Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy (48 page)
Read Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy Online
Authors: David D. Burns
Here’s how you can do this. Write an essay in which you spell out why it is both
irrational
and
self-defeating
to try to be perfect or to fear making mistakes. The following was written by Jennifer, the student mentioned earlier:
1. I fear making mistakes because I see everything in absolutist, perfectionistic terms—
one mistake and the whole is ruined
. This is erroneous. A small mistake certainly doesn’t ruin an otherwise fine whole.
2. It’s good to make mistakes because then we learn—in fact, we won’t learn
unless
we make mistakes. No one can avoid making mistakes—and since it’s going to happen in any case, we may as well accept it and learn from it.
3. Recognizing our mistakes helps us to adjust our behavior so that we can get results we’re more pleased with—so we might say that mistakes ultimately operate
to make us happier and make things better
.
4.
If we fear making mistakes, we become paralyzed
—we’re afraid to do or try anything, since we might (in fact, probably will) make some mistakes. If we restrict our activities so that we won’t make mistakes, then we are really defeating ourselves. The more we try and the more mistakes we make, the faster we’ll learn and the happier we’ll be ultimately.
5. Most people aren’t going to be mad at us or dislike us because we make mistakes—they all make mistakes, and most people feel uncomfortable around “perfect” people.
6. We don’t die if we make mistakes.
Although such an essay does not
guarantee
that you will change, it can help get you started in the right direction. Jennifer reported an enormous improvement the week after she wrote the essay. She found it useful in her studies to focus on learning rather than obsessing constantly about whether or not she was great. As a result, her anxiety decreased and her ability to get things done increased. This relaxed, confident mood persisted through the final examination period at the end of the first semester—a time of extreme anxiety for the majority of her classmates. As she explained, “I realized I didn’t
have
to be perfect. I’m going to make my share of mistakes. So what? I can learn from my mistakes, so there’s
nothing
to worry about.” And she was right!
Write a memo to yourself along these lines. Remind yourself that the world won’t come to an end if you make a mistake, and point out the potential benefits. Then read the memo every morning for two weeks. I think this will go a long way toward helping you join the human race!
10
. In your perfectionism you are undoubtedly great at focusing on all the ways you fall short. You have the bad habit of picking out the things you haven’t done and ignoring those you have. You spend your life cataloging every mistake and shortcoming. No wonder you feel inadequate! Is somebody forcing you to do this? Do you
like
feeling that way?
Here’s a simple method of reversing this absurd and painful tendency. Use your wrist counter to click off the things you do
right
each day. See how many points you can accumulate. This may sound so unsophisticated that you are convinced it couldn’t help you. If so, experiment with it for two weeks. I predict you’ll discover that you will begin to focus more on the positives in your life and will consequently feel better about yourself. It sounds simplistic because it is! But who cares, if it works?
11
. Another helpful method involves exposing the absurdity in the all-or-nothing thinking that gives rise to your perfectionism. Look around you and ask yourself how many things in the world can be broken down into all-or-nothing categories. Are the walls around you totally clean? Or do they have at least
some
dirt? Am I totally effective with all of my writing? Or partially effective? Certainly every single paragraph of this book isn’t polished to perfection and breathtakingly helpful. Do you know anyone who is
totally
calm and confident
all
the time? Is your favorite movie star perfectly beautiful?
Once you recognize that all-or-nothing thinking doesn’t fit reality very often, then look out for your all-or-nothing thoughts throughout the day, and when you notice one, talk back to it and shoot it down. You’ll feel better. Some examples of how a number of different individuals combat all-or-nothing thoughts appear in Figure 14–5.
12
. The next method to combat perfectionism involves personal disclosure. If you feel nervous or inadequate in a situation, then share it with people. Point out the things you feel you’ve done inadequately instead of covering them up. Ask people for suggestions on how to improve, and if they’re going to reject you for being imperfect, let them do it and get it over with. If in doubt as to where you stand, ask if they think less of you when you make a mistake.
Figure 14–5
. How to replace all-or-nothing thoughts with others that are more in tune with reality. These examples were contributed by a variety of individuals.
