Fighting to Stay (Fighting Madly Book 2) (21 page)

“I hate you, like despise you, like imagining ways to kill you that would be so fucking painful for you, or maybe just stab you in your sleep to surprise you.” I groan as another round of cramps punch the inside of my stomach.

“It didn’t say anything about hurting in my research,” Reed mumbles under his breath as he helps me out of the car.

“It didn’t when it came out, but shit, now it does. This is awful. My uterus feels like someone’s stabbing it. I want our bed, a heating pad, and movies. That’s all.”

“That’s what you will get then.”

And Reed does. He gathers me up in his arms, walks in the house, up our stairs then places me on the bed like I’m made of glass. He gently takes my clothes off and places an old shirt of his over my head. I could have done it all by myself, but as much as I truly love him at all times, I’m not liking him very much at this moment. And I’m going to bleed this guilt with everything he gives me. And then some. Payback for having a penis and not having to deal with this mess.

I grab the remote off the side of the nightstand and turn on the TV. The mindless voices of reality television fill my ears as Reed disappears into the bathroom. I’m engrossed in another reality TV fight when Reed comes out with a glass of water and my sleeping pill bottle in his hand. I’ve dealt with most of the reasons the nightmares come and rarely ever need the extra help any more for a calm night’s rest. But the times I fall asleep with even the smallest amount of pain, the terrors come back full force. I brought it up to Graham the third time it happened, and the explanation he had was that sometimes the brain latches onto the real discomfort, remembers the past pain we had, and takes over. But all Reed, my caveman, does is hug me when I need it, give me space when I crave it, and talks it out when it eats at me. He knows when or where to push when it comes to these dreams. Because as much as he will never admit it, he pays attention to my ticks.

I twist open the bottle and pop one in my mouth then take a swig of the water. My head pounds with each minute I stay upright, and the cramps move down my body. I pull the heating pad out from beside the bed, and the instant I place it on my belly, the heat creates a small bit of comfort.

Reed strips out of his clothes, putting just his sweat pants on, his body on display for me. Only this time, no ogling from me, no wanting to jump that delectable body of his. Damn, fucking, IUD hell.

Yet I can still find the beauty in all those tattoos. Especially the sparrows and the stars for Astra.

I snuggle up to him, laying my head on his chest, and inhale deeply, his smell like damn magic. “Still think you should go into the cologne business, too, and copy your smell. And you know this means no funny business for a while?”

My head bounces as his chest moves when he laughs. “Always the sex with you?”

“No, it always goes to sex with
you
. It’s always like, ‘
Let’s kiss more, let’s fuck more and think less, babe
.’”

His body quakes as he laughs at me. “That isn’t how I talk, babe.”

“It totally is. Oh, don’t forgot… ‘
Babe, those tits are always looking at me wanting to be touched
.
Babe, that ass is on fire.’”

“If you say so.”

“I do, now shut up. It’s lights out in a few.”

Reed drapes his arm over my hip, places a light kiss on my head, and before I can respond, my eyes close on their own and I’m drifting off to sleep. I’m so secure in his arms, even with my pain, and with not liking him. I’m safe and loved by this man.

I fix my sight on the light above the door, willing it to magically turn green, signaling the session with Graham is over. But nope, still bright red. I peek over his brown head to the tiny wooden clock sitting on his bookshelf, and I swear time stands still.

I’m imbalanced. It feels like a piano is on my back as I wait for him to respond to the massive amount of new developments in my life. Our meetings are down to once every three weeks, for “tuning,” as I like to call it. And this one is the biggest tune-up yet, all joyful things—engagement, the building of our house, and the decisions for the removal of my IUD. That’s a lot for anyone, but with someone with PTSD, happiness could be a trigger. My ability to self-sabotage good things, see badly when really, the only things around are positive steps, is one of my ghosts. It’s a response I may have my whole life no matter what tuning I do. Or what Graham tells me. But I know this: I know it’s one of my faults, and it’s the reason the tuning will always be needed.

