Finding Home (26 page)

I reached Montpelier, Vermont late the next
day. I’d blocked everything from my mind and just driven for hours.
But when I stopped briefly to stretch and pee and brush my hair,
fear crept up on me.

What if Jay wasn’t home? I knew he’d be in
the middle of Winter Recess. What if he’d taken Becky off to
Florida or something?

Of what if he was home, but didn’t want me?
What if, when he saw me, he changed his mind? What if he couldn’t
accept my pregnancy?

And what if I was just running away from a
tough situation as I had in the past? Like the way I’d left the
Wembles and Middleford. Like the way I’d left my job at the
Children’s Agency.

But surely this was different.

This time I wasn’t leaping blindly into the
unknown. This time I knew what I wanted. I wanted my baby. I wanted
Auberge Ciel. And I wanted Jay, even if I had to share him with
Becky.

I understood now how he’d felt. I knew I
wouldn’t abandon my baby for anything. So just because his baby was
a grown woman, why should he? I was sure we could work out our
differences over Becky.

And then I was back on the interstate,
hurtling towards Burlington. As I approached the city the sun hung
low, highlighting those solid red-brick buildings, shining silvery
over the lake.

I didn’t even consider phoning ahead. I just
sped straight to Jay’s house. Then, driving down his street, I
slowed up.

There was a For Sale sign on his front
lawn.

What was going on?

Knowing the car wouldn’t be recognized, I
parked across the street and stared. Mounds of snow still clung to
the lawn. But there in the shoveled drive, on the court he’d built
for Becky when she started playing wheelchair basketball, stood
Jay. He was wearing his old Knicks sweatshirt, high-tops and faded
jeans. When he swooped his arm up to shoot a basket he looked so
good I started to cry all over again.

How could I have wasted so much time being
stubborn and jealous?

Jay had done so much for Becky, even
renovated this house for her, and I’d been too dense to see that
didn’t lessen his feelings for me.

But why was the house for sale? That didn’t
make any sense at all.

And where was Becky? Why wasn’t she out there
too, shooting baskets, spinning about in her sport chair?

I watched as Jay dribbled the ball with lanky
grace and took another shot. He missed, jumped for the rebound and
slam-dunked.

I could feel my baby bouncing about inside
me. “This is it, kid,” I said. She gave a little kick, as if to
say, go for it! I honked the horn and turned the Mercedes up the
drive.

The ball slipped out of Jay’s hands when he
saw the car. It rolled across the lawn and into the street. Jay
kind of tripped over his big feet chasing it, then gave up and just
stood there staring.

I clambered out. “Hey,” I said, wobbling as I
stood, arms wrapped around my baby. “It’s me, here I am.”

Jay took two strides and held me like he’d
never let go. “Oh Jesus,” he said, “oh Jesus, Luce. You’re
pregnant?”

I couldn’t speak. Tears of love and joy
streamed down my cheeks.

Jay stepped back from me then, stared long
and hard at my shape. “Yeah, you’re definitely pregnant.”

“Yeah,” I said. “How’d you guess?” I threw my
arms around him then as best I could with my extra front bulk. I
buried my face in his chest. “Do you still want me?” The words came
out in an unsure little foster girl voice.

Jay made a sobbing sound like he might start
to cry, too. “You know I do,” he said. He pulled a bandanna from
his pocket and wiped my tears. “Hey now, it’s okay, everything’s
okay.”

“And my baby?” I needed to be sure.

“Of course,” Jay said. “Didn’t you get my
letter? No questions asked.”

“But I’ll tell you everything anyway.”

Jay slid his hands around to feel my belly.
“Whatever,” he said.

“Hey!” I cried. “What’s with the For Sale
sign? And where’s Becky?”

“Beck’s moved to an apartment,” he said. “Her
trust fund will pay for a companion to live with her.” He held me
at arm’s length and looked me right in the eye. “And I figured out
that it doesn’t have to be me. I’m her father, not her
husband.”

“But,” I said. “But where, but how?”

“We started looking for a place last fall,
and when something suitable came up for the first of March, she
took it.” He placed a curious hand on my belly again and smiled. “I
spent last week helping her get settled and listing this house.
When it’s sold I’ll have my equity for our camp.”

“But,” I said, pulling him close. “But I
ignored your calls and letters and stuff, even the roses. Hey,
thanks for the roses! So how’d you know I’d come?”

“I didn’t.” He rested his chin against my
head. “It was something I had to do for myself. It was time to let
Becky be independent, live her own life, and time to get on with
mine.” His arms tightened around me. “And I want to share it with
you.”

“Okay.” I inhaled the familiar smell of him,
kissed the smooth skin of his neck, reached my hands up to touch
his hair. “I could go for that.”

“I was coming to find you, you know,” he
said. “Kiera gave me directions and I was heading out in the
morning.”

“Oh,” I said. “Oh Jay, I’ve been such a
fool.”

“Haven’t we all?” He took my arm and lead me
towards the house. “Come on inside,” he said. “Put your feet up and
I’ll make you some dinner.”

P. S.

Well, that’s it, sweetheart. I returned to
Auberge Ciel while Jay finished out his teaching year. Then he
resigned and we bought the lodge and Kiera and Angus invested in
Camp Ciel. Jay made it up here in time to coach me through your
birth, and he has always been a father to you.

I can only hope Nick, that poor tormented
man, is at peace. And I know now that I am innocent. I did what I
had to do and I can’t change that. I might have made him crazy for
awhile, but I didn’t kill him. I didn’t tell him to get on his bike
and act irresponsibly. Kiera was right. Nick made that choice
himself.

Rereading this, I can see that I got carried
away with my memories and told you more than is appropriate for a
twelve-year-old. I can just hear you saying, “Mom! Stop! TMI!” So
I’ll put this away until you’re older. But I’ll know that it’s
ready to share with you when the time is right.

For now though, I’ll have to find the courage
to tell you that Angus is your biological father, and Quinn your
half-brother. I hope with all my heart that you can understand and
forgive me.

I cherish this place, the lodge and the lake
and the hills. But you are what makes me feel I belong in this
world. My love for you is stronger, more powerful than anything I
could ever have imagined. You are more precious than my own
life.

You are my home.

###

Thanks for reading!

Elizabeth Sage is the pen name of YA writer
Jocelyn Shipley. Jocelyn writes for both adults and teens, and
lives in Toronto and on Vancouver Island, Canada.

Connect with her online:
http://www.jocelynshipley.com

Twitter:
http://twitter.com/sageshipley

Facebook:
https://www.facebook.com/JocelynSageShipley

Smashwords:
https://www.smashwords.com/profile/view/sageshipley