False Security (11 page)

The palpable
tension crushed the air between them while they ate their omelets in silence.
Rachel finished her cup of coffee and stood up. “Would you like some more
coffee?” she asked.

Mark didn’t answer. She walked
to the coffee pot, and the drawstrings of his pajama bottoms bounced around her
knees. A day ago, he would have enjoyed watching her walk around in his clothes
after spending an incredible night together, but the scars on her back
completely obliterated all feelings of joy.

The steady sound of her clothes
tumbling in the dryer reminded him she would leave soon. If he wanted his
questions answered, if he was going to push her, now was the time. He took a
deep breath. “You said you love me.”

“I do love you, Mark,” she said
without turning around.

“Then when are you going to
learn to trust me?”

Rachel tilted the carafe until
her cup was full. Returning it to the burner, she turned around and leaned
against the counter. “It takes a long time to trust someone. Trust is a tricky
thing.”

“No, it’s not. You trust
Danielle, right?”

“Of course, but I’ve known her
for a long time. I know she won’t—”

“Won’t what? Betray you? Hurt
you? Leave you?”

“Sure. All of those things.”

“Why won’t you trust me? Do you
think I’m capable of doing any of that to you?”

Rachel averted her eyes to the
floor. “I don’t know.”

Mark pushed his chair back from
the table and stood up. “I feel like I’m walking around with a sign on my
forehead that says ‘Bad Guy’ in neon letters, but what have I done to deserve
that? I’ve done nothing to warrant your mistrust, nothing to warrant being lied
to.”

“Lied to? When have I lied to you?”

Her words rang hollow, and he
could tell she knew what he was talking about. “For starters, your explanation
of the scars on your back seems strange.”

“I told you. I was hiking.”

“I’m sorry, Rachel, but we both
know you’re not telling the truth, and I don’t understand why.”

Rachel’s silence confirmed his
suspicions that she lied to him about what happened.

“Then let’s start with something
smaller,” Mark said. “How did you get the scar on the front of your neck? It’s
hard to see, but there is one there.” He pointed to his own neck, mirroring the
location of hers. The thin scar was in an odd place for an accident requiring
stitches, but until he saw the scars on her back, he hadn’t given the one on
her neck much thought.

Her lips tightened and she
remained silent.

“You have nothing for that one?
Not even, say, a childhood roller-skating accident? Or maybe a cat scratch?”

Rachel took a sip of her coffee
and ignored him.

Mark let out his breath in a
huff. He wasn’t sure how he would ever get her to open up to him, and he
regretted starting down this road. For the first time since they started
dating, he worried he would drive her away, despite the recent revelation of
their mutual feelings.

He had gone way too far and had
too many unanswered questions to stop now. “Rachel, when I ask you questions,
your answers are vague, and the things you say don’t always make sense. It’s
obvious you’re hiding something.”

Rachel avoided his eyes. “What
am I hiding from you?”

“I don’t know, but there are all
these inconsistencies with you. Like last night, when you told me the story
about your dad. I was excited to hear a memory that means so much to you. Then
I thought about it. You told me you had a cook when you were growing up, so why
would your dad make meatloaf? I believe every word you said last night. That
was a genuine memory, but you were also telling me the truth when you said you
had a cook. So did you have the cook when you lived with your foster family?
Because if they were the ones who had money, then your trust fund didn’t come
from your parents. Did it come from your foster family? And why is it you never
talk about them, Rachel?”

Her knuckles whitened with her
tight grasp on the mug handle. She continued staring at the floor, as if
frightened to look in his direction.

Mark took a step forward. “I
know you aren’t telling me everything. You’re shutting me out of your life when
I very much want to be a part of it.”

She met his eyes and spoke in a
hushed tone. “I’m not shutting you out, Mark.”

“Okay, then let’s try something
more simple than your scars. Where is your home? Where did you grow up?”

She set the coffee mug down on
the counter behind her and crossed her arms. “California.”

“You’ve told me that before, but
California’s a pretty big place. Can you narrow it down?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.
I have a lot of sad memories with my parents’ death.”

“My parents died when I was
young, too. Hell, my mom committed suicide and I found her body, yet I still
talk about my life. Please, answer this one question. Where did you grow up in
California?”

“What does it matter if I answer
you or not? You won’t believe me,” Rachel said.

“I’d believe you if I knew you
could be honest with me.”

“I am honest with you.”

“Only when it suits you.”

“Only when it won’t hurt you.”

Mark stepped back and anxiety
sliced through his chest. Her wide eyes and open mouth revealed she had no
intention of blurting out a confession. Until now, he wasn’t convinced she was
hiding anything from him, since he only had suspicion and nothing concrete. For
the first time, he realized her eyes were stripped of innocence and held a
deep-seated torment that distressed and even frightened him.

