Fiancee for Hire (9 page)

“His manhood,” Griselda wailed. “It has exploded.”

Mac winced as Zapata angled the large lizard up and he caught sight of something that did indeed look like an exploded manhood.

“Holy shit,” Mac murmured. “His dick blew up. They probably didn’t cover that one in vet school?”

“Of course they did, sweetie,” Kelli replied, looking bizarrely calm. “It’s a prolapsed hemipenis, very common in reptiles.”

All three pairs of eyes swung to her, looking baffled. “A hemi-what?” Mac asked.

Kelli was already crouching low, inspecting the lizard from beneath. “A hemipenis or hemipene. Many kinds of reptiles have not one, but two intromittent sex organs everted for reproduction via erectile tissue. The hemipene is one half of the paired, erectile, copulatory organ protruded through the cloaca.”

Mac blinked, as distracted by the view down the front of Kelli’s dress as he was by the words coming from her mouth. “Lizards have two penises?”

“Sure, so do snakes, sharks, koalas, kangaroos—well, technically the marsupials have a bifurcated penis, which is more like one penis that splits into two.” She looked up at their dumbstruck hosts from her position on the floor at their feet. “Have you had him long?”

“Only a few weeks,” Zapata said. “He was a gift from a collector. Is he dying?”

“No, but we need to treat him. He’s not going to be able to retract the organ on his own. Where is your bathroom?”

Griselda touched a hand to her throat and sniffed loudly. “There’s a powder room down that hallway and to the left.”

“Not a powder room, a bathroom. With a bathtub.” Kelli stood up and looked at Griselda. “I need you to bring me sugar and some mineral oil. If you don’t have mineral oil, we can use a sexual lubricant like KY Jelly, if you have it.”

Griselda blinked, then nodded. “The kind that warms when you blow on it?”

“I don’t think Felix is too picky about that.” Kelli turned to Zapata. “Let’s bring him into the bathroom and start running a warm bath. Have you bathed him before?”

Zapata shook his head, looking nothing like the ruthless arms dealer Mac knew him to be. “I did not know I needed to.”

“It’s okay. I just wanted to know how he tolerates water. Most tegus are fond of it, especially if we run the water a bit warm. Mac, would you grab my purse? There’s a little medical kit I need.”

Mac stared, dumbfounded. “You brought a medical kit to dinner?”

“I never leave home without it. Come, let’s get to work.”

Mac brought up the rear, feeling ridiculous holding a beaded purse and marching behind his fake fiancée, his ex-girlfriend, and notorious arms dealer carrying a double-dicked lizard. Griselda fell into step beside her husband carrying a five-pound bag of sugar and a half-used tube of KY Jelly.

How the hell did I end up here?
Mac wondered, as they paraded down the hall.

By the time he reached the bathroom, Kelli was already kicking off her shoes. She climbed into the tub, running water over her bare feet as she tested the temperature with her fingers. Mac resisted the urge to admire her butt as she bent down to plug the tub.

“This bathtub, it was just cleaned,” Griselda offered helpfully. Beside her, Zapata was cooing something unintelligible into the lizard’s ear. Did lizards have ears? Mac wasn’t sure, and obviously wasn’t too familiar with the anatomy of reptiles. Two penises? Holy shit.

“May I have the sugar, please?” Kelli asked, stepping out of the tub.

Griselda handed her the bag without comment, and Kelli dumped a generous amount into the tub and swished it around with her hand. Then she held out her arms. “May I please have Felix?”

Zapata eyed her with surprised. “He is very heavy, be careful.”

Kelli gave him a smile. “I do this sort of thing all the time.”

Mac nodded trying to look like a man accustomed to seeing his beautiful fiancée fixing lizard penises in a bathtub. “First you perform dog surgery in a wedding gown, and now you’re fixing lizard dicks in a cocktail dress.”

“It is a beautiful dress,” Griselda said earnestly.

“Thank you,” Kelli said, wrapping her arms around the lizard and pulling him to her chest. “Mac helped me choose it last night.”

She smiled at Mac, a flicker of mischief in her eye as she held the massive lizard against her breasts. She stepped toward the sugar bath, cooing to the creature as she moved. “Here we go, big guy. We’ll get that pork sword back in place in no time.”

