Fading (31 page)

Lowering his head slowly, my heart begins to pound in my chest as he gently presses his soft lips to mine, and my eyes fall shut. My body starts to tremble under his arms, and he grips me tighter. His kisses are slow, but purposeful. When I begin to move my lips softly with his, he glides his hand from my cheek to the back of my head, weaving his fingers into my hair and holding me close.

He brushes his tongue across my upper lip, and a soft noise escapes my throat. I want this, and I want this with him, but I'm scared. I've never felt this way before, and I don't know what it is about him that makes me feel like this. I take my hand from his cheek, slide it under his arm, back up around his broad shoulder, and grip tightly. My heart is all over the place as our lips meld together.

Without breaking our connection, he shifts me onto my back. He begins to softly nip and suck, taking his time and not rushing our kisses. I slide my hands down his shoulders and hold tightly onto his muscular arms. When I feel his tongue brush across my lip again, I part my lips more and allow him to deepen the kiss. He dips his tongue into my mouth and caresses it against mine.

My emotions are running high, and I'm not used to the feelings that course through me. Suddenly, the thought creeps in that I'm too damaged for him to ever want to be with me. And what if I'm just another girl to him? I can't do this. I realize that I'm feeling too much, and he now has the potential to hurt me.

I push my hands against his arms, and he pulls back."I'm sorry," I barely whisper, keeping my eyes closed because I'm embarrassed to look at him.

He continues to hold me tightly in his warm arms. "Look at me, Candace," he breathes out.

I take a second before I hesitantly open my eyes and look into his. Supporting himself above me on one elbow, he takes his hand and brushes the back of his fingers along my face.

"I don't want you to feel sorry for that."

Another small noise escapes me as I nod. I can't speak, because holding on as tightly as I am to keep my tears from falling is taking up all the strength I have. So, I wrap my arms around him, clinging to his warmth, to the belief that I didn't just do something stupid—clinging to my hope that he won't hurt me.

Leaning down and resting his forehead against mine, I can't help myself when I tilt my chin up and gently kiss him. His lips fall slowly onto mine, pushing my head into the pillow. I cup his face between my two hands before he languidly pulls his lips from mine. Lying back on his side, he pulls me into him, and for the first time in my life, I let someone besides Jase hold onto me through the night.

My legs are tangled with Ryan's, and he's lying behind me with his arm draped around my waist. His warmth is wrapped around me and although I feel nervous about seeing him after our kiss last night, I also feel relaxed in his arms as he sleeps.

My stomach is full of butterflies, and I haven't even opened my eyes yet. What does this all mean? I wish I knew where his head was at, what he's thinking. At the same time, I feel like I'm not guarding myself like I probably should be. What if that kiss didn't mean anything to him? What if that's something he just does with any girl? Did he feel what I felt?

Taking in a deep breath, I hold it and try to clear my head of all these jumbled thoughts. When I let out my breath, I open my eyes and see two round blue eyes staring into mine.

"Night night over."

"It's not over, Bailey," Ryan mumbles behind me in a sleepy raspy voice.

I look at Bailey, Ryan's two-year-old niece, and give her a grin.

"I eat bweakfast. Night night over," she says to me in her sweet toddler voice.

"Okay," I whisper to her as I start to wriggle my way from underneath Ryan's arm.

He pulls me back down and with his eyes still shut says, "Where are you going?"

"To go get her something to eat." I slide out from under the pile of blankets and walk to the dining room while Bailey follows.

Pulling out a chair for her at the table, she takes a seat and says, "I eat ceweal."

"Sounds good. Where's the cereal?" I say to myself as I walk into the kitchen and open the door to the pantry. I scan around and see a box of Cookie Crunch.

"How about this?" I ask her as I hold up the box.

A big smile covers her face, and I start opening and closing cabinets to find her a bowl.

"The kid's things are in the cabinet by the fridge," Ryan says from across the room.

I look over my shoulder at him as he is walking toward me. His hair has a messiness to it that just adds to his appeal. I shake off the thought and turn around to pour the cereal in the bowl.

I walk over to the table and set it in front of the little girl and then peel open a banana for her as well.

"Fanks," she says around a mouth full of cereal.

When I walk back into the kitchen, Ryan is starting a pot of coffee. The house is quiet and we are the only ones up.

"Want some?" he asks as he is opening the cabinet to grab the mugs.

I lean back against the counter opposite of him and nod my head. I don't know what to say to him, and I'm a bundle of nerves as I watch him move around the kitchen.

"Umm, I'm gonna sneak upstairs and get cleaned up." I need space to regroup and watching him move around wearing nothing but a loose pair of pajama pants is way too distracting for me.

"Here," he says as he pours the creamer in my coffee and adds one sugar.

"Thanks." I take the cup, and avoid eye contact.
What am I doing? Why does this make me so uncomfortable?
Even the fact that he remembers how I take my coffee feels like too much.

It's always been difficult for me to connect to people, to let them in. Jase says it's because of the lack of affection I had when I was growing up. Maybe he's right. I've only ever truly let one person in—Jase. Guys have always made me feel awkward. I don't know how to respond to affection, and I wind up feeling embarrassed and shy. For the first time, I don't want to feel that way. Not with Ryan. Maybe it's because he has seen a part of me that no one besides Jase has.

