Final Surrender (25 page)

He recoiled a step. “You know.” He watched as Mark nodded slowly, and then he finally put two and two together. He stared at Mark’s face for a minute. “No, you knew. You’ve known for how long and still asked me to protect her?”

“Right after her prom, and you’re still the only person I’d trust her life with. You’ve loved her since she was twelve, following us around. You’re just too pigheaded to admit it.”

Clay grabbed his bottle, stalking into the living room, with a hand buried in his hair. “But she lied to me. I got her pregnant that first night we were together all those years ago and she left. Not just my apartment but across the country. When she found out, she didn’t tell me. She went about her life and made it like it never happened. How could she do that?”

“And how could you have been such a self-righteous dick to believe the worst and not let her explain what happened? Don’t you think there’s a slim possibility Angela had a level head on her shoulders, even then? I’m sure she tried to tell you the truth and you effectively called her what? The murderer of her own child? That’s all I can come up with since she was so devastated and she wouldn’t actually tell me what you said. Have you ever known her to be rash or flighty? Well. Have you?”

Clay flopped on the couch and put his head in his hands, his elbows resting on his jeans-covered knees. “No,” he finally admitted.

“The next time you talk to her you should really try shutting up for once and asking her what happened. You might be surprised what you missed and she’s had to deal with.”

“You make it sound like I had a choice in the matter. She didn’t tell me a word about the baby. I would have been there for her. All she had to do was ask,” Clay countered, as if it were that easy for anyone in that situation.

“And she would have known that, how? After waiting for you throughout all of high school and then when you finally show up to sweep her off her feet,” Mark came closer and stood beside the coffee table, “then you got scared. I’m sure you were an ass in the morning light and couldn’t scare her off fast enough. Do I have it right, best friend of mine?” Mark sat down in a chair and stared at him.

Clay took in a deep breath, lowered his hands and finally leaned back against the couch cushions. He faced him. “Yeah, that’s about right.”

“Then why would you think for one moment, even considering your hurt pride, that Angela would call and ask for help? She didn’t call me. She didn’t call Becca. She didn’t even call our parents and tell them what happened. Did you know today is the first day I heard that I was almost an uncle once?”

Clay read his face, searching for something. “You knew I wanted her, then why didn’t you do something about it? Tell me to go fuck myself, or tell me it was okay that I date her? Why let me go through all of this hiding if you thought it was fine?”

“Wow. You must really have your head so far up your own ass reality is long gone. You aren’t for a minute going to pin this on me. You can rationalize it all you want and say the only reason you didn’t make a go of it years ago was because you didn’t think I’d approve. If I thought that would have helped, I would have set you two up myself.

“You’ve been scared to love her since you were eighteen and realized she saw through your macho-man crap and saw you. She saw you for who she knew you could be. Someone able to protect her and honor her and, by God, love her with every breath you take. I would have kicked your ass if I didn’t think you could do it. But Angela wants you. You. Do you realize how special that is, after all you’ve done to her?”

Clay hated hearing the truth. Hated hearing what he’d already started to suspect. He blamed Angela for not telling him and he blamed Mark for not confiding in him, but he knew it was a crock of shit.

He was terrified of hurting her. Of not being able to live up to the expectations he saw in her eyes. That maybe he would be a failure at marriage just like his parents had been.

“I want you to be what Angie needs and I want you to love her and be able to say it to her every day for the rest of your lives.”

“I’ve really fucked up, Mark. I said horrible things to her in the hospital. I accused her of…she trusted me not to hurt her again, or push her away.” He dropped his head on the back of the cushions. “That’s exactly what I did. I blamed her for everything and didn’t even hear her side of the story. She was hurting and I ran as fast as I could.”

“Yeah, you did, and the only reason I’m not killing you is because I think you’re finally getting a clue.”

“But what about our fights? Angela and I argue all the damn time. That can’t be healthy. You and Clare never fight, you’re always holding hands, smiling…what are you laughing at?”

Mark snorted and took another swallow of his beer. “Good Lord, man, where’d you get that load of crap? We fight. Most couples do in the privacy of their homes. It’s normal. Clare and I’ve had some doozies over the years. But that’s part of marriage. Fighting, working it out, listening, compromising. Arguing was invented by some chick just so they could dangle make-up sex in front of our faces. And you know what? It’s worth it.”

