Fighting to be Free by Kirsty Moseley (51 page)

“Don’t bother, I’m not there. I stayed at hers and once I hang up the phone I’m going back in there to wake her up so she can do the nasty little thing she did to me last night,” he grunted.

I whimpered and closed my eyes, trying not to think about it as a wave of nausea rolled over me.

“Jamie, I’m sorry I doubted you last night. I’m so sorry about what I thought, I shouldn’t have done that, I should have known better. I promise I’ll never doubt you again, never,” I vowed. My legs wobbled so I sat down on the edge of the bed and covered my wet eyes with my hand, my whole body was trembling as I sobbed uncontrollably.

“Don’t cry,” he whispered.

“Give me another chance,” I begged. There was silence on the other end of the line and my breath caught in my throat as I waited for his reply. My chin shook as I chewed on my lip, sniffing, trying to regain control of my emotions. “We can work this out if we try hard enough. Maybe we should still go today, just for a couple of weeks and we can work it out and then come back. You don’t have to give up everything for me, but we could go on a vacation and work on us. How about that?

Please?” Maybe once we were away from here, on a beach, fooling around, then I could make him love me enough. “Come to the airport at lunchtime, I’ll meet you there and take your ticket and we can work on us for a couple of weeks.”

“Ellie…” The way he said my name, so soft and tender, just like it used to be said, made my insides squirm. “We wouldn’t have worked anyway, we’re so different, things would have fallen apart eventually. I would have strayed and cheated, just like I did last night. We’re not right for each other at all.”

“Yes we are!” I protested. “I love you,” I choked out.

“No. Move on and get over it. Your time with the bad boy has ended.” The line went dead and I whimpered as I squeezed my eyes shut trying to block out the pain of it all. This was all so sudden that I could barely take it in. Last night we were all set to go and start a new life, and today he’d changed his mind and slept with someone else. My mind was whirling as my heart broke into a million pieces. The phone dropped out of my hand as I flopped back on the bed and curled into a ball, hugging my knees to my chest as I sobbed for my future with him that I wanted so desperately.

I could barely breathe through my sadness but I forced myself to sit up, grab my cellphone and call him again, just to try and reason with him, plead some more. But when I dialled his number he didn’t answer, instead it was just the recorded voicemail telling me to leave a message. I sniffed loudly, wiping my face with the back of my hand as I tried to calm down enough so that I could speak.

When the beep sounded I swallowed the lump in my throat. “Jamie, I love you so much, and I really think we could work this out. I know you love me too, please just don’t do this, okay? I’ll make it up to you I promise. I don’t even care that you slept with someone else last night; I don’t even blame you for it. We should just go on the trip, go to Rome and have a vacation together for a couple of weeks. I’ll show you how much I love you and by the end of the two weeks we’ll be fine again. Please?” I took a couple of deep breaths, refusing to give up on him. I couldn’t go through life without Jamie, what kind of life would that be? My heart was aching so badly that all I wanted to do was curl into a ball and die, but I carried on pleading regardless. “I’m still going to the airport.

Please come, please? Meet me in the departures lounge at lunchtime, please?” I begged. “I love you.” My voice broke as I hung up the phone and the last word was kind of muffled and probably unclear but I knew he’d get the point.

I just laid there for what felt like hours, my tears dried up but my breathing didn’t really return to normal as I stared at the ceiling and went over everything that had ever happened between us.

Somewhere along the line I started to wonder if he ever even loved me in the first place. He was right, we were so different, he got off on stealing cars, and I was a stupid cheerleader in high school, people like us weren’t well suited at all. His declaration of love had come after mine so I started to wonder if he only said it back because he felt like he had to. That night I was helping him out of an illegal situation so maybe he felt like he needed to say it back for me to give him that alibi. I honestly thought he loved me, I didn’t know why he did, but I was always confident with the fact that he did - now though I wasn’t so sure.

Would Jamie have really cheated last night? He said she knew how to treat a man, did that mean that I wasn’t satisfying him in that area? I groaned and covered my face with my hands. Of course she was better than me; I had no real experience before him. Mark and I hadn’t exactly been very playful or adventurous in that department so my real experience came from Jamie. How had I not thought of the fact that I was probably lacking in that area? Of course a guy like him would need more than me.