The lizard flicked its tongue and gave Mac a look he could have sworn was smug. Mac bent down so he was eye level with Felix. “Don’t get too comfortable, buddy. She’s going home with me.”

Kelli smiled and lowered the animal into the water. It was only a couple inches deep and liberally laced with sugar. Mac expected Felix to thrash or fight, but he seemed to relax at once.

“What does the sugar water do?” Griselda asked.

“It’s one way to reduce the prolapse,” Kelli said, kneeling beside the tub and rubbing a handful of sugar against the creature’s underside. “Right now, it’s too swollen to be pulled back into his body where it belongs.”

“And the, uh—” Mac glanced at the tube of KY Jelly in Griselda’s hand. He looked away fast, not certain what etiquette called for when one’s ex-girlfriend stood gripping a half-used tube of sexual lubricant in the presence of her arms dealer husband and her ex-lover’s fake fiancée.

“The lubricant will allow me to slip the prolapsed hemipene back in place,” Kelli replied. “Then I’ll use a purse-string suture to tighten the opening enough to hold both organs inside.”

“And you believe he will live?” Zapata asked.

“Odds are very good, yes,” Kelli said. “There doesn’t appear to be any infection, and we’re catching it in time. Most male tegus copulate with the penis on the right, so there’s a good chance he could still reproduce if you’d planned on doing that.”

“Good news, buddy,” Mac told the lizard, resting a hand on Kelli’s shoulder. He felt stupidly proud, which was ridiculous. He hadn’t done anything.

He looked at Zapata, who wore a bewildered expression completely unlike anything Mac had seen in his prior meetings with the man. The guy made multimillion dollar arms deals with terrorists and ordered hits on his enemies, but he seemed completely undone by the lizard crisis.

Zapata looked at him and nodded. “Thank you. Both of you. I don’t know what I would have done without you.” He shook Mac’s hand with ferocious warmth.

“It’s no problem,” Kelli called, her dress dragging in the water as she knelt to maneuver the lizard. “That’s a nice boy, Felix. Does that feel good?”

“Can I answer for him?” Mac offered.

“He looks happier already,” Zapata said. “Doesn’t he look happy?”

The lizard flicked his tongue as Kelli probed his underside, and Mac nodded. “Wouldn’t you?”

“Can I get anyone a glass of wine?” Griz called. “Perhaps a cocktail.”

“Cocktail,” Kelli replied dodging Felix’s tail as he thrashed it. “Maybe later.”

Felix thrashed his tail again, splashing sugar water down the front of Kelli’s dress. She didn’t move, but stroked his head to calm him. Mac moved into place beside Zapata, and they all stood watching Kelli and the lizard.

“Okay, big boy,” she cooed. “I just need to touch your beef bayonet again.”

“That is the medical term?” Zapata asked.

“Should this be turning me on?” Mac asked.

“Shhh!” Griz ordered. “Let her work.”

“Very nice,” Kelli murmured, ignoring them all. “The swelling is already going down.”

“This really shouldn’t be hot,” Mac murmured.

“Be strong, Felix,” Zapata coached.
“¡Fuerte!”

“Shhh!”

Kelli kept working, her expression serene and patient.

Zapata looked at Mac and shook his head in wonder. “Your bride—she is amazing. I had no idea.”

“She is amazing,” Mac replied, looking back at her.

And I had no idea, either
.

“I’m going to give him a few more minutes to soak,” Kelli said. “If you’re at all squeamish, you might not want to stick around for the next part. The suturing process isn’t pretty.”

Griselda paled at that and glanced at her husband. “Come. Let us check on dinner and find something for Ms. Landers to change into when she is finished.”

“Thank you, that would be lovely,” Kelli said. “Mac? Would you mind sticking around and giving me a hand?”

He stooped down beside her, barely noticing as he knelt in a puddle of water. “Fondling a lizard in a bathtub full of sugar water,” he murmured. “Not how I pictured this night going.”

Kelli grinned. “Your life with me is full of surprises.”

“Don’t I know it,” he replied, and braced himself to give a lizard a handjob.

