Finding June (17 page)

“Hey,” I said breathlessly, like I was in a fucking 80’s romance movie.

I internally shook my head at myself. One extremely romantic kiss in a rainstorm and I was already turning in my feminist card. I coughed and said more pronounced, “Hey.”

“Hey,” Reece replied as he stood there.

Silence ensued as Jo looked between us. “This is my cue to leave. When you two get done eye fucking each other, come out to the hot tub,” Jo stated before she left the room.

With that perfect description of the scene in the room I turned back around and grabbed the cup of tea Jo had left, acting like it was mine. I took a drink to find it had a strong kick of brandy in it. Ugh, nope, not tea. I coughed as it went down my throat. I never had understood the appeal of a hot toddy. Reece walked over and slapped my back as I tried to catch my breath.

“You okay?” he asked with a bit of laughter in his voice.

“You ask me that a lot,” I finally said as I stopped choking.

This time I got a full-blown laugh from Reece as he sat next to me. “Yeah, I guess I do.”

“What now?” No preamble from this girl. I always got right to the point.

“We could get in the hot tub, or we could start dinner, or we could nap …”

“No, I meant, what now? Like after ... you know … what happened on the mountain,” I stumbled through.

He put his hand on my arm and swung his other arm around the chair I was sitting in, leaning into me. “Relax, June, it’s not like we killed a guy and hid the body.”

“I know that,” I said defensively. “I was just saying …” Hell, I had no idea what I was saying. I sighed and took another drink from Jo’s cup; this time it went down more smoothly.

Reece ran his hand over my hair and tucked it behind my ear. “Now? Well, now can be whatever you want, June. I’m not going to pressure you into anything. It can just be.”

“Okay,” was all I said as I shied away from him.

He moved back into me as soon as I retreated. He lowered his voice and said, “But I will say, there is no need for you to sleep on the couch tonight. Stay in the loft.”

“With you?” I squeaked. I was acting like I had never had sex with another guy, let alone slept in the same bed as one.

I saw Reece’s eyes light up as he tried to hide his laughter. “The bed is pretty big … so, yeah with me. If it makes you uncomfortable I’ll sleep on the couch. Really, all I want to do is sleep, nothing else. I promise.”

Why was Reece so sweet? It wasn’t like I was an inexperienced virgin, but he was being kind and not pressuring me in any way, physical or emotional. And that couch really did suck.

I gave in. I always did when it dealt with Reece. “Okay.”

Reece smiled as he got up from his chair, a smug smile knowing he had won. This round. He had won this round. There were more rounds to come, I was sure.

“I’m going to jump in the hot tub, you want to come?” he asked.

“No, I think I am going to sit here for a minute. I’ll join you in a few.”

Reece nodded and kissed the top of my head as he walked outside. I put Jo’s cup in the sink and grabbed a fresh cup of tea, sans alcohol. After throwing a couple more logs onto the fire, I settled into the couch.

I was nervous. It had been over three years since I had experienced the awkward, and thrilling, first part of a relationship. I hadn’t been with anyone since Owen, and even then, the list of men I had slept with was small. Owen, a drunken one-night stand, and a guy I dated my senior year of high school. I was nervous to go through the whole getting to know you stage. The awkward part of being with someone for the first time, not knowing what to expect. And hell, I was only sleeping next to the guy tonight. I hadn’t decided if I was even going to have sex with him. Though if sex with Reece was anything like the kiss we shared, I was in for a treat.

I stared into fire, mesmerized by the flames and lost in thought. When I heard a door behind me close and saw the gang come in from the hot tub, I focused again on our time up here, trying not to think too hard about whatever was going to happen after. However, I was failing miserably.

I was putting the last of the dishes away after a tasty dinner of tacos when everyone was saying good night and heading to their respectable beds. Even though what’s-his-name and Jo had just met, she had no problem sharing a room with him, but here I was freaking the hell out. This was one time of many I wished I had the type of confidence Jolene had because then this wouldn’t be an issue.

“June, I think the dish is clean.” Reece pulled the plate I had been drying for the last five minutes out of my hand. He leaned over me and put the plate in the cupboard as he took his other hand and gave me a firm kiss on the lips, catching me off guard. Each one of his kisses seemed to have a lasting impact. I didn’t think I could ever forget them.

“Ready for bed?” he asked like it was no big deal. To him it probably wasn’t a big deal, but I was freaking out. What if I stole all the covers or what if I snored? Owen was a heavy sleeper so I never really knew if I had any bad habits.

I was sure with Owen. Kind of. I
thought
I was sure with Owen, but him dumping me had really messed with my confidence level. I wasn’t so sure about the mixed emotions, excitement and fear coursing through me at the moment. A part of me wanted to jump his bones, the other part wanted to throw up. I smiled up at him, a total fake smile. And he knew it, too.

“I’ll sleep on the couch, June. Really, it’s not a big deal.”

“No, no, no. I’m fine. I can do this. I got this,” I rambled.

Reece gave me a frown. “You can do this? Is sleeping next to me in a
very large
bed really that big of a deal?”

“I just …” I stopped. I had to say this correctly before I dug this hole even deeper. “I just … I don’t know … nervous I guess?” That was the best answer he was going to get at this point.

“You should never be nervous around me, June, at least not about that. I think it’s silly for only one person to have that huge bed when there is plenty of room for two.” He rubbed his hands up and down my arms. That simple motion was surprisingly calming. I didn’t say anything, but nodded my head.

“Go get changed and I will meet you up there.” Reece let me go and headed up the ladder to the loft. I went to my bag and grabbed a pair of purple flannel pajama bottoms and a large, oversized T-shirt from one of the many BSU functions I had attended. Free shirts were an essential part of college.

