Falling Into You (34 page)

“
Hallie
!” The voice is coming from very far away and I sit up and heave on the floor.
Ben
’s brown eyes are horrified.

I heave again and run to the bathroom as he follows me. I’m over the toilet, and he’s holding my hair and I’m crying and he’s patting my back. I wash my mouth over and over with water and there’s a reflection in the mirror but it looks nothing like me.

My
eyes
are blackened
and smeared
. I try
to wash my face and then I ru
n to the toilet and thro
w up over and over again until there
is
nothing left.

Had I screamed? Why didn’t I scream?

If
I could have just made my voice
louder
, if anyone had heard me.
It happens all the time, I
say
to myself. What are you going to do, call the police? Have them take your blood alcohol level and laugh at you? Another drunken hook-up. Another party.

The blackness consumes me. When I wake up, I’m floating on water.
Ben
’s bed and his eyes hovering over me.

“I didn’t know what to do,” he says, his hands running over my forehead. “What happened?”

And my head is filled with dancing and spinning and vague memories and I can’t remember anymore. “I don’t remember.”

And I don’t remember. Not exactly. Not until anoth
er voice said “h
eaven” to me and while that voice was filled with love and not filled with sickness, it’s the same words.

***

“Stop!” I scre
ech, pushing Chris away from me. The memory of it,
the night that I thought I would never remember
, is
now present
in all of its hideous detail
.
Chris’s
eyes are wide and he’s backing away
.

I want to explain what happened, why an
d how and what, but the thought
of another pair of
arms on my skin have taken over.
I’m pretty sure I’m going to be sick.
I have to go. I have to get out of here.

“I’m sorry.
It’s not y
ou. You’re perfect.” And I mean it. He i
s perfect.

He
touches
my face gently
, his eyes filled with confusion. I shudder from the contact
of his fingers against my skin,
even though
it costs me dearly when I see his face
. He
grabs
some
pillows
from the couch
and throws
them haphazardly
on the floor
, opening his arms to me without touching me.

Part of me wants nothing more than
to settle into the nook beside him but the bile is
rising in
my throat and
the urge to flee is stronger
than the need to curl up with him
.
I need a second to breathe
and that’s never going to happen in here, with him
.

I kiss
the side of his face
softly
and his arms move up automatically to pull me back down
.
“I just can’t do this right now.
”

There’s nothing else that I can give at this minute. I’m falling apart.
I
see
the hurt in his eyes and the lingering
questions, but I ca
n’t deal with them.

He was going to ask me why, I thought.
I can’t relive it
.
Not again.

I grab my things, my purse
and clothes and throw them on
and something falls from my neck onto the floor
.

“
Hallie
.” H
e says my name and
it almost breaks me
.

“It’
s not you
,”
I repeat. I can give him that, at least. “I just need some time to straighten something out. I promise.”

He gets
up and I know he’s coming to me. I
t takes everything I have not to retch on the floor.
I
bolt
without another word
, running out of the room while
yanking
my
shoes
onto my feet
.
Hoping that he wouldn’t follow me and knowing that he would,
I yell
for someone on the floor to hold the elevator and
I
disappear
into the shaft and the doors close on his confused face.

The
man in the tuxedo jacket
gives
me
a sideways look, but I grab my phone and pretend
to text someone
,
keeping my head bent low.
I try
desperately to reme
mber
Sophia
’s address as I jump
into the cab. The beginning of t
ears, bottled in my throat, begin to rise. I murmur
something to the cab driver, and
miraculously
, he understands and begins
to drive.

Keep it together, I tell
myself. You’re tougher than you think.
You’ve made it through this before.
Not like this. Not all of this
. T
he tears began to bubble out, silent, rolling down my cheeks in fat
drops
.

I manage to wipe my face and
I hand
t
he driver a twenty
when
we reach
the door of
Sophia
’s apartment
building
. Charles
gives
me a concerned look
as I rush past
him.
The confines
of the too-tight dress stretch against my skin and I want it off
. F
umbling with my keys, I unlock
the
door to the apartment and rush
int
o my room,
lock
ing
my door. The room
was unfamiliar, alien, the same way that I felt inside my own skin.

What
would he think of me? I had run from him without an
y
explanation
whatsoever, and he must think…

Everything was ruined. Why did I have to remember?

