Finding Home (3 page)

“I was afraid you were gonna die,” I said softly and then I felt his hand take mine.  I’d always imagined his hands to be rough and calloused, especially after his time in the army, but they weren’t.  As his hand held mine, it was warm and soft. 

“Me too.”  His voice was shaky and when I glanced over to him again, his eyes were closed and I wondered what he was thinking about.  His brow was creased and I knew his thoughts were not peaceful ones.  He looked scared and when he opened his eyes, I knew he was. “Sometimes I think I should’ve died.”

“Don’t say that,” I interrupted quickly.

“I wonder why I’m still here and they’re not.” I watched his throat as it bobbed from a hard swallow. 

“You’re here because you’re supposed to be here.”

“That’s bullshit.  I’m here because I’m lucky and they weren’t.”

By the look on his face, I knew he was serious.  He believed it was all luck when I knew it wasn’t.

“It wasn’t luck, Brandon.  You’re here because you’re supposed to be here.” I was trying to choke back the tears.  I’d always been a sap and cried at the drop of a hat, but the tears I was fighting this time were real.  I didn’t want my friend to think it was just chance that he was still alive. 

“You can think that, Mandy, but I don’t.”

“Why don’t you believe it?”

“Because the other guys were better than me.  So much better.  Harper had a wife and two kids.  Foster only had a couple of months left.  He was gonna be a doctor, but they’re gone and I’m still here.  They’re dead and a cocky asshole like me isn’t.”

My eyes filled with tears as I listened to Brandon, but I bit them back and looked right into his eyes. 

“I’m so sorry about your friends,” I said and then squeezed his hand tightly. “But, I’m glad my friend is still here.  Their lives were no more valuable than yours.”

He didn’t say anything, but he looked away, turning his eyes back to the sky.  He pulled his hand from mine and I wondered if he was mad at me. 

“I don’t know what you’re going through,” I said quietly. “But if you need anything, I’m here, okay?”

“I know,” he answered just as quietly. “You’re always taking care of everyone.”  He stopped talking and he sat up, looking down at me. “I’m glad you’re here, Mandy.  I missed you.”

I sat up too and I leaned in, hugging him tightly as his arms wrapped around me.

“I missed you too.”

When we let go of each other, we leaned back into the grass, listening to the flowing water of Slate Creek and the humming of the radio.  We didn’t say anything else.  We didn’t need to, but then I felt him take my hand again and he moved his body a little closer to mine.  He was home and he was safe.  I just hoped he realized how happy I was about that. 

Two

I didn’t recognize the pick-up truck when I pulled up to Brandon’s house a few days later.  It was big and gray and looked like it cost a bundle.  I was almost ashamed to pull my little P.O.S. next to it.  Riley’s car was there though, the same silver Jetta she’d had since high school.  I trotted up the stairs, excited to spend the evening with Brandon and Riley.  We didn’t have any plans.  We’d probably just watch a movie or grab a bite to eat.  It didn’t matter to me though.  At least I wasn’t at home. 

I knocked, but didn’t wait for an answer.  I knew his parents were both at work and Brandon wouldn’t mind if I went in.  I walked quickly towards the living room and then stopped in my tracks as my eyes tried to register what I was seeing.  A face I hadn’t seen in almost three years and never expected to see again was staring back at me.  Jesse Baylor was sitting in Brandon’s living room.  When he left, none of us ever thought we’d see him again.  He hadn’t contacted any of us that I knew of, but now he was sitting before me.  I knew my mouth was hanging open like an idiot, but I was shocked.  Then my eyes moved to Riley, who was sitting in a chair across from Jesse’s spot on the couch.  I didn’t know how to read her face, but she looked uneasy and I knew she couldn’t be comfortable after what Jesse had done to her.  Even despite this, I couldn’t stifle the excitement I felt at seeing Jesse sitting there.  One of my best friends since kindergarten, who’d basically vanished, was back and I felt my lips curl up into a smile and I knew I was going to cry.  I tried not to, but I couldn’t help it, and when I blinked, the tears came.

“Jesse,” I whispered softly as I looked at him and then my voice got stronger.  “Jesse!” He stood up and I rushed to him, throwing my arms around him. “What are you doing here?” I sniffled and wiped my eyes.

“I came to see Brandon.”

“Well,” I said, looking around at all my friends, the huge smile still on my face. “This is…well…I don’t know the words, but this is awesome!  I didn’t think we’d ever see you again, Jesse.” I couldn’t help myself, and I reached over and hugged him again. “Does Holly know you’re here?” I asked him, but he shrugged his shoulders. “Well, Holly has to know because she’d want to see you.  We have to get together…the way it used to be!” 

“Slow down, Mandy.” Brandon’s voice interrupted my excitement and I looked over to him. “We don’t even know how long Jesse’s in town for.”

“Well, let’s ask him then.” I turned to Jesse and asked, “How long are you here for?”

