Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close (18 page)

• Thank you for your letter. Because of the large volume of mail I receive, I am unable to write personal responses. Nevertheless, know that I read and save every letter, with the hope of one day being able to give each the proper response it deserves. Until that day,
  Most sincerely,
  Stephen Hawking
  

'This emotionalness of yours, does it affect your daily life?'

'Well, to answer your question, I don't think that's a real word you used. Emotionalness. But I understand what you were trying to say, and yes. I end up crying a lot, usually in private. It's extremely hard for me to go to school. I also can't sleep over at friends' apartments, because I get panicky about being away from Mom. I'm not very good with people.'

'What do you think is going on?'

'I feel too much. That's what's going on.'

'Do you think one can feel too much? Or just feel in the wrong ways?'

'My insides don't match up with my outsides.'

'Do anyone's insides and outsides match up?'

'I don't know. I'm only me.'

'Maybe that's what a person's personality is: the difference between the inside and outside.'

'But it's worse for me.'

'I wonder if everyone thinks it's worse for him.'

'Probably. But it really is worse for me.'

He sat back in his chair and put his pen on his desk. 'Can I ask you a personal question?'

'It's a free country.'

'Have you noticed any tiny hairs on your scrotum?'

'Scrotum.'

'The scrotum is the pouch at the base of your penis that holds your testicles.'

'My nuts.'

'That's right.'

'Fascinating.'

'Go ahead and take a second to think about it. I can turn around.'

'I don't need to think. I don't have tiny hairs on my scrotum.' He wrote something on a piece of paper. 'Dr. Fein?'

'Howard.'

'You told me to tell you when I feel self-conscious.'

'Yes.'

'I feel self-conscious.'

'I'm sorry. I know it was a very personal question. I only asked because sometimes, when our bodies change, we experience dramatic changes in our emotional lives. I was wondering if perhaps some of what you've been experiencing is due to changes in your body.'

'It isn't. It's because my dad died the most horrible death that anyone ever could invent.

He looked at me and I looked at him. I promised myself that I wouldn't be the first to look away. But, as usual, I was.

'What would you say to a little game?Allen'

'Is it a brain teaser?'

'Not really.'

'I like brain teasers.'

'So do I. But this isn't a brain teaser.'

'Bummer.'

'I'm going to say a word and I want you to tell me the first thing that comes to mind. You can say a word, a person's name, or even a sound. Whatever. There are no right or wrong answers here. No rules. Should we give it a try?' I said, 'Shoot.' He said, 'Family.' I said, 'Family.' He said, 'I'm sorry. I don't think I explained this well. I'll say a word, and you tell me the first thing you think of.' I said, 'You said 'family' and I thought of family.' He said, 'But let's try not to use the same word. OK?'

'OK. I mean, yeah.'

'Family.'

'Heavy petting.'

'Heavy petting?'

'It's when a man rubs a woman's VJ with his fingers. Right?'

'Yes, that's right. OK. There are no wrong answers. How about safety?'

'How about it?'

'OK.'

'Yeah.'

'Bellybutton.'

'Bellybutton?'

'Bellybutton.'

'I can't think of anything but bellybutton.'

'Give it a try. Bellybutton.'

'Bellybutton doesn't make me think of anything.'

'Dig deep.'

'In my bellybutton?'

'In your brain, Oskar.'

'Uh.'

'Bellybutton. Bellybutton.'

'Stomach anus?'

'Good.'

'Bad.'

'No, I meant, 'Good. You did good.'

'I did
well

.'

'Well.'

'Water.'

'Celebrate.'

'Ruff, ruff.'

'Was that a bark?'

'Anyway.'

'OK. Great.'

'Yeah.'

'Dirty.'

'Bellybutton.'

'Uncomfortable.'

'Extremely.'

'Yellow.'

'The color of a yellow person's bellybutton.'

'Let's see if we can keep it to one word, though, OK?'

'For a game with no rules, this game has a lot of rules.'

