Fin & Matt (3 page)

“How can you say that most of them are for cruising when you’ve been to one bar total?  You need to get out there.  We are dancing.  I’ll be at your place in an hour.  Wear something cute.”

I dressed simply.  Fitted dark jeans and a new white undershirt (Ralph Lauren – compliments of my mother). 
God, I really needed to stop letting her buy my clothing.
  But the shirt was nice, stretched snugly against my pale skin.  I tousled my unkempt hair with some pomade and sprayed one spritz of spice-scented Viktor & Rolf onto the back of my neck. 

The first words from Emily were “holy fuck.”

“Um… thank you?”

She smiled and eyed me up and down, lifting my shirt an inch to tug at one of my belt loops.  “No, thank
you
.”

I hugged her, mumbling, “I’ve missed you.”

She squeezed hard, resting her chin on my shoulder.  “I’ve missed you too.  Let’s not let another eight months go by without seeing each other again, okay?”  She lightly kissed my neck and pulled away.  “God, you even smell like sex.”

I pulled on a pair of worn Magnanni wingtip boots and laced them slowly, regretting my decision to leave the house.  “Should I wear a sweater?” I asked her.

“Do not cover that body of yours with one more stitch of clothing.  You look amazing.  I’d fuck you.”

“I know,” I teased.  “You’ve said so many times.”

“Well, I would.  You’re the true love of my life.  But… let’s go find yours.”

♂♂

At least the music was exceptional.  I expected vapid techno.  Instead, I was pleasantly surprised to find that the DJ preferred indie rock, playing everything from M83 to Arcade Fire.  It was still danceable, of course, and Emily was in rare form.  She danced to every track, clearly flirting with half of the (uninterested) men in the place.  It had to be a new feeling for her – often times, she was the most beautiful woman in the room.  Tonight was no exception; yet, her dance card remained fairly empty.

I moved toward the bar and leaned against the hard top among the mass of bodies, pulling a twenty out of my pocket and tapping it lightly on the counter.  As I looked around, I spared a moment to take in my surroundings.  Most of the men weren’t necessarily attractive to me, though a few would do in a pinch.  And then—

Matt.

I did what any sane man would do in my situation.

Ducked behind a large steel beam.

Shit, shit, shit.

He was here which meant… he was gay?

Shit.

I slipped away from the bar and onto the dance floor where I casually collected Emily and guided her toward the front door.  She stopped me, tugging her arm away.

“Hey!”

“Em… let’s go.  Now, okay?”

“No.  You can go but I’m staying,” she huffed.

“Fin?” a voice from behind called.

Shit.
  I knew that voice.  I’d stroked myself to completion on more than one occasion while fantasizing about that voice. 

I turned slowly, meeting the blue eyes of the one man that could ruin me.  “Matt,” I stammered.  “What are you doing here?”

He smiled widely and shoved his hands in the pockets of his jeans.  “I could ask you the same thing.”

“I’m here with friends.  I mean, I’m here with Emily.  This is her.  Um… this is Matt.  We work together.”  I made clumsy introductions as the two shook hands briefly.

“Nice to meet you,” Matt responded, immediately turning his eyes back to me.  “You leaving?”

“No,” Emily protested.  “Fin was just hot and needed some air. “

“Mind if I join you?” Matt asked.  “It
is
hot.”

“You two go,” Emily shouted over the too-near speaker.  “I’ve got a date with the dance floor.”

I chewed on my lip nervously and turned out the exit, slowly walking to an alley on the side of the building.  Leaning against the brick, I lifted my head to meet Matt’s gaze. 

“Hey,” he said.  “Relax.  I’m not here to out you.”

“No… I know.  My friend wanted to come.  I just—”

“It’s okay.  Listen, Fin, you knew I was
gay
, right?” he asked.

I took a deep breath and blew out as I focused on the hem of his flannel shirt.  “No, I’m sorry, I didn’t.  I would have never guessed in a million years.  I feel like such an idiot.”

