Finding Evan (13 page)

Chapter Nineteen

NESS

I wake to Evan shouting at someone on the phone. Or attempting not to shout…the terse voice he uses when he accidentally shouts and has to lower his tone. He’s louder than usual, because I’m in bed and I can hear him downstairs. I pull the bedding tighter around and bury my face into Evan’s pillow; I know who he’s talking to.

Evan’s quiet footsteps on the stairs and attempt to sneak back into the room amuses me.

“Lucy?” I ask.

He halts as if he’s been caught stealing candy, then places his phone on the desk. “Sorry, didn’t mean to wake you.”

“I never heard her call.”

“Phone was on silent. I half-expected this.”

I pull back the sheets, inviting him to come back to bed, but he’s too distracted. Ever so gradually, Evan’s other life has re-intruded. Last night, as I lay in bed in Evan’s arms, I fought with my frustration. Evan may not
realize this yet, but when I saw the trouble knit his eyebrows when he talked about Faye, I instantly pictured a second Lucy. I love Evan, but I can’t build a relationship with someone who is giving so much of himself to people who’ll give him nothing in return. Of course, his sister needs him sometimes, but he has to learn to put his own needs first. I know he needs me to understand, and I’m trying to let him closer, but I’m scared he’ll push me to one side.

“Evan?”

“Guess who’s on her way over?”

I groan and lie down, pulling the sheets over my head. “Can I be with you when you speak to her?”

“Why?”

“I want to stay in the loop this time.”

Evan rubs his face. “Okay. But she’s really pissed off…”

***

Lucy arrives in a car which rivals Evan’s for dubious roadworthiness. When she slams the door, the beige hatchback shudders.

“What the hell did you do?” Lucy is barely inside before she starts yelling. Thank God Abby’s at Jared’s.

Evan is sitting on the sofa; I can spot his tired stress, but Lucy is in her own world where only her feelings matter.

“I went to see Faye and asked her to back off,” he says in a simple tone.

Lucy throws her bag on the floor. “Why would you do that?”

“Because she’s bad news, Lucy. Can’t you see? You’ve been to her house, seen the state of her. We shouldn’t get involved.”

I decide Lucy isn’t going to offer me any kind of greeting, so I slope off to the kitchen. To make tea. Happy families. An English cure-all.

“But that’s why we
should
get involved! Those kids are our brother and sister!”

“Half. And nothing to do with us.” The edge to Evan’s tone alerts me, and I watch cautiously from the doorway.

“She called and told me to leave her alone. That she was wrong to get involved with us and we’re causing her trouble. This is all your fucking fault!”

Tears gather in Lucy’s eyes. Now I know Evan is done for. I glance at him, but to my surprise, his expression hasn’t changed.

“No. It’s all your fault. You looked for her when I asked you not to! Maybe she never wanted to be found!”

“I could hear Brandon with her asking about me!” Lucy flops into the armchair, glaring at her brother. “You had no right to interfere; if you don’t want anything to do with her, fine. But don’t stop me!”

Evan’s mask slips and he leans forward, winding his hands into his hair. “I’m involved as long as you are. And when the shit hits the fan, who’ll be called on to clean up the mess?”

I’m too scared to say anything; this isn’t my battle. And Lucy is ferocious. I’ve never seen them argue and wonder if this is a first – Evan standing up to her. The times I’ve seen them together, Evan has desperately placated her. Not this time.

“No! You don’t have to ever be involved! You live here in Leeds, with her. You can keep away from us if you want.”

Evan gives a short, bitter laugh. “Don’t you think the fact Faye gave up so easily suggests she’s not really bothered about you? That, and the fifteen year absence from your life?”

“She does care!” Lucy shoots back. “She’s only saying this because of you.”

In the following silence, I return with the mugs and set them on the table. Lucy looks at hers as if I’ve given her a cup of poison, then to me, as if she’s noticing I’m here for the first time since she arrived.

“What do you think, Ness?” she demands, shaking brown curls from her face.

“I don’t want to get involved; this is between you two,” I reply, keeping my tone soft.

“Did you tell him to do this?” she demands.

“What? Why? Evan does what he wants
.
I
don’t try and control his life.”

Fuck
. Lucy’s face darkens, and she’s taken my words as an underlying dig at their relationship. I didn’t intend to, but this underscores everything, and I can’t hold back any longer.

“And I do?” s
he asks coldly.

“I didn’t say that.”

“Well, since he met you, he’s said similar things to me. Like he thinks I’m controlling his life.”

Evan tempers his tone, giving me a confused glance. “Not because of Ness, Lucy. Because I’m trying to live my own life. You know things have been hard for everyone over the last few years. But you're getting better; things are under control. We need to move apart. Not just to other towns.”

Whoa. How did a meeting about his mum turn into this?

