Finding Jaime (21 page)

I feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone or at least a warped version of Lala-land.

Does my dad not see this at all?

I look back and forth between my parents to see whether anybody remembers the scene that happened only ten minutes ago. Nope, not a fucking tic or scowl that would suggest anything was wrong in the slightest.

“Something wrong?” she asks before crunching some lettuce into her mouth.

I inhale slowly, calmly, and carefully release my shaky breath. My hands tremble as I pick up my fork. “Obviously not,” I mutter and take a bite of my food. I can feel my mother’s eyes on me, and I swear I can hear the gears grinding inside her head.

Yeah, go ahead. Whatever it is you want to say, just fucking say it.

“What would you like to do tomorrow?” she asks happily, and the clang of metal hitting porcelain pierces my ears. “Jaime, you need to be more careful.”

I pick up my fork and return it to its place beside my plate; my hunger is dissipating with every passing second. “I’m leaving tomorrow morning,” I say between gritted teeth, and I can no longer ignore the enormous elephant in the room. “After what you did, what you planned, do you really think I would still be staying the whole weekend?”

My dad shifts in his seat and turns his page. I want to rip the goddamn thing out of his hands and burn it.
 

My mom tucks a lock of her mousey colored hair behind her ear. “I’m sorry about you finding out like that.”

I snort an incredulous laugh. “You’re only sorry I found out? So you’re not sorry about what you did…? At all?” She flutters her eyes and purses her lips again, and her stubborn, self-righteousness is driving me insane.

“Why would I be sorry for trying to secure my daughter’s happiness?” she asks and takes another bite of her green leaves.

All of the years of her denial come flooding back, and I realize I’ve been an idiot not to speak up for myself sooner. “Because you know why!” I say, raising my voice. Her eyes widen, and my dad puts down his paper. “Mason would not make me happy, Mom. Not now, not ever.” I know who would make me happy, and as soon as I think of her, my chest aches. I stab my elbows on the table, place my hands over my face, and attempt to rub the stress from my forehead.

“So it
was
just that it was Mason,” she sighs, and her expression relaxes with relief. “Well, now I know he’s not for you.”

I rub my eyes and groan. “Oh, God!”
 
I know what’s about to happen, it’s fighting its way out of me, and I don’t think I have the strength to stop it.

My phone rings and I pull it out to check the ID.
 

Fucking perfect.
 

Joss calling me right now is not helping my situation, but it’s oddly soothing seeing her name on my screen.
 

“Who’s that now?” My mom asks, and I look up from my phone.

“Joss.” I decline the call, as I’m not even close to being ready to talk to her.

The cold stare from across the table is enough to make even my dad cringe, but I don’t react.
 
The snapping of my self-control sends a rush of courage through me; I’m not going to hold back anymore. Manners are well and truly flying the fuck out of the window, and I let myself out of the box with a wave.

“Joss is more my type.” I watch her left eye twitch, and her lips tighten.
 

“Jai—”

“I’m not going to sit here and listen to any more crap that comes out of your mouth whenever I mention another woman,” I say, and I glance at my dad whose head is snapping to and from the both of us. My mom opens her mouth again, but I stop her. “No, Mom, I’m not taking any more of your bullshit. All my life you’ve been telling me that what I feel”—I point to my chest—“is wrong. I know who I am, what I am, and no matter what you do or say is going to make the slightest difference.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” she snips, and a bitter laugh escapes my lips.

“You know perfectly well what I’m talking about. But I don’t know why it’s so hard for you to accept that.”

The chair pushes back away from my mom as she jumps out of her seat, anger pouring out of her. “Because it’s wrong!”

“It’s not!” I yell and stand up, my heart pumping so hard I can feel my pulse throbbing in my neck. “I’m so sick of you trying to change me into somebody I’m not!”

She places her hands down on the table and glares at me. “I will never accept my daughter living that way, and I will do everything I can to make you see sense.”

I pound my fist down with a thud. “I see perfect sense, and it’s not what you want, Mom.” A sly grin spreads across my face, and my brain is all out of fucks now. “In fact, I’ve been seeing sense for a while now, and she’s amazing.”

Fuck, she is. What am I doing?
 

My mother’s shrieks snap me out of my inner turmoil. “How dare you come in here and tell me of your sin. It’s wrong, and you need to leave. When you understand and return to normal, you can come back and ask for forgiveness—I will consider taking you in.”

“What the fuck? Seriously?” I throw my head back and laugh. Hi, and welcome back to the Jaime show. “Do you hear yourself? I can’t help who I am no more than you can!”

Her eyes bulge, and her fists clench tightly. “
You
chose to be this way, not me. You choose to lie with another woman.”

“When did you choose to be straight, Mom?” I ask her and look at my dad. He says nothing but turns to my mom for her answer. I can’t believe that he’s not standing up for me while she spouts her religious shit at me.

“I was born to love a man,” she spits.
 

“Then don’t you see how fucking stupid you sound? You don’t choose to be, you just are! You choose your clothes, your hairstyle, not the person inside!”

“It’s a sin!” she shrieks.

I scan my mom and note everything that’s ‘wrong’ with her. “Your jewelry is a sin. Your poly-cotton blend shirt is a sin, your fucking tattoo that you got in high school is a sin!” she gasps, but I continue on my roll. “You even had sex before marriage…and not with my father! So do you want to step outside so I can fucking stone you to death?”

She clutches at the gold crucifix around her neck. “Jaime!”

“Can we please calm down?” my dad asks, his sorrowful eyes pleading with us, but I’m too far gone to give a shit.

“You’re a fucking hypocrite, Mom. Just because you don’t like something, doesn’t mean it’s wrong. You love mayonnaise, but I wouldn’t stop you from eating it just because I hate it.”

