Fall Gently (Red Light: Silver Girls series) (22 page)

She turned her gaze to him. "That's good news."

He nodded. "Scott, Luchek, and Jerald are going in with me. Between the four of us, we should bring in enough money to support us. It might be rough at the beginning, but we're known for our work around here, and it usually doesn't take long to get word out, and there's enough finished jobs from the past rolling around the streets of Seattle for others to see what I can do."

"It's a legal business?" she asked.

"Yeah." He paused. "I've been thinking. I'd like it if you'd run the books, take care of bills, and set up appointments at the garage. Do you think you can do that? There will be money in it for you, too. That way we can be together here at the apartment and at work. Unless the idea of getting away from me and having time to yourself appeals to you."

"I was planning on getting a job." She frowned. "And, moving out of your apartment. We never discussed this being permanent."

"It wasn't permanent until I had sex with you," he said. "Now, I'd like you to stay. But, it's up to you, sweetheart. I can see you hear or go wherever you'll live. We can work this out either way."

There was never any doubt in his mind that they'd both stepped forward in their relationship. He never had the feeling that she had sex with him as payback for letting her stay with him. They'd both worked through the huge jump from supporting each other as they figured out how to go on with their life, her without a job, him without his sister, to sleeping with each other every single night. Once that happened, he had no plans to let her go.

"Things have changed between us, sweetheart. Do you think what's been going on the last two weeks had everything to do with helping you?" He scoffed. "That was all about you and me."

"I don't know what to think," she whispered. "I like you, and thinking about leaving doesn't scare me as much as losing you in the process."

"I'm falling in love with you, Roni." He turned her head toward him. "I lie in bed every fucking night trying to figure out how I could fall in love with you knowing—"

"I know. Don't say it." Her chin hit her chest.

"Damn it. Let me finish before you assume to know what I'm saying." He softened his voice. "I try to figure out how I could fall in love with you knowing I can't offer you a damn thing. I've got a record following me around that limits what I can do, but I sure in the hell can get up every morning and make you smile, because that smile means the world to me. Over the last few months, I've gone from needing to help you to wanting you to be a part of
my
life."

"Do you mean that?" she asked.

"Yeah." He pulled her over and kissed her softly. "I love you, Roni."

"Then how can you stay involved with Sparrows knowing what I lived through and what happened to Jacqueline?" She pushed away from him.

He let her go and stopped himself from going after her. "I asked the others if they had taken advantage of you and Jacqueline. They assured me they weren't part of Vince's business dealings with the women and had never taken Vince up on his offer to use the women."

"Does that make everything okay?" She shook her head.

"It doesn't make it anything, all right?" He stood. "I've never been involved with what Sparrows ran, except the chop shop."

She walked across the room and stood by the small window. Rain beat against the glass.

Frustrated, he stayed on the other side of the room and gave her space. She had to know he wasn't like Vince. He'd shown her over and over she could trust him.

Changes were difficult for everyone, including him. But, there were parts of life you had to face head on. He had to work to support himself and Roni. His options were limited. He had no room to budge. She'd need to understand that he provided a way for them both to live a life without worrying about getting arrested.

When she refrained from saying anything more, he asked, "Is starting a business to support us that big of a deal to you?"

She faced him. "I would love to tell you no, but I feel sick to my stomach at the thought of you working with any Sparrows members. How easy would it be for you to take one of them up on the offer to branch out into women one night? You can't trust them."

He inhaled deeply. He understood her point. Their conversation wasn’t about the others he'd work with in Yesler Street Gang. It was about
him
and her reluctance to trust
him
because he was a Sparrows member.

She trusted him to a point, but he'd done illegal jobs in the past. He spent four years in the penitentiary, at which time his sister joined Sparrows and was murdered. Roni probably assumed the same thing could happen to her if he stepped over the line and worked underground.

"Can you trust me, right now?" he asked, pushing her to give him answers she was too afraid to tell him face to face.

"I thought I could," she said. "I want to. I really, really want to trust you."

He ran his hands over his face. "I think maybe we've said enough tonight. We both need some time to think about the offer. Can we talk about this more tomorrow?"

She nodded. "Would you like me to sleep out on the couch?"

"Fuck," he muttered. "Sweetheart, don't assume because we're having a discussion and not agreeing with each other it means I want you out of my bed."

"I don't know if I can do this," she whispered. "I'm not good at confrontations or having to push for what I believe is the right thing to do. I'm at a disadvantage because I'm relying on you for a roof over my head and to support me."

"You don't have to deal with this. Everything, the decisions, the job, Sparrows, is on me and I'll figure out a way to fix everything for both of us." His gut burned. "I'm going to take a shower. Go ahead and climb into bed. I'll be out in a few minutes."

He waited until she moved toward the bed. Once she settled, he walked out into the hall and into the bathroom. Behind closed doors, his head met his hands. There was always a chance that others had found out what he'd done. While he trusted Scott, the other two —Jerald and Luchek were a ticking bomb. He needed to keep them close to protect his future. They were sworn in under the Sparrows pledge. They couldn't rat him out.

"Fuck me," he mumbled, turning on the shower.

Nobody believed in loyalty, especially him.

He stripped naked and stood under the spray. Up against a fucking wall, he had to face the problem, and he struggled with his conscious. He wanted his focus on Roni and their relationship. To do that, he needed to stay out of prison.

If Roni found out he was no better, if not worse, than Vince, he'd lose her completely. She grew stronger by the day and admitted her feelings toward him scared her more than moving out.

He'd thought he'd have more time to solidify his relationship with her before facing a big decision in his life. More time to settle down with her, show her how good it could be between them. More time for him to prove his worth.

