Fierce Pajamas: An Anthology of Humor Writing from The New Yorker (55 page)

AN UNUSUAL LUNCH

This kind of lunch is possible when the green-skinned tomatillo is in season. Luckily the green-skinned tomatillo is always in season in the canned version put out by Herdez, which also includes chilis. Take a can of Gebhardt Tamales and place in a small ovengoing vessel. Layer with chopped onion. Add one can Herdez Salsa Verde Tomatillos. Cover with Kraft Shredded Sharp Cheddar, which is available in a resealable plastic bag for about $2.09 for 10 oz. Use about one-third of the bag to top the dish, spreading the cheese smoothly around with your hand. Bake in 425-degree oven for fifteen minutes. In the more developed parts of the country there will be locally produced tamales (usually differentiated as to “Hot” or “Mild”) made by gifted indigenous personnel and these can be substituted for the Gebhardt variety. Renown and Ro*Tel brands of tomatoes and chilis can also be used; both are excellent, although not green. This lunch has a strong Mexican flavor due to the use of ingredients associated with Mexico; although it is not in any sense authentic, it is unusual.

SUPERB DINNER FOR SIXTY

You probably did not know that a superb dinner for sixty could be made out of canned goods, but that is true. Begin with five Smok-A-Roma Fully Cooked Boneless Hams. Remove hams from wrappers and cut in chunks, each chunk roughly the size of a Bic cigarette lighter. Set aside. Next take thirty 15-oz. cans of Trappey’s Black Eye Peas Flavored with Slab Bacon, open, and set aside. Next brown thirty pounds of Oscar Mayer Little Smokies, which are very good bite-sized smoked sausages. Tearing open the packages is tiresome but you can usually get children to do this for you. In the same fat, make a roux by stirring in ten pounds of Gold Medal All-Purpose Flour. This gives you approximately twelve pounds of roux (flour plus oil). Set aside.

Next, into some gallons of water in huge immense pots on four six-burner stoves pour any number of cans of Progresso Peeled Tomatoes Italian Style with Basil (Pomidoro Pelati Tipo Italiano con Basilico). If you use the larger cans you have fewer cans to open. Add forty-eight cloves of chopped Elephant Garlic, which is sold in little net bags from Frieda of California and has a subtle explosiveness that is piquant.

By now you will be slightly confused as you look around you at the mighty forces you have mustered but everything is easier than it looks. You must understand that we don’t like to get this involved either but maybe it’s your daughter’s wedding or something and you have the choice of giving the whole problem over to some unreliable caterer who’ll just supply some pink froufrou on lettuce leaves at a horrible price per head or doing it yourself with your accustomed élan and good will. Place a half pound of the roux into each pot and paddle it around in there until the liquid has achieved a rich dark-brown color, then add the ham, sausages, and Black Eye Peas. Simmer for some time; you are doing just fine.

Pork is the motif which has up to now dominated the mix, and the pork has to have a contrasting flavor. The only thing to do is to slug in five Maple Leaf Farms Frozen Ducklings. Defrost and cut up ducks, brown quickly in Lou Ana 100% Pure and Natural Peanut Oil, home office, Opelousas, La., place in pots and let simmer for one hour. Salt (Morton), pepper (Lawry’s), and parsley your twenty-four pots all to hell, and you are ready to serve. About twenty pounds of sliced onions would be a good addition, although they probably should have gone in earlier. If you want to know something to call this superb meal you could probably call it a burgoo. (I would like to acknowledge input for this recipe from the Arkansas Department of Corrections, Food Services Division.)

For other excellent recipes involving American canned goods, my 64-page leaflet is available upon request. But I am not trying to sell the leaflet, only to stress an appropriate respect and love for the American canned good, which is not, and never will be, Japanese.

1987

BRUCE M
C
CALL

READ THIS FIRST

C
ONGRATULATIONS,
but
WARNING:
Driving your new car may cause car sickness.
NOTE:
While using this manual, make sure your reading area is well ventilated and free of Ebola viruses. To avoid eyestrain, use both eyes.
CAUTION:
Do not attempt to read the manual backward or underwater. If you are underwater, unlock all doors (A) and the glove box (B), using square-headed key (F).

