Faithless (6 page)

I could still taste her on my lips. My head was
reeling from our kiss. My heart felt more open and accepting than it had ever
felt before. Something about her had me yearning for her touch, and longing for
her presence. I was well aware that Riley had her own issues that were keeping
her from me, but part of me wanted to be one of them. For as long as I could
remember, I had never felt the kind of love that Riley encompassed. It wasn't
an 'in your face' kind of love. It was a love that ran deep and true and one
that she would cherish forever, despite the consequences or outcome.

Once I made it back inside of the common room, I
took my place at the checkers table with John. I honestly couldn't tell you who
won half of the games, because I was too busy glancing out the back window at
Riley. The sun was setting now and the orange and pink hues were shining right
on her long shiny brown hair, enough to notice the tiniest amount of red that
flowed through every strand. I wanted to hold her and kiss her until we ran out
of breath.

"Are you going to go, pretty boy?" John's
voice cut through my thoughts like a knife. An unwanted and unappreciated
knife.

"Yeah." I took my turn and then glanced
back out to where Riley had been sitting for the greater portion of the
afternoon, except now she was gone. I quickly glanced towards the door that led
back into the room I was in, but there was still no sign of her. I hurried and
finished my game with John, before I took off looking for her.

When I couldn't find her in any other room on the
floor, I decided to head back to her room. I was just about to knock on the
cracked door, but Riley and Blake's voices floated through the air loud enough
for me to hear. My brain was telling me to turn around and walk away. Whatever
these two were talking about was none of my business, but when I heard my name,
I had no other choice but to listen. I stood with my back against the wall next
to their door, arms folded over my chest and ears wide open as I listened
intently to their words.

"I know I don't know you that well Riley, but
I would be careful. I'm sure you've already gotten the lecture, and if not
before today, then I'm sure what Mr. Rollins was preachin' today, was for the
two of you." Of course Blake was on Mr. Rollins’ side. I let out a quiet
aggravated breath.

"Look, just because I tried to do something
stupid, doesn't mean I need to forgo my own thoughts and feelings. I understand
what Mr. Rollins is saying, but I
can
make
my own decisions. When it comes to Tristan, I just, well I've never felt this
way before. I don't know what it is and I don't think I'm in any position to
find out any time soon, but I would like to."

I could hear Riley take in a deep exhausted breath.
She wasn't much for talking to strangers, or anyone for that matter, but
something seemed to change that in her today. I held my breath as I waited for
Blake's response. I could hear movement and I was suddenly afraid of one of
them finding me out here, listening in on their private conversations. I backed
away from the door a little bit, but then I heard Blake's voice again.

"Riley, I know Tristan. I mean, not
personally, but he was or used to be a police officer in my hometown."

Holy shit! How the fuck did she know that? I moved
closer, pressing my ear into the small open gap of the doorway to better hear.

"What do you mean?" Oh no, Riley's voice
was shaking.

"About two years ago, he had to come to my
house for a domestic dispute. I wasn't living there, but I had been over for
dinner with my folks and things escalated and I had no choice but to call them.
When they finally arrived, I was the one to answer the door and Tristan was the
officer that responded to the call."

Holy fuck, I could only imagine the shocked look on
Riley's face at the moment. I leaned back against the wall trying to remember
this run-in Blake was talking about, but for the life of me, I just couldn't.

"I looked a lot different back then, but I
know for a fact it was him. Tristan Hayes was the officer at my house that
night. He sat with me for at least an hour while the other officers that showed
up, dealt with my parents. Sorry, I know this isn't what you wanted to hear but
hey, what are friends for?"

Friends my ass, this girl was trying to warn Riley
about a guy that she had only met for an hour. As my anger started boiling deep
inside, my brain finally clicked and I remembered Blake. She was right; she did
look different back then. She still had her long hair, but it wasn't blonde.
Her hair was practically every color of the rainbow. I remember making a
comment to her that she should change her name to Rainbow, if that was how she
was going to keep her hair. She was pretty gothic then. Man, she looks way
different now. Crazy. Then it suddenly dawned on me, Blake knows more about me
than Riley knows.

"No, no I'm glad you told me. I just don't see
why you think I would be upset about that though? Unless, unless you slept with
him?"

Blake let out a loud laugh that echoed off of every
wall. "Hell no. Hi, I didn't even know him."

"Okay, well then I guess I'll just see what
happens then. I don't want to worry about anything, unless I need too. Do you
think I have something to worry about?"

Don't say anything Blake, please. God, please don't
ruin this for me. I was about ready to punch a wall and get the hell out of
dodge. There's no way this could be happening to me.

"I suppose not." I heard Blake half
whisper.

"Okay. Well thank you, I guess." I could
sense the concern in Riley's voice. I could only hope that she would just let
this go.

