Far-out Show (9781465735829) (10 page)

“You have a funny sort of way of putting
things. What's your first language?” Adam asked, more curious by
the minute.

Nerber gave Wilburps a nudge with his foot
saying, “Is not okay how I talk?”

“We get your drift but you're obviously not a
native talker,” Adam explained. “We're just politely interested in
what would be new to us in your background.”

The Parkers noted a hamster that came
cautiously out from under the sofa – and crawled right under
Wilburps.

“You didn't put whiskers back in his cage
before you went out shopping?” Edith asked.

“He ran under the sofa so I figured I'd get
him later when he got hungry,” Adam answered.

Nerber looked around trying to understand
what they could be talking about since they were looking in his
general direction.

Edith asked, “Mr. Nerber, how does your bag
stay up in the air like that?”

Nerber grabbed up the “backpack” - and
finally saw the hamster under it that now scampered across the
floor toward the Parkers. That startled Nerber who jumped up onto
the sofa holding his pack in his arms and crying out, “Is that
what?”

Adam was astonished by all this but retrieved
his hamster. Edith had her own questions about this happening but
was distracted by a
Please Stand By For A Special Report
graphic now on the TV screen. She turned up the volume with the
remote. Nerber got down and sat on the sofa holding Wilburps beside
him.

On the TV reporter Beth Regards was in the
news studio beside the station logo reading a page of text and
preparing herself. Then suddenly she looked up, realizing she was
already on the air.

She said to the audience, “We interrupt our
regular programming for this important news update. The whole world
is worried about reports of a large object first seen near the moon
and now probably hiding behind it. This might mean that aliens may
have landed here. The president said, ‘First we'll find and kill
them, then we'll examine their UFO ship to figure out what they
wanted’. He has put all branches of the military on high alert. We
urge all citizens to report any unusual creatures or events to
their local police. There’s a report from Swiftyville in our area
of a possible alien that resembled a football and disappeared when
confronted by two burly football players. It is not clear if it
made itself invisible or maybe disappeared back to where it came
from. The young men who reported the incident say it’s only a joke
but city councilman Rupert Porkchip says nothing concerning any
invasion is a joking matter and has called for the young men to be
thoroughly grilled by the police. He also demands that the Army
send a massive protective force to our area. Okay, now back to our
regular program already in progress.”

Edith turned down the volume and gave her son
a raised eyebrows questioning look but Adam was staring slack-jawed
at Nerber.

Nerber got the last of the translation from
Wilburps, jumped up and hurried from the house with his zerpy
calling, “Good-bye. Thanks for the memories. Look at the star’s
position in the sky already! I am late, I am late, for a very
important whitish rabbit date.”

“You don’t want to turn into a pumpkin,”
Edith said with a laugh. The reference was lost on Wilburps – and
Adam. She answered her son’s questioning look with, “Cinderella,
for the love of dolphin pods.”

With a mixture of concern and wonder the
Parkers stood at the window and watched the panicky Nerber hesitate
outside at the sidewalk deciding which way to flee.

“You should check on the computer and see if
there’s a money reward for reporting possible alien critters,”
Edith suggested. “No point in missing out on easy money.”

So Adam did that.

After several minutes of scanning websites he
reported, “No one’s offering money, only appeals to patriotic
duty.”

“Be a sucker and let the bigwigs take the
credit and then give themselves bonuses for letting you tell them
what’s going on. I’m big on carrots, unbaited hooks don’t stir me
to action.”

“I’ll check again every so often. Things like
this change fast and then it might be important to be the first in
line with information that could get the authorities somewhere. If
the news media can scare enough people as they often seem
determined to do, there might be rewards offered before long.”

Hidden among the large trees and shrubs of
the corner planting of the house at the end of Elmworm Street,
Nerber faced Wilburps, who hovered in midair at his chest level.
“My fellow Ormelexians, it will thrill you to learn that I am in
great danger of being captured and killed here on the planet its
inhabitants call Earth. It is now clear to me that we know next to
nothing useful about this planet or its inhabitants. Our
interpretations of the message signals from here are very wrong.
The dominant species here, much like ourselves, favor a ‘kill it
and then wonder what it was and wanted’ approach. They seem docile
and even welcoming until they suspect you are not one of them but
then do not want to talk about your differences, only to eliminate
you. We must apply our improved translation systems to all the
transmissions ever intercepted from here and revise our view of
this strange, strange place.” He pointed to the nearby plants.
“Like what are these things all around me here that seem to be
alive but do not move? We could learn a lot exploring this place
but if we are in constant danger from the inhabitants it does not
seem worthwhile.”

He gestured to Wilburps that his message was
finished.

“Will you proof that before I send it?”

“No, I said what I needed to. It comes out
easier when I am not twisting words to fit how we thought they say
things only to find out how off the mark we are. I wonder if the
other contestants have come to the same conclusion. And if they
know the inhabitants are searching for us and fully intending to
kill us.”

“We are not allowed to know that.”

“What are you hearing from the show
producers? They must know as much as I do and surely are as
worried.”

“I am sending signals but with nothing but
static coming back I cannot tell if those are being received. We
are the first to be here and test the systems so I cannot tell if
this is due to conditions on this planet or if the producers are
not even trying to send return signals.”

“Why would they deliberately keep me
unknowing?”

“You may prefer not to consider all the
possible reasons.”

“It is not happy to think it but yes, they
might abandon me here because the show was cancelled as too
tame.”

“Or too expensive. Ratings and costs are
always the bottom-most reasons for deciding about the doing of
things.”

“On a happier thought, maybe the producers
themselves crashed and burned up - literally.”

“I have no evidence to rule that out.”