I ran into the bathroom and changed into my sleepwear. Taking out my contacts, I put on my red-framed glasses. I brushed my teeth and braided my golden hair into a side braid. This way it would be easier to deal with in the morning. Okay, I was really just taking my sweet time in hopes Reece would already be asleep by the time I got up there. Less awkwardness this way, at least as much as I was capable. I took a deep breath and went into the main room to climb the ladder up into the loft. I had turned off the lights downstairs, so the only light came from the moon shining through the large window that was above the king-sized bed in the middle of the room.

Once I got to the top, Reece sat up. He wasn’t wearing a shirt again, and the full moon was highlighting his toned chest. My stomach dropped like it was speeding down a high-speed roller coaster.

“Stop thinking, June. I’m not going to bite.”

After setting my glasses on the nightstand and sinking into the large bed, I was able to see Reece’s face. The full moon lit up his handsome features. I could see his forest-green eyes, the ones that resembled the view I had taken this morning. I took in his full bottom lip, his slightly crooked nose, and skin still holding onto the last of the summer sun, memorizing each feature as if I would never see him again.

As Reece lay on his side and looked at me with an intense gaze, he said barely above a whisper, “What are you afraid of, June?”

“Everything.”

Reece gave me a small smile. “Let me rephrase that. What are you not afraid of?”

I pondered the question for a few minutes. My life lately had been surrounded around living a new life I wasn’t familiar with, and honestly, I was scared. Every day it became more complicated, more confusing with Reece and the direction I was trying to find. I guess I never had thought about what
did
make sense.

I answered Reece after thinking about what worked in my life. “I’m not afraid of my job. It’s not an ideal situation, but I feel comfortable in it.”

“What else?” he prodded me. The whole time his hands never left my body. He wasn’t touching me in a way that was anything sexual, but rather small touches on my arms, my hair, all making me feel more prone to open up to him.

“I’m not afraid of Jo, even though some of her ideas can be scary. I have been following her lead for a while now and I’m still standing.”

This time there was no smile on Reece’s face, but his eyes spoke volumes; held his emotions like the earth held the water after a rainstorm. “Are you afraid of me?”

That was the crux of it all. Was I afraid of Reece?

“I’m scared of what you can become.”

“What do you want me to become?”

“I …” I stopped and closed my eyes. I tried again. “Will you be mad if I say I have no fucking idea? Because I don’t. I know I want you in my life in some way, and maybe that is selfish of me, but that’s my honest answer.”

“It’s completely okay if you don’t know what you want right now. I’ll take you any way I can.”

I didn’t know what it was about Reece, but I couldn’t lie to him. I was a person who spoke her mind, but he made me confront all of my issues, whether I liked it or not.

“I want you, Reece. I want you in my life and letting someone into my life again is scary as hell. I haven’t even begun to figure out who I am, so letting you in seems pretty stupid from where I am standing.”

His eyes shifted over me, a look of concentration on his face. His deep voice soothed over me as he spoke, “For a lot of years I pushed people away because I felt it was the right thing to do. When I got too comfortable in a place, I left. Recreating myself each time, trying to find a version of myself I liked. It took me a long time to realize how stupid that was. I’m only who I am. I can’t change that, and as much as I want to, I can’t change what has happened to me, what has shaped my life. I might not know everything, no one does. But, live your life, June, even if it is the scariest thing you have to do. Even if you don’t have it all figured out. Because I’m going to let you in on a secret, no one has it figured it out.”

“What are you afraid of, what makes your life so scary?”

He narrowed his eyes, like he was thinking about how to answer the question I had posed. “I’m afraid of a lot of things.”

I smirked. “You seem to always have it together. You’re so easy going and it seems like a lot doesn’t bother you.”

“Just because things bother me, doesn’t mean everyone knows about it. And fear is something you can’t escape. It is always there, but that doesn’t mean you have to let it control your life. You only have control over what you can control, everything else is out of your hands. You can’t worry about something when you have no say over it, no control.”

“How do you do that? Put trust, faith, or hope … or whatever you want to call it in life. In trusting it will all figure itself out.”

He was silent for a moment. “I thought I had it all figured out, June. I was going to go to school and get a degree, find a nice wife and buy a house. It was a simple plan, but the plan changed. No, the plan was destroyed when Rachel died. My plan didn’t make sense anymore. I thought it was perfect, but it wasn’t. Letting go of this idea of
the
perfect plan was hard. I felt like I was letting go of everything I knew, everything I had been told. It was like letting go of myself at first, but I started to realize I would never forget who I was, I would only be living a different life than I had planned. That wasn’t a bad thing.”

“How come you haven’t really settled down?”

He sighed, his hand stilling on my upper arm. “After Rachel I hated the plan. I couldn’t even think about it, knowing I would drive myself crazy. So I left and tried to figure it out. I tried to figure out what I wanted and I didn’t know if coming home was the next step or not, but life stepped in and made the decision for me. I’m still trying to figure out if this is where I belong. June, you are not alone in trying to figure out what to do next. You let it take over your life where as I … I try to live my life.”

I couldn’t take my eyes off Reece when he talked. It seemed so simple. So fucking simple and I was still failing at it.

“Let’s make a deal,” Reece said.

My defenses went up. “Uhh … Last time I made a deal it was with Jo. I lost fifty bucks and ended up drunk and lost in Nampa.”

Reece laughed, breaking the tension between us. “Not a Jolene type deal. Those do sound scary.”

“Okay … I think,” I slowly answered.

His hand started to move up and down my arm again, like he was preparing me for what he wanted to say. “For the next month, I don’t want you to worry your pretty head about anything. Don’t think about the future; don’t try to figure out your life. Live your life and have fun.”