Their room went dead quiet and that was my cue to
leave. I took off down the hall, passed through the common room, and straight
over to the nurse's desk to sign out. This day had gone from amazing to shitty
in less than a few hours, and I just had to get out of this place. The walls
were still starting to close in on me, as I reached the steel double doors that
would take me to the underground parking garage.

I shoved the key into the ignition of my car and
took off as fast as I could. When I reached the Pacific Coast Highway, I pushed
down on the gas pedal as hard as I could. I fully intended on running to the
confines of my condo, but the ocean waves were calling me. The sun had just
settled past the horizon, leaving the sky a magical shade of purple and I
couldn't resist. I always kept an extra board at one of the small huts that was
run by a guy I knew quite well, so I parked my car and practically sprinted
down the hill to get my gear. Roland was waiting for me, my board propped
against his hand.

"I was wondering if you would show. There's
some good action out there tonight."

"I saw that." I choked out between my
panting.

"Where you been the last weeks?" Damn
Roland and his inquisitive mind.

"I've been a little preoccupied, sorry
bro." I grabbed my board out of his hands now that I had my board shorts
on, and started off towards the ocean.

"She better be hot, bro."

I threw up my middle finger as I kept walking
without turning around. As soon as my feet hit the water, my body instantly
relaxed. This was
my
peace in a world
full of chaos. As I started paddling out, I had an overwhelming rush of loss
fall over me. I wanted so badly to have Riley here with me, to show her what I
love to do. I wanted her to experience everything with me. I knew how crazy I
sounded. I had only known this girl less than a week, and I was already willing
to let her in on something that no one has ever seen before.

I caught a few amazing waves the first hour I had
been out in the water, but it was starting to get extremely dark and I wasn't
willing to get myself eaten by a shark just to catch a few more. When I got
back to shore, Roland was nowhere to be seen, so I quickly changed and threw my
board shorts and board in its usual spot. I took my time walking up to my car,
but as I got closer so did a dark shadowy figure. I wasn't sure if it was a guy
or a girl, so I took my time making my way up the concrete ramp, preparing
myself for the worst.

As I got within five feet, I realized it was
London. Number one, how the fuck did he find me? And number two, why the fuck
did he want to find me? "Can I help you, bro?" I'm pretty sure he
could sense the distaste in my tone of voice.

"Hey, I just came by to talk to you for a
minute. If you're wondering how I found you, I asked a few of the nurses at the
hospital."

"Well wasn't that awesome of you. Once again,
can I help you?"

"Look, I saw how you and Riley were looking at
each other. I was just wondering if there was anything going on between the two
of you? I know it's none of my business, but I just kind of need to know."

He kind of needed to know? Why the fuck would he
need to know something like that unless, unless he wanted to try-. "You
like her, don't you?" I didn't try to hide any of my disgust with that
idea.

"I guess you could say that. She's just,
different, you know?"

"Yeah, yeah I know. I don't know if she's
ready for something like that, but as far as I know she isn't seeing
anyone." It was kind of true. We
weren't
seeing each other per se.

"Awesome. I thought, well, it just looked like
the two of you had something going on."

"Nah, I mean as far as I know, we're just friends."

"Well thanks, bro. I'll see you tomorrow
morning I guess."

"I guess." I muttered under my breath
before I jumped in my car and took off. There was no way she would give someone
like London a chance, right?

"Blake, god just leave me alone for a minute.
I'm almost done." I swear every time I had to use the bathroom, Blake had
some excuse as to why she needed it worse than I did.

"Well hurry up, Riley. I have to get ready
too." She shouted back through the closed door that separated us.

I rolled my eyes at her dramatics. Getting out of
here couldn't come soon enough, I swear. I finally finished my makeup and stood
back glancing at my outfit. I hadn't worn makeup since I got into this hellhole,
let alone get dressed in somewhat decent clothes, but today I found myself
actually
wanting
to look more like
myself. I wanted Tristan to see that I could actually give a shit about my
appearance. I ran my hands down my fitted knit sweater, trying to stretch some
of the wrinkles out of it. It was only August, but despite what most people
think, Malibu tended to get rather chilly especially given the fact that we are
right by the ocean. I smoothed down my jeans one last time and then exited the
bathroom. Of course, dramatic Blake was standing against the wall tapping her
toe like a five-year-old child.

"It's all yours." I winked, knowing that
it would push her over the edge. She let out a loud scream and then locked
herself in the bathroom. We only had thirty minutes before group started and I
was suddenly extremely nervous. I hadn't seen Tristan since he left me outside
last night. Last night after that amazing kiss. I ran my fingers across my lips
still being able to feel his soft lips against mine.

"You daydreaming in here?" A male voice
appeared behind me.

I turned thinking it was Tristan, but was
pleasantly surprised when I found London standing in my doorway. "What are
you doing in here?"

