Fighting to be Free by Kirsty Moseley (42 page)

When I pulled up outside I wasn’t sure if I wanted to go in or not. What if he told me it was true?

What if he had murdered his little sister…. how was I supposed to feel about him then? Would I look at him differently? Would I no longer want his hand to take mine because subconsciously I’d be thinking about the fact that those hands belonged to a convicted murderer?

I groaned in frustration and put my head on the steering wheel. The anger was still there, but sadness was taking over as the dominant emotion in my body. I loved him so much, maybe too much. What was I going to do?

After taking a few deep breaths I forced myself out of the car. His truck was parked in his allocated space so I knew he’s be here - he’d told me he wasn’t starting his ‘job’ until eleven so I knew I’d have time to speak to him before that.

Zombie-like my legs carried me up the two flights of stairs and I stopped outside his door. My whole body felt cold, I didn’t want to know but I had to. Why did Mark have to tell me? I was perfectly happy not knowing this little piece of earthshattering information, but now my life was threatening to fall to pieces around me.

“Please let this be a mistake,” I whispered as I knocked on the door. In my head I was imagining all sorts of scenarios, accidents that could have resulted in her dying but because he’d done something wrong then he was charged with her death - maybe a car accident in a stolen car or something….

After a minute of nothing happening I silently scolded myself as I realised he was probably sleeping in preparation for tonight - I should have called to tell him I was coming over. I groaned and pulled out my cellphone, but just as I unlocked my screen to find his number, the door swung open and there stood the love of my life.

“Hey!” he chirped, sounding a little shocked.

The sound of his voice made my stomach ache, the tone, so rich and welcoming. His voice alone made me swoon. I dragged my eyes over his handsome face to meet his eyes, biting my lip so that I didn’t just burst into tears. A smile was stretched across his face, his eyes soft and tender as he looked back at me.

“What you doing here?” he asked, grinning, reaching for my hand.

I gulped, unsure as to what I should say. How do I start this conversation? My eyes searched his face as his fingers linked through mine, stepping a little closer to me. Could this beautiful, thoughtful, adorable boy standing in front of me, really be a killer? Was it even possible?

My sob rose in my throat and I opened my mouth to speak but no words came out. “Ellie, you okay?” he asked, cocking his head to the side, looking at me worriedly. “I thought we weren’t seeing each other tonight.” He tugged on my hand, making me step into his familiar apartment.

I had no words, so the only thing I could do was reach into my pocket and pull out the crumpled piece of paper that Mark had given me. Jamie’s ‘rap sheet’ as he’d called it. I held it out to him and he frowned, looking confused as he took it from my hand and straightened it out so he could read it.

I watched his face as he scanned it over. His eyes twitched, his jaw tightened, his shoulders seemed to stiffen. He blew out a big breath and his eyes flicked up to meet mine. I was praying for some emotion to cross his face, any emotion, anger, shock, disbelief, just something to disprove the words written on that piece of paper. But instead what I did see broke my heart even more. I saw guilt, plain and simple. His brown, sad eyes said it all - what was printed on that sheet was true.

“Ellie, where…. where did you get this?” he asked. His normally smooth and silky voice was tight with stress and emotion as he spoke.

“Mark,” I croaked.

He frowned, looking confused. “Mark, what? How?”

I sniffed, wiping the tear that escaped even though I was trying to hold them back. Was he seriously not going to tell me? Was he stalling for time so that he could come up with a lie? “Terry’s lawyer is Arthur Barrington, Mark’s dad. He’s been helping with his case. He told me that the prosecution are trying to link Terry to other crimes and criminals,” I muttered. I needed to sit down, my legs were getting a little weak as we stood there assessing the other.

Jamie nodded, his face hard and emotionless as he closed the door, shutting us both in the apartment. “Mark’s dad? Well that sucks,” he grumbled, screwing up the paper again and shoving it into his pocket. “I already knew about the association thing, Brett told me.”

I looked at him incredulously, waiting.

His eyes met mine and he gulped loudly. “I should have told you,” he mumbled.