Mark finished his beer and took the bottle to the kitchen. When he returned Clay had closed his eyes, second-guessing everything.

“I heard you’re leaving the country. Where are you going?”

“Europe. Tomorrow,” he answered, sounding unsure even to himself.

“How long?”

“Three months.”

“That’s a hell of a long time to have to wait to fix this.”

“I know, but I’ve committed to it and I’ve got to follow through. I trust Campbell to take care of her while I’m gone. He’ll lose his nuts if anything happens to her.”

“Oh yes, he told me you threatened his ability to enjoy himself with the ladies.”

“I’ll follow through and he knows it.”

Both men chuckled, some of the tension finally easing from the room.

“Just figure out what you need to do to fix this and make it right. Angela is so close to closing off her heart to the world. I won’t let that happen. Not even for you. Not when I know you love her.”

Mark walked to the door and opened it as Clay said, “Hey?”

He stopped with his hand on the door handle and turned around.

“Thanks.”

“You’re family. Always have been. Whether you like it or not, you’re stuck with us.” He walked outside, closing the door behind him.

Alone in his living room, Clay prayed that the next few months weren’t too long to wait to put he and Angela back together.

Chapter Twenty-Seven

“A baby. I’m going to have a baby,” Angela thought out loud as she sat on her favorite park bench. She had just passed her twenty-two-week mark.

“Yes, you are. Do you think one of these days you’ll stop saying it?” Campbell asked as he tugged on her ponytail.

Angela wacked at his hand and smiled. He was a good guy. Very good at his job and pretty much a big kid with a heart of gold. She couldn’t imagine how his attitude was so cheery after some of the things he’d shared with her that he’d seen.

He settled his arm behind her and she felt somewhat safe. As safe as she could be with pictures of herself surfacing everywhere. Rumors galore of her hospital trip the day that Clay left. At least the reason she had been admitted was never released.

She tried not to think about it. Not to dwell on something she couldn’t fix. Clay didn’t want her, nor did he want to be a part of their child’s life. She’d never have a real family, which was what she had been dreaming of for so long.

It was already mid-February and time for Fashion Week. She had already finished the couture and pre-fall shows. They had passed in a blur and she knew all of her people were worried about her. She had obsessed over the fall line. Put what was left of her heart and soul into it, and she was really proud of what she came up with.

Clay had been gone for almost four months and she hadn’t heard a word from him. Not a word in all that time.

It was why she came to her thinking spot. Wishing he would come back to her.

Angela smiled slightly and decided she’d pick on Campbell instead of continuing her very own pity party for one…and a half. “Maybe when I’m around nine months along and as big as a house I’ll believe it.” She adjusted in her seat to look over at him. He was dressed in khaki cargo pants and a worn plaid flannel shirt. He wore it well and, unfortunately, knew it.
Cocky man
, she thought. He had on a warm hat and huge parka to counteract the very cold temperatures. Probably had something to do with the fact that she berated him if he wasn’t dressed for cold weather.

Finally she added, “But for right now you’d better watch yourself, C, or I’ll send you to the store for more pickles and ketchup.”

Campbell shivered and turned a little green. “Blek!”

“Or I’ll take you back to the women’s clinic and you can help Natalie behind the counter again. Sound good, tough guy?”

“Okay, I’ll shut up now. Anything but that. That woman is a menace.”

“Then let me have a moment to think and we’ll head back.”

After a few minutes of silence Campbell piped up. “I like your thinking spot, Angela. It’s nice. Boring, but nice,” he added with a smirk he’d used to convince who knows how many women out of their panties.

He ribbed her a bit. When she was on the offensive, she probably didn’t look so lost, and he had a very hard time dealing with the ache rolling off her when her heart lay in pieces in her chest. He’d told her several times that he would kick Clay’s ass as soon as he saw him. Having a friend helped.

“Pickles, Campbell,” she taunted as she faced back around.

“Right, right, I forgot. You were much easier to pick on when you didn’t know my kryptonite. I’ll just stand back here and protect you.”

“You do that, Captain Squeamish.”

“Hey, that is so unfair. Who was the one chucking every twenty minutes?”

Angela turned a little green herself and absentmindedly rubbed her bump. “I’m quite glad that part is over with. I didn’t know if I was going to get through it.”

“You and me both, Ang…you and me both,” Campbell confided, gave her shoulder a gentle squeeze and stood up.

