Finding Noel (22 page)

The meal was every bit as wonderful as it looked and smelled. It may not have been southern, but it was pretty darn good. When we finished dessert, Macy brought us steaming cups of mint truffle hot chocolate. Joette was the first up from the table. She carried a small stack of dishes to the sink. When she turned on the water, Macy jumped up from her seat. “We'll do the dishes, Jo. You've slaved enough for one day. Go rest.”

Joette looked grateful for the offer. “Are you sure?”

“We got it,” I said, also rising.

“Okay.” Joette disappeared down the hallway.

When her door shut, I said, “She looked tired.”

“I know. She hasn't been feeling well lately. I keep telling her to see a doctor, but she keeps insisting that there's nothing wrong.”

Macy and I did the dishes, then, at her suggestion, we put on our coats and went out for a walk. The snow had not stopped falling and the street was white and silent. There's something magically calming about the peace of new snow. I took Macy's hand as we walked and she held mine tightly. I wanted to talk to her about us, about our future, but I suddenly felt fearful. Instead, I said, “I'm so full I can hardly walk. Everything was great.”

“It turned out well. It's been a nice day, hasn't it?”

“All of it. Especially when you asked Joette to adopt you. You made her so happy.”

“I was really afraid to ask her. I didn't know what she'd say.”

I knew exactly how she felt. “It was perfect,” I said.

She sighed pleasantly. “It was, wasn't it? I've thought about this for a long time. I guess the clincher was when one of my coworkers told me that when his parents were killed in a plane crash his grandparents became his legal guardians. I realized that if I ever had children and something happened to me, Irene Hummel might be given custody. There's no way I would let that happen.” She turned and looked at me. “You realize that means I'll have had three last names.” She rolled her eyes. “I'm twenty-one years old and I've had three last names.”

“You know, I've been thinking about that very thing.”

“Really?”

“Well, I was wondering what you'd think of making it four.”

She looked at me quizzically. “Making what four?”

“Your last name.”

She continued to look at me as if I were speaking Chinese. “What do you mean?”

“I mean… getting married.”

She laughed nervously. “Well, I'm sure when that day comes, I'll be okay with it.”

“I mean now.”

She stopped walking and looked at me with an expression I couldn't read. “Are you serious?”

“Yes.”

“You're asking me to marry you?”

“Yes.”

She just stared at me for a moment, then she turned and began walking back toward the house

“Macy.”

Her pace quickened. When I caught up to her, I saw that she was crying. I stepped in front of her, blocking her path. She had covered her eyes with one hand and wouldn't look at me. Her hand was trembling.

“I just asked you to marry me.”

“I know.”

I took her hand and gently pulled it away. She looked up at me, her face wet from tears. “Why are you doing this?”

Her question baffled me as much as the rest of her reaction. “Because I love you.”

“How can you say that? You don't really know me.”

“Of course I know you. We've been through so much together.”

She just shook her head.

“I know it's only been three weeks, but I'm absolutely sure that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Sometimes you just know these things.”

“There are things in my past. Dark things you don't know about.”

“I don't care about your past. It's your future,
our
future, that I'm thinking about.”

“There's no difference. The past
is
our future.”

“That's not true. We can transcend our past.”

“Have you?”

Her question stopped me.

“Mark, what if you're really just trying to fill the hole in your life that your mother left when she died?”

“I'm not,” I said.

“Really? You don't talk about her, or the rest of your family. You haven't gone home. And your anger toward your father…” She looked at me and wiped her eyes. “I'm not running from my past, Mark, and I can't share my future with someone who's running from his.” She looked down and turned away from me. “I've got to go.”

She ran back to the house. I just stood there dumbfounded and clueless as I watched her disappear with my heart.

It's time for me to face the truth. Time to start burning bridges.

MARK SMART'S DIARY

I felt like my heart had been run over by a cement truck. I went home and picked up my guitar, but not even playing brought me relief. I called Macy's house four times that night. The first three times I called, no one answered. The fourth time Joette picked up. Her voice was solemn. “Hi, Mark, it's Jo.”

“Is Macy there?”

“She's already in bed.”

“Is she asleep?”

She hesitated. “I'm afraid that she doesn't want to talk to you.”

I took a deep breath. “You mean like right now or for the rest of her life?”

“I'm sorry about this, Mark. You might want to give her a day or two. She's pretty upset.”

I exhaled. “Was I completely stupid to think she might consider marrying me?”

Her voice lightened. “I don't think so. I don't think she thinks so either.”

“Fooled me,” I said. I sighed again. “Two days.”

“Two days. She'll probably be ready to talk by then.”

As difficult as it was, I didn't call the house for the next two days. On Sunday, I called three times, all without success. I tried again Monday morning, but still no one answered. With each call I grew more upset and my heartbreak began to be tempered by anger. Then my anger turned to doubt. How could she dispose of me so easily? Maybe she was right.
Maybe I didn't really know her.

I called every day that week, but she never answered. Then I stopped calling, hoping that she might call me. I guess, like all faithless, I was looking for some kind of sign, but none was forthcoming. Nine days after Thanksgiving, I accepted that for reasons I didn't understand, Macy was done with me. I also came to the conclusion that there was no reason for me to stay in Salt Lake City. At the rate I was saving money, it would take me years to get back in school. It was time to face reality. Coming to Utah was a mistake. It was time to go home.

The first thing I did was quit my job. It wasn't hard. I think my coworkers envied me, especially Victor, who asked if I'd sell him my Malibu. We agreed on a price and that he'd take possession the day I left. Next, I gave up my apartment. I'm pretty sure that my landlord was glad when I told him that I was leaving. Actually, I'm surprised he didn't break open a bottle of champagne. It took him all of a half hour to hang out a vacancy sign. I took some of what little money I had saved and purchased a one-way airline ticket for Huntsville.

Wednesday was my last day at work. It was around eleven
when I said goodbye to my coworkers, and though I'd promised myself that I wouldn't chase her, I found myself driving to the Hut. Macy was working at the front counter and looked up as I entered. Just seeing her brought me a stew of emotions: relief, anger, sadness, fear. From her expression I suspect she felt much the same.

“Hi,” I said.

“Hey.”

“How you doing?”

She just kind of tossed her head.

“I've been trying to call you.”

“I'm sorry.”

I just looked at her. “That's it?”

She nodded.

My heart sank even more. I took a deep breath. “I just came to thank you for everything you've done for me. I owe you.”

“You don't owe me.”

Another worker interrupted us. “Mary, the phone's for you.”

“Take a message, please.”

“It's Jeff.”

“Tell him I'll call him back.”

Macy turned back to me.

“And in spite of how everything turned out,” I continued, “I'm really glad I got to know you. I'm sorry that I ruined everything.” I took another deep breath. “I just wanted to say goodbye before I left.”

She flinched. “Where are you going?”

“Home.”

“For how long?”

I shrugged. “I bought a one-way ticket.”

She looked at me in disbelief. “When are you leaving?”

“Saturday. This Saturday.”

She was speechless. It was almost like pressing the reset button on a computer and watching for it to reboot. Finally, I said, “I better let you go. Give Jo my best.”

“I'll do that.”

A lump rose in my throat. “Well, take care.”

“You too.”

I walked out of the café. My eyes moistened as I headed out to my car. I couldn't believe that after all we'd been through, it had ended like this.