Chapter Eight

By the time Kelli finished the final stitch and set aside her needle holders, she was soaked to the bone.

So is Mac,
she thought admiringly, glancing at the front of his trousers in appreciation. She turned and washed her hands at the sink as Felix flicked his tongue from the freshly dried bathtub Kelli had lined with clean, soft towels.

“We’ll want to keep him isolated there for a little while, but that went well,” she said. “He should be fine in a few days.”

“That was incredible,” Mac said.

“Aw, I’m sure you say that to all the girls who fix lizard penises.”

Mac laughed and lifted the pile of clothes Griselda had just handed him. “You sure you’re still up for dinner? They said we can postpone for another night.”

Kelli shook her head and began repacking her medical kit. “This is a business dinner, and you need to talk business.” She hesitated, not sure how much to say, since Mac had already warned her the bathroom was likely bugged. She settled for nodding at the pile of clothes. “As long as there’s something in there that’ll fit me, I say let’s do it now.”

“You’re a real trooper, you know that?”

She grinned, thinking that was one of the nicest things he’d ever said to her. After all these years of not being noticed by Mac, it felt odd to suddenly have him so aware of her.

“Will Felix be okay in here for now?” he asked.

“Yes, as long as we close the toilet lid and make sure there are no small spaces he can climb into. Tegus are very curious by nature, and they can hurt themselves wedging their bodies into too-tight spaces.”

“Judging from where you just put those stitches, Felix probably won’t be wedging himself into anyone’s tight spaces for a little while.”

Kelli laughed and closed up her kit. “Shall we see what sort of clothing our hosts provided?”

She turned and began pawing through the pile while Mac locked the bathroom door to offer some privacy. Griselda was a good six inches taller and three times bustier, so Kelli gave a dubious look at the pair of strapless cocktail dresses she’d brought. She didn’t doubt there was a touch of female passive-aggression at play.

“You saved my lizard, so let me repay you by making sure you look like a six-year-old playing dress-up in mommy’s gown,” Kelli muttered under her breath as she held up one of the dresses.

Mac held up a black gown. “That’s Griz for you. How about this one? It looks like it might fit.”

Kelli eyed the black garment and shrugged. “Sure, I’ll give it a shot.”

She started to reach for it, but Mac pulled it back. “You know, after all you’ve done here this evening, the least I can do is help you get dressed.”

Kelli rolled her eyes and reached for the dress. “Your control-freak tendencies are admirable, but I’m pretty sure I can dress myself.”

“I insist,” Mac said, tossing the dress behind him on the counter and reaching for her. He pulled her into his arms and spun her around, making it clear he had more in mind than helping with her clothing.

She shivered with pleasure as his fingers found the zipper at the back of her gown. He slid it down slowly, taking his time, tantalizing her. She gasped as his fingertips grazed her spine, tracing a soft line on her flesh as he drew the zipper down, down, down.

“So you decided to go braless,” he murmured, his voice low in her ear as he breathed against her neck. “Good choice.”

“Thank you.”

“Are these panties or gift wrap?”

“Are you mocking my butt-bow?”

“On the contrary, I’m admiring.”

The zipper hit the bottom and Kelli felt the fabric fall away and drop to the floor. He gripped her by the rib cage, turning her around to face him. She looked up into his eyes wearing only her thong and a smile. “Well then,” she said, licking her lips. “Admire away.”

Mac’s eyes were molten as he slid his palms to her ass and pulled her hard against his body. She went willingly, arching her back to press her breasts against his sodden shirt. She moaned and twined her hands behind his neck, pulling him closer, kissing him back as fiercely as she dared. His pants were damp from the bath, his muscles hot and hard beneath the fabric. His kiss grew more fierce with a possessiveness that left her panting.

Kelli slid her hands between their bodies, lingering over the muscles in his chest. Her fingers fumbled with one button, then the next and the next until his bare chest was pressed against hers.

She pushed the shirt over his shoulders, and reached for his belt. Mac drew back, breathless.

“God, I want you.”

She smiled and unhooked his belt. “The feeling’s mutual.”

He shoved the pants down over his hips and kicked them aside, his hands barely leaving her body. He kissed her again, and Kelli tasted sugar water and sweat. She’d never hungered for anything this much in her life.