Open doors may cause aerodynamic drag. To close door, swing door (A) toward the car body (B), using the handle (C), until the latch (D) engages. Do
NOT
attempt to force beyond this point. This could tip the car over on its side and interfere with a smooth, safe journey.

WARNING:
You are a flammable substance. Always check before shifting out of P that you are not on fire. If your skin is blistering and you detect a barbecue-like aroma, you are on fire. A burning driver can cause serious damage to the car’s upholstery. Repairs should be made only by an authorized dealer, using genuine original replacement parts. Failure to do so can void your warranty.

Your turn signal is a precision driving instrument. Do not attempt to use the left or right signal’s one-two beat as a metronome during in-car sing-alongs. This can induce hypnotic trances and loss of control, with possible damage to the car’s paint finish.
WARNING:
Locust plagues cause only superficial paint damage. Never attempt to erase blemishes with a rat-tail file. Use only recommended locust plague removers. See your authorized dealer’s wide selection.

If you hear a steady humming noise during driving, do
NOT
attempt to dismantle your car while it is running. This can lead to loss of windshield-washer fluid. Check your radio or other occupants for humming sounds. If humming noise persists, drive until the fuel gauge reads “Empty,” at which point humming should stop.
WARNING:
When refilling fuel tank, uncap slowly, as shown in diagrams 1–2–3–4–5–6, on a well-ventilated prairie. Never uncap fuel filler port in close proximity to a Chinese New Year celebration.

WARNING:
The driver’s sun visor (A) can create visual “blind spots” that cause fatal head-on collisions. If you are about to have a fatal head-on collision, leave current registration and insurance documents in the glove box (B).
SAFETY NOTE:
Never leave valuables in an unlocked glove box. The same key (C) that unlocks your trunk (D) unlocks your glove box and the right-rear passenger door. The Valet Key (E) unlocks the driver’s-side door only when
ALL
other doors, the fuel filler port, and the trunk are locked. The ignition key (F) also unlocks all doors, the fuel filler port (G), and the trunk (H). Never give the ignition key to a stranger (I). If all keys are used simultaneously, the Gard-a-Larm (J) will sound until the Valet Key is inserted in the trunk lock (K) and turned counterclockwise, as in diagrams 9–10. Turn clockwise to rearm.

WARNING:
Your car’s “package” or “hat” shelf (A) is not a shelf. Packages and hats should
NEVER
be placed there. For package-shelf instructions, consult the Package Shelf or Emergency sections of this manual or make an appointment with the service manager at your authorized dealer.

WARNING:
Attempting to drive your car with a pedestrian underneath can cause uneven tire wear, front-end misalignment, binding of the steering gear, and damage to the catalytic converter in your exhaust system, creating an environmental threat that may increase the danger of global warming. Never leave your car’s engine running in the Amazon rain forest.
MAINTENANCE TIP:
If Amazon damages seat upholstery, wipe clean with a sponge or cloth soaked in tepid water.
WARNING:
Use only genuine, factory-direct tepid water. See your authorized dealer.

While your car has been carefully engineered for years of enjoyable motoring, high-speed driving maneuvers during a heart attack, stroke, or machine-gun fusillade should be attempted only by trained professionals on a specially prepared closed course. If you are about to be incapacitated by events beyond your control, keep both hands on the wheel, turn the radio, tape deck, or CD player to
OFF,
deactivate Cruise Control, reduce speed, activate your turn signal, drive onto a level area away from traffic, bring your car to a gradual stop, stow all beverages and return cup holders to the stored position, put the parking brake in the
ON
position, shift to P, turn the ignition to
OFF,
unlock all doors, switch your emergency flasher to
ON,
and consult the Emergency section of this manual.
IMPORTANT:
Do
NOT
unbuckle your seat belt. It is the most critical element of your car’s Supplemental Restraint System and has been shown to save lives in certain instances. Remember: Give your loved ones a good belt!