He laid his hand on her arm, his
eyes stinging with tears. “What happened to you, Rachel?” he whispered.

Her lips parted as if she was
going to answer. She appeared to battle with herself to speak, and a tear
escaped from her moist eyes. She brushed past him and walked toward the living
room without a word.

Mark cursed under his breath and
ran to catch up with her. He grabbed her arm and whirled her around. “I know
you wouldn’t hide things from me unless you had a damn good reason for it. You
have to realize that I love you, and I am not going away. Ever. Do you
understand me?”

Rachel kept her eyes lowered to
the floor.

“Rachel, please.”

“If you knew me, you would never
say anything like that. If you knew, you wouldn’t love me, you wouldn’t want
me.”

Mark wrapped his arms around her
and she buried her face in his shoulder. “I don’t care what’s happened in the
past,” he said. “Nothing can change how I feel about you. You may think there
are things you can’t tell me, but you can. Whenever you’re ready, tell me and I
will listen.”

He held her away from him and
looked at her. “I’m on your side, Rachel. I’m not one of the bad guys. I’m
never going to leave you and I am never going to hurt you. I need you to trust
me on at least that much.”

Rachel moved into the living
room. She settled into the couch cushions and said, “San Diego.”

He sat beside her and took her
hand.

“I was born in San Diego and
lived there until I was ten. Then my parents died and I moved to northern
California.”

“With your foster family?”

“Yes. When my parents died, the
world I knew came to an end. If I don’t talk about the other family, it’s
because I would rather remember what life was like when my parents were alive.
The worst thing is I don’t remember what my parents look like.” She looked up
and met his eyes. “Isn’t that horrible? To love someone so much and not be able
to see them after they’re gone? I have a few memories of them, but their faces
are always blurred. The harder I try to see their faces, the fuzzier they
become.”

“You don’t have any pictures of
them?”

“The only thing I have is a
baseball cap my dad bought me a week before he died.” She smiled to herself.
“My mom made the mistake of sending us out to buy a dress for some school
concert. I didn’t want to wear a dress, so I told my dad if he bought me a
baseball cap, I’d get a dress. At the time, I didn’t realize he could take me
home and let Mom deal with me. After all, dresses were her department, but he
bought me the hat.”

Rachel took a deep breath before
continuing. “Sometimes I wonder if he had a feeling something was going to
happen to him. He shouldn’t have let me get away with that kind of
manipulation, but he did. It may seem like a small gesture, but that hat helped
me through their deaths. I slept in it the first few nights at the es...with
the foster family. It made me feel closer to my dad, like he was still alive
somewhere.”

She almost slipped, Mark
thought. Her first few nights at the what? She started saying something else,
but she corrected herself. Her face was calm and joyful with the memories of
her father, her voice steady and strong. But when she corrected herself, Mark saw
a flicker behind her eyes. While her expression did not change, he sensed a
tremendous pain inside of her. Despite his desperation to know, he didn’t ask,
worried she might stop talking again if he questioned her story.

He wanted to comfort and soothe
her, but without knowing what caused her pain, he didn’t know how to help. He
needed to get her to talk about her parents again. Every time she spoke about
her father, she seemed happy. “You’ve never really talked about your mother
before,” he said.

Rachel creased her brow. “I
don’t remember much about her, not like I do with my dad. I don’t know where
she worked or other details like that.” Her face softened with a smiled. “I do
know she sparked my interest in books.”

“So I have her to thank for you
coming into my bookstore,” Mark said.

“It’s all her fault we met. As
far back as I can remember, she not only read to me, she made up stories of her
own. I would sit beside her in a rocking chair on the back porch and she would
tell me fairy tales. The first time she had me make up my own story, I got to
the end of it and realized I forgot to include a Prince Charming. I was stuck
at the end, with no one to save the princess from the evil witch.”

“What happened to the princess?”

“Nothing. I couldn’t finish the
story because the princess couldn’t be saved. I think my mother was distraught,
but she didn’t show it. Instead, she coaxed me to start over and reminded me
not to forget Prince Charming. I asked her why and she told me that every fairy
tale has a Prince Charming.” A deep hurt strangled her voice and her brow
creased. “I’ve never forgotten that.”

Mark squeezed her hand, and his
gut twisted with anxiety. He wanted to drive straight to the cause of her
anguish, but he stopped himself from asking more questions. Whereas before he
searched out the truth, he was now afraid he had opened a door leading straight
to that truth. Hearing the pain in her voice, seeing the agony in her eyes, he
was no longer certain he wanted her to stop lying.

Twirling a black
permanent marker between her fingers, Rachel pretended to study the map of the
United States when Danielle entered the living room. Spread out on the coffee
table before her, Rachel looked at the black dots that peppered the map, and
wondered where they would go next.

