Fast Track (23 page)

“You think you
want someone like you, someone who’s afraid of his own shadow.”

Anna tried not
to react because she knew that would be playing into his hands.
Instead, she crossed her legs and smiled. “You seem to know me so
well. If you know what I want, you should also know that it isn’t
you.” She half-expected a lightning bolt to strike her down for
having the audacity to tell such a blatant lie.

Instead of
getting angry, as she’d expected, Justin threw his head back and
laughed. “You’re just about the worst liar I’ve ever met.”

“Sure of
yourself, aren’t you?”

His humor gave
way to sadness when he said, “Am I certain that you love me? Yes.
I’d be willing to bet my life on that.”

Love seemed too
mild a word to describe what she felt. It went beyond emotion.
Every cell in her body reacted to him, as though her feelings ran
too deep to contain. She’d known Tom for years, a lifetime compared
to the time she’d spent with Justin, but her feelings for the two
men couldn’t be compared. Her feelings for Tom were warm and safe,
yet Justin made her feel out of control, on the edge of losing it
all.

“We can’t be
together.” She wished there was an easier way, but he deserved
honesty. “That’s all there is to it.”

He looked her
in the eye for so long she felt nervous laughter bubbling up. She
thought of the staring games they used to play as kids. Her mouth
twitched, and she feared she couldn’t hold it in any longer. “You
think this is funny?”

“No, I’m
sorry,” she said. She was sorry. Sorry she’d ever allowed him to
fall in love with her when the little voice in her head kept
insisting they were all wrong for each other.

“I have
something for you.” He reached into his back pocket and extracted
an envelope. “My mother asked me to give you this.”

Anna reached
for the envelope, but she was caught off guard when he held her
hand instead. “I love you, but I can’t change who I am to make you
love me,” he said.

Justin was
perfect exactly the way he was. If she sought to change a single
thing about him, he wouldn’t be the man who’d so effortlessly
stolen her heart.

“You don’t have
to.” She knelt in front of him. “You are the strongest, sexiest,
bravest man I’ve ever met, and I’ll never, ever forget you.”

“I don’t want
to give you the chance to forget me. Why does it have to be so
hard, Anna?” He gripped the nape of her neck, drawing her closer.
“When it feels this right, it’s crazy to fight it. Can’t you see
that?”

“We can’t
always let our hearts guide us, Justin. Sometimes we need to listen
to our heads and trust that common sense will lead us away from
danger.”

“So sensible,”
he said, the shadow of a smile flicking across his mouth. “But
sometimes you have to move through the danger to figure out who you
are when you’re not afraid… and what you really want.” He traced
her lips with his own, sighing softly when she set her hands on his
knees to keep him at a safe distance.

“Is that why
you race, because you’re trying to prove something to yourself, to
challenge yourself?”

“Baby, I’d
rather die a thousand deaths doing what makes me feel alive than
live in fear of doing what I love.”

She let his
words sink in. He was so brave. So strong. So wrong for her. “I
respect you for that, I do, but the qualities that make you so
incredible are the same ones that prevent us from being
together.”

“So, that’s it,
then? You’re not willing to take a chance on me? I can’t say
anything to change your mind?”

In that moment,
she was split between sinking into his arms and asking him to help
her find the courageous part of herself that she’d buried so deep
she rarely caught a glimpse of it and showing him the door so she
could pick up the pieces of a life that seemed broken beyond
repair. “I’m afraid not.”

He closed his
eyes and shook his head. “I can’t make you feel something you don’t
any more than I can convince you to become the woman I know you
want to be. You need to figure that out on your own, Anna. If ever
you do, come back to me.”

She stepped
back to let him stand up, but she practically vibrated with the
urge to hold him back, to keep him there, safe, with her. Once he
stepped back out into the world, he would be lost to her
forever.

Anna remained
silent as she walked him to the door, knowing she couldn’t say
anything that hadn’t already been said.

He gestured to
the envelope in her hand before kissing her forehead. “Even if you
won’t take a chance on me, do me a favor. Take a chance on
yourself.”