1997

NANCY FRANKLIN

TAKE IT FROM ME

W
HILE
the rest of you loudly and meaninglessly celebrate the New Year—I’m not judging, I’m just making an observation—I prefer to reflect quietly on the lessons I’ve learned or partially absorbed or once thought I heard someone talking about as I was going down the street trying to get to the hardware store before it closed. Though we all know that the words we shout into the wind are like footprints in the sand, that does not stop us from going to the beach, even during peak burning hours; and though our chances of making a lasting impression on the world are like the chances of finding enough snow to make a snowball on a hot day, that does not prevent us from sometimes feeling chilly even when we are wearing a sweater. In this spirit, whatever it is, I would like to share some of the accumulated wisdom of my years, which, like the result of the woolgatherer’s efforts, has become a big ball of wool. It may be too late for me—I’m not saying it is and I’m not saying it isn’t—but if I can help just one person, even if it’s someone I really don’t like or am not speaking to or have sued, then I will not have lived in vain. Now let’s move on—I have to be somewhere in a half hour.

So what are we talking about here? Practical stuff. For example, don’t wait until you’re forty to have nude pictures taken of yourself. If you plan to be famous, or even if you don’t, make sure you get this out of the way while you’re in your late teens or, at the very latest, early twenties. They’ll keep! All you have to do is stay in touch with the photographer to make sure he has stored them properly and is ready to distribute them at a moment’s notice. One phone call a year
—Hi. How ya doin’? Just wanted to make sure you still have the pictures. O.K. Great, yeah, I’ll do that. O.K., you too. Right. Buh-bye.
How hard is that? I waited until my face had “character” to have my pictures done. What was I thinking? Answer: I wasn’t thinking.

It’s an open secret that it is now fashionable to laugh at the idea of having fifteen minutes of fame. People! I, too, used to think, Oh, that doesn’t apply to me, I’ll be famous whenever I want to—the first two weeks of April, every August, after Mom moves into the home. I don’t have to watch the clock, let the clock watch
me.
Well, I was caught napping, literally, and I found out too late that my fifteen minutes had come during an intense
REM
cycle while I was dreaming about— No, forget it, it doesn’t matter what I was dreaming about. This isn’t about me.

I’m not saying that I have all the answers—if I did I’d be laughing all the way to the bank instead of all the way in the opposite direction from the bank, until it becomes a tiny dot on the horizon and then disappears entirely. My whole point is: Do you want to miss your ice time, foul out before the game has begun, do an end run around yourself, be caught looking when the high heater comes over the fat part of the plate, just so you’ll have an “interesting” dream about going into a tunnel to tell your shrink the next day? Maybe you do. But I don’t think so. And, by the way, when they say fifteen minutes they mean fifteen minutes. It’s the old story: “Sorry, we can’t help you. If we made an exception for you, blah, blah, blah.”

Look, I know this is all pretty obvious, and having to spell it out is almost as embarrassing for me as, in a completely unrelated way, it would be for you to tell your boss that you hate his guts, that you could run the company better than he can, that he can’t fire you because you quit, and thanks for nothing, you jerk, you can go to hell. But you know you owe it to your boss to be honest with him, even if it’s a wee bit painful—that’s why he hired you. In the same way, I owe it to myself to be honest, at some point, with someone. It doesn’t matter who—you let me worry about that.

What I have to say is simple. But that doesn’t make it any less true. If anything, it makes it more true. It’s simple—unless
you
make it complicated. If I’ve done my job here today, you will have achieved that heightened state of receptivity that lies midway between not paying much attention and not paying any attention. Or maybe you just think I’m a big phony. So be it. It’s O.K. to have that feeling. But, right or wrong—they boil down to the same thing at the end of the day, if not by lunchtime, although of course it depends when you turned the flame on—I would rather not “know” about it, so if you have any brains you won’t “tell” me about it. Not that brains are everything—you’ll also need a skull to put them in. And, much as I’d like to help you out with that, I can’t live your life for you. That much I do know. But that’s neither here nor there.

1997

STEVE MARTIN

CHANGES IN THE MEMORY AFTER FIFTY

B
ORED?
Here’s a way the over-fifty set can easily kill a good half hour: