Finding Home (23 page)

“Hey, you said you wouldn’t get upset.” He
turned me towards him again. This time his touch was not gentle.
“I’ve been obsessed with you forever.”

“But having me followed is obscene!” I cried.
“I can’t tolerate that. It’s like something out of a bad movie. Oh
Nick,
how could you?
”

“Wasn’t the least bit difficult,” he said.
“Expensive, but not difficult.”

“You really think money can get you just
whatever you want?” I yelled. I hadn’t felt so angry since working
at the Children’s Agency. Not even when Jay had let me down. At
least Jay had had a good reason for his behavior. Nick didn’t. He
had no excuse at all. “You think you can buy me and my baby?”

“Well, hey,” he said. “Here we are together.”
He nuzzled my breasts, a move usually guaranteed to make me weak
with desire.

But now his teasing tongue repulsed me.
“Nick! Stop it!” I pushed him away. “There’s something else I have
to know.”

“Anything, anything,” he murmured, pressing
himself up against me again.

“The part about the baby, you suggesting that
I have your baby. Was that premeditated too? Is that why you tried
so hard to find me?”

Nick massaged the small of my back while my
baby stretched and poked, making my stomach stick out at odd
angles. He actually laughed. “No, that was completely unexpected,”
he said. “I hadn’t thought beyond finding you again. It only
occurred to me that day when we got talking. Total bonus. Before
that, I figured I’d divorce Kiera and find somebody else who could
have a kid.”

I felt very tired then, and far too old to be
pregnant. My baby stopped moving and lay like a lead weight inside
me. A severe cramp locked into my leg, and I had to stand up and
walk around. I paused in front of the fireplace and stared at Jay’s
drawing. Suddenly I wanted Jay and the lodge so much I wished I
could die right there on the spot.

Why would I want to go on living without
them? I’d meant it when I said what I felt for Nick was lust. It
was Jay I loved. But there wasn’t a thing I could do about it. Jay
didn’t want me, and I couldn’t have the lodge and my baby too.

So where did that leave me? Alone and
pregnant in an isolated house with a disturbed, desperate man. Who
thought he was the father of my child.

I didn’t want to believe what Nick had just
told me. Could he really have had someone follow me? And yet in my
heart I knew he had. I’d spoken too soon when I’d told him I wasn’t
afraid of him. I felt scared to death.

How was I going to get out of this?

But I was too drowsy to deal with reality. I
was pregnant. All I really wanted to do was sleep. I fell back into
bed, cuddling beside Nick as if nothing had happened. I knew I
needed to be careful he didn’t suspect how I felt. I’d have to fake
it for the rest of the weekend, then figure out what to do.

On Sunday morning, early spring sunshine
exposed our confined, decadent life like a searchlight. For the
first time I noticed that without Phoebe around to attend to
details, Malagash’s well-kept glow had faded to a film of dust on
every surface. The red roses had wilted and dead brown petals had
dropped all around. In the kitchen, dirty dishes clogged the sink,
crumpled serviettes, crusts and crumbs littered the countertops and
table.

My body felt restored after a long, deep
sleep, but my mind was still confused and troubled. Nick had had me
followed! What the hell was I going to do? But that worry, on top
of the mess the house was in, made me feel drowsy all over again.
So after breakfast I dragged a wing chair over to the sun by the
French doors of the living room, hoping to sit, comatose, and
ignore everything.

But Nick had a different agenda. He followed
me into the living room and confronted me with, “So, how did you
know about Kiera and MacLaren anyway?”

I could hardly speak for yawning. “Oh, you
know, just a girl thing, I guess.” I tried to sound bored, as if
their affair was nothing, not worth the breath it would take to
discuss. No way was I going to tell him about that day in the snow
storm when I’d discovered them together.

“She told you, didn’t she?” There was a snarl
in Nick’s voice I didn’t like at all. It reminded me of the way
certain hunters at the lodge sounded when I resisted their
advances. “I know she did,” he said, “the bitch.”

“Nick!” I didn’t appreciate his language, and
I really didn’t want to talk about Kiera and Angus. “C’mon, really,
I just figured it out. I mean, I live here and all, she didn’t have
to tell me.”

“Yes she did!” Nick cried. “She couldn’t
resist, she had to flaunt it.”