And a small piece of dread that I could be letting Graham down, that maybe I needed to ask before I dived head-on in. Another thing in rehab they warned us about is the closeness between patients and doctors. What if he thinks I’m crazy, or what if he thinks I’m rushing? What would I do? How would that change my decisions?

“Hadley, just to let you know, you can’t will the light to change colors. You’re awfully fidgety today. Why’s that?”

I let out a deep sigh and fiddle with my hands in my lap. “I don’t want to let you down, and if you don’t approve of it, well… That won’t help me out.”

“You can’t seek out my approval for everything. You don’t need it. And it’s not healthy, either. I’m only here to help you work through your life, not tell you the way to live it. Hadley, live for you, for your happiness, your future, no one else’s. Consequently, are you happy?”

“I am.
Really
happy. It’s time to take that step, not because it’s logically the next step, but because I want it. I want to be Reed’s wife.”

“Then that’s your answer. Now the baby situation… How are you dealing with that?”

“I’m scared, terrified. But I’m absorbing it all and we discuss it. That’s a big difference. I mean some of it, Reed railroaded me with it at first, but if he didn’t do it, I would never have gone through with it.”

“Take it one day at a time. One step, one thing at a time. And if you need to see me more, all you have to do is call and I’ll fit you in.”

“Thank you.”

And Graham means it. He’s the one person in my life, Reed included, who is on the outside looking in only for my well-being. My sanity. He isn’t my friend, we don’t chat about his life, no meeting outside the office for coffee yet he knows the secrets in my soul. He knows the doubts that cloud my brain, probably more than I do. He knows the demons inside me, my sins I’ve overcome.

And one day, the time may come that our meetings might not happen anymore, that I no longer look for him to guide me. But he leaves me with the tools to be strong enough to make it on my own.

Do you know that feeling of walking into the lion’s den with glares from people surrounding you, waiting to watch for your limbs to be gnawed off? That’s what a party is for a person who hates being the center of attention. Whoever thought engagement parties were needed in society needs a swift kick in the teeth or the balls. I can do both, if needed.

No one wants to be here, not me, Reed, my family, none of us. Matt is livid about the wedding. He may have passed over the strangle-Reed phase, but that doesn’t mean he won’t spit on him if Reed ever gets knocked down. Mark could care less about anything pertaining to me, but a marriage to Reed, a fighter, isn’t his idea of the best. And my father, he’s pissed. Reed didn’t ask his permission to marry his only daughter. He only called to tell him what he had planned.
Tell him.
I barked out a laugh when he yelled it through the phone. Reed ask for permission from anyone? Wasn’t going to happen. Now Reed
telling
him? Yeah, that’s the Reed I know, the man I love.

But that leaves us in my current predicament, hair curled and pinned to the side, flawless makeup, and a gorgeous black gown flowing down to the ground, and much to my dismay, being the center of attention for all these guests. I stand, awkward, in a damn ballroom, a location where my matron of honor, Courtney, insisted we just
had
to have it at, meanwhile, ignoring the option Reed and I had both wanted—not to have one at all. Reed’s wrapped up in training, but I didn’t have an excuse. Yet she argued that this is the only one I will ever have, fussed it was her job as my best friend, topped it with some guilt, and she finally got her way.

So here we all are with twinkling, white lights dangling over our heads, flowers covering all the walls, and candles lit at each table. With my family who wants to be here as much as I do, and more people that I’ve never met in my life, and I haven’t a clue what half of their names are yet they all seem so excited that Riker has found me again.

“I can’t believe Reed custom-designed the ring; it’s gorgeous.” The warm voice of a tall, stunning, blonde named Leddy says. Her eyes shine down at my finger, and she’s probably the only girl from the league that isn’t blowing smoke with her happiness for us.

“Thank you.” I smile, the first real one since we walked in tonight. Because I can’t believe it either, any of it. My ring, or rings, is an image of my fantasy. Only Reed could pull off two rings that have their own individuality yet together they look seamlessly like one.