He walked around to the back of the bench and stood behind her. Scanning the area like he did so well. There always seemed to be photographers around these days. Ever since the bombing, really, but she refused to hide. Campbell told her once he admired her strength, if not her ambition to weather the storm out in the open.

The pregnancy was still under wraps but as of two days from now, it was going to be news everywhere. Her staff didn’t even know yet. They might suspect but she hadn’t confirmed the whys behind the line yet. She needed time to get used to the idea herself. The first flutters of life were amazing. All of her hopes and dreams now centered on the little acrobat growing big and strong so she or he could enter the world healthy.

Countless envelopes had arrived with photos and letters of warning and collages making up her face or her name. Whomever they were dealing with seemed to be escalating, but just hadn’t made the right mistake yet. Campbell was hoping the moment would come that the jackass would slip up and then he and New York City’s finest could take him down once and for all.

James and the rest of the detectives were on high alert now that Fashion Week had arrived. Her full runway show was scheduled in two days and would prove to be one to remember. She just hoped it wouldn’t be a
bomb of an evening.

She cracked up every time Campbell said it. She smiled and patted him on the mental back for his bad joke, but she couldn’t tell him too often or he’d be strutting around like a peacock.

Hovering wasn’t really one of Angela’s favorite things, so she turned to give Campbell the evil eye over her sunglasses she used to block the setting sun.

“Okay, okay, Ms. Picky.” Campbell held his hands up in defeat and took several steps backward.

Angela stared out into the bare trees and at the infrequent people passing by. She longed for all the bachelors with their dogs and the families pushing babies in strollers when the weather was warmer. Everyone had their own story here. It was just nice.

She made Campbell bring her here almost every day since her trip to the hospital. Thankfully it had been a uniquely warm winter in New York and she took full advantage of it, when ice didn’t cover everything. She’d walked the park to get exercise and she ate healthy like always. Her weight had hardly changed at all, but her tummy was already sticking out just enough to make it obvious to anyone she was going to be a mom.

Her parents knew she was pregnant by Clay, but nothing else. She couldn’t bring herself to tell them what really happened. It had been her secret for so long, it seemed like a betrayal to talk about it.

Mark had been her rock, along with Campbell by her side every day and her friends at work. They had worked long hours and weekends to get everything done for the show that was about to start.

D-day was nearly upon her. All the threats and innuendos surrounded her show in the tent and she was determined to meet it head-on.

A bird chirped up in the tree next to her and she watched a blue jay carrying something in its mouth to its nest. Getting ready to have their babies, she thought. “I wish it could be that simple.”

She’d heard a blue jay was good luck somewhere. Maybe from a movie when she was little. A cold breeze blew across the park, chilling her back to reality. She pulled her full-length coat tighter around her. “Campbell, can you help me with the blanket? I’m going to go sit on the grass for a little while. The bench is uncomfortable today.”

Moments later a large blanket covered her and she wrapped the ends around herself as she found a nice spot of grass to call her own.

Her stomach was a bit upset. It had been a long day of standing on her feet. She knew they had already been there for twenty minutes and the sun was beginning to set, but she was content to sit and wait.

“Waiting for nothing,” she mumbled.

“What, Angela?” Campbell asked, remaining close. “What’d you say?”

Her eyes filled with unshed tears and she admitted, “Nothing. I was just thinking out loud.”

“It’s a nice place to think, isn’t it?”

Clay
.

Her heart nearly tripped over itself trying to catch up. She didn’t want to see him. Didn’t want to look at the man she couldn’t have, and couldn’t live without. She twisted, catching sight of him several feet behind her.

“Yes it is,” she answered, and the rest got lodged in her throat. He looked tired. She remained silent, not knowing why he was there. She prayed it wasn’t to accuse her of anything else. Handling that would take more out of her than she currently had in reserves.

Seeing him again, she knew it would happen. Eventually they’d have to work out things with the baby. She automatically rubbed her tummy where the baby kicked up a storm, facing the park again. Seeing him, wanting him, it was the worst kind of torture, knowing he would never be hers.

“Can I sit?” he asked as he closed the distance between them.

She shrugged, unable to form a verbal answer. At least she had her sunglasses on so he couldn’t see her eyes. They were red and bloodshot, with dark circles beginning to get scary, even to her.