The door burst open but I couldn’t bring myself to move. The mattress bounced a little as Kelsey settled herself on my bed, sitting cross-legged and smiling down at me. “Dad says get up, sleepyhead, we’re waiting for you so we can eat breakfast,” she stated.

I forced a smile. I couldn’t tell my family what had transpired this morning. I was clinging to the hope that Jamie would reconsider, that he’d meet me at the airport and we’d just go away for a couple of weeks to get a fresh start. I couldn’t very well tell my parents that he’d cheated on me and basically ripped my heart to pieces, because then if he did change his mind, they wouldn’t let me go with him anyway. So, for now, I needed to try and keep my heartbreak hidden. That was going to be harder said than done though because my throat hurt, my eyes stung and my head ached because of all of the crying. If I looked in the mirror I was sure to see a red, blotchy mess looking back at me.

I cleared my throat before speaking, trying not to wince as it scratched and cracked. “I’ll be down in a minute, okay? I’m just gonna jump in the shower. Tell Dad to go ahead and make breakfast, I’m not really hungry anyway,” I croaked, depression leaked into my tone as I spoke and I prayed she didn’t notice.

Kelsey looked at me curiously. She may only be ten but she always knew when I was upset, the girl was like a little radar for my emotions. “Have you been crying?” she asked, reaching out and touching my cheek.

I laughed humourlessly and pushed her hand away. “Kinda,” I admitted. “I’m just a little sad that I won’t get to see you guys for a while. I’m gonna miss you.”

She grinned then, nodding enthusiastically, obviously buying into my complete lie. “Mom’s crying too but she’s pretending like she’s fine and that she has something in her eye,” she replied.

My mom was crying over me leaving? I didn’t really know how to feel about that after the moment that we’d had last night while packing. Though maybe I was just fooling myself, the woman probably really did have something in her eye….

I took a deep breath and pushed myself up to sitting. “Go eat then. I’ll be down in half an hour,” I suggested, nodding towards the door. She grinned and jumped up. I smiled at her back as she skipped out of the door, singing to herself. I was really going to miss them all, that wasn’t a lie - but, well, I guess there was a pretty good chance that I wouldn’t be going now after all so there would be no need for me to miss them. That thought made me whimper and my chin tremble so I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before heading into the shower.

When I was out I stared in disbelief at my reflection in the mirror. It was worse than I thought. My face was puffy and blotchy, my eyes were bloodshot, the corners of my mouth were turned down and no matter how hard I tried to force a smile I couldn’t get it to reach my eyes. My parents were going to know something was up. Even make-up hadn’t really done much to help but hopefully they’d be as gullible as Kelsey was and I could play it off as being sad to leave them all.

Breakfast was…. Awkward. My mom was indeed crying but pretending she had dust in her eye and that her allergies were playing up. My dad was watching me with a sad smile on his face. Luckily for me, gullibility must run in my family because they didn’t push my car-crash of a face issue too far once I told them my lie. I forced the food down, almost gagging on each mouthful because my stomach was tied in knots.

After breakfast I looked at the clock. It was only just before ten - had it really only been a couple of hours since he called? It felt like an age had passed that I was alone in my misery. I didn’t need to leave for the airport until twelve thirty so I still had a couple of hours to kill. I couldn’t sit around here though; it was driving me insane because each minute felt like an hour to pass. My mind flicked to Jamie again, I really needed to see him. He hadn’t called me back after I left that voicemail, I wasn’t expecting him to in total honesty, but the waiting and not knowing if he’d even listened to it was killing me slowly. I decided to go and see him, go to his place and pray that he was there and not with the girl that he claimed he was with. A small part of me was still holding onto the hope that he was making that up to try and hurt me or something. I guess I’d see for myself when I went to his place.

I made my excuses to my parents, telling them I had a couple of friends to say goodbye to before I left, and then made the short drive to his apartment. My hands were shaking the whole time, I was pretty lucky not to wreck on the way there because my mind definitely wasn’t on the road while I was driving.

