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Authors: M. D. Payne

Fear the Barfitron

BOOK: Fear the Barfitron
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Fear the Barfitron


Published by the Penguin Group

Penguin Group (USA) Inc., 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, USA

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Text copyright © 2013 M. D. Payne. Illustrations © 2013 by Amanda Dockery. All rights reserved. Published by Grosset & Dunlap, a division of Penguin Young Readers Group, 345 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014. GROSSET & DUNLAP is a trademark of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

Cover illustrated by Amanda Dockery

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available.

ISBN: 978-0-698-15995-2

To Lady Payne and
our little monster, Molly

Fear the Barfitron

by M. D. Payne

Table of Contents


1 Summer × 1 Zillion Lawns = 0

The First Day

The Light at the End of the Classroom

Welcome to Raven Hill

They’re All Ravin’ at Raven!

Amuse Me

Creepy Meeting


Losing Sleep…and My Mind

Put on Your Dancin’ Shoes!

Great Balls of Fire

School Makes Me Want to Barf

A Crazy Adventure

Blood, Sweat, and Fears

What’s for Dinner?

No Escape


No Chance for Recovery

Invasion of the Sussuroblats

Buckets of Barf

Eat That, Roaches!

The Sussuroblats MUSTDIE!

A Batty Plan


All’s Well That Ends…Uh-oh


Three mysterious figures sprinted through a dark, overgrown forest.

“We must be swift,” a well-dressed pale man in the lead yelled. “We mustn’t risk Percy’s safety much longer!”

“We’re close,” a short woman in a white uniform and a hairnet yelled back. “The boy’s house eez just past the creek.” She struggled to push along a man nearly twice her size. His sprint slowed to a stumble. Something was wrong. He appeared to be sick, or even worse—wounded.

“Meeee wwwaaa,” moaned Percy through his crooked black teeth. “Wwwant go hoooome!”

“Soon, old friend,” the well-dressed man gasped. “We just need you to do one thing.”

All three jumped into the creek, pushing through the cold, sandy water. Their shoes and pants legs quickly became drenched, but they had to keep moving. Percy wouldn’t survive another attack.

Halfway across, the hairnetted woman lost her footing. “
Ay Dios mío
!” she yelped as she slipped face-first into the icy water.

“I’ve got you,” the well-dressed man yelled, and helped her to her feet.

Rising out of the creek, the hairnetted woman didn’t even notice the freezing-cold uniform that now clung to her. All she could do was scan the darkness for their friend.

“Percy!” she yelled. “Percy!!!”

Slumped on a log at the edge of the water sat Percy. His huge head slouched over his wide, lifeless chest. They couldn’t see Percy’s eye, but both were almost sure it must be closed.

“We have to wake him!” the well-dressed man yelled.

They both shot out of the water toward Percy.

And that’s when they heard them…

Loud, slurpy growls coming from the other side of the creek.

They both froze.

Turning, the well-dressed man’s eyes widened in fear. Coming toward them, through the darkness, were dozens—maybe
hundreds—of spitting and screeching mouths. More than either of them had ever seen in their lives.

He grabbed Percy’s wrinkled face and lifted up his head. Percy’s eye popped open in surprise.

“Percy!” he yelled. “They’re here. We must run. Now, Percy.”

“NOW!” The well-dressed man and woman yelled together.

Percy jumped up, using what life he had left, and the three ran even faster now. Behind them, the sound of the vile creatures was deafening.

“Eet’s just up ahead,” said the hairnetted woman over the hungry screeching. “Soon after the clearing!”

They burst through the edge of the forest. In the moonlight, it became evident how old and weak Percy looked, despite his massive and once-powerful frame. The old man huffed and wheezed as he did his best to keep up.

Halfway from the forest to the house they were met by a fresh batch of the evil creatures.

“Nooooooo!” Percy yelled.

“We’re surrounded,” the well-dressed man said.

“There must be three dozen or more,” screeched the hairnetted woman. Now she
shaking, but not from the cold creek water.

She was shaking from fear.

The well-dressed man pulled a Taser out of his jacket pocket as fast as he could, but his enemy moved swiftly.

“Waaaaaahhhhh!” Percy yelled. He swatted at them weakly, but soon they were upon him.

They scrambled all over him, dozens upon dozens, slurping and chewing. He fell to the ground, lost under the swarm.

“Noooooo!” the well-dressed man yelled, zapping as many of the hard shells as he could with his Taser.

The hairnetted woman ripped off her hairnet, stretched it out, and captured one creature at a time. She tied them up in her net so the well-dressed man could more easily kill them.

But there were just too many.

Before they could destroy even half a dozen of the disgusting beasties, the swarm left as quickly as it had come. They scurried off of Percy, leaving a trail of monster juice. He had been drained. Percy didn’t have much time left.

“Percy!” the well-dressed man yelled. “Hang in there, old man.”

The well-dressed man and the once-hairnetted woman worked together to lift Percy’s massive body off the ground and drag him as fast as they could toward the house in the distance.

“Gwwwwaaaaa!” Percy moaned through a mouth filled with black slime.

“Shhhhh,” said the once-hairnetted woman. “You’re going to be okay.”

But they both knew that Percy wouldn’t be okay. They just needed him to hang on long enough to answer the question that burned through their minds.

After an exhausting effort, they were able to make it to the window at the back of the house.

“This is Chris,” the once-hairnetted woman said to Percy.

They turned Percy’s head so he could get a better look. His eye was starting to lose its glimmer. He was fading fast.

They could see a young boy on his bed, counting a large pile of money. He seemed upset by the amount, counting it over and over again. He pulled over a laptop, opened it up, and tapped away at the keys.

BOOK: Fear the Barfitron
8.3Mb size Format: txt, pdf, ePub

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