“I…I haven’t decided yet.” 

“Then we have to get together before you leave.  I’m gonna text Holly right now,” I said, whipping out my phone and I started texting her. “It’s too bad Laura’s all the way in Oklahoma.  We should all be together.  It’s been for…” I continued to ramble excitedly and then I looked up and saw Riley’s face.  She looked mortified and I realized how insensitive I was being. “I’m sorry,” I winced, realizing I was once again, being a total airhead. “I got too excited and I didn’t even think about you two.”

“You’re fine, Mandy,” Riley said and then I looked over to Jesse who smiled at me.

“It’s okay,” he added.

“Should I send the text then?” I asked nervously, my finger hovering over the send button. 

“It’d be nice to see Holly,” Jesse said and I decided to go ahead and send the text. 

“Great!” I said, pushing the send button. “Text is sent.”

Jesse sat down and I sat beside Riley.  The room was too quiet, but then my phone beeped and I read the text from Holly. 

“Okay…so…Holly is stoked you’re in town and totally wants to get together.  She can’t come tomorrow, but she’ll be in town Friday afternoon.  How does that work for everyone?”

They all looked at me and nodded and I smiled in excitement.  I couldn’t wait for all of us to be together again. 

“Excellent!  Where should we meet up?” I asked and then immediately looked over to Jesse.  We’d always gone to his house to hang out.  “What about your place, Jess?  I mean, it only makes sense.  That’s where we always hung out.  Can we meet there?  Ya know, make burgers, go four wheeling?”

“Um…yeah…why not?” Jesse said, shrugging his shoulders, but then Riley interrupted. 

“If you’re not up to it…” she said, but then Jesse cut her off.

“It’s fine, Riley,” he interrupted, looking over to her. “It’ll be good to have the company.”

Riley’s phone buzzed then and she looked down at it before looking back to us. 

“Um…my mom wants me to join her for dinner with my grandma tonight,” she said as she read the text. “I’m sorry to bail, but I’ll see you guys on Friday.  Text me the details, okay, Mandy?”

“Yeah, sure,” I said, wishing she wasn’t leaving.  I knew it had to be awkward for her, but I thought maybe if she and Jesse talked they could work things out and who knows what could happen?  I knew it had been a long time and I knew Jesse had broken Riley’s heart when he left, but I also thought they belonged together and even if that didn’t happen, I wanted them to be friends again. 

“Have fun,” she said and walked out before anyone could say anything else.  I noticed how Jesse’s eyes followed her the whole way out and then he turned back to us and Brandon started to laugh.

“I don’t think that could’ve been any more awkward,” he said.

“It was fine,” Jesse said.

“Bullshit, Jess, and don’t even try and deny you were staring at her ass on the way out.” 

“So, he’s still a dick?” Jesse asked, turning to me and I tried not to laugh.

“I’m not a dick.  I just call it like I see it.  I don’t blame you though.  Riley’s got a great ass.  Always has.” 

I don’t know why his comment caused me to look down at the floor.  It’s not like he was saying anything that wasn’t true.  I knew Riley was pretty.  Everyone knew Riley was pretty.  I’d just never heard Brandon say anything about her. 

“I wasn’t staring at her ass,” Jesse said, standing up. “And don’t talk about her like that.”  Brandon just rolled his eyes.

“Sorry, Saint Jesse.”

“Ya know, I think I’m just gonna head out to the shooting range.  I’ll see you guys on Friday,” Jesse said, stepping toward the door.

“Jesse, please don’t go.  I just got here.  We have so much to catch up on,” I pleaded as I walked over to him. I knew he wasn’t going to stay though, but I didn’t think it was because of Brandon.

“We’ll talk on Friday.  I just need to go.  It’s really good to see you though.”  Jesse leaned in and hugged me and then he was gone and I turned to look at Brandon who was leaning back against the couch, picking up the remote and flicking on the TV.

“Well, well.  How the evening has changed.  Are you gonna bail too?” he asked.

“No,” I sighed, sitting next to him.

“You okay?”

“I’m fine.  I just can’t believe he’s back.  Did you know he was in town?’

“Yeah, I did.”

“And you didn’t tell me?” I exclaimed, sitting up and glaring at him as I grabbed the remote and turned off the TV. 

“He just got here a couple of days ago.”

“And you couldn’t bother to tell me?”

“He wanted to keep it quiet.  We all know how Jesse is.  He’s such a drama queen,” Brandon laughed. 

“You still could’ve told me,” I mumbled and he turned to me with those puppy dog blue eyes.

“I’m sorry.  Forgive me?”

“I suppose,” I grumbled, but then turned to him. “Is he staying for a while?”

“Who the hell knows?  Now that he’s seen Riley again, my bet is that he’ll be in Carver for the foreseeable future.”

“You think so?”

“I guarantee it.  She’s his kryptonite.  Why do you think he’s stayed away so long?”