***

Justin wandered
through the doors of Hotshots, feeling as though he was in a
trance. He knew how he got from Anna’s house, but the drive was
lost to his tortured thoughts. He barely remembered directing the
limo driver. Everything other than Anna’s face, the sound of her
voice, was a blur.

“Hey, how’d it
go?” Mitch asked. He fired a concerned look at Deacon. “Forget I
asked.”

“Sit down,”
Deacon said, gesturing to the chair next to Mitch. “Let’s hear
about it.”

Justin eased
into the seat, mindful of his sore ribs. The last thing he needed
was to be out of commission a day longer than necessary. As it was,
he was going to go crazy sitting around his big empty house
thinking about
her.
“It’s over.” The words echoed in his
head. He wanted to believe there was a glimmer of hope in the
hesitation he saw in her eyes when he kissed her good-bye, but he’d
never been able to tolerate liars, and he certainly didn’t want to
become one.

“I’m sorry,
man,” Mitch said. “I know how you feel.”

“How the hell
do you deal with it? I mean, how do you move on knowing the woman
you were meant to be with is living her life without you?”

Mitch winced,
and Justin knew the months that had passed since his breakup with
Jennifer hadn’t helped to erase his memories, both good and bad.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean-”

“It’s okay,”
Mitch said. “The truth is, it doesn’t get any easier. I think it’s
like when someone who is a part of you dies. There’s always a void.
People tell you time will heal it, but it never does.”

“You don’t know
that,” Deacon said, handing them each a glass of scotch. “Could be
you just haven’t met the woman to make you forget Jen.”

Mitch tipped
the glass back. “I don’t think a woman alive can do that,
Deac.”

For the first
time, Justin understood what his friend must have gone through when
he found out the woman he’d built his life around had fallen in
love with someone else.

“Man, how many
times did I warn you?” Deacon asked. “When you find the right girl,
you don’t waste time. You ask her to marry you before someone else
does.”

Of the three of
them, Deacon was the only one smart enough to figure that out.
Justin knew a sparkly diamond ring wouldn’t be enough to make Anna
forget all the reasons she could never be his wife though.

“You were
right,” Mitch sighed. “Did I tell you I saw their engagement
announcement in the newspaper the other day?” He downed the rest of
his drink and set it on the desk so Deacon could refill it. “Three
months from now, she’s gonna be some other guy’s wife. How the hell
did I let that happen?”

Jennifer was a
sweet girl. She’d been more than patient waiting for Mitch to come
around, but she’d eventually developed feelings for the man who
owned the café next to her parents’ jewelry store. She swore to
Mitch she’d never been intimate with him when she ended their
relationship, but in Mitch’s mind, those coffee breaks and
lingering chats qualified as cheating. Justin couldn’t deny he
shared his friend’s opinion.

“You can’t go
back,” Justin said quietly.

“Don’t I know
it.” Mitch nodded at Deacon when he handed him the glass. “Did I
ever tell you that I begged her to take me back?” He muttered a
curse. “I mean, I was practically down on my knees…”

A few months
ago, Justin may have berated his friend for going to such lengths
to get a woman back, but that was before he met Anna. Before he
realized there was nothing he wouldn’t do when he loved someone
enough.

“What did she
say?” Deacon asked.

Mitch clenched
the glass in his hand. “She said she didn’t love me anymore. She
said she loved
him
.”

Justin watched
helplessly as Mitch downed another drink. Alcohol wouldn’t solve
his friend’s problems, but nothing would, so he gave him the space
to indulge without reprimand. Sometimes a guy just needed to forget
for a while.

“So, what are
you gonna do?” Deacon asked Justin. “Are you gonna wait until it’s
too late too? Are you gonna wait until you read Anna’s engagement
announcement in some newspaper or magazine?”