By the time I got there I was a mess and my tears were falling again. I trudged up to his apartment with heavy legs and an even heavier heart. I wasn’t even sure if I was strong enough to look at him in case he told me right to my face that it was over. I didn’t want to see his beautiful face when he crushed me beyond repair. But I knew I had to do this and try and convince him not to give up on us. I raised my hand and knocked a couple of times. I had a key but I was pretty sure that using it right now would be crossing the line somehow. When he didn’t answer I put my head against the wood and closed my eyes.

Had he seriously stayed out last night with a girl?

My hand fumbled in my pocket, pulling out my keys and finding the one for his apartment. He’d given it to me a couple of weeks after he moved in and I started staying here a lot, I was pretty sure he wouldn’t appreciate me using it now though. But that didn’t stop me from slipping the key into the lock and pushing open his door.

I couldn’t breathe as I stepped through the threshold. Everything looked exactly the same as it did last night when I left here. I glanced towards the sofa, swallowing my sob when I thought about the intimate moments that we’d shared there last night. I would remember that forever. I could practically still feel his skin against mine, still hear our breaths tangling together as he made love to me. Everything had been so perfect last night, so tender and intimate, and now as I stood here alone, the memory of it was taunting me.

I tore my gaze away from the sofa and let my eyes roam his apartment; the place was bare as I expected it to be. I glanced around quickly, looking for signs of life. Maybe he was passed out in his bed or something after being out on the boost all night. I silently prayed that he was, instead of where the nagging feeling told me that he was. I crept towards his bedroom and peeked in. My hope faded when I saw that his bed was empty, still made and hadn’t been slept in. I’d come over here wanting to see for myself if he was lying to me or not about the girl, but now that I knew he didn’t spend the night here, I wished I didn’t know at all.

Pain made my whole body feel weak as I started to accept the fact that he’d cheated. The funny thing is though that it didn’t make me love him any less, I still wanted to be with him and work this out. Usually I despised girls like me when I watched them on TV or read about this kind of situation in a book. I’d always shook my head and wondered how they could be so weak to let a man treat them that way yet still come back for more - but now I knew why they did. The saying ‘love conquers all’ made perfect sense to me in that moment.

My breath came out in one big gust as I stepped into his room, almost tripping over his suitcase that was propped next to the door. His hoodie was tossed on the foot of his bed so I stooped and picked it up, pressing it to my face and taking in lungful’s of his delicious smell. A little moan left my lips because of how it made my insides tremble just by the smell of him alone. Wow, if he could see me now….

“Stop behaving like a stalker, Ellie,” I muttered to myself, throwing the hoodie back onto the bed.

“And now you’re talking to yourself, really, get a grip woman.” I shook my head at myself and turned on my heel, heading into his kitchen to find what I was looking for. When I had the pen and paper, I scribbled him a note.

Jamie,

Please come to the airport, we can just go for a couple of weeks. Please?

I love you and I’m sorry. Please can we start over?

Ellie xxx

I frowned as I looked down at the paper, there were so many things that I wanted to say to him, so many unspoken words that I didn’t know how to phrase properly. Hopefully he’d give me the chance to say them later on. I scribbled an extra kiss on the end before I headed back to his bedroom and balanced the note on top of his case so that he’d see it and hopefully grab his case and run out the door. I sighed deeply, praying it would happen just like that. I refused to fully accept this was over.

I knew I needed to leave. I fiddled with the keys and pulled his one off of the ring, setting it on top of the note. I turned and was just about to walk out, when I decided that I could probably cross the line a little more. So before I left, I grabbed his hoodie from the bed and walked out as I slipped it on, zipping it up tightly around me. Maybe his smell would help me get through the next couple of hours without me losing my mind. As I closed his front door behind me I whimpered when I realised that the last time I’d walked out of his apartment, I had the perfect future all lined up. Last time I walked away from this place I’d been so happy that I’d practically skipped to my car, all because of him. Now though my shoulders were slumped, my heart hurt and I actually felt a little dead inside. As I forced myself to walk away from his apartment, I sent up a little prayer that he’d come home in time to see my note and would decide to give me another shot.