Danielle walked over to the
table, leaned over Rachel, and found Kansas on the map with her finger. A black
dot covered the city of Wichita. “You’re kidding, right?” Danielle asked.

Rachel kept her eyes glued to
the map. Each black dot marked a city where she lived at some point during the
past three years. “We’ve been here far too long,” she said.

“I know you’ve been bouncing
around this crazy idea of leaving Mark, but I thought we were staying here for
another few weeks no matter what happened between you two.”

Rachel shrugged and said, “I’ve
changed my mind.” She set the marker down on the map.

Alarm flooded Danielle’s voice.
“What happened with Mark? You stayed with him again last night, so did you
break it off this morning?” Danielle sat down beside her on the couch after
Rachel didn’t answer. “Honey, what’s wrong?”

“I have scars.” Her voice
trembled and her eyes welled with tears. “On my back. I’m not supposed to have
any scars.”

“Come here.” Danielle drew
Rachel’s head onto her shoulder. Her hand stroked through Rachel’s hair.

“Did you know I have them?”
Rachel asked.

“Yes, but they are fading.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“You thought you didn’t have any
scars. I didn’t think you needed to know otherwise. I knew how much it would upset
you.”

“He saw them.” Rachel took in a
jagged breath. “He saw them and asked me what happened.”

“Mark?”

“I told him a lie. Another lie.
It wasn’t even a good one. He said he didn’t believe me.”

“It’s never bothered you this
much to lie in the past.”

“My whole life is nothing but a
lie. I know I’m doing it to protect him, but I’m tired of lying to him all the
time.”

“It only bothers you because you
love him.”

“I am not in love with him,”
Rachel said.

“Then what’s the problem?”

“It’s never going to end. The
rest of my life will be like it is now and it won’t ever be normal. I want it
to end once and for all. I need some sort of peace in my life. I might not
deserve peace, but that doesn’t stop me from wanting it.”

Danielle’s melodic voice soothed
her. “Remember when you used to do this for me? Whenever the pain became too
much to bear, you were always there to comfort me. You would tell me it would
pass, that one day all of my bruises and scars would disappear. You were right.
One day your scars will be gone, too. Maybe not on the outside, not all the
way, but they will go away on the inside. I think you’re somewhat in control of
how fast they disappear.”

“What are you trying to say?”

“You need to tell Mark. If you
tell him everything, you’ll have no more reason to lie or to hide. It can give
you some of that peace you’re searching for.”

Rachel lifted her head from
Danielle’s shoulder and wiped the tears off her cheeks. “There’s no way I can
tell him anything more than I already have.” Rachel rose from the couch and
moved behind it, toward the hallway. “I need to start packing.”

“Rachel, wait a sec.” Danielle
twisted in the seat to look at her. “What did you tell him?”

“This morning I told him I was
born in San Diego and that I moved to northern California after my parents
died.”

“That’s nothing. It’s not even a
scratch on the surface of who you are, let alone being good enough. You have to
tell him everything.”

“Why? So he can follow me to all
ends of the earth? I already have one groupie.”

Danielle stood up. “Hey!”

Rachel held up her hand. “I’m
sorry. That wasn’t fair. The truth is I don’t want you going with me this time.
Every minute you spend with me your life is in danger.”

“I am fully aware of the
consequences and I accept them,” Danielle said. “Do you understand how you have
changed my life? I wouldn’t even have much of a life right now if it hadn’t
been for you. Everything you have done for me has always meant so much.”

“I don’t expect or want you to
repay me for what you think I’ve done to help you.”

“I’m not repaying you. I know I
could never do for you what you did for me. Could we live without each other?
Probably. We could go our separate ways and in the end we would somehow be
fine. But life is far more interesting and enjoyable for me with you in it. Any
risk that comes with having you around is worth it. You know if you were in my
shoes, you’d do the same thing for me.”

“I appreciate that, I really
do,” Rachel said. “And yes, I would do the same thing for you without
hesitation.”

“Rach, despite the fact that I’m
willing to go with you, no matter where that takes us, I’m not going to lie to
you. It’s time for you to stop running. You have to face this.”

“It’s too late for that. It’s
out of the question.”

“What’s the absolute worst thing
that could happen if you did stop running?”

“You could die. Mark could die.”
Rachel’s face reflected the anguish inside. “And I could live.”

Danielle took a deep breath. “Do
you think they’re still searching for you after so long? I’m sure they gave up
a long time ago.”

Rachel’s mind numbed at the
thought. They. The ominous They. Though speaking in private, Rachel and
Danielle always referred to the people looking for her as They, not daring to
use any names. Those names were bitter on the tongue, fingernails on chalkboard
to the ears, and terror to the mind.

Even now, Rachel could not bring
herself to think one of those names. She was scared the moment she did, They
would hear her through some science fiction telepathy and come charging through
her front door to take away her freedom and the remainder of her sanity.