“Oh, please Nick.” I leaned back and closed
my eyes. “She was very discrete, she didn’t want anyone to
know.”

“There, you see? She did tell you. You
lied!”

I forced my eyes back open and stared at him,
wondering how to answer. He was pacing the lovely golden-yellow
room, glowering. I could feel my baby squirming; unlike me she was
quite lively today. I rested my hands on my bump, fingers laced
together. The gesture reminded me of a Sunday school rhyme I’d once
had to learn in a foster home.

With palms together, fingers laced to the
inside and index fingers raised, you were supposed to say, “Here is
the church, here is the steeple.” Then you opened your hands and
wriggled your fingers and said, “Open the doors, and there’s all
the people!”

I smiled to myself, remembering a certain
foster mother’s righteous anger when I’d showed it to her children
backwards. Palms together, fingers laced outside, I’d chanted,
“Open the doors, and where’s all the people? All gone, see? Ha, Ha,
nobody wanted to go to church!” I hadn’t thought it was such a bad
thing to do, it was just for fun, but she didn’t consider an empty
church any joke, and marched me right back to the Castle.

“What the hell are you grinning at?” Nick’s
voice jolted me back to the present. “You think it’s funny my
wife’s cheating on me?”

I warned myself to be cautious. He was
starting to sound like defensive clients at the Children’s Agency
just before they cracked and went berserk. “Of course not,” I said,
keeping my voice calm. “I was just remembering something, that’s
all.”

“What?”

“I really don’t have the energy for
this.”

“Tell me.”

I sighed and stifled a yawn. “Forget it,
Nick.” I smoothed my dress, admiring the swirly navy and green
paisley pattern. “It was irrelevant anyway.”

“Oh sure,” Nick said. “What are you
hiding?”

“Nothing. Not a bloody thing.” I turned away
from him to squint out over the sea, which under the dazzling sun
gleamed a harsh gunmetal gray, shattered with crystal whitecaps.
“It’s such a waste to relive the past.”

Nick strode to my chair and leaned close,
right in my face. “You just don’t want me to know about all the men
you’ve had.”

“That’s total crap!” I jumped up so fast I
saw stars and had to rest back down, dizzy. I knew it was just from
my pregnancy, but still it unnerved me. “Nick please, you’ve got to
stop this. It’s bad for the baby if I get upset.”

Nick strode to the French doors and stood
glaring out, hands stuffed in his pockets. “Okay, okay, forget it.”
From where I sat I couldn’t see his face or hairline. He looked
like a college kid, an impeccable preppy, in tan cords, black and
tan sweater, polished loafers. I thought how different he’d turned
out from what I would have expected in high school. “So what else
did Kiera tell you?” he demanded.

“God, Nick. Nothing.”

He whirled around, his face contorted with
rage. “Bullshit! What else did she say?”

This time I stood up very slowly. “Okay,
fine. I’ll tell you. But just remember, you asked for it.” I wanted
him to shut up about Kiera. But even more, I wanted to hurt him. I
wanted to pay him back for having me followed. For acting like he
owned me. For not being Jay. “She told me she’s pregnant with Angus
MacLaren’s child.”

Nick’s face went white. He didn’t speak. He
just barged out of the room, and I heard the library door slam.

I sat back down, stunned. What was wrong with
this guy? I’d tried to ignore his other mood swings, but this was
too much. How could I even consider spending the rest of my life
with him? Or letting him anywhere near my baby? At that moment, I
realized, I didn’t even want to stay in the house with him.

I crept down the hall and called through the
library door, “Nick? I’m just going for walk I’ll probably go to
town, so I might be gone a while.”

He burst out immediately. “Hey wait,” he
said. “I’ll go with you. I could use some fresh air too.” His voice
sounded contrite, but his breath smelled of liquor.

We walked in silence towards Airdrie Bay. The
bright sun was not the least bit warm, and a raw wind blasted in
off the sea. Finally, when we reached the village, Nick said, “I’m
really sorry I yelled at you. I’ve just been so stressed at work,
and financially things are rough too.” He took my hand. “And Kiera
being pregnant, that’s a bit of a shock. How about if we buy some
fresh food and I make dinner tonight? I can get a late flight, or
go back tomorrow.”