'Hurt.'

'Realistic.'

'Cucumber.'

'Formica.'

'Formica?'

'Cucumber?'

'Home.'

'Where the stuff is.'

'Emergency.'

'Dad.'

'Is your father the cause of the emergency, or the solution to it?'

'Both.'

'Happiness.'

'Happiness. Oops. Sorry.'

'Happiness.'

'I don't know.'

'Try. Happiness.'

'Dunno.'

'Happiness. Dig.' I shrugged my shoulders. 'Happiness, happiness.'

'Dr. Fein?'

'Howard.'

'Howard?'

'Yes?'

'I'm feeling self-conscious.'

We spent the rest of the forty-five minutes talking, although I didn't have anything to say to him. I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to be anywhere that wasn't looking for the lock. When it was almost time for Mom to come in, Dr. Fein said he wanted us to make a plan for how the next week could be better than the last one. He said,

'Why don't you tell me some things you think you can do, things to keep in mind. And then next week we'll talk about how successful you were.'

'I'll try to go to school.'

'Good. Really good. What else?'

'Maybe I'll try to be more patient with morons.'

'Good. And what else?'

'I don't know, maybe I'll try not to ruin things by getting so emotional.'

'Anything else?'

'I'll try to be nicer to my mom.'

'And?'

'Isn't that enough?'

'It is. It's more than enough. And now let me ask you, how do you think you're going to accomplish those things you mentioned?'

'I'm gonna bury my feelings deep inside me.'

'What do you mean, bury your feelings?'

'No matter how much I feel, I'm not going to let it out. If I have to cry, I'm gonna cry on the inside. If I have to bleed, I'll bruise. If my heart starts going crazy, I'm not gonna tell everyone in the world about it. It doesn't help anything. It just makes everyone's life worse.'

'But if you're burying your feelings deep inside you, you won't really be you, will you?'

'So?'

'Can I ask you one last question?'

'Was that it?'

'Do you think any good can come from your father's death?'

'Do I think any
good

can come from my father's death?'

'Yes. Do you think
any

good can come from your father's death?' I kicked over my chair, threw his papers across the floor, and hollered, 'No! Of course not, you fucking asshole!'

That was what I wanted to do. Instead I just shrugged my shoulders.

I went out to tell Mom it was her turn. She asked me how it went. I said, 'OK.' She said, 'Your magazines are in my bag. And a juice box.' I said, 'Thanks.' She bent down and kissed me.

When she went in, I very quietly took the stethoscope from my field kit, got on my knees, and pressed the whatever-the-end-is-called against the door. The bulb? Dad would have known. I couldn't hear a lot, and sometimes I wasn't sure if no one was talking or if I just wasn't hearing what they were saying.

• expect too much too quickly
  I know you?
  What me?
  you doing?
  I'm not the point.
  Until you're feeling to be impossible for Oskar to
  But until he's feeling it's to feel OK.
  don't know a problem.
  you?
  I don't don't know?
  hours and hours to explain.
  you try to start?
  Start easy do you happy?
  What's funny?
  used to be someone me a question, and I could say yes, or but believe in short answers anymore.
  Maybe the wrong questions. Maybe to remind there are simple things.
  What's simple?
  How many fingers holding up?
  It's not that simple
  I want to talk that's not going to be easy.
  you ever considered
  What?
  what it sounds like.
  even a hospital, in the way we usually think safe environment.
  home is a safe environment.
  Who the hell do you think you are?
  I'm sorry.
  to be sorry for. You're angry, it's not you that angry
  Who are you angry at?
  good for children to be around going through the same process.
  Oskar isn't other children.
  even like being around kids his own age.
  a good thing?
  Oskar is Oskar, and no one that's a wonderful thing.
  I'm worried that to himself.
  I can't believe we 're talking about this.
  talk about everything, realize there was no reason to talk danger to himself?
  I'm concerned about.
  indications of a child absolutely no way hospitalize my son.