Fight for Love (15 page)

Damn stubborn girl. Dave wouldn’t hesitate to embarrass, or worse, hit her to get her out of the way. He wasn’t known for losing control in public, but I couldn’t let this be the first time that happened. Not to Chelsea. Not when she wanted to help me, even now as I stood on the brink of losing control.
 

With a hand on my shoulder she tugged me down so her mouth was next to mine. She whispered in my ear. That alone would have been distracting enough, but her words broke through the foggy haze encroaching on my vision better than any other tactic I’d tried. “He’s not worth it,” she whispered. “You’re worth it. Don’t mess up your chances to make your future what you want because he’s a dick.”
 

That did the trick. My fists unclenched, the pounding in my head stopped, and my lungs filled with air at a slower, more normal pace. I approached my car almost under control.
 

“What brings you here?” I asked.
 

He pointed at my chest. “You. Where’ve you been the last month?”

“None of your goddamn business. I’m not bothering you or using your money. Why would you give a flying fuck where I’m at? You miss having someone to beat the shit out of on a daily basis? Or did you just turn to Mom? Lemme guess. You came by to tell me that she’s in the hospital ‘cuz she fell down the stairs.” So much for control.

“You best watch that mouth. Don’t think just because we are in a public place I won’t show you what it means to disrespect me.”

“Oh, how could I forget that? You remind me All. The. Fucking. Time. Does Mom know you’re here?”

He stepped closer to me. “No and you’d be smart to keep it that way. To answer your question, no I’m not here to tell you she’s in the hospital. I haven’t laid a hand on your momma. It is kind of lonely not having a sparring partner though. Guess I’ll just have to make up for the lost training time when you get back.”

“And if I don’t come back?” I stepped closer. We were nose to nose.
 

“Considering that’s not an option you have, it doesn’t matter.”

“What do you mean it’s not an option I have? I’m legally an adult in the great state of Texas. I don’t need your money or your help. Pretty sure that means I don’t have to come back to the hellhole you call home.” I sidestepped Dave and climbed in my car. Before he had a chance to react, I cranked the key and backed out of the parking spot. I laughed ‘til my gut hurt at the sight of him landing on his ass in the middle of the school parking lot; served the bastard right for trying to cause a scene.
 

The humor in watching Dave didn’t diminish the anger I still felt after seeing him and having to talk to him. I slammed on the brakes and threw the car into park. My appointment with Dr. Greenberg wasn’t for another half hour, but if I sat in the waiting room I had little doubt in my mind I’d end up causing a scene as soon as someone said something to me, good or bad.
 

On the way to the office I tried all the things Dr. Greenberg suggested without success. My hands clenched the wheel and left indentions in the plastic. I rolled the windows down to try and get air, but my lungs felt like they had a lead weight secured on top of them.
 

Stacey lifted her head when I walked through the door and opened her mouth to say something, but I didn’t stop. Instead I held up my shaking hand in a stop motion and increased my speed so when I passed her I almost ran. Behind me I heard the headset she always wore fall to the ground and her voice calling for me, “Luke, wait a minute. Dr. Greenberg has a patient.”

“Don’t care.”
 

She caught my arm just before I barged into Dr. Greenberg’s office. “Stop. You can’t go in there and you know it. What the hell is wrong with you?”

I yanked her hand off my arm. “Do. Not. Touch. Me. I need to see her now. If I wait, shit. There has to be somewhere to go. I can’t do this. I can’t fucking do this.”
 

Since I couldn’t see Dr. Greenberg and I couldn’t wait around, a second from losing the last bit of control I hung onto, I pushed past Stacey and retreated the way I came. Outside I paced in front of the entrance to the office. The lingering summer heat radiated through my black t-shirt and sweat dripped down my spine. Without thinking I turned to face the brick wall and slammed my fist into it, hard. The only thing I wanted to do was hit something. Anything. So I did, again and again. I know people gawked as they passed. I’m sure thoughts of “that guy’s crazy” or “someone ought to stop him” ran through their minds. But no one stopped; no one came to make sure I was okay. Chins hit the ground at my display, but no one said a word. Not once did Stacey come outside to check on me, and she said she cared and wanted to help me.
 

