Authors: Angela Richardson
“Ms. Weston?” a very deep Italian man’s voice asked.
Italian man?
“No. This is not Ms. Weston,” I responded.
“Can I speak with her right now?” The thick Italian tone was heavy with impatience.
“Sure. I’ll put her on. Uh…who can I say is calling?” I asked slowly. For some reason his voice made me want to cower in a corner. Something instinctively told me that he was not linked to the Lappell.
“Tell her...it’s Joe.”
{19}
JAMES
It was a fucking circus.
No literally. My initiation test was being held in a circus tent. That was my destination. It was where the directions on the paper Byron had given me had taken my motorbike out in the middle of nowhere outside of town. So many childish ideas entered my mind when I saw the illuminated tent. My first thought was that I’d be performing on the trapeze, most likely without a net. Or perhaps I was about to try my hand at being a lion tamer. I even entertained the idea of being shot out of a cannon through a ring of fire. The exaggerated possibilities were endless. It was surely going to be something that would take me out of my comfort zone. And there was no doubt that it would be dangerous. Just look at what they did to Seth for losing a preliminary race, and what they tried to do to Anais and her virginity. Pain and humiliation, it seemed, was their trademark for someone proving themselves. Or perhaps it was for their own amusement. Whatever it was, I was confident it would hurt.
Anais told me she would meet me at the initiation location. She had dodged my calls about coming with me tonight, and when she did finally text, she insisted on meeting me here at the location instead. I know she was scared and blamed herself for putting me in this position. But I had to keep myself mentally prepared for tonight. I couldn’t let her talk me out of this. I knew that was what she planned to do.
When I arrived I saw Anais idling outside the entrance to the tent entryway. She looked liked she was pacing back and forth and mouthing something to herself. Byron and his people must have already been inside. There was no one else in sight except her pretty frame glowing from the light inside the tent.
I could see the worry in Anais’ face as I walked closer. Her paisley floral dress swaying to and fro in the nighttime air. I had expected her to make a last ditch effort to change my mind. Stop me from doing this for her. Try another attempt at sacrificing our relationship for the sake of my safety. She’d been trying to steer me away since the moment we met, yet it was never enough to scare me, deter me, frighten me or seem like too much. A month ago I never imagined that I’d ever consider joining a secret society, and now here I was, agreeing to go through with this for both Anais’ safety and our love. I couldn’t think of a better way to feed my so-called hero complex. There wasn’t anything she could say or do that would change my mind.
“James...” Anais ran up to me. I kissed her first before she could lead into a prepared speech. I needed that connection of our bodies before I could tell her that there wasn’t a way she could change my decision. She kissed me back hard, and for a second, reality drifted away from the situation. I found my mind thinking back to my workroom, and on my motorbike, or at one of the many places we found ourselves around campus, just losing ourselves in each other and our kisses. But when we broke away from this kiss, her worried expression was instantly back on her face. And so was the Lappell’s circus. A reality that reminded me that the only true escape is in your dreams.
“Anais, I’ll be fine,” I said reassuringly.
Her eyes fluttered before she tried to talk. “James, you can’t do this. I think there is more to why they want you to join. I don’t think this is just about me anymore. You have to leave here.”
I scoffed at such a preposterous notion. “What are you talking about Anais? Are you scared they’re going to find out my deepest darkest secrets? I’m sorry to disappoint you, but they won’t find anything up here they can use against us.” I pointed to my head. “There’s nothing to worry about. It’s going to be fine.”
Her eyes started to well. A tear escaping her eye and sliding down her cheek. “I just think there’s a motive to this. I mean there has to be.” She wiped away her tear, like it was interfering with what she had to say. “James, you’re only scratching the surface of what’s going on. There are things at play you can’t even imagine. Secrets you don’t know. Secrets that will change your whole world forever.”
I cupped her cheek. “Anais — I love you, but you’ve crossed over to the land of imagination. I understand why you are saying all this...and I know you’re trying to scare me and stop me by filling my whole head with your paranoia, but you’re wrong. There is nothing hiding in my closet. No skeletons. No fears. Nothing. This is about their control of me and you. That’s all.”