“Are you planning on staying in Atlanta once you are married?”

“Yes, he bought some land to build on, and my family is here, so we don’t want to move that far away.”

Leddy nods. “I like it here. Totally different than Vegas…” She trails off and her eyes grow distant and dark as she glances over the top of my head.

“Hey, are you okay?” I place my hand over hers, my voice laced with concern.

“Oh…yes spotted an ex here. But don’t worry, no drama from me.”

I spot Reed coming out of the back room with Lance, Bash, and Gus following closely behind him. His tattoos are peeking out of his suit and he has light scruff on his face. Across the room, over a mass of people, he finds me in a blink and flashes one of his smiles that causes my knees to go weak. It’s the only smile he reserves specifically for me and his own desire. It’s the same look he’s been giving me since I took my first step down the stairs, ready to leave.

Leddy glances over her shoulder, the problems with her ex seemingly forgotten. She turns around, the grin back on her face. “You know, I’ve known him since he joined the league and it was always you. Even with that other bullshit that clouded him.”

“I know. Just like it was always him for me. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to be the annoying fiancée and bug him to hang out. Come see me before you leave and we’ll plan lunch before you go back to Vegas.” I should have talked to her longer, should have played hostess for a tad, but I can’t stand chatting around when Reed longs for me.

I cross the room, ignoring the crowds, rejecting any distraction but him and his command for me, over me. Reed approaches me halfway and looks directly in my eyes as his arms wrap around my waist.

“Have I told you how damn good you look tonight?”

I press my lips together and lift one brow. “Only when I came downstairs, then in the car—oh yes, and we can’t forget about when we first got here.”

He sets his hands on my waist, then he slides his arms around me, his fingertips grazing my ass. “Well, because it’s fucking true.”

I giggle on his shoulder, my whole body burning as he pushes his body harder against me. “Careful or you’re going to give these guests an eyeful.”

“Who gives a fuck? You know, when I was talking with the guys, I came upon a room that happens to be perfect for…”

“Oh, did you?”

“Follow me.” Reed’s voice is deep and husky, and it causes shivers to break out across my skin. He drops his hold on me and laces his fingers with mine, pulling me through the crowd. I glance around, making sure no one sees us disappear, and the only one who does is Courtney. She gives me a thumbs-up with one hand and holds up a drink in a sort of toast with the other.

Reed pushes through the door, then we walk down a dark hallway, through another set of doors. Once they slam closed, our mouths crush together and our hands roam all over each other’s bodies.

I break away, clamping Reed’s bottom lip between my teeth. “You did recon on this, didn’t you?”

He chomps down on my lip. “Fuck, yes. You said hands off at the house, but shit, babe, there’s only so much my dick can handle. I don’t know how the hell your body could get any better, but it did, and I can’t keep my damn hands to myself.”

Reed’s palms trace down the beads of my dress. Taking a handful of my ass, he jerks me hard against him. His mouth meets mine, he slams me up against the wall, things on the shelves crash. But I don’t give it any thought, not with his cock rock-hard and pressing into my stomach.

I rip his shirt out of his pants. My hands roam every inch of muscle on his chest. His lips slide down my neck and the burn in my center is consuming me. Reed drops to his knees and gathers my dress around my hips.

“Fuck, I can’t believe I let you out of the house with nothing but this fucking dress on. Where are your panties?” The heat from his breath against my clit lights me on fire.

I moan. “I couldn’t. I didn’t want lines to show.”

“Damn woman, you gut me.” His words are lost as his tongue licks my center. I slap my hands against the wall to keep from gripping him, forcing myself not to move my hips. The assault continues over and over. Reed’s finger pushes and twists inside me, hitting all the right places again and again before I explode all over his face.

Once the quivers slow down, Reed unbuttons his pants and stands. The
clink
of the metal from his belt sounds in the room when it hits the floor. Reed takes his cock out and wraps his hands around it and positions it near my soaked opening. The dire need to have him filling me ripples through my body. I want to devour him with everything in me. I crave it. Time stops as he buries himself to the hilt inside me.