“I’m perfectly fucking aware I need to learn to deal with my disorder without you. I have psychs telling me as much. I get that. And I am; I’m owning this and moving on. I've been stable since summer, and I'm staying on the meds. I get it now, okay?
But it doesn’t mean you have to push me out of your life! You don’t want me anymore.”

“What the fuck? I come and see you every month, see how you’re going. It’s not like I’ve moved to the other side of the world.”

"You don't have time for me! You've changed and it's because of her!”

“What?” I say, and glance at Evan, but his face is the mask he uses to cover his hurt.

This girl is seriously screwed up. Lucy may be bipolar, but there's something more happening here. Evan doesn’t need to look after this Lucy, but he still is; he's meeting the need he created, and allowing this unhealthy relationship. Of course, she'll need his help sometimes, but Lucy seems to expect him to fix everything for her. But how do I get him to admit this to himself?

"I've changed because of me. Because I need to. I'm trying to move on, Lucy, and so should you!"

I watch Lucy warily, remembering the night she attacked Evan outside the pub. But that Lucy was unmedicated. This Lucy is medicated, but still a mess and it won't get fixed with pills. I don’t think Evan is the right person to help.

“You know what? Fuck you, Evan. I’m seeing her still. And my brother and sister. I’m pretty sure Mum only told me to back off because you did.” She stands.

Evan’s jumps to his feet too. “Don’t be fucking stupid!”

“Tell her about the other guy,” I say quietly.

“No!”

I recoil at his vehemence. “Okay…”

“What guy?” Lucy demands. Evan presses his lips together, and I pick at the edge of the sofa. “What guy?”

“Some guy. Faye’s boyfriend.”

“What about him?”

“He’s probably not the sort of person you want in your life,” says Evan.

“Well, that’s another reason!” Lucy grabs her bag. “If there’s some guy in her life who’s bad news, she definitely needs me.”

Now I understand the reason I should’ve kept my mouth shut.

The Lucy-tornado leaves.

Evan picks his mug up and cups his hands around it, knuckles whitening. “Why did you say that, Ness?”

“I didn’t think. I thought she’d stay away if she knew she might get threatened.”

“Well done; you made things worse.”

He slams the mug on the table, and tea sloshes onto the wooden veneer. Grabbing his coat, he leaves the house. Several minutes later, Lucy’s car starts, and the noise fades as she drives away. I don’t need to check if he’s out there. I know the answer.

Evan left and went with his sister.

My mind replays last year, remembering the Evan with his life choked from him by Lucy. My stupidity in thinking I could stop this, give him a safe place to uncover the real Evan hits me. How ironic Evan walks around thinking he’s the one not good enough, when he’s got me second in line after his sister. Every time Evan runs to Lucy when he doesn't need to, he runs a little further away from me.

Chapter Twenty

EVAN

“What the hell are you doing?” I yell at Lucy, as she stands by the car.

Lucy walks up to me, pulls herself as close to my height as she can, and stares into my eyes. “I’m going to see her. Now. Tell her you were wrong.”

“Faye? Don’t be stupid! She told you to keep away!”

Lucy pulls her curls from her face and winds them into a ponytail, pushing the band she has on her wrist around the hair. “No
,
yo
u
told her t
o
tel
l
me to keep away.”

I slam my hands on the side of the car. “Please, Lucy. Let this go. We know who she is, and she’s bad news. Let’s leave it.”

Lucy runs her tongue along her teeth and continues to study me. Without a word, she opens the driver door and climbs in.

I pull open the other door and lean in. “Don’t go now!”

“Why not?” She pulls on her seatbelt.

“Trust me; turning up without telling her is not a good idea.”

“You can’t stop me from seeing her!”

I picture the guy from the other day, the one who threatened me, and I’m scared Lucy’s going to drive straight into a similar situation. We could be causing Faye trouble by doing this. Or Lucy could get hurt.

Climbing into the car, I pull on my seatbelt too. “Let’s go somewhere. Chat about this.”

“Talk me out of going, you mean?” She fixes me with a hard Lucy look.

“I’ll tell you about the guy she’s with. And then you can call Faye and organize a time, instead of storming down there.”

Lucy taps her fingers on the steering wheel, considering my words. At least she’s listening. “Okay. Now? I’ll drive us somewhere to talk. Alone.”

I glance at the house. To Ness. What the hell just happened there with Ness and Lucy? I inhale. This has to be the last time. I think I’m running out of chances.

***

NESS

I sit on the sofa, flipping my phone in my hands. I’m close to calling someone and venting about Evan. Here I am, thinking he’s making an effort to cut ties to Lucy and the situation with his mum, but he's pulling himself in deeper. Hurting himself more. Lucy insults me, and what does he do? Goes after her. When am I going to get the hint; I’m less important than his sister? I’d cry if I wasn’t so fucking furious.

Abby’s with Jared. I don’t want an Ollie lecture, and apart from them, there’s no one else I want to speak to. I rub my eyes. Study.

I’m stuck into the dreaded Anatomy books when someone knocks on the door. I answer to find an uncomfortable looking Evan on the doorstep.

“Where is she?” I ask stiffly.

“Gone home.”

“I thought you’d gone with her. To see your mum…Faye.”

“Can I come in?” Evan watches me warily. He knows he’s fucked up. I step back and he comes inside.

What I want to say has circled my head for the last two hours, and Evan’s about to find out that coming straight back here wasn’t a great idea. If he thinks Lucy was pissed off, he’s got something even worse coming from me. I close my eyes and ground myself, fighting down the anger. I can’t.

“What the hell did you go after her for?” I snap, before he has a chance to speak.

“Everything’s confusing, Ness.” Evan perches on the edge of the sofa, rubbing a hand across his face.

“I can simplify things if you like.” I sit opposite him.

“What?” His sharp tone shows he knows what’s coming.

“There’s a lot of demands on our time we have together. Demands on you. Lucy’s bipolar is under control, but she still relies on you. You’re enabling this behavior.”

“That’s unfair. The stuff with Faye…”

I’m not in the mood for listening. “You said yourself, Lucy made the choice. You shouldn’t have interfered; you should’ve just backed off and left her to it.”

“I can’t.”

“Why?” I fight down the rising tone in my voice.

“I just can’t. Not because I want to get to know Faye, but because I’m worried about Lucy. What happens if this makes her ill?”

Something in my mind snaps and I launch into him. “You know what I think? I think Lucy’s holding you back exactly as before, because you’ve taught her to rely on you. You’re both twenty- years-old. She needs to grow up and look after herself.”

Evan watches me with his mouth open. I’ve held onto this stuff for months. No more.

“Ness…”

“Okay, she’s bipolar, but this isn’t bipolar. This is manipulation. This is psychological bullshit and she needs help. You’re making her like this.”

“That’s not fair!”

“Evan, how many weekends have we spent together since we came back from Europe?” I raise an eyebrow.

“But the stuff with Faye…”

“Which you said you didn’t want to be involved in. And you are. Because Lucy made you. I can understand how huge this is for you. For you. Not only Lucy. Again, you spend too much time worrying about the effect this has on her, and refusing to deal with the effect on you, Evan. Because it has affected you and you won’t admit it or deal with it!”

I finally silence him, and Evan’s stunned expression is better than his favoredclosed-down one, I suppose. “Not dealing with the emotions that this has dragged up has made you insecure; look at the stuff with Ollie. You need to think wha
t
yo
u
want in life. And to do those things. The most important person in all of this, the one you should focus on, is you.”

Evan rests back and looks at the ceiling. “I want things to be easy.”

“Things are never easy. But you can make them easier by doing what makes you happy.”

“Us. Us makes me happy. Life here. When I’m with you, I feel the bad stuff stops existing. That I can do anything.” He’s earnest, eyes fixed on mine.

“And Lucy stops you.”

The whole time I talk, I wait for him to defend his sister, but I suspect I’m telling him things he’s been told by the
counselor he saw.

Realization
hits. Maybe I’m enabling him too?

“This is the last time, Evan. I can’t keep on like this. If you want us to work, you have to back off Lucy more. Treat her like a normal sister, not like your child. When she's unwell and needs you, I can understand, but not this. And the jealousy. Evan, I can’t deal with mistrust and jealousy. You can’t push your insecurities onto me. Us.”

“I’m not jealous! We went through this,” he protests.

I pull a face. “I saw how you looked at me and Ollie the other night. You haven’t let the jealousy go. You need to.”

Evan inhales sharply. “Fine! But you spend more fucking time with him than me!”

I snap my head back. It’s true. He hasn’t changed. “Because I’m studying with him! And I spend almost as much with Jared and Sunita. Don’t use this as an excuse!”

“I’m not!”

Raking my hands through my hair, I stand. His denial and refusal to listen to what I’m telling him hurts. The anger builds pressure in my head, and I don’t want to go down this path so far that it pushes us apart again. A part of me is desperate for him to take hold of me, tell me I'm right, and that we can fix this. I need him to tell me he loves me, and more than that, I need Evan to show me. And I don't think he can right now.

Evan stands too. “You make it sound like I’m the only one causing problems in our relationship.” He’s hesitant and my anger flares.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You shut me out, and not just over school. Back when I misread the Ollie situation, after I let you down over the party. You froze me out! We talked about this before, but you’re still doing it.”

I blink. “I’m not doing this! I’m too angry to talk to you right now. I think you should just go away until things calm down.”