He soaped up, rinsed off, and toweled his body. Walking naked to the bedroom, he turned off the light and slipped under the covers.

Roni laid on her side, facing away from him. He rolled toward her and wrapped his arm around her waist, and pulled her against his body. Still awake, she neither scooted away or acknowledged him.

He buried his face in the back of her hair. "It'll be okay, Sweetheart. I'll figure everything out."

After tonight, he wasn't sure he could keep going. For how many times he asked her to trust him, he dug himself deeper into the angry pit of hell proving himself. He was running out of good things about himself to show her.

She was going to hate him if he told her the truth, and he'd lose her forever.

D
awson left before eight o'clock in the morning with a whispered order to keep sleeping and a lukewarm promise that he'd be back later. Roni sat on the couch listening to the clock on the stove tick behind her in the kitchen. At a loss of what to do without making herself look desperate, she simply sat and tried not to blow the situation out of control by imagining more troubles than they were currently dealing with.

She couldn't understand how Dawson could pretend everything was okay when they disagreed on such a huge issue. He'd promised they'd talk when he got home, but there was a definite wall between them.

An awkwardness, even more obstinate than when she first started to get to know him, pushed them apart by using their intimacy against them. This time, it hurt.

She'd stayed awake half the night replaying the conversation they'd had, going over Dawson's plan to open a garage and the role he wanted her to play. Secretary at the garage meant money to support herself. She could save what she'd earned with the Network and build security for herself.

He also mentioned he wanted her to continue living with him, and that was the biggest attraction. She wanted to stay.

On the surface, everything appealed to her. She'd love to bring in money and feel needed. While she had no idea what was involved with keeping the books and working in the office of the garage, she could learn. Dawson would be there every step of the way and at first, she'd need to rely on him to show her what to do, and it'd be an honest job.

Her stomach ached, and she rubbed the tender spot below her ribs. She couldn't eat anything without throwing up. Even drinking water made her feel like vomiting.

How could he expect her to be around members of Sparrows? Whether the men used her at Vince's orders or not, they were aware of how Vince lived and the sex trade business he ran on the street. Simply ignoring a behavior didn't make you innocent.

She let her head fall back on the couch and closed her eyes. Maybe she wasn't fair.

Dawson knew about the women Vince kept before going to prison. He'd come back four years later only to find out his sister was murdered. And, he'd searched for Roni to keep the promise he'd made Jacqueline, even though it wasn't his fault that she'd walked right into a situation she couldn't get out of by herself.

What had she done?

She left Idaho with Dawson and slept with him, knowing he was a Sparrows.

"Will I ever learn?" she asked the empty room.

What was different about Dawson? She sighed. In painstaking slowness, she'd learned to trust him, and something wonderful grew between them when she allowed herself to feel for him. She tried to fight her attraction until she lost. Or, had she won?

God, she could feel her dreams hovering right outside her reach, and she had no idea how to grab on and never let them go.

Where had her fear of him gone? When she wasn't even paying attention, she'd opened herself up and started to look forward instead of backward.

It wasn't all about the conversations they'd had or the way he made her feel confident about herself. She chewed her fingernail. He made her feel alive.

The excitement at the sight of him. The adrenaline rush at his touch. The way her body reacted pushed her mind into listening.

Then, she'd had a goal that she wasn't even aware of, because of him. He'd shown her how she wanted others to treat her. The respect, consideration, and though she never asked for his pity, the empathy he'd given her was medicine to her broken soul.

She could see the future through his eyes, and though scared, she moved on. Past Vince, Sparrows, and prostitution. She now found herself wanting to add to his life and give him the experience of being with her because he was falling in love with her, and she loved him.

God, she loved him.

She loved him.

From the moment he told her no when she'd tried to get him to have sex with her, she'd subconsciously set out to win him over. And, she'd done it.

Her plan to prove to herself that she was worth something to a man like Dawson Carver no longer entered her mind. She loved him.

She picked the bit of fingernail out of her mouth and groaned. Somehow, someway, without her even knowing, she had set out to fall gently in love with him and instead crash landed at his feet.

She gave Dawson a part of her she never realized she possessed. Vince and her stepdad built a real sense of her believing she wasn't good enough for anyone. That wasn't true.

Every morning, memories flooded back inside her head putting doubts about everything she wanted in life. Then Dawson would touch her, talk to her, look at her and erase all those doubts and he had her believing she was worth the trouble.

But, was she strong enough to invite Sparrows back in her life to receive everything she wanted and trust Dawson to protect her from the ugliness that she feared?

She stood from the couch. Dawson swore the other three members had nothing to do with the women or her. She had to be sure.

There was one way to find out before she told Dawson she loved him.

She walked to Dawson's bedroom and opened his nightstand drawer and removed the broken picture frame with the photo that upset her the first night at his apartment. Carrying the picture out to the living room, she sat on the couch and studied Dawson standing in the picture in front of his car.

Even years ago, he held himself proud and strong. She ran her finger over his body, careful of the broken pieces of glass laid haphazardly on the surface.

He'd loved his sister.

Jacqueline had sent her brother to Roni.

There were parts of her friendship with Jacqueline that she'd never share with Dawson. The truth would plague him for a lifetime, and nobody needed to relive the extreme level of punishment Vince used to hurt Jacqueline.

All Dawson's sister wanted was the love of a man, and she thought she'd made the right decision moving in with Vince. Hopeful, young, and naïve, Jacqueline soon learned about betrayal, pain, and self-hate.

"I'm so sorry, Jackie," she whispered, using the name Jacqueline wanted used in Vince's house. "I should've figured out a way to take you with me when I ran. If I had, you might still be alive."

Tears flowed down her cheeks. She never allowed herself to think about the what-ifs until Dawson walked into her life and showed her more possibilities.