“This shit…”
Thrust.
“Is fucking platinum.”
Pump.
“And I’m going to bury my come so deep in you…”
Drive in
. “That it’ll still be in you next fucking year.”

My hands leave the support of the wall and tangle in his hair. I tug his face up to mine. “I only hear words. I want the actions,” I say, my teeth grinding together as my legs hook around his waist, desperately trying to hold the scream in that wants to erupt.

No more dirty words are spoken. Only cries and moans erupt when he plunges in and pulls out, over and over again. His iron-hard dick gives everything to me, and more, the pressure building with each second he’s inside me. Our gazes lock as he stops, then he begins pumping me deliriously slow. Each movement of his cock against my g-spot has my legs shaking. I clench my inner muscles around his hardness before he’s almost out and he pushes back into me, taking it slowly again, only to ram into me again. He does this too many times to count and my eyes lose focus on him as my whole body tightens up. Every muscle in my body quivers from his powerful release.

Reed grabs my hips with a rough and desperate grip, emptying every last drop in me.

We collapse together. My legs and arms hang around him like a ragdoll, the leftover tingles still bursting through my bloodstream.

“Shit,” Reed says against my neck. We’re both breathing as if we just ran a marathon, and sweat drips from our bodies.

He untangles my limbs, never losing his hold as he slips from my warmth. My body instinctively clenches around him, but it doesn’t stop him from leaving me feeling hollow. He looks at me, a glimmer of brightness in his eyes, and draws up his pants. He retrieves a napkin from his pocket and wipes me clean.

I giggle. The afterglow burns through me—I feel high, giddy. “You really were a Boy Scout, weren’t you?”

He slips his dick through the zipper and fastens his pants. “I had plans, that’s all. Now let’s get to the party before people wonder where the guests of honor went.”

“You and me not there? They don’t need to think too hard about that.”

“True words, babe.”

My fingers linger on him as I finish buttoning his shirt. “You are ready, me not so much. I need to clean up first. You go ahead. I’ll be right after you.”

“I’m not going to fuck you and run. Let me walk you to the bathroom.”

Reed intertwines our hands and opens the door. He walks into the corridor with no hesitation, but I stall at the doorway, whip my head to each side, and step out only when I’m certain the coast is clear. I tread so light on the tile floors, my heels barely make any noise.

We navigate through the hallways, opposite of the direction we came in. Door after door is opened and turn after turn, we make our way through the maze. Somehow we arrive at the bathrooms.

“Now fix the rats nest on your head and come find me.”

“Did I ever tell you that you speak such sweet words to me?”

“If you don’t want the truth, you’re marrying the wrong ass.”

I turn around and Reed’s palm smacks my butt. His laughter fills the air as he walks away.

My reflection in the bathroom mirror shines back at me. I have such a silly grin on my already touched-up face, and I slide the last bobby pin back in my hair when the door gradually opens. It’s Sarah. I smile at her in the mirror, but even she can tell it’s fake. A stranger can tell it is.

Every conversation between us is either forced, fake, un-acknowledged, or sometimes all three. She’s someone I always considered my sister, a confidante in a lot of ways. But she’s really my…my stepmom? No. I can’t accept that. Not now, anyway. I see her as one of the only ones that held the deepest secret in my life. I can’t fault her, and in my soul, she’s not the problem, or at least not the main one. If Reed asked me to keep something from everyone, big or small, I would. My lips would be zipped up tight with no hesitation, and without a question, not a word. So I understand, but it stings; my pride’s wounded with how the truth spilled out.

We skate around each other, swipe our issues under the rug to appease everyone, to prevent the drama that will come if we don’t. It’s not the best way. Hell, it’s the thing I still work on in therapy, but it’s the easiest way. And for now, the wall is up and it will stay up until a better solution comes along and knocks it down.