“I know they’re still searching
for me,” Rachel said. “It doesn’t matter how long it takes, they won’t give up
until they find me.”

“Then let’s go to the
authorities.”

“There’s no way we can do that.”

“Why not?”

“You know damn well why.”

“You’re right, no authorities,”
Danielle said. “But you have to tell Mark. Maybe between the three of us, we
can figure out a solution to this whole problem.”

“There is no solution.”

“I know of at least one
solution,” Danielle said. “You do own a gun.”

Rachel looked down, unwilling to
accept Danielle’s suggestion.

“If it came to that, you
wouldn’t use it, would you?” Danielle didn’t wait for her to answer. “I didn’t
think you would. Why not give it to me then? I’d be more than happy to use it
for you.”

“That’s murder, Danielle, not a
solution.” Under her breath she added, “Maybe I shouldn’t have ever started
running.”

Danielle clenched her jaw. “Tell
me those words didn’t come out of your mouth. Rach, you cannot believe that.”

“Well, look at where it’s gotten
me! I’m stuck in this life where my only option is to keep moving and keep
hiding, and now I’ve put both you and Mark in danger.”

“And you would have been so much
better off staying there?”

“I don’t know.” Rachel’s face flushed
and she whispered, “I gave up so much. I could always go back and all of this
would be over. It would get you and Mark out of harm’s way.”

Danielle moved behind the couch
and grabbed Rachel’s arm. “Why don’t we go in the bathroom so you can take a good
look at your back in the mirror? Then you can tell me if your life there was so
great.” She let go of Rachel’s arm. Her voice lowered and her eyes narrowed.
“Do you remember the pain? Was it so worth everything you gave up that you
would want to go back?”

Rachel slid down the back of the
couch until she rested on the ground. “I don’t know anymore.” She covered her
eyes with her hands to catch the fresh river of tears. She wished she could
disappear and escape Danielle’s rousing of the past. Mark had dug deep enough
that morning for her to be forced to endure more questions.

Danielle crouched beside her. “I
think you feel guilty about being with Mark, and there’s no reason for that.
You need to realize it’s okay for you to be with him. Has it ever occurred to
you that, after trying for over two months, maybe there’s a reason you can’t
kick him out of your life?”

Rachel hesitated, and bowed her
head. “I lied earlier.”

“About what?”

“I do love him.”

“I know you do, and I know that
he loves you, too. It’s okay for you to love him, but it proves my point that
you have to tell him. If you love him, you won’t keep lying to him. Let him
decide for himself what to do. You owe him that much.”

“He doesn’t deserve something as
horrible as hearing the truth. He’s one of the good ones. You said so
yourself.”

“If you think telling him the
truth will hurt him, how is he going to feel when you run and don’t tell him
you’re leaving? That’s going to hurt him far worse than any words coming out of
your mouth. Rach, you can’t leave him like this. If only because he’s one of
the good ones.”

“He won’t understand and it’s
wrong for me to expect him to try. I can’t do that to him.”

“You have a lot of great excuses
lined up and I’m sure you’ll find even more if we keep going back and forth
like this.” Danielle stood up and thrust her hands onto her hips. “I’m not
going to argue with you anymore. If you don’t tell him, I will.”

Rachel’s jaw dropped. “You can’t
do that to me. It’s not fair to me or to him.”

“I don’t care. I’m not about to
watch you screw up the best thing that’s ever happened to you. At least give
Mark an opportunity to decide how to react to your past, instead of assuming
how he’s going to feel.”

Rachel opened her mouth to
object, but Danielle’s stubborn expression warned her of the futility of
further argument. Somewhere deep inside, she knew Danielle was right. She loved
Mark too much not to tell him the truth, and she really did not want to leave
him. “Okay, you win. He’s working the rest of the day, so I’ll talk to him
tonight when he gets off.”

“You’re making the right
decision. Now, when are we leaving Wichita?”

“As soon as I can get us hooked
up with some new identities,” Rachel said, rubbing her temples. “I made contact
with a guy who owns a pawnshop across town. He does a little forgery work on
the side. I’m meeting with him for lunch to place our order, so let me know
what name you want to use and then I’ll pick them up tonight. Tomorrow morning
we’ll head out to our next exotic destination,” Rachel said with a tinge of
sarcasm.

“Where are we going?”

“I don’t know yet.” Rachel
eliminated any desire to stay in Wichita, even if it meant leaving Mark. Soon
enough, he would know who she was, and he would want her gone from his life.
Wherever she and Danielle ended up, Rachel would never make the mistake of
getting involved with a man ever again. She looked up at Danielle. “You can
pick a place this time if you want. I don’t care anymore.”

“Okay. Let’s start packing.”