I did feel sorry I’d told him about Kiera.
Even though it affected me, it wasn’t up to me to break the news.
And knowing Angus MacLaren was also the father of my baby just made
it worse. Nick would freak if he ever found that out.

I understood his stress over work too. I
could well remember how awful I’d felt my last year working at the
Children’s Agency, how many irrational bouts of fury I’d had just
before I quit. “Sure, if the store’s open. Go see, I’ll check the
mailbox.”

There was a lot of mail, but only one item
for me. A letter from Jay. I thought about dropping it into the
garbage, but couldn’t let it go. Instead I stuffed it, unopened,
into the pocket of my dress. The rest of the mail I carried in the
cloth shopping bag I’d brought for groceries.

I found Nick in the store bemoaning the lack
of choice for gourmet cooking. We ended up with an iceberg lettuce,
green beans and hot-house tomatoes, overpriced apples and oranges,
a box of pasta. In a fit of guilt over my baby’s nutrition I also
picked up some brown bread and yogurt.

I was starving when we arrived back at
Malagash and started eating an apple while we unpacked the other
food. Nick came over to share a bite of it and as he touched me,
felt Jay’s letter in my pocket.

He yanked it out. “What’s this?”

“Looks like a letter,” I said. “Addressed to
me, not you.”

“Not with the rest of the mail, I see. Why’d
you hide it?”

“I didn’t.” I took another bite of apple,
chewed and swallowed before I continued. “I just put it there
because I couldn’t be bothered reading it.”

Nick gripped my shoulders and shook me. “It’s
from that guy, isn’t it,” he yelled. “You’re just like Kiera,
fooling around behind my back.”

The apple dropped from my hand. “That’s
ridiculous and you know it. I can’t believe you said that.”

“Yeah? Well, I don’t know anything. You don’t
talk about the past, remember?”

I knew better than to answer that. I swatted
him off me, took the letter and held it in front of his eyes.
“Nick, look, I didn’t even open it.” I put it back in my pocket and
sliced myself some bread, made a sandwich with the pathetic lettuce
and tomatoes, poured a big glass of milk. “I think I’ll have a nap
this afternoon,
by myself
,” I said. “See you later.”

Up in my room I tore open Jay’s letter:

My dearest Lucienne,

Not sure quite what you’re doing or why, but
I want you to know I’ll always be here if you ever change your
mind. I am truly sorry I didn’t come up to the lodge when you
wanted to buy it. I would live in Quebec or even outer space if you
asked me to.

Becky can stay in Vermont by herself, if
that’s what she wants. What I want is you. No questions asked. Come
to me anytime, please, I beg you. Give me another chance.

I will love you forever,

Jay

After reading that I burst into tears, just
the way I had that day back in the fall when I’d first told Kiera
about him.

What had I done, deciding never to see Jay
again?

How could I have let Becky come between
us?

Sure, Jay had some problems dealing with
Becky. He let her control him. But wasn’t that exactly what I
wanted, to have him do whatever I said? To have him all to myself?
Maybe I’d simply been jealous all along. I’d wanted to own him the
way Nick wanted to own me.

Before I was pregnant, I hadn’t been able to
recognize that Jay’s love for his daughter was different from his
love for me. Not greater. Just different. Now that I was going to
be a mother, I saw that the two kinds of love could exist side by
side, enriching each other.

I lay on the bed sobbing, aware of Jay’s
drawing of Auberge Ciel on the mantle as if the place itself, the
place I’d wanted to call home, was watching over me. I felt as if
I’d betrayed everything I really loved: Jay, the lodge, our camp. I
couldn’t even bear to think about the situation I’d created for my
baby.

I cried until I fell asleep, waking at dusk
to the tantalizing aroma of tomato sauce cooking. I rose, starving,
and hurried down to the kitchen. I wanted to call Jay right away,
but I knew I had to protect myself. There was still Nick, volatile
and unpredictable, to contend with. I had to put him off track, so
I tossed Jay’s letter on the counter. “Read it, Nick. I don’t want
any secrets between us.”

It was a gamble, I knew. But Nick reacted
just as I’d hoped. “No,” he said. He set down the spoon he was
stirring the sauce with and tucked the letter back into my pocket.
“It’s none of my business.” He drained the glass of wine on the
counter beside him, poured himself another. He put his arms around
me and kissed me. “I’m sorry I ever mentioned it.”