Feeling Sorry for Celia (9 page)

Actually, are you sure you know what a boy is?

We are so weary of you. We are also very tired of telling you about the big white box in the kitchen where you belong.

Yours sincerely,

The Association of Teenagers

ELIZABETH!!!!

LOOK OVER HERE ON THE KITCHEN BENCH
.

ABOVE THIS NOTE YOU WILL SEE A RECIPE BOOK. YOU MIGHT NOT KNOW WHAT A RECIPE BOOK IS. IT IS THE ONLY BOOK ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER
UNLESS YOU HAVE PLACED ANOTHER, DIFFERENT BOOK HERE TOO
.

IF YOU HAVE, REMOVE IT AT ONCE, AND YOU WILL SEE THE RECIPE BOOK

ANOTHER CLUE IS THAT IT HAS PICTURES OF
FOOD
ON THE FRONT COVER. IT ALSO HAS SOME
ACTUAL
FOOD STUCK TO THE PAGES. THE PICTURE OF FOOD ON THE FRONT COVER IS CRANBERRY DUCK WITH SCALLOPED POTATOES.
BUT I CANNOT EXPLAIN TO YOU WHAT THE ACTUAL FOOD IS, BECAUSE I CANNOT IDENTIFY IT
.

PLEASE PICK UP THE RECIPE BOOK AND OPEN IT TO PAGE 124. THERE WILL BE A RECIPE THERE CALLED ’ORIENTAL CHICKEN’. CAN YOU MAKE THE
MARINADE
FOR IT? DO YOU SEE IT? IT’S DOWN THE BOTTOM OF THE PAGE. USE THE WHITE DISH WITH THE BLUE FLOWERS ON THE EDGE. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS PUT EACH OF THE THINGS UNDER THE HEADING ’MARINADE’ IN THE WHITE DISH. THEN PUT THE CHICKEN PIECES IN IT, AND COVER IT, AND PUT IT IN THE FRIDGE. THE CHICKEN PIECES ARE IN THE FRIDGE ALREADY, SO THEY HAVE HAD EXPERIENCE BEING THERE.

I HOPE YOU HAVE FUN DOING THIS.

YOUR MUM

Mum,

The chicken is in the marinade. I had more fun than I ever thought possible.

I’m taking Lochie to the park for a run, and then I have to do a proper run myself. I want to do 10k today, so I won’t be back until around seven. See you then.

Love from Elizabeth

PS I got some new soy sauce on page 124 of your recipe book. You can identify it because it’s kind of in the shape of a cow.

ELIZABETH!!!

THANK YOU VERY VERY MUCH FOR MAKING THE MARINADE. IT LOOKS PERFECT. I HAVE PUT IT IN THE OVEN AND IT WILL BE READY AROUND SEVEN THIRTY. HELP YOURSELF (MAKE SOME RICE TO GO WITH IT? THERE ARE INSTRUCTIONS ON THE PACKET) AND SAVE SOME FOR ME.

I HAD TO GO OUT TO AN EMERGENCY MEETING OF THE POETRY CLUB. I’LL BE BACK SOON.

LOVE,

YOUR MUM

Dear Ms Clarry,

You followed that recipe for Oriental Chicken perfectly. The speed with which you grated that ginger, not even really sure whether it was ginger or not! The strength in your wrist when you squeezed the orange!

The rice was a little gluggy but you’ll soon get the knack! Your presentation was magnificent – a sea of rice with the chicken scattered artistically over the top! Perfect! (A glass of cold apple juice was a really thoughtful accompaniment, too.)

Most of all, however, we are impressed by how well you packed that dishwasher after you had finished. Moving the knife-and-fork holder to the
far left corner
was a stroke of genius – and the way you nestled the plastic dishes
underneath the saucepan!!!
Heavenly! Blissful!

One day you are sure to join our ranks!

With our Kindest Best Wishes,

Housewives of the World United

PS We are concerned about the Housewifeliness of your mother, though. Imagine dashing out while the Oriental Chicken was cooking! The marinade could have been ruined! How did she know whether you’d be back from your run in time to stop it burning – frizzling into nothing! Maybe you could ask her just what sort of
emergency
a poetry club has anyway?