His hands were on her ass, kneading, cupping, stroking. The only thing separating them now was the thin lace of her thong, and that was hardly protection. He was hard and throbbing against her, and she wanted him so badly she cried out.

“Please,” she gasped.

He smiled down at her, not bothering to ask what she wanted. He clasped his hands around her hips and boosted her onto the counter. Then he hooked his thumbs under the waist of her panties and drew them down, baring her completely.

She reached for him, needing to feel him inside her that instant, but Mac drew back.

“Not yet,” he murmured. “I want to taste you.”

Before she could say a word, Mac dropped to his knees on the tile floor. With one hand on each of her thighs, he pushed them apart. Kelli gasped and gripped the handle of the sink handle for balance. He moved between her legs, his tongue probing gently at first. He made slow, deliberate circles, his mouth warm and wet as his fingers dug hard into her thighs.

Everything was a rush of sensation and liquid warmth as he teased and tasted, sliding up and down, dipping his tongue into her before drawing back to circle again and again. He released one thigh and moved his hand up. Gently, he slid one finger into her. Kelli cried out and gripped this sink handle, spurting her backside with a gush of tap water.

Mac laughed and licked into her. “You’re already plenty wet.”

Kelli groaned and tried to remember how to turn off a faucet as she concentrated on the feel of his tongue surrounding her, his fingers moving deep inside her. He slid in and out, his tongue working in soft rhythm as he thrust deeply into her, a solid counterpoint to the softness of his mouth.

She felt something building inside her and released the sink to twine her fingers into his hair.

“Mac,” she panted.

She only had breath for that one syllable before the first wave of pleasure crashed into her, rocking her back against the mirror as her heels smacked the cupboard. She cried out, turning her face into her arm and biting down to muffle her own screams as her body clenched around him. His mouth was everywhere at once, licking, tasting, stroking as his fingers moved. She arched up, pressing into the sensation as her back slid against the mirror and her body surged again and again and again.

She couldn’t remember closing her eyes, but she opened them as the last wave of pleasure ebbed. Mac was standing now, his face glowing and tense with need. Before she could gather herself, he was reaching into his wallet for a condom.

He looked into her eyes, a brief invitation to refuse if she wished. She reached for him instead.

“Please,” she gasped again, sliding the condom the rest of the way on. Mac grabbed her roughly, catching her hips in his hands as he drew her back to the edge of the counter.

He moved slowly at first, easing himself inside her, giving her a chance to adjust. She groaned and clenched her legs around him, digging her heels into his low back to urge him on. She tilted her head back and he claimed her mouth, kissing her hard and deep. He plunged into her again, harder this time, and Kelli buried her face in the crook of her arm to keep from crying out.

His hands were hot and rough on her hips, holding her steady to meet his thrusts. He let go of her with one hand and slid his fingers between them, the pad of his thumb gliding softly over her most sensitive spot. Kelli cried out, dizzy with sensation. His thrusts were hard, but this soft, new pressure was delicate, precise. He caressed, probed, teased, until she felt herself break again.

She screamed, biting down on his shoulder to muffle the sound as Mac drove into her, his own voice rasping with pleasure as she felt him pulse inside her. The rhythm of his thrusts matched the force of her own body’s spasms, and she rocked against him, breathless and dizzy and liquid with sensation as they crashed together.

As her dizziness subsided, she was aware of Mac gazing down at her. She looked up to see the smile in his eyes.

“Well now,” he said, drawing his hand from between their bodies to stroke softly over the bite mark on her biceps. “We did an admirable job showing Felix how that’s done.”

“And with only one penis.”

Mac grinned. “You complaining?”

“Definitely not,” she gasped, planting a kiss on his shoulder. “Not in a million years.”

…

Dinner was surprisingly uneventful.

Or maybe it was everything that happened before dinner that made it all seem uneventful, Mac mused as they headed home just after ten.

The only moment of drama had come when Griselda caught sight of the self-inflicted bite-mark on Kelli’s upper arm.

“Oh, I’m so terribly sorry,” Griz gasped. “Felix—he does not know what he does when he is excited.”