Fuck.

My phone rings and
I see the name and reach for it desperately
.
My voice is a sob.
“
Ben
.”

Chapter 22

CHRIS

I chase her to the elevator, but all I catch is another glimpse of her ravaged face before she disappears
. I slam the door
to the suite
behind me, pacing back and forth and
replaying her words in my head, her words and her face and the way that she had run.

“I’m sorry. It’s not you. You’re perfect.”
She
touched the side of my face, gr
azing my lips with her fingers. “I just can’t do this right now.
”

What the fuck is that supposed to mean?
I pick the necklace up from the floor and twist it around my hands bef
ore letting it fall back to the ground
.

For just a moment, I thought that she was going to say yes—to Prague, to a future with me. Then, something had made her change her mind.

Sophia
’s words
seep into my thoughts
:
“
Ben’s
been blowing up my phone. You better call that boy soon before I have to tell him what you’ve been up to
.
”
And later, to me:
“
He means the world to her. They’ve got something that you just can’t compete with.
History.
”

I
hadn’t
ever
asked he
r explicitly if there was someone else
. Other memories
haunt me
—
her
voice
telling me to be ca
reful
,
her face
laughing off the thought of
my
turning down James Ross an
d coming to Greenview
.

She was in love with someone else. They had history, which is something that obviously matters to her. I was nothing more than a passing attraction.

It’s the only thing that makes sense.

I
pick up
the
bottle of champagne and throw it
against the wall
.
It shat
ters into a thousand pieces.

Chapter 23

HALLIE

“Slow down
, Hallie
. Slow down. Where are you?”

“I’m in New York,
Ben
.”

My voice sounds nothing like me.
I’ve been
babbling incoherently
for the past five minutes, and Ben hasn’t said much. He’s probably wondering whether I’m ever going to start making any kind of sense.

“Yes, I know th
at,
Hallie
.”

I manage to get myself under control. “I remembered,
Ben
. Everything.
I couldn’t remembe
r and we didn’t know what to do.
I thought I hit my head, but I remembered
and I didn’t and he…”

I can’t get the words out, but
Ben
’s sharp intake of breath tells me that he knows what I’m saying.

“Slow down,
Hallie
.” His voice shakes
. “It’s going to be okay. It’s all going to be okay.”

“I need you.” It’s a plea and we both know it.

A beat. “On my way. Where in New York are you?”

“
Sophia
’s apartment.”

He lets out a
long breath. “Okay. Stay there, because I’m on the next plane to you
.
Are you going to be okay? Do you want me to stay on the phone?
”

I take a deep breath. “For a little bit.”

“Okay.”

I don’t say anything and he doesn’t say anything, but I take long, deep breaths and listen to the sounds of traffic and car horns and people chatteri
ng away on his end of the phone.

I remind myself that people everywhere are living their lives and that I am going to be okay. Eventually.

A long time passes, ten, fifteen, twenty minutes, maybe more, before I speak.

“
It’s going to be okay. You don’t need to come take care of me. I’m a big girl.” The words and my voice are saying different things.

“I’m coming.” He’s certain
and I don’t argue
.

“Ok
.
I’ll see you soon.
”

“Ok.” His voice is tense and he starts to say something, but stops himself, and then starts again. “Love you.”

It’s not something we say to each other. It’s what
I need to hear
. “I love you, too.”

There’s a knock
and
I
manage to get my legs to work well enough
to get to the door
of my room
.
Sophia
is there and she’s
staring at me like I’ve lost my mind.

“
Hallie
? Are you okay?” She
places her hand on my arm. “
Did C
hris…”

I shake my head no and try to paste a smile on my face. “No, no, I’m fine
. I just…” I don’t know what to say to her to get her to leave me alone.

She nods her head in understanding at me. “Boys. They suck. I think I’m moving to men.”

“It’s really not…” I give up. Let her think what she wants. She puts her arms around me in an embrace. “
Sophia
, is it okay if
Ben
stays here for a couple of days?”

She’s taken aback for a moment and then her face relaxes into a smile. “Of course. I probably won’t be around much tomorrow, anyways. I figured you would still be with Chris, at his big press conference.”

I’m surprised. “How did you know about that?”