She grabbed hard to my shoulders and began to shake. “James...you need to listen to me!”
Her aggression took me by complete surprise. “Okay,” I said slowly. “I’m listening. What is it?”
“James I know...” She stalled, and tugged at my shirt. “I...know...” She whispered and stalled again. Her head hung, unable to look me in the eyes.
I lifted her chin. “What do you know Anais?”
She twisted the material up in her fingers, her face looking conflicted. “That you’re...” She bit her lip holding it in. “That you’re...” She sighed.
“That you’re the love of my life.”
I drew her into my embrace and kissed her forehead. I knew exactly how she was feeling and why she was doing this. She was a mess of emotions. Twisted up inside with worry and fear and self-loathing because of what I was doing. “Anais,” I whispered. “I know what I’m doing and why I’m doing it. I’m not doing this just because I want to protect you. I’m doing this because there’s a part of me that will feel as if I’m incomplete if I don’t. And that feeling of incompleteness, like I’m missing something...is because of you. It’s the only truth that feels more alive than ever. It runs through my heart the more I’m with you in this world. And I know it’s because we’re meant to be. And if I must join the Lappell to be with you, so be it.”
“Is that what you really think you’re missing? Do you really think
I’m
the missing piece to your puzzle?” Anais shuddered and shook her head some more, still fighting with her fear.
“Anais, I’m not a mystery to be figured out. And you’re not a piece to my puzzle. What you are is the person who brings out the best in me, compliments me, and makes me feel that no matter where I go in this world, as long as you’re with me, it will always feel right.”
Anais continued to shake her head still not convinced. “You just don’t understand. This world sits in people’s veins. It’s not just a secret society. It’s a history of people who’ve done things that have changed the lives of others. Lies and secrets that have altered pasts and changed futures. It will find you when you hide, and it will haunt you in ways you’ll never be prepared for. I just don’t want to let this world put out your light. You’re one of the few who manage to shine all on your own. You have a chance to run far, far away from all this. And you should James. Run, and never look back. You’re better than all of this. You’re better than all of us.”
“Anais...don’t...”
She tried to speak again, but I crushed my lips over hers. Fast and urgent and with a request that she’d quiet the insecurity she couldn’t keep at bay. I just needed her here beside me. Supporting me. Encouraging me. Making sure I didn’t give up. Pushing me not to fail. Yes, failure was not an option. But I knew I wouldn’t allow myself to fail. Not when our love and our future was on the line.
“Come on,” I said, taking her hand and leading her inside. Her heels dug in a bit as I tried to walk, but then I looked at her like I did when we first met. Now it was me asking her for help with frail emotions and vulnerable eyes. After a few seconds, her legs gave in and followed me inside. She was giving me the help I now needed. I couldn’t do it without her.
My childish circus theories were dashed the moment we walked in. There were no lions, no high wires, and no cannon. Just a big spotlight in the center of the ring and hooded figures sitting in a dim circle all around the middle. I had to admit, the little boy inside me was slightly disappointed. The circus tent was all for show even though Byron did look he was dressed like a ring master.
Byron was standing in the middle of the spotlight next to a table. He was holding a microphone watching us walk in. “Ah, here is our investment now,” he announced. “Right on time.”
Anais let go of my hand and went and sat down in an empty seat in the front row. Her knees were bouncing up and down nervously as she watched on. I went and stood next to Byron to await the next act.
Byron faced the crowd once more, launching into a speech. “Long gone are the days of riddles and treasure hunts. We’d like to think we’ve learned from the childish games of our elders. Today, we have much more sophisticated initiation processes. For our chapter it’s simple. But it’s up to you to decide whether you want to say yay or nay. The choice is yours James Riley.”
They really went the whole nine yards when it came to the drama. I pulled Byron’s arm so he moved closer. I didn’t want to have to yell when I leaned in to speak. “I’m sure this is very entertaining to you, but I’d really like to move things along. I’m not one for theatrics. Or dramatic build-up. So what is it then? I don’t see a tight rope, lion or cannon. What do you want me to do?”