Fighting with my parents has been my life. I am used to the chilled air that surrounds them. But having Ryan witness that, and then watching me fall apart, is something that no one has seen. I've always kept that hidden within me.

"Hey," he says, and I am snapped out of my thoughts. "You okay?"

No. I'm confused. I don't want to be, but I am. What happened last night? What did that mean?

"Yeah, I'm fine. I just want to get ready before everyone wakes up."

"Okay."

I turn and make my way upstairs and quietly sneak into his room, careful not to wake Madison.

I take my time showering and getting ready, needing to pull my thoughts together before going downstairs. Yesterday was overwhelming, being around Ryan's large family. I am so used to calm and quiet. I can already hear the kids playing as I slip on my jeans and one of my old UW sweatshirts. Wrapping my hair on top of my head in a messy bun, I hear a knock on the bathroom door.

"Come in," I say. When the door opens, Ryan walks in and leans up against the sink right next to me. I look over at him while I'm swiping on some lip-gloss and start putting everything away. He watches me as I pack my things up, and when I pass him, he takes me by the waist and pulls me in.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

"Nothing. Really."

Cocking his head slightly to the side, he says, "You wanna get out of here for a while?"

Without thinking too much, I nod my head.

He takes my hand, but this time it's different. He laces his fingers through mine and leads me downstairs. Everyone is moving about, eating breakfast, and tending to all the kids. He walks us into the formal dining room where his mother and cousins are sitting. I see Donna's eyes go straight to our hands, and I quickly try to pull my hand away, but he grips me tighter.

"Good morning, Candace," she says as she stands up and gives me a hug. "How did you sleep last night?"

"Good, thank you."

"Hey, Mom, we're going to go to Indian Beach for a while," Ryan tells her.

"Oh, okay. Well, the girls and I are heading to Astoria for the day to do some shopping, so we won't be around. But the guys are going to stay here with all the kids."

"What are the plans for dinner tonight?"

"The kids really want Fultano's Pizza," she says.

"Text me when you're driving back, and we'll go pick it up," Ryan tells her.

"Thanks, dear." She leans in and kisses him on the cheek. "You guys have a good day."

We head out to the jeep and start driving towards Ecola Park to the beach. The drive is quiet as we weave through the lush trees on the narrow, winding road. The surroundings are absolutely stunning, considering the dark grey skies and rainy weather. When we make our way out of the canopy of trees, Ryan parks the jeep, reaches into the back seat, and grabs me a hooded raincoat.

"Here, wear this," he says as I take the coat from him.

When we get out of the jeep, I shrug on the huge coat and pull the hood over my head. The wind off the water is strong, and the chill is biting. He takes my hand again and starts walking us down the wooden stairs to the wet puddled sand and rocks. This place is beautiful in a dark and moody way. We are the only ones on the beach aside from a few surfers in wetsuits out in the water. I follow Ryan and we walk along the uneven stacks of black rocks toward a few logs of driftwood. We sit on one of the logs, and he wraps his arm around me as I shiver in the rainy cold. The view of the deep cliffs around us and the sea stacks in the water are awesome.

"This is amazing," I say.

"Yeah, I love it out here. I used to surf here a lot growing up."

I nod my head, remembering the surfboards in his bedroom.

"Candace," he says as he turns his focus on me. Looking into my eyes, he asks, "What's bothering you? And don't say nothing, because I know something is."

Looking away, back at the water, I try to find my words. If I don't talk to him, then the awkwardness will just continue. But, what do I say? There are a million things racing through my head, and I am finding it hard to hone in on just one. And what if he thinks I'm crazy for reading too much into a kiss that was probably something so casual to him?

"Candace," he says, and I turn to look back at him.

I let out a breath before admitting, "I just don't really know what we're doing." It's all I can say.

Shifting his one leg over the log, he turns to face me straight on. "Tell me what you want."

What? Why can't he just tell me what he wants?

Not wanting to look at him, I stare out into the water again when I confess, "I'm not good at this stuff, Ryan."

"Come here," he says as he tugs on my leg, and I shift my body slightly to face him. "I've wanted to kiss you since the night of the concert. I don't know where your head is at, but whenever I'm not with you, I want to be."

My heart begins to race as he says this to me. It's what I was hoping to hear, but also what I was scared to hear.

When I drop my head, he says, "Talk to me, babe."

"I just...I don't do this well."

"Do what?"

"This..." I stop talking when he cradles my face in his hands and moves me so that I'm looking at him.

"Whatever
this
is, I want it. I just need to know if you do." His eyes are serious, and he never takes them off of me as he speaks. It's intimidating and makes me anxious. Hearing him speak so honestly makes my stomach flutter. I'm scared. I'm happy. I'm all over the place when I finally look up at him. And with trepidation, I nod my head yes.

A smile breaks across his face as he pulls me in and kisses me. I wrap my arms around him, underneath his coat as his cold, rain soaked lips cover mine. He draws me in tight, and I melt into him. Pushing my fears aside, I focus solely on him. His hold on me is strong, which contrasts his gentle kisses. He's in no rush as he takes his time, dragging his tongue across my lip and slipping it inside my mouth. When our tongues slide across each other, I tighten my grip on him. His lips are soft, and I can taste a hint of mint on him. He holds my head and guides me with him as we move with one another. I've never been kissed the way Ryan kisses me. He's slow and deliberate, and I can feel that it's more than just a kiss to him, which settles me because it's more than that for me too.