Tears streaked down my cheeks, in physical pain rather than emotional hurt. My already ragged breathing turned shallow. I looked at my torn, bloodied knuckles and yelled at the sky. Dave was the problem. It was always him. He’s the one that provoked me. Anytime I thought about him, saw him, talked to him. This was how I reacted. If it weren’t for him we wouldn’t have left Florida. I wouldn’t have had to leave everything I knew behind. Music would have been my dream, not getting out of the damn town. Nothing would’ve changed. Mom wouldn’t have to worry about covering up her black eyes in the morning. I wouldn’t have to worry about learning how to fight to keep from getting the shit beat out of me day after day.
 

I hated Dave. Hated him with everything I had. Not that I knew what to do with that hate, other than hit stuff. Hitting worked, but only short-term. That’s why I was here to see Dr. Greenberg. She said a while ago he was the trigger, but we only talked about ways to control my rages. Not what it really meant for me to react to him or his actions that way. Wasn’t that what we should’ve been talking about?
 

Her questions pointed me in the direction of talking about emotions, but I’m the one that kept shying away from it. Maybe it was time for me to come clean and open up. I remembered the promise I made to share everything. Dr. Greenberg assured me that she would do everything in her power to help, but I had to quit holding back. Looked like today was that day.
 

The tears dried up and I pushed myself off the sidewalk. Stacey stood in front of me with her arms folded across her chest. The scowl on her face was a clear indication of what to expect her to say. She didn’t disappoint.
 

“Is there a particular reason you decided to use the brick wall as your punching bag for the last fifteen minutes?”

I shrugged my shoulders. “Huh. Didn’t realize it’s only been fifteen minutes. Felt like a lot longer.”

Stacey dropped her arms and let out a long sigh. “Luke, come on. Talk to me.”

“Not now. Not here. I’m here to see Dr. Greenberg. Is she available yet?”

“Why not?” Her eyes glistened.

My knuckles throbbed. “I thought we talked about this last night. I’m not going to risk your job, and I’m not in the mood to be secretive. I just want to talk to Dr. Greenberg. Is she available?”

“Damn it, how am I supposed to help you if you won’t talk to me?”

“You want to know how to help me? If you cared, really cared you would have been out here fifteen minutes ago. I hate myself right now, I’m so fucking pissed off at Dave the only thing I can think of doing is hitting something. I’m crying like a baby. And where were you? One of the few people I thought cared about me. You weren’t here.” I buried my head in my hands to hide the sea of tears I couldn’t hold back.

“Luke what happened? When did you see Dave?” She wrapped her arm around me. The warmth from her caress felt good, but I needed more.

“This afternoon, at school. I tell you what. After you get off work, meet me back at the apartment and we’ll go out.” I didn’t want to tell her everything yet. Going out to dinner would let me forget everything for a few hours.
 

“Out?” Her eyebrows came down in question.
 

“Yes, out. As in I’ll take you out on a date.”

“Hmmm. That I can do. I get off at six. I’ll be home after that.”

I dusted my hands on my jeans before going back into the office. “Can I go on back?”

Back inside Stacey replaced her headset and adjusted her computer. “Yeah.”

I headed for the restroom before I went to Dr. Greenberg’s office to wash the dried blood from my busted knuckles. I twisted the knob and placed my hands under the running water. I winced as it made contact to my open wounds. I dried my hands with a paper towel and made my way to doc’s office.

“Luke,” Dr. Greenberg said with a nod in my direction.
 

“Dr. Greenberg.” I sat on the couch in my usual seat.
 

“Where should we start today?”

The angel on my shoulder encouraged me to spill it all. Tell her what I’d discovered about myself today. Okay, maybe not discovered, but admitted, even though she thought I’d admitted it a while ago. My left shoulder resident, the devil himself, mocked me. Laughed in my ear and called me a crybaby.
 

“Luke, you can’t hide the glazed-over look you have right now. Whatever it is you’re debating let me help you. Start with why the outside of my office took a beating today.” She glanced at my wounded knuckles.