“For what?” he asked.  He reached out and lightly touched my elbow, rubbing his thumb across my overheated skin.

“At school.  You probably thought I was flirting with you.  I’m… embarrassed.”

He moved a few steps closer and shifted his hand to rest on my hip.  “You weren’t flirting?”

His voice was thick and rich without one hint of effervescence.  I was suddenly concerned with my semi-effeminate inflection, thoroughly desperate to butch it up.

“Were
you
?” I returned, looking up.

“Maybe.”

“Really?” I blurted.

Matt casually looped a thumb through one of my belt loops, pulling the cotton material.  “Maybe.  I don’t know.  Yes.”

As a group of men walked past, I jerked away from Matt’s touch and ran a hand through my hair.  “I’m pretty beat.  I think I’m gonna grab Emily and go.”

“Fin.  Stop.”  He moved close and whispered in my ear.  “Your secret’s safe with me.”

“My life is not a
secret
, Matt.  I’m out.  I didn’t want there to be any confusion when I started, so I told Gallo.  He knows.  Most of the teachers do too, I think.”

“Good,” he returned.  “Then you wouldn’t mind if I did this.”

He leaned down carefully and pressed his soft lips to mine.  The pressure was whisper delicate, his lips barely making contact with my shy mouth.  I gently extracted from his embrace, pressing my back against the brick.

“Listen, Matt, I—”

“I’m sorry,” he replied quickly.  “I got the wrong idea.  I thought maybe you felt something between us.  Now I feel like the idiot.  I hope you’ll accept my apology.”

“Matt,” I whispered.  I boldly reached for his waist and pulled him closer.  “You didn’t get the wrong idea.  The whole thing was confusing and I panicked.  I do like you.”

He gave me a nervous laugh and swiped his thumb over his bottom lip.  “You want to – I don’t know – maybe get out of here?  Get a quiet drink somewhere?  The bar is pretty loud.”

“Did you come with anyone?” I asked.

“No, I’m alone.”

My mind raced.  “You often come to the bars alone?”

“No,” he answered.  “But I was feeling anxious at home.  Sometimes I like to go out and be around other people who know what it’s like, you know?  We all live similar lives… some of us hide who we are from the world.  I have some friends here.  I come to see them from time to time.”

“Are you
out
, Matt?”

“That depends.  Here?  Yes.  At work?”  He cocked an eyebrow at me.  “No.  We work at a prep school.  I coach teenage boys.  The parents wouldn’t be okay with an openly gay coach.  Those are the facts.  They aren’t fair but, unfortunately, that’s the way of the world.”

“I should go,” I replied, squeezing his hand once before letting go.

“Don’t go, Fin.  I’m sorry I kissed you.  I was out of line.”

“You weren’t.  It’s fine.  I guess I just don’t want to be some second-rate guy you settle for out of convenience.”

He placed a large hand on my chest.  “What do you mean?  What does that even
mean
?”

“I want someone who chooses me, you know?  I don’t want to be convenient because we work together.”

“I don’t feel that way.  Can’t you tell how much I like you?  Fin… I haven’t eaten lunch in the lounge since I started there two years ago.  I’ve been in there every day for three weeks straight, just to see
you
.  All day, I look forward to the short forty minutes I spend with you.”  He laughed once and continued, “I’m going to gain fifty pounds from missing my regular workout.”

“Eden loves your running shorts, by the way,” I teased.

“I do not love Eden… like at
all
.”  He took a pause and brushed a piece of hair from my eye.  “Please.  One drink.”

I waited.

Pondered.

Studied my boots.

“Okay.  One drink.”

“W
ow, Fin,” Matt gushed.  “This place is amazing.  How do you…?  Never mind.”

“No, what?”  I walked over to the refrigerator and retrieved two beers.  I popped the caps off, handed one to him, and finished his thought.  “How do I
afford
this?”