“It’s not the same.”

“You have your tastes, and I have mine. That’s all it is, plain and simple, Mom. What does it say in the bible? Oh yeah, do unto others as you would do unto yourself.” I shake my head. “You sinned the second you opened your bigoted mouth. I’ll always remember this day as the one my mother showed her true nature, and that is something I’ll never forget…or forgive.”
 

I rush out and up to my room to grab my suitcase. I don’t even turn back as I walk out of the house, slamming the door behind me, leaving my mother red-faced and my dad upset. I don’t want to hurt inside, but the knife twists violently in my chest. He never stood up for me when she threw her bitter words in my face. Nothing in this world could get me close to understanding how any parent could stand by and watch their only child be torn down, especially by their other parent. My dad is supposed to take care of me, but seeing him not speaking up is tearing my heart in two.

I want to run to the one person who understands me, the one who I know for certain will be there for me. But no matter how much I need her right now, she also betrayed me.

But I can’t stop thinking how I feel about her.

I throw my suitcase into my car and start the engine. I check in my rearview mirror, but nobody is watching me from the house. My heart is breaking apart, and my chest is constricting with pent up fury. I don’t know whether I’m more pissed at my parents for treating me that way, or myself for allowing it to go on for all this time.

I pull out my phone and hit the screen for the voicemail and go into my deleted messages.

“Jaime, I’m sorry. You have to believe me when I say I didn’t want to keep anything from you.’ Her voice hitches as she speaks. ‘I hope you can forgive me. Just…call me.”

I have to face Joss and let her explain herself, but first I’m going to make her feel everything she did to me.

“Get ready, Joss. I’m coming for you and you’re going to pay.”

Chapter 18

There’s no way I’m going to give Joss any power over me tonight. She’s had enough control; it’s time I got some back. My ‘fuck-it’ attitude dances for joy when I bring up her name on my phone to send her a message.

‘You want to explain? Fine, you can explain. Come over now. I won’t wait for you.’

No sooner do I close the screen, when it lights up again with her name standing out on the front.

‘I’ll be there in ten minutes. Don’t go anywhere.’

I shower quickly and dress in a loose, red, mid-thigh skirt and a plain white tank. I open my closet and reach into the bottom and pull out my small chest that contains my new kink supplies. I set out my chosen objects with a satisfied smile. With Sadie over at Mitch’s tonight, I have the place to myself, and plenty of time to see my plans through.

There’s a light knock at the door and adrenaline floods through me, soaring through my veins and making every tiny hair stand on end. The part of me that wants Joss is also scared, but my logical side is still furious and has only been made worse by the fucking disownment of my family.

But what they did isn’t Joss’ fault.

I take a breath and walk out of my room to the front door. I turn the handle and open the door wide. I try to hide the catch in my breath at seeing Joss standing there, wearing a long tan-colored trench coat. I look down and see the style of shoes she wears in House.

She takes a step towards me. “Jaime—”

“Does your mom know you left?” I ask, wondering what she’s wearing underneath.
You’ll find out soon enough.

“Yes.” Joss looks around the hallway. “Can I come in?”

I step away from the door and begin to walk through the living room to my bedroom. “Lock the door after you,” I say and leave it at that, wondering if she’s going to have the balls to follow me.

I sit on my bed, but I don’t wait long. I can hear the sound of her thin heels clicking on the wooden floor getting closer.

“Close the door,” I say, turning to her.
 

Her long hair is loose and casts dark shadows across her face making her blue eyes stand out against the glow of the lamp. She bites her lower lip into her mouth, and I watch her for second before turning away.

I stand when her eyes flick to my items of choice. “Take off your coat.” She stares at me, and I raise an eyebrow. “Well?”

Joss swallows and loosens the belt at the waist, then pops each of the five buttons. I watch as she opens the coat out and lets it slide down her arms, revealing the same outfit she wore the day I met her as Butterfly. In this light, I see how the shade of purple in the stripes matches my rope and cuffs.

“Jaime, I need to tell you why—”

“Lie on the bed.” I’m not ready to hear what she has to say. I want her exposed like I was when I opened up to her. I want her to feel exactly how I felt when I thought I was confiding my secrets to somebody who had no idea who I was.

“What?”

I point to my bed. “Lie. Down. You want to tell me why you lied to me? Then you need to do as I ask first.”

“I didn’t lie, Jaime,” she says, her eyes misting.

“You’re still talking.”

Joss’ eyes flick from me to the bed and back to me. Her chest rises when she takes a deep breath and takes a careful step away from me and to the other side of the bed. I watch her as she moves, her hands fidgeting in front of her. After removing her shoes, she kneels on the bed and makes her way to the center, on top of my fresh purple covers—strangely matching her outfit—and she moves her hair to the side as she rests her head on the white pillow. Her breathing is now shallow and rushed. I feel like shit, but I need to get my point across to her. I need to make her understand.

“Move your hands out.”

Without hesitation, Joss spreads her arms wide. Her eyes watch carefully as I pick up the cuffs off my desk. Her tongue darts out across her lower lip, and a burst of arousal hits me low down in my core. I ignore it and focus on my task. I take her left wrist in my hand, and her eyes widen when I wrap the cuff around and fasten the buckle. I take a length of rope and thread it through the loop. I make a basic tie and secure her wrist to my bedpost.

“What are you doing?”

I ignore her question and walk around the bed to repeat the same on the other side.

“Jai—”

“I’m going to take off your clothes. Do you object?” I wait for her reply as she stares at me. I’d never do that without her permission, but just cuffing her hasn’t satisfied my burning need.

“You have my permission, Jaime,” she whispers. “Whatever you need, I allow it.” Joss eyes my crop and swallows hard. “Anything, but I need to explain.”