Clay sank down beside her, brushing her thigh. Several layers of clothing separated them but warmth spread up her leg, settling in her chest. Angela jerked away from him, and he stiffened. She wrapped the blanket tighter around herself, turning to look for Campbell. He silently saluted her while walking to the curb to hail a cab.

They sat in silence. Angela couldn’t think of anything to say. Over and over in her mind she’d figured out down to the last letter what she wanted to say. How she wanted to explain everything that he didn’t let her finish the last time, in the hospital, but now she didn’t know how to start.

She opened her mouth to speak several times, but then closed it.

Knowing this was probably the last time she would probably see him and be able to really speak to him, she didn’t want to say anything wrong. He deserved that much.

He ended up taking it out of her hands when he asked, “Angela, what really happened when you were pregnant before? I would have supported you, you know,” he stated quietly.

Angela breathed a sigh of misery. So many mistakes between them. So many secrets. They were so rarely able to be honest and open that she was happy they were alone. She decided to grow a backbone. Even if he didn’t want her, couldn’t love her, he needed to know the truth.

“You really thought I got rid of the baby? You really thought I could do that?”

“I know we made a mistake when we were young, but we could have figured something out. I don’t want to think that you could do something like that but, I was angry that you didn’t tell me, scared that something was going to go wrong this time…”

“That is precisely the reason I didn’t tell you I was pregnant back then, and this time.”

“You hated me so much for not loving you that you didn’t want me to be a part of the baby’s life? It was a part of me too, you know.”

Angela’s eyes welled up again, overflowed. She had imagined this conversation so many times that she finally remembered what she wanted to say.

“It was a little girl, Clay. A little girl and it was because I loved you so much that I never told you.”

He sucked in a sharp breath like someone had kicked him in the stomach. “A little girl,” he repeated. It whispered past his lips on a sigh.

“How could you say it was because you loved me? I don’t get it.” He shook his head in obvious frustration.

Clay turned to face her and removed his sunglasses. She saw his eyes looked just as bad as hers.

She hesitantly removed hers and continued, “You would have done the right thing, by me or the baby, however you wanted to look at it. I knew you well enough to know you would take responsibility for what happened. That’s why I didn’t tell you I was pregnant. I loved you so much and I knew you didn’t want me. I couldn’t bear for you to feel obligated to be with me. It would have broken my heart even more, to think you had to settle for me.”

She reached up, hovering her fingers over his lips when he tried to speak.

“I’ve loved you all my life. You are the only man I’ve ever been with. Then and now. The only person I ever wanted to be with. The only person I’ll ever want to be with,” she finished.

Clay drew her fingertips away but held on to her hand, warming it. “Then how could you get rid of something that was a part of us?”

She tugged her hand free, facing away from him to stare out over the water and the trees. “I didn’t. It’s true that I didn’t tell you about her, but I never would have made that decision, no matter how desperate I was. I never would have hurt our child.”

“Please tell me. Let me be a part of it, even if it’s too late now…for her.”

Clay tugged Angela in front of him. She wanted to move away, to fight it, but leaned into his arms instead, relishing the warmth. He was strong and hard beneath his coat. She craved his contact as much as she feared it. She wanted to be mad, to stay angry forever, but she just couldn’t do it. Giving him the benefit of the doubt that he’d listen was one of the hardest things she’d ever had to do.

She took a deep breath. “I didn’t know I was pregnant until I had already moved to New York. I had been sick for a few weeks but I thought it was the stress, and I was so heartsick I didn’t know if I could make it through one more day.

“I’d already skipped at least one period at that point, but I had lost a bit of weight and thought that was all it was, but then I took the pregnancy test. It was positive and I was shell-shocked. I didn’t know where to turn. I couldn’t tell my parents or Mark and I couldn’t go to the University doctors since they could tell my parents. At least I think they could have.

“I made a promise to you, that night we were together, that I would make it like it never happened, and then I found out I was pregnant.”

“So what did you do?” he asked as he stroked her hair.

“I found this awesome pregnancy clinic downtown. They had the best counselors there and doctors and nurses. They were like family and they never asked anything I didn’t want to talk about. They never even knew my full name until the day I started bleeding and I had gone there for several months.

“I didn’t go home, because I couldn’t face you or my parents, and so I went about college like normal, but I just had morning sickness and everything else to deal with the pregnancy on top of it.

“Everything was fine and I got to hear the heartbeat several times and the baby was healthy and growing right on schedule. Nothing seemed out of place.