Flummoxed, Kelli had knocked over her glass of red wine, effectively cutting off that line of questioning. Mac had done his best not to smirk at her as the maid rushed to clean it up.

“You’ve been spilling a lot of drinks lately,” he said, giving her a wry smile. “Should I be concerned about a drinking problem?”

“Oh, I have a problem, all right,” she’d said, kicking him under the table.

Now they were back in the car with the balmy evening breeze brushing over their skin. Mac had switched off the air-conditioning, savoring the wind in Kelli’s hair and the scent of her perfume in the air.

“So you think we fooled them?” she asked, using her fingers to hold her hair at the nape of her neck.

Mac caught sight of the bite mark on her arm and smiled. “You mean did we convince them we can’t keep our hands off each other? Pretty sure we nailed it.”

“So to speak.”

Mac laughed. “When you went to the powder room, Zapata asked if you were feeling okay.”

“What?”

“‘Your lady,’” Mac mimicked, a spot-on impression of Zapata, if he did say so himself. “‘She is not well? I hear her groaning before dinner, and now she look—how you say? Flushed.’”

“Ugh.” Kelli closed her eyes and leaned back against the seat, releasing her hair to flutter around her face again. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. And don’t worry—I assured Zapata you just had a raging stomach virus.”

She snorted. “Are you always this romantic, or are you saving it just for me?”

“Just for you,” Mac said, struck by how true that was. Had he ever felt so comfortable around a woman, so at ease with goofball humor and easy conversation?

“Well, I hope it helped,” Kelli said. “When will you know more about the deal?”

“Soon,” Mac said, adjusting the rearview mirror. He caught sight of a dark sedan behind him, moving slowly through the darkness with its high beams slicing through the night. How long had it been back there?

“Griselda seemed nice.”

Mac turned his attention back to Kelli. “Griselda seemed much more reserved than normal.”

“How do you mean?”

“Normally, she’d have been trying to slip her hand down the front of my pants whenever her husband left the room. Instead, she sat on the opposite side of the table and never made eye contact.”

“So sorry you were deprived.”

Mac grunted and checked the mirror again, noticing the dark sedan getting closer. He slowed, waiting to see if the driver would pass or stay on his tail.

“Trust me, Kel—the last thing I’m feeling is deprived.”

She was quiet a moment, and Mac tore his eyes off the other car long enough to glance at her. “You okay?”

“Me?” she asked. “Absolutely. Tonight was—well, incredible.”

“If you’re easily romanced by sex in a terrorist’s bathroom in the company of his injured lizard, I’d have to agree.”

She gave a laugh that seemed a little uneasy and looked out the window. “I’ve never been one for romance. A quickie on the bathroom counter is much more my style.”

Mac wasn’t sure whether to feel proud or insulted, so he settled for squeezing her knee. Kelli smiled and curled her bare feet beneath her on the seat, looking small and delicate and sweet again. How the hell did she do that?

Tearing his eyes off her, Mac looked in the mirror again, dismayed to see the other car wasn’t passing. He dropped his speed, feeling edgy as they approached his house. Had someone followed him here? It wasn’t one of the Town Cars, so it couldn’t be Hank keeping tabs on them.

The roads leading to his neighborhood were quiet, dotted with second homes and quiet residences that didn’t see much action at this hour. Who the hell was following them?

“Mac?”

He turned and saw a pair of tension creases between her brows.

“Is something wrong?” she asked.

Mac slid a hand to the gun holstered at his side. He was just a few hundred feet from the house now. Should he continue past and see if the car followed, or risk leading someone straight to his house?

“The house is well guarded,” he said, as much for his own sake as for Kelli’s. “Someone’s on our tail.”

“Oh.” She glanced behind them, her worried expression deepening. “We’re being followed?”

“It looks that way. Duck down, Kel. Keep your head below the dash.”

She obeyed, and Mac made the turn into his driveway. He hit a button on the dash that controlled the intercom to the house. “Guys, we have visitors,” Mac said. “Full alert.”

He watched as the car turned into the driveway behind him. A dark sedan with tinted windows masking the identity of the person inside. Mac swallowed hard and pulled the parking brake, his hand steady as he reached for the pistol.