If you do this, you must of course be prepared to handle the possibility that people
will
look down on you because of your imperfections. This actually happened to me during a teaching session I was conducting for a group of therapists. I pointed out an error I felt I had made in reacting angrily to a difficult, manipulative patient. I then asked if any of the therapists present thought less of me after hearing about my foible. I was taken aback when one replied in the affirmative, and the following conversation took place:
T | (in the audience): I have two thoughts. One thought is a positive one. I appreciate your taking that risk to point out your error in front of the group because I would have been scared to do it. I think it takes great courage on your part to do this. But I have to admit I’m ambivalent about you now. Now I know that you |
D | Well, I |
T | I guess in the context that you see so many patients each week for so many years, if you make one blunder like that it’s definitely not earthshattering. It’s not going to kill her or anything. But I do feel let down, I have to admit. |
D | But it |
T | Well, I am. I thought you had a sufficiently wide behavioral repertoire that you could easily handle nearly |
D | Well, that’s untrue. I |
T | Yeah. I really do. I have to say that. Because now I see that there’s a reasonably easy kind of conflict that can upset you. You were unable to handle it without showing your vulnerabilities. |
D | That’s true. At least |
T | Well, it shows that at least in that case, and I assume in others, that you don’t handle things as well as I thought you did. |
D | I think that’s correct. But the question is, why do you think less of me because I am imperfect? Why are you looking down on me? Does it make me less a person to you? |
T | You’re exaggerating the whole thing now, and I don’t feel that you are necessarily of less value as a human or anything like that. But on the other hand, I think you’re not as good as a therapist as I thought you were. |
D | That’s true. Do you think less of me because of that? |
T | As a therapist? |
D | As a therapist |
T | Yes, I suppose I do. |
D | Why? |
T | Well, I don’t know how to say this. I think “therapist” is the primary role that I know you in. I’m disappointed to find you’re so imperfect. I had a higher expectation of you. But perhaps you’re better in other areas of your life. |
D | I hate to disappoint you, but you’ll discover that in many other aspects of my life I’m even |
T | Well, I do think less of you as a person. I think that’s an accurate description of how I’m feeling about you. |
D | Why do you think less of me because I don’t measure up to your standard of perfection? I’m a human and not a robot. |
T | I’m not sure I understand that question. I judge people in terms of their performance. You goofed up, so you have to face the fact I’ll judge you negatively. It’s tough, but it’s reality. I thought you should perform better because you’re our preceptor and our teacher. I expected |
D | Well, I think you |
This kind of dialogue transcends the possibility you will feel put down. Asserting your right to make mistakes will paradoxically make you a greater human being. If the other person feels disappointed, the fault is really his for having set up the unrealistic expectation you are more than human. If you don’t buy into that foolish expectation, you won’t have to become angry or defensive when you do goof up—nor will you have to feel any sense of shame or embarrassment. The choice is clear-cut: You can either try to be perfect and end up miserable, or you can aim to be human and imperfect and feel enhanced. Which do you choose?
13
. The next method is to focus mentally on a time in your life when you were really happy. What image comes to mind? For me the image is of climbing down into Havasupai Canyon one summer vacation when I was a college
student. This canyon is an isolated part of the Grand Canyon, and you have to hike into it or arrange for horses. I went with a friend. Havasupai, an Indian word meaning “blue-green water people,” is the name of a turquoise river that bubbles out of the desert floor and turns the narrow canyon into a lush paradise many miles long. Ultimately, the Havasupai River empties into the Colorado River. There are a number of waterfalls several hundred feet high, and at the bottom of each, a green chemical in the water precipitates out and makes the river’s bottom and edges smooth and polished, just like a turquoise swimming pool. Cottonwood trees and Jimsohweed with purple flowers like trumpets line the river in abundance. The Indians who live there are easygoing and friendly. It is a blissful memory. Perhaps you have a similar happy memory. Now ask yourself—what was
perfect
about that experience? In my case,
nothing
! There were no toilet facilities, and we slept in sleeping bags outdoors. I didn’t hike perfectly or swim perfectly, and nothing was perfect. There was no electricity available in most of the village because of its remoteness, and the only available food in the store was canned beans and fruit cocktail—no meat or vegetables. But the food tasted darn good after a day of hiking and swimming. So who needs perfection?