He laughed lightly.  “I’ve seen your car too.  I take it—”

“I’m a trust fund kid?  Yeah, something like that.” 

I plopped down on the sofa as casually as I could, still not sure how we had ended up in the apartment.  The coffee shop was closed.  The bar across the street was too loud.  So, we ended up there, staring out of my huge bay window at the steel structure St. Louis was known for.

“Lucky boy,” he mumbled, tipping the beer to his full lips.  He settled into the opposite corner of the sofa and kicked off his worn Converse.

“Yes, I am.  I’m not gonna make excuses.  My dad makes a ton of money and I’m an only child.  It’s sad but true.  Still, I’ve lived a pretty lonely life, ultimately.  Money can only buy you so much.  You’d think that a rich kid would be popular, but I guess I’m still me.  I’ve never been much of a social person.  I had Emily, but she was basically my only true friend.”  I shrugged and took a swig from my bottle.  “I had a few acquaintances at Notre Dame, but none of them have even bothered to call since I’ve been back.”

I thought about Emily, still suffering mild guilt over leaving her back at the bar.  In true Emily fashion, she had already made friends and had joined their table in a round of “cock sucking cowboy” shots. 

“You’re kind of beautiful, you know that?” Matt purred.

“Stop.”  I scratched at the painted label on my bottle and changed the subject.  “Television crush.”

“What?” he asked.

“Your first television crush.  Who was it?”

He smiled and placed his bottle on the coffee table before stretching his arm wide against the back of the couch.  “Um… let’s see.  Oh, got it!  David James Elliott.”

I shrugged my shoulders.  “I don’t know who that is.”

“David James Elliott?  Come on… JAG?”  My puzzled look caused him to continue.  “Okay, so the show was pretty ridiculous but Harm?  Fuck, he was hot.  He wore these Navy uniforms with the hat and everything… I fantasized about those uniforms.”

“Harm?” I teased.

He lifted his leg, kicking me lightly with the heel of his foot.  “Yes, Harm.  He was ridiculous.  He is pretty much singlehandedly the reason I’m gay now.”

“Always known?” I asked seriously.

“Yes,” he returned with a pause.  “But I married my high school sweetheart anyway.”

“You were
married
?” I nearly spit.

He nodded and twisted his legs into a cross-legged position.  “I’m from Pittsburgh originally.  My mom and dad both worked in the steel industry and we lived pretty meagerly, I guess.  The girl I started to date in high school was well off; her dad was in sports medicine and worked for the Steelers.  That, my friend, was just about the coolest thing in the world when I was that age.  He brought me to a few practices and I got to see how things worked, you know?  Anyway, when I graduated high school, I followed in his footsteps and went into medicine.  Becky got into Penn State and I followed her.”

“Okay,” I mumbled.

“See, the thing is, my parents didn’t have enough money to pay for college and hers did.  They took care of me.”

“They paid for your school?” 

He nodded.  “Well, basically, her dad sat me down and laid it out.  They would take care of me if I took care of Becky… you know, after graduation.  She knew about me for the most part, but… she loved me and they loved her.  They just wanted her to be happy, even if her dad knew I wouldn’t be.  I think he knew before she did, you know?”

“Why, if he knew you were gay, would he want you to marry his daughter?” I asked.

“I don’t even think Becky gave a shit about school or a degree.  She just wanted to be a wife and mother, but her parents refused to give up on her going to college.  They also knew she wouldn’t be happy unless we were together, so her dad made it so that I didn’t have a choice, basically.”

“You always have choices, Matt.”

“No, Fin,
you’ve
always had choices.  I wanted to be a doctor and there was no way that dream would become a reality unless I had Carl.”

“And then what?”