“Because I didn’t want to take out my anger and frustration on someone else. Besides, the brick fights back pretty well. I’ve got the cuts to prove it.” I couldn’t help the smile that turned the corner of my lips upward. Dr. Greenberg returned the smile. “Dave showed up at the school this afternoon. He said his piece; I helped his ass find the ground, and then came over here.”

“Please tell me you didn’t fight your stepfather in public.”

I shook my head. “Nope. He wouldn’t move off the hood of my car, so when I backed up he hit the ground. Not my fault at all.”

Dr. Greenberg scribbled on her yellow note pad. “Good. I’m glad you came right here. Even if I don’t agree with your method of relieving your aggression, I do agree that it was a better solution than hitting a person. Would you like to discuss what Dave said to you, or how you responded?”

“He didn’t say much. Just that he would force me to come back to his house. I told him that wasn’t going to happen and he couldn’t force anything. Legally, I’m an adult and no longer need him.” Dr. Greenberg bobbed her head up and down, but didn’t respond. “It scared me when I saw him. I thought my mom had ended up in the hospital and he’d come to tell me. He said she was fine, which I don’t believe.”

“You care about your mom?”

“Yeah, I’ve told you that before. She used to be the only person that cared about me.”

She tilted her head to the side. “And now she’s not?”

“Nope.” My lips popped at the end of the word.
 

“Who else do you feel cares about you now? A week ago, you were still convinced no one did.”

“I know. Things happen, opinions change.”

“What happened to make those opinions change?”

I thought a moment. An image of Stacey with my arms wrapped around her appeared in my mind. “Stuff.”

“Would you like to expound on this ‘stuff’ that took place?”

I shook my head. I didn’t mind talking today, but I didn’t want to implicate Stacey in any way that would get her in trouble. So talking about my changing opinions was a no go for the day.
 

“Okay. I can live with that. What else would you like to talk about today? Are you ready to talk about what happens between you and Dave while you are at home?”

“No. But there’s something I need to ask you.” I took a deep breath trying to muster up the courage I’d need to take this next step. “Is it possible that my hatred for Dave is the reason I can’t keep my anger under control? I know you said it was a while ago, but I don’t think I believed you. What you said then were just words to me. Now I can see it. I mean, it seems like every time something happens- the thought of him, or he himself, is the cause. When I lashed out at Stacey she’d called me by his last name. I hate being tied to him at all. I hate what he’s done to my family. I hate how he treats my mom...”
 

I felt the heat begin to color my cheeks and my temper flare once again. Damn, I was sick of Dave having control over me even when he wasn’t around. “The last few weeks have been nice. I’ve been working, going to school, and coming here. Not once have I lost control. At least not until today when
he
decided to show up. I think I might even be making friends. Not best friends, but friends.”

Dr. Greenberg placed her hand on my knee. “Yes, it’s possible. I believe there’s more to it than just the feelings you have towards Dave, but that’s a start. Why do you think you have such strong feelings towards him?”

Now we started down the path I didn’t want to take. Wasn’t it enough that I divulged that little tidbit of information? Apparently for Dr. Greenberg, it wasn’t.
 

“Don’t clam up on me now. I know this is new territory for you Luke, but we can’t figure things out with half information. It’s all or none. We’ve had this conversation many times now.”

“I know, but you’re asking me to spill everything. You want me to answer questions I don’t even know the answer to. Why can’t it ever be enough? All of you are the same. The only thing you really care about is answers, do you even care if I learn how to control this shit? Or would you rather me not so I can keep coming back here and dropping money like it comes from a tree?”

“Luke. That’s not fair. You know I want to see you figure things out.”

Shit
. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. It’s just…”

“Just what?”

“You want me to talk about all this and I don’t know the answers. Then I feel like a dumbass, which makes me mad. It’s a fucking never-ending circle.”

“I know you don’t want to hear this, but that’s kind of the point of coming to see me. I should be an outlet that you can trust. Someone you can tell anything to without fear of repercussions. If I’m not, then I’d have to suggest that you reconsider our weekly appointments.” Dr. Greenberg reached behind her and placed the pen and notepad on top of her cherry wood desk. “But that’s not for us to talk about today. Our time is up.” She slapped her legs and stood from her chair.