Music that catches your soul in a fishnet – The Seaweed Savages play their latest album:
Serve up the Shark Bait Platter, Hon.

Friday, July 23rd – Riverside Rathouse, Bundagai,

Saturday, July 24th – Bluemoon Newmoon, Newcatle

Sunday, July 25th – Coogee All-Nighter, Coogee

Monday, July 26th – Kirribilli Fun Parlour

Tuesday, July 27th – Randwick Workers Club

Wednesday, July 28th – Avoca Beach RSL

Thursday, July 29th – Terrigal Surf Lifesaving Club

HEY LIZZY. If the Seaweed Savages hadn’t done so many bloody shows, there’d be room on this postcard to write to you. They played the opening number at the circus last week. The drummer bought Pat and me Orgasms all night, I was
sick as a dog
. Sorry, no more room, love, Celia.

Dear Elizabeth,

It has come to our attention that, in Celia’s absence from school, you have been hanging around Daniella and Flick. It has also come to our attention that Flick brought a home-waxing kit to school today, and started waxing her legs at lunch-time, and both she and Daniella were hysterical with laughter.

You might not have found it even slightly funny, Elizabeth, but that is no excuse. The idea is to join in laughing anyway: not sit there frowning like a boring bullfrog.

Furthermore, we do not believe that you are going to make much progress in a friendship with that girl called Christina, from Brookfield. Your only hope is to offer her some excellent advice about sex.

Now, how exactly are YOU, of all people, going to manage that?

Perhaps you ought to buy a book?

Yours sincerely,

Handy Hints on How to Make Friends

(A Division of the Best Friends Club)

Click-on, click-off: The Occult comes to the Internet!
www.weird.wacky.wild.demons!

Hey Lizzy,

I don’t get this card either. GUESS WHAT HAPPENED TODAY? I flew. I actually flew through the air. Patricia hooked me up in these braces things, and I just went zooming up to the top of the circus tent and then spinning all over the place.

It was the most exciting, exhilarating thing that ever happened to me. I know what it’s like to be a bird. The circus manager is still treating me so nice -we’ve started playing chess every night until three a.m. I might ask if we can play inside sometimes, cause it gets kind of cold at night, and I think I’m getting the flu! Anyway, hope you’re okay, lots of love,

CELIA.

Dear Christina,

I don’t think you should have sex if you don’t want to. You should never let anyone pressure you into it. But I guess that’s not the problem, is it? Cause you do want to. I don’t know, maybe you just should? Or do you think that you’re kind of not
ready
? I think you shouldn’t do it unless you’re sure that you’re ready.

It’s very weird that you know what I look like. Yeah, that’s me, and my ears are the stupidest things in the world. How embarrassing. Too bad if I wanted to keep them a secret.
Tell that friend of yours to stop watching. Though he’s good at description – that’s exactly what Celia’s like, a fairy princess floating through the window and up into the clouds, like a paper lantern.

It’s funny that he mentioned that there’s also a guy from our school who catches the Glenorie bus, who always stands up for old people and has running shoes tied around his shoulders. That guy is Saxon Walker and he’s never spoken a word to me in my entire life
until today
. Spooky. He actually came and sat next to me on the bus, and we talked
the whole way
. It turns out he’s training for the same run as I am, so we had a lot to talk about. You know, ‘marathon stories’ – he told me about this famous race where one guy was
just
ahead of the other guy, but he turned around to check on him as he reached the finish line, and that tiny second meant the other guy won. I told him about a marathon in Vancouver where a man was winning by so much that he was
three miles
ahead of his nearest competitor, but he didn’t realise, so he didn’t stop to get a drink even though it was steaming hot and he was completely dehydrated. He ran into the stadium for the last lap, fell down, tried to stand up, and fell down again. Then he couldn’t get up at all, and ambulance people rushed in, and then it was a race to save his life and he almost died.