"I just wanted to say a quick good morning to
you before group started. I don't want to offend or step on anyone's
toes."

He smiled a wide smile and I couldn't help but
notice how beautiful he really was. His teeth were perfectly straight and
white, and his skin was almost the color of mine. He wore his blonde hair a
little bit longer on top, but I chalked that up to the fact that he was
obviously a surfer. He had a little bit of facial hair growing, almost as if it
was unintentional, but it was still sexy and caught my attention. Unlike any
other day, I also couldn't help but notice the way his black t-shirt seemed to
hug every muscle that lay beneath it. Before he could catch me staring, I
quickly tried to answer him.

"I'm not sure whose toes you think you'll be
stepping on." My brows knit in confusion.

"Oh, I didn't mean anyone in particular. I
just meant, well, never mind. I guess I'll head to group now and see if Mr.
Rollins needs any help."

He turned to leave, but before my brain could
comprehend my actions, I was speaking to him. "Mind if I walk with
you?" What was I doing?

"Sure. Let's go."

He held out his elbow for me to slide my hand
through to link arms with him, but I was still hesitant on the touching issue
with others. I patted his arm briefly and then started walking. He must've
gotten the hint because he was quickly following suit.

When we got to the doors of the group therapy room,
I noticed that I was the first one there, well besides London and Mr. Rollins.

"Maybe I should just wait back in my
room."

"Don't be silly. I'm sure Mr. Rollins won't
mind at all." He smiled at me and then turned in Mr. Rollins’ direction.
"You don't mind, do you?"

"Mind what, London." Mr. Rollins glanced
up and caught me staring in his direction. "Oh, that Riley is here? Of
course not. Come on in Riley, we don't bite."

I tried to brush off his not so subtle nuances and
kept to myself. "Thanks." I whispered and then went to go take my
usual seat. I was beginning to find this place a little odd and eerie when
barely anyone was around. Like I said before, I couldn't wait to get out of
this place. Speaking of which, "Hey Mr. Rollins I have a quick question
for you."

"Shoot." He was un-stacking chairs and
making our usual circle.

"How much longer do you think I'll have to be
in here? If you had to guess?" I kept my fingers crossed behind my back.
Unfortunately, Mr. Rollins was who would have to sign off on my release.

"Well, I guess that depends. You seem to be
doing rather well in therapy lately. You are finally starting to open up and
talk and I believe that it is genuine. Your progress that is. I guess it comes
down to some basic questions. Where are you going to live when you get
released? How will you get a job and money, if you have no vehicle?"

Shit! I hadn't really thought of any of that. I
guess I had more things to work on than I thought. "Well, I'm not sure. I
mean, I suppose I could get a job close to wherever I end up living, but I
don't know where that would be."

"These are questions you need to be able to
answer before I can sign off on your release."

"Okay, thanks." I hung my head in
disappointment as I waited for everyone else to show up. When I heard extra
footsteps enter the room, I glanced up and was immediately met with a pair of
dark stormy eyes.

"Good morning, Riley." I could sense the
irritation in his voice.

"Morning, Tristan. How did you sleep?"

"Small talk, really?"

Ouch, that hurt. "Sorry, I won't talk to you
then." I turned in my chair to face the wall. I was hoping he would just
walk away now that he had made me feel stupid for even trying, but I wasn't so
lucky. Instead, he took his usual seat, right next to me.

"I'm sorry, Riley. That was harsh. I didn't
sleep well at all and there is no reason for me to take it out on you."

"Thanks." I whispered, not making eye
contact with him.

"Are you done talking to me now?"

I was like a moth to a flame; I couldn't bring
myself to not talk to him. "No."

"That's good." He reached over, placing
his hand on top of mine. His skin was warm and smooth and he smelled faintly
like ocean water. I knew that it was impossible that he had been there, but the
smell was apparent and strong. "So, do you want to talk about what
happ-"

Before he could finish, Mr. Rollins was cutting him
off and starting our session. I hadn't noticed anyone else enter the room until
now. My eyes were still glued to Tristan's and it took everything in me to look
away.

"Alright, let's get started. Now I know for
some of you, this is your last session with all of us, so I want to take a few
minutes to say thank you and give each of you a chance to say something. Let's
start with Alex. Alex, what are your plans now that you are leaving us?"

I started to tune everybody out the minute they
started talking. I didn't know many of these people very well, and I was pretty
sure I would never see them again. I could feel Tristan's eyes on me as I sat
straight and looked straight ahead. Unfortunately, another pair of eyes was
fixated on me also.

London was sitting outside of the circle just
across from me and he hadn't looked away in quite some time. I could see
Tristan's body go rigid as he noticed it too. I don't know what he was so upset
about, but something about London was bothering him.