“Don’t,” Justin
warned. He was too raw to even think about that. He knew that day
would come. Anna was a gorgeous woman, sweet, kind, passionate. She
loved children… and she loved… him. Damn it, he knew how much she
still loved him. He saw it and felt it when they were together.
That was what made it so hard to walk away. If she’d told him she
didn’t love him, if there was someone else, maybe he could have
come to terms with her decision, but knowing the only thing keeping
them apart was her was almost a harder pill to swallow.

The days slipped away.
The school year started with the usual flurry of activity, but Anna
couldn’t get caught up in the excitement when getting out of bed in
the morning required all of her effort.

She kept
telling herself that today would be the day, the day the sun seemed
just a little brighter, the day a crayon drawing made her smile
again. But the day she waited on never came. It was as though all
the simple pleasures she’d once taken for granted vanished the day
she told Justin he could never be the man she needed.

Anna used to
give her love to each and every one of her students, without
reservation, grateful she was the person able to share the joy of
learning with them. But now those beautiful children reminded her
of the man she couldn’t forget and the children they would never
have together.

She tried to
pretend her life was still complete. If only makeup could conceal
the dark smudges under her eyes. They told the real story to anyone
who cared enough to look closely. Late at night, when she couldn’t
convince her mind to surrender to sleep, she saw his face,
questioning her, demanding answers she couldn’t give.

Why had she
thought self-preservation was more important than letting herself
experience that one great love that few people ever find? Why
couldn’t she admit that she could barely breathe in the days after
she’d sent him away?

“There you
are,” Lauren said, leaning against the doorframe. “I was hoping I
could talk you into going to Jimmy’s for a bite to eat. My dad said
there’s a great band playing tonight.”

Anna glanced at
the clock as she finished organizing craft supplies in a brightly
colored container. Once again, she was probably the last teacher to
leave the school. But the others had people waiting on them at
home, spouses, children… someone to share a meal with, to watch TV
and cuddle with. She had no one, and for the first time in her
life, she felt alone.

“I didn’t
realize it was getting so late.”

“Does that mean
you’ll come?”

“Sure, why
not?” A crowded bar beat an empty house. Once she would have shied
away from the noise, preferring to get lost in a good book instead,
but not even a good book could hold her attention. Her thoughts
inevitably drifted to Justin, and she would have to mentally list
the reasons why calling him was a bad idea.

“Great, let’s
go.” Lauren linked her arm through Anna’s when she met her at the
door. “Hey, why don’t we walk and leave our cars here? That way we
can take a cab back to your place if we decide to get a little
crazy.”

A few months
ago, ‘getting a little crazy’ would have seemed out of the realm of
possibility for Anna, but that night, it sounded like an idea worth
considering. “Sounds like a plan.”

Lauren giggled.
“Okay, what have you done with my straight-laced cousin?”

Straight-laced
. Anna hated that word, hated even more that
it described her perfectly. She was beginning to resent the
dependable, cautious side of her personality that always out
muscled her fun, spontaneous side. “Maybe it’s time for a
change.”

“Finally,”
Lauren muttered.

Anna nudged her
in the ribs, but she couldn’t hide her smile. Lauren was right.
Change was long overdue. “Why did it take you so long to knock some
sense into me?” Anna finally felt like the fog was lifting, and she
saw a faint haze of light on the horizon.

“You weren’t
ready. I thought I’d let you wallow for a while, until you hit rock
bottom.”

“God, that’s
what this is, isn’t it?” Rock bottom. She’s heard others talk about
it, but she never thought it could apply to her own life.

“It sure is.”
Lauren led the way to Jimmy’s in silence, giving Anna time and
space to process her plight.

“I don’t wanna
feel this way anymore, Lauren.”

“I don’t blame
you,” Lauren said, looping an arm around her shoulder. “This isn’t
living, honey.”

“The problem
is, I don’t know where to go from here.”

“That’s what
we’re going to try to figure out.”

The hostess at
Jimmy’s led them to a corner booth before promising a waitress
would be right back to take their order.

Lauren laughed
as she opened the menu. “I don’t know why I bother to look at this.
I have it memorized. I don’t think my dad’s changed the menu since
Jimmy and Edna owned the place.”