Leaving an incredulous looking Evan on the sofa, I stomp upstairs. Sitting heavily on the bed, I inhale, heart racing and adrenaline coursing. This has to be said. Be done.

Evan appears in the doorway and rests against the frame.

“Just go! I said I can’t do this now! I’m really fucking angry with you.” I stand and move towards him, pushing him in the chest.

Evan grabs my arm and pulls it away. “I want to talk about this now. I’m not walking away and leaving things like this. You told me to open up with you. If I go, I’m running from things, aren’t I?”

Evan’s eyes are dark, and I can’t read his thoughts. His comment pisses me off even more, because he’s right. “Fine!” I pull my arm from his grip, breathing heavily.

“I love you, Ness. I will do anything to make us work. I’m torn in two here. But don’t lay all the blame at my feet. You’re not the easiest person to love sometimes; you don’t understand how much it hurt when you couldn’t tell me about the MedSoc night.”

“That’s not fair! I’m trying to change. But it’s hard for me when I see you still being held back by Lucy. Putting her before yourself. You need to live your life, not hers.”

Evan takes my hands. “I want to live ours.”

I pull my hands away, recognizing something else behind his look.

“I haven’t seen you this angry since the night in Paxos,” he says in a low voice.

Heat fires into my face. “That day was different! This is serious!”

“No, this is the same. I want to end the argument in the same way.” He reaches out to my face and I jerk away.

“We’re not in fucking Greece now!” I shout, refusing to be drawn back there.

“I wish we were in Europe. In the sun and freedom. Just me and you. None of this shit.” He pauses. “I wish I had you pinned against the wall in that quiet alleyway near our
favorite restaurant, fighting out this frustration with each other in a different way. That’s how we solved things back then.”

And I know what he’s doing. He knows what he’s doing. Memories of the raw passion from the night sends my heart-rate haywire. “Don’t fucking try that! This is real life!”

For a moment, we regard each other in challenge. My heart hammers, and I ignore the arousal the anger is being directed into. No. This won’t happen again.

“Fine.” He crosses his arms and leans against the wall.

The following silence merges my anger with desire; if I didn’t love this guy so much, I wouldn’t be fighting with him. I wouldn’t speak to him; I’d kick him out.

And now he’s ignoring me.

“Talk to me then!” I demand.

He fixes his eyes on a spot behind me. “No.”

“Why?”

His silence continues. Has he shut down? Or is he attempting to piss me off more? “If you’re not going to speak to me, go!”

No response. Frustration overwhelms and I push him in the chest. “Talk to me!”

Evan grabs my arms and drags me to him, and without a word, he roughly kisses me, tongue pushing into my mouth as I part my lips in a gasp of surprise.

I wrench me head away. “Evan!”

In response, Evan turns us round, backing me against the wall. His heart thumps against my chest, through the solid muscle pinning me in place.

“Don’t talk anymore,” he growls, and slides his hands underneath my sweater, gripping my skin.

The heat of the anger coursing my veins kindles into fire as his touch seers my skin. “You’re fucking devious!” I say hoarsely, pushing at him.

“And you are so fucking sexy when you’re angry with me.”

Suddenly and overwhelmingly, I want to channel our anger and frustrations into sex. I’m ready to fight him over this.

“Fine!” I yank at Evan’s shirt, pulling it over his head.

In response, Evan pins me against the wall with his hips, drags the sweater over my head, and then unsnaps my bra so the lacy material falls to the floor. The sensation of his smooth, hot skin against mine shocks arousal through my every nerve ending. I want him.

No, I’m angry with him.

“Move.” I writhe against his hips, but his low groan indicates this was the wrong thing to do.

“No.” He keeps me pinioned and palms my breasts, teasing my nipples.

Breathing heavily, I weigh up what to do. How far to let him go. “I. Said. Move.”

I grab Evan’s hips and push, but he’s immovable. Hot breath against my ear, he kisses my neck at the point my pulse races close to the skin, the sensation tightening my stomach. “Tell me to stop and I will.”

Momentarily, he pulls his head back, waiting for my response. I don’t give him one. The slow Evan-smile creeps across his face. And I know I’m gone.

Before I have a chance to do anything else, his lips mash mine and his hands are at the button to my jeans. Taking advantage of his distraction, I duck under one of his arms. I don’t get very far; he catches me around the waist and pushes me forward. I land face down on the bed. Before Evan can touch me again, I roll over, and as he comes over, I lash out. We wrestle, landing on the floor where I kick and push at him. He uses the opportunity to pull off my unbuttoned jeans, and when I let him, the smile grows.

Angry sex. Adrenaline fuelled lust. How quickly he tripped the fucking switch in my brain. The unexpected rawness to his actions feeds my own arousal and I’m turned on, body betraying me.