Byron shifted out of my hold and spoke into the microphone again, back to the crowd whose faces I couldn’t see. I think that was the purpose of the spotlight. They could see me but I couldn’t see them.
“What we have for you James Riley is a...
flashback
,” Byron announced with gusto.
The crowd started making that low murmuring sound. I rolled my eyes. I just wanted to get on with it. I leaned in towards Byron once more. “Is this like one of those TV shows where you reunite me with someone from my past?...Cause I gotta say, there’s no one you can bring out that’s going to get me to unravel Byron.”
“I like the way you think James, but no. A flashback is not what you’re thinking. It’s this.” Byron handed me a small white box with gold penned leaf drawings covering it. I opened the box and saw a little black pill.
“Drugs,” I said aloud, staring at the perfectly round black pearl. My head flicked up to Byron and I shook it in disbelief. “You want me to take drugs? Are you fucking serious? I mean that’s a bit juvenile, don’t you think? Especially for a powerful secret society.” I picked it up and held it in my hand examining it closer. “I didn’t even think drugs were cool anymore,” I said, again shaking my head.
“Well James, you see...this drug you’re holding in your hand is very special. There is no other drug like it in the whole world. It was developed in one of our labs by some very smart people who are loyal and committed to their membership with us.”
Now we were getting to the bones of all this. “What does it do?” I said examining it further.
“It gives us a flashback into your life. Actually, it can unlock the door to your deepest darkest memory and tell us the worst thing you’ve ever done. It will give us a true insight into whether or not you’re really Lappell material. It will expose any hidden secrets. We’ll hear everything you say.”
“What? That’s all? Am I supposed to be scared right now?” I laughed at Byron.
This was going to be a piece of cake.
“You’d be surprised what secrets the mind keeps...even from yourself. Bad memories have a way of staying buried until you least expect it,” Byron said like he was speaking from experience. Something I mentally took note of.
I thought long and hard about my worst memory I had. Most just consisted of childhood drama, like Timmy Connor, the seventh grade bully who punched me in the boys’ locker room when I was eight years old. He was twice my size and had given me a shiner. Or the day my sister and I were climbing trees in Denmark and I watched her fall down and break her arm. I had never seen her in so much pain. But these were memories that weren’t hidden. There wasn’t anything dark and sinister locked away. No demons I had to fight. No real pain to overcome. I knew their search would come up empty. A safe assumption which assured me that I could then move on the final stage of initiation so I could be with Anais. It was all that mattered in my heart.
“So what do you say James? Are you going to take the pill? Or is your darkest memory too hard to bring to the surface? Because I have to warn you...once you unlock any closed doors in your mind, you can’t close them again.”
I had nothing to worry about. Not. One. Thing. I raised my hand, tossed the pill into the air, and caught it with my mouth. All the while eyeing Anais as it slid down my throat. She just buried her head into her palms, like she had just witnessed my demise. My sweet Anais and her constant fears. It was just a matter of time until this silly night would be behind us.
After about ten minutes of standing there in the ring with Byron waiting for something to happen, I felt it. My knees buckled first. Then I felt my arms go limp. My heart was beating so fast I thought it was going to explode right there in front of all those dark faces. Then I felt my face hit the ground. And then...
BLACK.
I heard something moving in my room. A loud thump in the dark. I didn’t like sounds that went bump in the night. It made me and my teddy, Mr. Bear very scared. I crawled out of my bed. I tiptoed out of my room and to Mommy and Daddy’s room. They were still awake. Their lights were still on and I could see them through the crack of their bedroom door. I dropped Mr. Bear at my feet. I gave out a tiny yelp knowing Mr. Bear didn’t like to be dropped. I picked him up and held him tight, wondering if I should disturb Mommy and Daddy. I didn’t want them to think I wasn’t a brave boy and was frightened. I stood at their door watching them. Mr. Bear was whispering in my ear, telling me to go in. But I told Mr. Bear to be quiet. I wanted to listen to Mom and Dad. Mommy looked upset and I wanted to know what was wrong.