I laughed humourlessly. “Really, ya think?” I snapped sarcastically. He grimaced, stepping closer to me and stretching out his hand towards me, a pleading expression on his face. Instinct and anger made me slap his hand away just before he touched my cheek. “Don’t touch me,” I growled.

His hand immediately dropped down to his side again as he looked at me so remorsefully, so softly, that it made my heart ache. “Ellie, please…. I love you,” he whispered.

His words were painful, emotion was washing over me as my eyes stung with tears that I refused to let fall. “You’ve been inside for murder?” I questioned, my was voice barely above a whisper.

He nodded slowly, his eyes locked on my face as he raised his hands innocently. He was doing everything so slowly, almost like I was a frightened animal and he was trying not to scare me off. “I didn’t want to tell you. I didn’t want you to look at me the way you are right now. I didn’t want you to know that side of me, that’s not the person that I want to be,” he said softly.

My chin wobbled as he stepped closer to me. Too close. So close that I could feel the heat coming from his body. I couldn’t let him that close to me, I couldn’t concentrate when Jamie was that close to me, so I stepped back and shook my head. I was fighting a losing battle to hold onto my anger as it was, I didn’t need him stepping into my personal space and getting behind the barriers I was trying so hard to keep up. His shoulders slumped as he hung his head almost shamefully. He looked so defeated that it broke my heart.

“I had a right to know. That’s not something you can keep from someone, you should have told me!” I shouted angrily.

Again he nodded. “I know, Ellie, but I didn’t want to lose you, then as time went on it became more like I
couldn’t
lose you. It got harder and harder to tell you, then it was impossible because I’d left it too long,” he explained, still looking at the floor.

“Jamie, you killed someone! You didn’t even tell me, you let me fall in love with you knowing that the person I was falling for didn’t exist!” I cried. He shuffled on his feet, his eyes firmly fixed on the floor and I hated that he wouldn’t look at me. “Oh just give up the little boy lost look for Christ sake, that’s not helping your case so man the fuck up and look at me!” I slapped his shoulder as hard as I could, only resulting in making my hands sting from the blow. “Ow,” I muttered, pouting.

“You okay?”

I laughed incredulously and rolled my eyes. “Screw you,” I retorted. He needed to give up the kind and caring boyfriend routine. The stupid boy was a murdering car thief who worked as part of a gang.
This
was the real Jamie Cole, not the illusion that he’d shown me for the last six months.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. His face was a mask of sorrow and I felt my stomach quiver as guilt built up inside me because I’d made him feel bad. Then I got even angrier because I’d done nothing wrong yet he was making me feel guilty for wanting to know the truth. Damn it, why could I never stay mad at people? I sucked!

“Sorry doesn’t cut it,” I snapped.

He sighed deeply. “This is exactly why I didn’t want you to know. I can’t stand this, this, hardness, this revulsion, not from you,” he said quietly.

“This hardness is because you lied to me about who you were!” I practically screamed as I slapped his shoulder again for emphasis, this time ignoring the pain in my hand.

“I was scared of how you’d react, Ellie! I guess now I know and I was right to have been scared,” he said shaking his head sadly.

I snorted. “You don’t know how I would have reacted. You should have told me and let me decide if I could deal with it; it wasn’t your choice, that wasn’t fair.”

He raised one eyebrow at me. “And how would you have reacted to being told that I was a convicted murderer? Would you have given me the time of day? Would you still have fallen in love with me? No, you wouldn’t!” he replied sarcastically, throwing his hands up in exasperation.

“Well it’s too damn late to find out now, huh?” I snorted. I glared at him for a few minutes while he just stood there, looking at me apologetically, seeming to be choosing his words, or maybe he was just waiting for me to bitch him out some more. I sighed. I just needed to know once and for all, this was killing me slowly, because I didn’t know him inside and out like I thought I did. I thought I knew who he was as a person, I thought I knew all of him - I was so totally wrong and that was what hurt the most. I felt a little betrayed that he could keep something that important from me; it was almost like he didn’t trust me with his secrets or something.

“Jamie, just…. just tell me. Was it an accident? If it was then that’s different. If you didn’t mean to kill her then it’s something different entirely. Please, just tell me what happened,” I begged, looking at him hopefully. The scenarios from earlier were running through my head - Sophie had died in a car accident in a car that he’d stolen, he’s accidently knocked her down the stairs, or just…. anything. I was silently pleading for it, hanging onto that small hope that he hadn’t meant to kill her.