“After med school, Carl got me a job in St. Louis.  Becky and I got married soon after and moved here.  I wasn’t happy.  I mean, I loved the job but I wasn’t in love with her.  She was a great friend but I just couldn’t… I don’t know.  I couldn’t give her what she needed anymore.  I was tired of pretending.  She knew it, but was desperate to work things out.  I became the typical fucking gay stereotype and turned into a Bathsheba, staying out late… letting random guys suck me off in some steam room and then going home to her.  She followed me there one night after work.”  He shrugged and let out a sigh.  “That’s how we ended up filing for divorce.  But, with the divorce came a whole new set of problems.”

I pulled off my socks and settled into a pillow.  “I mean, you let him pay for school.  You let him help you find a job.  You had to know—”

“And he quickly stripped me of that job.  One phone call and I was out of work.  I had signed a fucked up pre-nup as well.  Carl made it so that I’ll never work with professionals again.  I work as a high school coach now because that’s as close as I’ll ever get.  Honestly, I was lucky to get that job after the number Carl did on my reputation.  Even two years later, he still has a tight grip on my balls.  Anyway, Becky moved back to Pennsylvania and I stayed here.  I’ve thought about moving a million times, but—”

“Why stay?”

“I love my job.  I actually love that school more than I liked working in the field.  Plus, it pays pretty well and I need the money.  Part of the pre-nup was that if I didn’t basically give Becky a child or stay married for a decade – one or the other – I had to pay back the money,” he said with a shrug.  “So, I’m paying back the money.  I’ve got a little less than five years to go.”

The words came out of my mouth faster than I could control them.  “What if I loaned you the money?  You could be free.”

“No,” he said immediately.  “I didn’t tell you that story so that you’d give me the money, Fin.  Jesus.”

“I didn’t mean—”

“Maybe I should go.”  He stood and searched for his shoes.

“David Tennant.”

“What?”

“David Tennant.”  I patted the cushion.  “Sit, Matt.  Please.”

He carefully lowered to the couch and crossed his arms. 

“From Doctor Who.  The first time I – you know – did
that
, I thought about him.  He was skinny like me, you know?  I’d never been that attracted to a man before – or a woman, come to think about it – but there was something about him.  One episode, he was wearing these pants… I don’t know – they were a little tight and I got hard.”

Matt laughed aloud.  “Doctor Who?  And you laughed about JAG?”

“Fuck you,” I spat, tossing a pillow in his direction.  It bounced off of his arm and landed on the floor.

“I really should go,” he said with a sigh.  “It’s late.”

“Oh, come on.  It’s early.  Stay.”

He slumped into the sofa and curled into a pillow.  “Okay.”

♂♂

“What was your first time like?” Matt asked.

“With a
man
?” 

My throat tightened.  This, unfortunately, was it.  If I was to tell Matt that I was a virgin, it was in that moment.  He would likely run, but I probably deserved it.

“Yes, with a man.”  He laughed and pushed one of his socked feet under my thigh.

“At Notre Dame, I didn’t know any men who were like me, you know?  Anyway, I should be embarrassed but I signed up for Grindr.  I guess I kind of knew what it was about, basically, but I supposed it would be more about dating and less about fucking.  I got like three dick pics within the first hour.  Some man asked me if I was a chicken.”

Matt laughed aloud.  “Are you?”

“I had to look it up.  Anyway… no.  Not a chicken.  Or an angel.  Or a lacy or whatever other name I was called that first night.  But it was like I couldn’t put it down, you know?  I kept looking at that thing like it was my Facebook feed.  Finally, a guy contacted me.  He was cute – and actually dressed – in the picture.  I met him and we ended up going back to his apartment.  He was really aggressive and practically pushed me onto the bed… I don’t know.  We kissed a little, but I told him that I had to go.  He was all tongue and teeth and… aagh.  Disgusting.  Before I left, I saw a picture of another guy on his dresser.  I asked him if it was his boyfriend and he said that he wasn’t a
fag
and told me basically not to tell anyone about what had happened between us.”

“Fin,” Matt whispered.