After everyone had spoken and said their goodbyes,
Mr. Rollins started in on our lesson for the day. It was all about our plans
for the future. Deep down I was hoping that he wouldn't try to ask me, because
honestly I had no idea and he already knew this. He got to Tristan and just as
Tristan began to talk, a small elderly nurse came walking into the room.

"I need to speak with Riley for a minute
please."

"Of course. Riley you may be excused for the
remainder of this session. I'll see you tomorrow morning." Mr. Rollins
answered for me.

I gave a small smile to Tristan and made my way
across the room. London's gaze didn't follow me this time and for that I was
grateful. As I approached the tiny old lady, she held out her hand for mine. I
usually wouldn't have taken it, but I had a feeling this was going to be bad
news. I took her hand as she patted the back of mine. She led me to the front
nurses station and reached behind the desk for a letter.

"This is addressed to you. We did have to open
it due to protocol, but we didn't read any of the contents. Feel free to go
wherever you need to read it, and if you need anything at all just let me
know."

She gave me a sympathetic smile and then walked
away. I made my way out onto the back deck and took a seat on the small lounger
outside. When I opened the letter, I immediately knew the handwriting. The
letter was from my mother, but a much larger stack of papers stapled together
also accompanied it. As I began to read the letter, my mouth dropped open, and
the tears began to fall on their own accord.

My sweet
Riley,

I know it
has been too long since we have spoken and for that I am truly sorry. If you
are reading this, then I am no longer with you. I know you most likely won't
read this letter in its entirety, but I had to take a chance and explain a few
things to you.

First
off, I want you to know how much I truly love you. I also want you to know how
sorry I am for the life that I couldn't provide you with. The day you were
taken away from me was the day my heart broke into a thousand pieces. You were
my only reason for living. Not a day has gone by since then that I don’t regret
my actions. I don't want to make excuses for anything; I just want you to know
my side of the story.

I loved
your father very much, and when we had you, well you were a blessing in
disguise. Or at least that's what I believed. Your father was not an easy man
to deal with and after you came, his abuse only got worse. I hate to bash your
father, especially given the fact that I told you he was dead, but he is very
much alive. That day, your father was the one who tried to drown you, not me. I
know this must come as a shock to you, but it's the truth.

We had
been fighting all morning and he was sick of taking care of a child that he
never wanted. Needless to say, things escalated, and I left the house to get
some air. When I came back, the house was eerily quiet and given the fact that
you were a very talkative and outgoing child, I began to worry.

I
frantically searched the house for you and your father. When I finally found
you two in our bathroom, I almost died. You were still fully clothed and he was
holding you down. I ran down to the kitchen to grab a knife and when I
returned, you had stopped moving. I still to this day can see those small
innocent, vacant eyes staring up at me through the water. I stabbed your father
repeatedly and when he finally let go of you, I reached for you and pulled you
from the tub. You weren't breathing and I immediately called 911. When I
started CPR on you, your father was still lying on the floor next to us, barely
breathing. I honestly thought I had killed him.

When the
ambulance arrived, you had a faint pulse but that was about it. They took you
and started heading down stairs to take you to the hospital. I couldn't leave
you alone, so I went with. After the doctors brought you back and you were
stable, your father was alive and telling them that he was trying to stop me
from hurting you. Of course this was all a lie, but they believed him. That's
the day they took you away from me, and I went to jail.

I promise
you Riley, I was only trying to save my precious little girl from a monster.
Regardless of the outcome, I fought for you. I fought for you everyday I was in
that horrible place paying for your father's crime. I've tried to get a hold of
you over the years, but could never find you. I knew you were in foster care,
but they had changed your name and I wasn't allowed to speak with you when I
did eventually find you.

This is
my biggest regret, Riley. When I got sick with breast cancer last year, I tried
to reach out again, but you were older and out of the system, and no one knew
where you were. Three weeks ago, while I was getting my affairs in order, I
hired a private investigator to track you down. He worked for the local police
department also, so I figured he could find you, and he did. Only, I was too
late. I was too weak to move and I knew you wouldn't come see me, so I asked
him to keep an eye on you for me. Last week, I mailed this letter to him in
hopes that he would get it to you. I sure hope it did.

I know I
was a horrible mother and never around. God, the stories you must've heard over
the years I'm sure practically killed you, but I found peace in knowing that
you were safe somewhere and away from a father who would stop at nothing to
hurt you, if given the chance.

So here I
am, writing you this letter and hoping that one day you can find it in your
heart to forgive me. I have left you everything I own. It's not a ton, but it's
what you deserve in this life. I know deep down, that you have become an
amazing woman. The few pictures I have seen, told me just that. You are
beautiful and you look so great. I'm proud of you Riley for making it through
life unscathed, I hope. I know that we will one day be reunited and I look
forward to it. Please take what I am giving you and make a good life for
yourself. Become the person I always knew you would be.