“Riley’s got a boyfriend though.  Does he know that?”

“Yeah, he knows,” Brandon answered and then it grew quiet again.

“Too bad the night’s ruined,” I said a few moments later.

“I don’t think it’s ruined.  I mean, you get to hang out with me, so how can that be a bad thing?”  He said and I just started laughing.

“Well, when you put it that way, I’d say the night is gonna be perfect.”

“Can I take you to dinner?”

“You don’t have to do that, Brandon.”

“But I want to.  Whaddya say?”

“Um…sure.  Thanks,” I said and I felt myself blush a little at the way he smiled at me. 

~~~

"I’ve always wanted to know why they call this place Big Pizza,” Brandon said.  We were sitting across from each other as he was struggling with a stubborn piece of mozzarella. “I mean, it’s not that big and it’s questionable if this can even be called pizza.” I laughed, which caused me to start coughing and I almost choked on my Dr. Pepper.  I could tell by his grin that he was pleased with the reaction he’d gotten from me.

“C’mon.  It’s not that bad,” I said once I’d gotten myself together.

“Yeah, it is,” he said, taking another bite.

“Then why’d we come here?”

“Because I haven’t been here since I’ve been back and I’ve missed how shitty it is.”

We ate in silence for a few minutes and then he looked at me, raising an eyebrow.

“So, Mandy,” he began and I wondered what he was going to say. “What have you been up to since I’ve been gone?”

“Same ol’, same ol’.  You should know that from my letters.  I’m a pretty boring person.  That much hasn’t changed.”

“I thought you were just trying to tone down how much fun you were having back home,” he said with a grin. “Thanks for the letters, by the way.  I didn’t expect you do that.”

“No need to thank me,” I said, thinking back to the weekly letters I’d write to Brandon.  He only wrote back a few times, but I knew he was busy and I hadn’t expected anything in return. I’d just wanted him to know that I was thinking about him.

“Are you seein’ anyone?” he asked a moment later.

“No,” I said quickly.

“Not at all?”

“What concern is it of yours?”

“Call me curious.”

My love life had never been something to brag about.  If someone was going to write a book about it, they’d have trouble filling even one page.  I never had a serious boyfriend in high school and once I graduated, it hadn’t been much better.  I’d gone out with a few guys, mostly guys who’d never left Carver after high school, like me.  The only one of significance was Derek Collins and that had ended over a month ago.  We’d seen each other off and on for a few months, but he was a jerk.  I’d known he was from the start.  He’d been a jerk in high school and he hadn’t changed much since.  He knew how to say the right things though and I’d fallen for it.  I’d finally had enough though and ended it once and for all and there was nothing I missed about him. 

“I was seeing Derek Collins for a while,” I said and I heard Brandon scoff.

“Derek Collins?  The same dude you were talking it up with the night of the bonfire at graduation?  That dude’s a total prick.”

“Tell me something I don’t know,” I laughed. 

“But you’re done with that asshole, right?”

“So done.”

“I’m glad to see you’ve come to your senses, Miss Dalton.”

“Why, thank you, Mr. Seaver,” I grinned at him. “And what about you?  Did you sow all of your wild oats once you left our little town?”

“I broke a few hearts,” he said with a proud grin.

“You are exactly the same,” I said with an eye roll.

“I wouldn’t say exactly.”

“You’ll never settle down, Brandon,” I told him, but I watched as his expression softened.

“A year ago, I would’ve said you were probably right.  I’m not so sure anymore.”  His voice sounded a little sad.  Since he’d been back, he seemed to dip between his old sarcastic self and a maturity I’d never seen in him before that was no doubt a result of what he’d been through.

“Are you doing okay?” I asked, staring at him across the table and resting my hand over his. 

“I’m fine, Mandy.  You don’t need to worry about me.”

“That’s a dumb thing to say.  You know I’m gonna worry about you.  But seriously,” I said, hoping he was listening to what I said.  “I know you’re some big, tough guy,” I said, smiling over to him. “But, if you ever need to talk…about anything, please, talk to me.”

I expected some snarky, smart-aleck response, but it didn’t come.  His blue eyes just stared back at me as his hand moved from under mine, clutching it gently as his thumb ran over the top of my hand. 

“Okay,” was all he said.

Dinner was a little awkward after that and I hoped I hadn’t crossed the line with him.  My friends just meant the world to me and I hated seeing them hurt.  I didn’t want to push it though.  Hopefully Brandon was okay with what I’d said.  I guess I’d find out soon enough. 

“You wanna head to Gentry’s?” he asked suddenly as we were finishing our pizza.

“That trashy bar on the other side of town?” I said, taken aback by the invite.

“C’mon!  It’s not that bad, plus it’s karaoke night.  Let’s go make ourselves feel better by laughing at some people.” The easy smirk that was so common on his face returned. “We just turned twenty-one.  Let’s take advantage of it.  It’ll be nice going into a bar legally.”