He took a small step back, his eyes tightening as he looked at me with a cute little bewildered expression on his face. “Her? I don’t…. what do you mean,
her?
Why are you assuming it was a girl?” he asked, shaking his head as if to clear it.

I frowned. “I thought…. you said she was murdered.” I stumbled over my words and suddenly his whole posture seemed to tighten as he practically glared at me.

“Sophie? You’re talking about Sophie? You think I killed my little sister?” he questioned, his voice full of acid as he straightened his shoulders raising himself to his full height so that he towered above me.

I flinched from the abrupt change in tone. “Yeah?” I confirmed weakly, but it came out as more of a question because of his disbelieving expression.

He made a strangled growling sound as his eyes burned into mine. “Seriously, you think, even after all the time that we’ve spent together, you seriously think that I’m capable of murdering my own sister?” he spat. His tone was truly menacing and for the first time I could see the ‘hard Jamie’ that he said he switched into when he was working.

I didn’t know what to think now, confusion was settling over me. He looked so angry with me for suggesting it that I actually felt terrible for even entertaining that thought in my head. Obviously this wasn’t about his sister, I should have known that. I’d jumped to the wrong conclusion, I could see that now.

“I just put two and two together,” I replied quietly.

“And came up with thirty fucking five,” he barked, sneering at me.

An involuntary whimper left my lips as he stepped forwards, his whole body language was menacing and intimidating. “I thought it was an accident or something. I was hoping it was an accident,” I explained, trying to look away from his accusing eyes as he advanced on me.

His teeth ground together as he stepped even closer, so close that I stepped back to get some personal space and bumped into the wall behind me. He bent, putting his face so close to mine that our noses were almost touching as his hard brown eyes met mine. His voice sounded furious as he spoke. “So that’s the type of person that you think you fell in love with? If you think I’m capable of murdering a little girl, then what’s to stop me from killing you to keep it quiet? I could do it you know. I could put my hands around your neck and snap it like,
that,
” he growled, snapping his fingers on the word that. “I could cover it up too; have someone bury you somewhere your parents would never find your body. Easy, I could get away with it this time.”

I raised my chin, keeping eye contact with him, knowing he was angry and just trying to push my buttons and scare me. But the thing is, I wasn’t scared of him. “You wouldn’t hurt me, you love me,” I said confidently.

His hands traced up my sides, making my skin prickle like it always did when he touched me. They came to rest on my throat. His fingers wrapped around my neck, his thumbs applying the softest pressure against my larynx. I raised one eyebrow at him casually, knowing he was just trying to frighten me, but it wasn’t going to work.

“I loved her too, but I still killed her,” he hissed. His grip tightened just enough to let me know where his hands were, but he applied no pressure at all.

He’d just admitted it. He’d just told me that he killed his sister. I didn’t know how to react, but somehow I knew it wasn’t true. How he reacted, how angry he got when I said the words, I knew he hadn’t done it. He was clearly outraged and hurt that I had even suggested it in the first place.

I didn’t break eye contact as I shook my head awkwardly because of the placement of his hands.

“Jamie, just cut the act. You wouldn’t hurt me so stop acting like you would. I’m not scared of you,” I promised.

His jaw tightened as he moved impossibly closer, pressing me into the wall with his hard body.

“You should be, Ellie. That information that Mark gave you was right, I am a convicted murderer, and not the accident kind either. I
did
kill my baby sister. I also beat someone to death with my bare hands, the same hands that are currently wrapped around your throat. I beat him until he was dead and even then I didn’t stop, the police had to drag me away to get me to stop. Don’t think I’m not dangerous, Ellie. I don’t regret what I did; I’d do it again in a heartbeat.”

My brain struggled to comprehend what he was saying. I wasn’t sure what to think or feel anymore, everything was so jumbled in my head that it was making my ears ring. Looking at Jamie as he pinned me against the wall, I knew only two things for certain. One, he wouldn’t hurt me, and two, I loved him so much that somehow this revelation didn’t matter to me.