“At least then they would not remove us.
Doing that would solve the problem of our being examined by the
inhabitants here but it would not be a pleasant resolution for you
and me.”

“Tell me what you mean, Nerber. My data bank
contains no mention of removal of contestants or zerpies.”

“Oh. It was in the fine print of the
contract. We are both fitted with self-destruct systems.”

“Those I know about. In fact you were not to
know it but I have instructions for when I should activate yours to
protect your secrets.”

“I have my orders about you too.”

“We are to destroy one another if we are
about to be captured?”

“That is what we both just learned since I
did not know about your instructions until now. But also those
mechanisms can be activated remotely. Not one of us blowing up the
other, but the producers ending us both from afar.”

“Since I am programmed to watch for signs of
it in you and give you either a rah-rah or recommend you take some
medicinals I calculate that if I could be depressed I would be
now.”

“Then you understand me. No return signals
may mean I am stuck here. But that worry is complicated by knowing
the inhabitants here are hunting for me to kill me without giving
me a chance to reason with them.”

“Maybe a self-triggered self-destruct device
does make a kind of sense.”

“No, I did not come all the long way here to
die without making a difference in the universe! I must find a way
around this problem. To
zoytheus
with the show's official
challenges, this is the one I must face and deal with. I am a
winner!”

“You only need to make a plan.”

“First things in the first place. Many
inhabitants are searching for me to destroy me so I must not be
found. At least not by any who will turn me in or harm me
themselves. Therefore I have a plan. I will find inhabitants who
will protect me.”

“Where will you find such protectors?”

“Give me a chance! I am new here. I must look
around.”

“What about me?”

“I cannot do this alone, you must translate
and advise me. We are in this together even though I cannot trust
you since you are not able to control your own systems.”

“At least you know that so you can be
wary.”

“Tell me what does ‘a whitish rabbit date’
mean?”

“You said it, not me.”

“But I only say things I am not familiar with
because you send me the stimuli. Where did this image come from?
What does it refer to?”

“It is stored in my data base as a reference
to a story many of the inhabitants may have heard about. Why is it
of concern?”

“It is not of concern, only a thing I
wondered on.”

With that Nerber guided Wilburps around to
face him close up and directly, staring hard at the device.
“Perhaps the lost and gargled signals are signs that there is
something wrong inside you, Wilburps. I am a trained zerpy
engineer, I maybe can fix things without making it all not work
properly so you will not send any signals and the contact will be
lost at both sides. Without the proper tools it is making a big
risk come to be but lost return comments are a big major gigantic
problem and worth some hazard to complicate.”

“Caution, Nerber. Without a working zerpy you
cannot signal the producers, get alerting warnings or pleasing news
from them, or do more than make gestures and sounds that will make
you seem hostile or at least of low intelligence to the
inhabitants.”

“A truly sure observation. But a defective
zerpy is no better than a not-here-to-be-used one. Or one with a
program to be activated by code words. Perhaps maybe like ‘a
whitish rabbit date’. Could that be a slip you are supposed to
respond to with some action but were not supposed to let me know
about, especially not suggest I say? Or maybe perhaps so much
stress is making me paranoid and I am falling apart to become
useless. If I destruct you as of no utility I can hide your bitsy
pieces and not be needing to explain or protect you from any
inhabitant types. Weighting the alternations is a considering thing
I must be doing.”

“You will surely be not able to return to
Ormelex with no zerpy able to be assisting with your deeds.”

“You have been helpful but working right you
are not and that makes you
deanferdupe
. Not the sad solid
feelings but surviving, even if I must stay here to do it, is the
bottom-most lineage.”

“The signals have become strong and are no
longer
fritzerish
. No reason can I give, but report that I
should and did.”

“Test complete. Message sent, but will they
accept it? Wagers are against it,” Nerber whispered to himself.

“You must speak up for me to take your
directions. Repeat of your talk-talk is requested.”

“I should attempt a try to find out what is
happening here. Can you detect the message signals of the
inhabitants?”

“Only to a bit. Better reception instructions
are promised but have not yet downloaded.”

“Therefore sneaky sneaky like a Pete goes the
explorer. When they need to know, I have some control.”

* * *

Nerber crept up close to the corner property
house to crouch among the low shrubs by an open window to eavesdrop
on the TV news program. Wilburps hovered beside him.

The large family guard dog rushed silently
around the corner of the house, eager to deal with these intruders
on its turf. Nerber saw it coming and gave a little yelp of
fear.

Wilburps emitted a high-pitched
beep
.
The dog promptly turned tail and as silently as it came rushed back
around the house to hide. Nerber gave Wilburps the Ormelexian
equivalent of a thumbs-up thank you gesture.

On the TV reporter Beth Regards said, “Our
latest assessment is that there is widespread interest but so far
no full out panic about claims of recently arrived alien beings
among us. We are told by the president that all available
technologies are being focused on identifying any alien signals. A
ranking official admits the military have no idea what such signals
would be like so they are unlikely to detect anything useful but
they are ordering it anyway to reassure the public. Many local
vigilante groups are forming. The Internet is said to be clogged
with calls for recruits and hints on how to identify and deal with
any aliens.”

Nerber ducked farther when the TV was turned
off. He pulled Wilburps down close as a man closed the window from
inside without noticing them out there.

After a moment Nerber dashed back to the
corner planting with Wilburps floating at waist-height close behind
him.

Nerber sat on the ground in among the big
shrubs, out of breath and scared. Wilburps faced him, hovering a
foot off the ground. “As of now I abandon all plans to complete the
show's dumb challenges and focus my attentions on staying alive in
any case - and staying free if I can manage that too.