“It’s okay.  I wish that the first time I kissed a guy hadn’t been like that, but I’m alright.”

“Hopefully the second guy made up for it.”  He smiled sweetly, rubbing his toes against my jean-clad thigh.

I swallowed thickly.  “It was
you
… tonight.”

Matt sat up quickly and took my hand in his.  “You’ve only kissed
one
man?  Ever?”

I held up two fingers.  “Two.”

“Fin… are you serious?”

I nodded.  “I cancelled my Grindr account after that night.  I mean, don’t feel bad for me.  I get plenty of sex.  Just not with a partner,” I teased.

Matt leaned close.  “Okay, try something with me.  Stand up.” 

I stood and he planted in front of me.  “God, you’re tall,” I blurted.

“Shhh, relax.  Okay, shake your arms out.  Let’s just try something.”

“Like what?”

“Will you seriously relax already?” he clipped, a shy smile ghosting over his lips.

“Yes.  Okay.”  I rolled my head several times and closed my eyes.  “Completely relaxed.”

“Keep your eyes closed, okay?”

I nodded again and blew out a deep breath.  “Mmm hmm.”

Matt’s hands lightly brushed the sides of my neck before I felt his lips press against mine. They were soft and comforting as he pulled me closer, massaging the back of my neck with his fingertips.  I relaxed into his arms and let my hands carefully rest on his hips.  Within seconds, it was over.  He pulled back with a smile.

“There.  Do you feel better?”

I felt hard. 
That’s
what I felt.  “Uh huh.”

“Think of that as your first kiss.  Fuck that other guy.”

I cleared my throat and sunk back into the sofa cushions.  “Matt?”

“Yeah?”

“I want to be friends,” I answered.

“We
are
friends.”

“No… I mean that I don’t want to lose your friendship over kissing, you know?  We work together.”

He smiled shyly and sat down (a little too close) to me.  “Yeah?  Alright.  It’s not going to be easy,” he said, leaning in, “because right now, I can’t think about anything other than that kiss.”

“Oh God, me too.”

I grabbed him.  I just clutched at his shirt and pulled him in.  In that moment, I didn’t care if we were friends.  Kissing Matt felt perfect.  I wasn’t shoved onto some twin bed or lying on another man’s seed-soaked comforter. 

It was clean and honest.  I had waited for a moment like that for as long as I could remember.

His tongue slowly caressed the seam of my lips as I opened for him, the scratchy feel of his two-day beard whispering against my cheeks.  I could feel his breath – hot and hurried – across my teeth before I touched my own tongue to his.  He tasted like the coffee porter we had earlier in the evening, a note of espresso lacing my buds.  His mouth was warm and slow as he sucked on my lower lip, tugging it with his teeth.  When he moaned between breaths, vibrating my lips, I nearly unraveled.

He was hesitant almost, pulling back to study my face before gripping the back of my neck to pull me closer.  His fingers coiled into my hair, tugging at the loose curls.  I pressed my lips back to his, opening wide as he let out a short gasp.

Matt’s hands roamed lower, gripping at the hem of my shirt.  As he tugged, I lifted my arms carefully. 
Was this really going to happen?
  Did I want it to?

He shucked the shirt onto the floor and moved his lips down the side of my neck. 

“You’re so fucking hot,” he whispered.

Jesus Christ.

“So are you,” I choked out, swallowing between heavy breaths.

He moved down my chest, trailing tongue-laced kisses over my near-translucent skin.  Now was not the time to focus on strengthening my tan.  When he muttered the words, “I want to taste you,” I nearly came in my (suddenly too tight) jeans.

“I don’t know,” I mumbled.  “I’m… I’m…”

“Fin, if you’re uncomfortable, tell me to stop.  I won’t pressure you.”  His lips continued their torture as he licked over my stomach.  I felt angular – too skinny – all of the sudden.  I wasn’t naked, but may as well have been.  “Want me to stop?”