Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy (19 page)

The first step in overcoming your fear of criticism concerns your own mental processes: Learn to identify the negative thoughts you have when you are being criticized. It will be most helpful to write them down using the double-column technique described in the two previous chapters. This will enable you to analyze your thoughts and recognize where your thinking is illogical or wrong. Finally, write down rational responses that are more reasonable and less upsetting.

An excerpt from Art’s written homework using the double-column technique is included (Figure 6–1). As he learned to
think
about the situation in a more realistic manner, he stopped wasting mental and emotional effort in catastrophizing, and was able to channel his energy into creative, goal-oriented problem solving. After evaluating precisely what he had said that was offensive or hurtful, he was able to take steps to modify his clinical style with patients so as to minimize future similar mistakes. As a result, he learned from the situation, and his clinical skills and maturity increased. This gave his self-confidence a boost and helped him overcome his fear of being imperfect.

To put it succinctly, if people criticize you the comments they make will be
right
or
wrong
. If the comments are wrong, there is really nothing for you to be upset about. Think about that for a minute! Many patients have come to me in tears, angry and upset because a loved one made a critical comment to them that was thoughtless and inaccurate. Such a reaction is unnecessary. Why should you be disturbed if someone else makes the mistake of criticizing you in an unjust manner? That’s the other guy’s error, not yours. Why upset yourself? Did you expect that other people would be perfect? On the other hand, if the criticism is
accurate
, there is still
no reason
for you to feel overwhelmed. You’re not expected to be perfect. Just acknowledge your error and take whatever steps you can to correct it. It sounds
simple
(and it is!), but it may take some effort to transform this insight into an emotional reality.

Figure 6–1.
Excerpt from Art’s written homework, using the double-column technique. He initially experienced a wave of panic when he received critical feedback from his supervisor about the way he handled a difficult patient. After writing down his negative thoughts, he realized they were quite unrealistic. Consequently, he felt substantial relief.

Of course, you may fear criticism because you feel you need the love and approval of other people in order to be worthwhile and happy. The problem with this point of view is that you’ll have to devote all your energies to trying to please people, and you won’t have much left for creative, productive living. Paradoxically, many people may find you less interesting and desirable than your more self-assured friends.

Thus far, what I have told you is a review of the cognitive techniques introduced in the previous chapter. The crux of the matter is that only
your
thoughts can upset you and if you learn to
think
more realistically, you will
feel
less upset. Right now, write down the negative thoughts that ordinarily go through your head when someone criticizes you. Then identify the distortions and substitute more objective rational responses. This will help you feel less angry and threatened.

Now I would like to teach you some simple verbal techniques which may have considerable practical relevance. What can you say when someone is attacking you? How can you handle these difficult situations in a way that will enhance your sense of mastery and self-confidence?

Step One
—
Empathy
. When someone is criticizing or attacking you, his (or her) motives may be to help you or to hurt you. What the critic says may be
right
or
wrong
, or
somewhere in between
. But it is not wise to focus on these issues initially. Instead, ask the person a series of specific questions designed to find out
exactly
what he or she means. Try to avoid being judgmental or defensive as you ask the questions. Constantly ask for more and more specific information. Attempt to see the world through the critic’s eyes. If the person attacks you with vague, insulting labels, ask him or her to be more specific and to point out exactly
what it is about you the person dislikes. This initial maneuver can itself go a long way to getting the critic off your back, and will help transform an attack-defense interaction into one of collaboration and mutual respect.

I often illustrate how to do this in a therapy session by role-playing an imaginary situation with the patient so that I can model this particular skill. I’ll show you how to role-play; it’s a useful skill to develop. In the dialogue that follows, I want you to imagine you are an angry critic. Say the most brutal and upsetting thing to me you can think of. What you say can be true, false, or partly both. I will respond to each of your assaults with the empathy technique.

What I am doing is simple. By asking you specific questions I minimize the possibility that you will reject me completely. You—and I—become aware of some specific concrete problems that we can deal with. Furthermore, I am giving you your day in court by
listening
to you so as to understand the situation
as you see it
. This tends to defuse any anger and hostility and introduces a problem-solving orientation in the place of blame casting or debate. Remember the first rule—even if you feel the criticism is
totally
unjust, respond with empathy by asking specific questions. Find out precisely what your critic means. If the person is very hot under the collar, he or she may be hurling labels at you, perhaps even obscenities. Nevertheless, ask for more information. What do those words mean? Why does the person call you a “no-good shit”?
How
did you offend this individual?
What
did you do?
When
did you do it?
How often
have you done it?
What else
does the person dislike about you? Find out what your action means to him or her. Try to see the world through your critic’s eyes. This approach will frequently calm the roaring lion and lay the groundwork for a more sensible discussion.

Step Two
—
Disarming the Critic
. If someone is shooting at you, you have three choices: You can stand and shoot back—this usually leads to warfare and mutual destruction; you can run away or try to dodge the bullets—this often results in humiliation and a loss of self-esteem; or you can stay put and skillfully disarm your opponent. I have found that this third solution is by far the most satisfying. When you take the wind out of the other person’s sails, you end up the winner, and your opponent more often than not will also feel like a winner.

How is this accomplished? It’s simple: Whether your
critic is right or wrong, initially
find some way to agree with him or her
. Let me illustrate the easiest situation first. Let’s assume the critic is primarily correct. In the previous example when you angrily accused me of sounding rushed and indifferent on several occasions, I might go on to say: “You’re absolutely right. I was rushed when you called, and I probably
did
sound impersonal. Other people have also pointed this out to me at times. I want to emphasize that I didn’t intend to hurt your feelings. You’re also right that we
have
been rushed during several of our sessions. You might recall that sessions can be any length you like, as long as we decide this ahead of time so that the scheduling can be appropriately adjusted. Perhaps you’d like to schedule sessions that are fifteen or thirty minutes longer, and see if that’s more comfortable.”

Now, suppose the person who’s attacking you is making criticisms you feel are unfair and not valid. What if it would be unrealistic for you to change? How can you agree with someone when you feel certain that what is being said is utter nonsense? It’s easy—you can agree
in principle
with the criticism, or you can find some
grain
of truth in the statement and agree with that, or you can acknowledge that the person’s upset is understandable because it is based on how he or she views the situation. I can best illustrate this by continuing the role-playing; you attack me, but this time say things that are primarily false. According to the rules of the game, I must (1) find some way to agree with
whatever
you say; (2) avoid sarcasm or defensiveness; (3) always speak the truth. Your statements can be as bizarre and as ruthless as you like, and I guarantee I will stick by these rules! Let’s go!

By this time (or sooner) the angry critic will usually lose steam. Because I do not fight back but instead find a way to agree with my opponent, the person quickly seems to run out of ammunition, having been successfully disarmed. You might think of this as winning by avoiding battle. As the critic begins to calm down, he or she will be in a better mood to communicate.

Once I have demonstrated these first two steps to a patient in my office, I usually propose we reverse roles to give the patient the chance to master the method. Let’s do this. I will criticize and attack you, and you will practice the empathy and make up your own answers. Then see how closely they are accurate or nonsensical. To make the following dialogue a more useful exercise, cover up the responses called “You” and make up your own answers. Then see
how closely they correspond with what I have written. Remember to ask questions using the empathy method and find valid ways to agree with me using the disarming technique.