Finding You (24 page)

“Oh God.” I moaned as Angel slowly started to move, so fucking slowly that I thought I may tumble from the cliff he had placed me on. I didn’t know if I could keep at the pace Angel was setting, I was becoming delirious with need and want as he moaned against my lips.

“Angel, please … harder.”

That was all it took, suddenly my wrists were pinned above my head in one hand while the other was on my hip, his fingers dug into my skin as he quickened his pace, using my wrists as leverage to plow into me.

“Neva, I need you.” Angel whispered as his breathing became erratic, matching mine. Need was now so much more than a word thrown around by people from day to day, it was an urgent want, an all-consuming level of love. And I needed him too.

“Oh God, Angel. I need you too, I love you.” The words were hanging in the air above me, as if I could reach out and touch them.

“Ah, shit. I love you, Neva.” Angel growled as his pace was becoming staggered, shifting quickly to change the angle as he pressed against my sweet spot. I was so close to the edge, I could almost taste it. “I need you with me, Neva.” He begged.

“Take me with you, Angel.” I cried as an orgasm so intense jolted through my body, hurtling my body over the edge of the cliff, plunging into the watery depth below, holding onto Angel as I pulled him down with me.

“Holy. Fucking. Shit. Ah, Neva.” Angel moaned as his orgasm punched him full force, his body shaking and stuttering, prolonging my own orgasm with his jerky movements.

My head spun as we both came down from our earth-shattering orgasms, our panting breaths mingling, unashamed. As Angel rested his head on my chest, our hearts lined up, so close and so soothing that I quickly feel into a blissful deep sleep.

In the days that passed, Angel was spending more time with his mom. I didn’t mind, he loved his mom and from what I could gather she had been through a lot over the years.

Logan and I had been hanging out a lot more during the day since we decided to keep our relationship as friends, most of it spent studying at my place and today was no exception. Logan and I had been discussing the latest gossip from one of Ace’s house parties, laughing that Ace had gotten so wasted that he ripped off all of his clothes and ran through the house, naked. We were laughing so hard when we watched the video go live on YouTube, and laughing even harder when it hit 250,000 hits.

“He is never going to live that down.” Logan said chuckling, our cries of laughter slowly dying down.

“Poor Ace, but he did say that he was the sexiest guy on campus. I just can’t believe he decided to prove it by running through his house naked! The image of Ace’s ‘hidden’ piercing will be forever burned in my memory, gross.” I said chuckling. The poor guy really was never going to live this down, especially from the guys on the football team.

“Do you think Ace is the sexiest guy on campus?” Logan asked with a wicked grin on his face.

“That is gross, Logan. No, I don’t think he is the sexiest guy on campus. He’s the most revolting!” I laughed, Ace was a great guy but he was definitely not my type.

“So who is then?” He said, wiggling his eyebrows as if insinuating that he was the sexiest, oh here we go!

“Professor Gregg Harper … there is something about -” I didn’t even get a chance to even finish the sentence before Logan was tickling the shit out of me, taking me completely by surprise.

“Oh. My. God! Logan, stop. Please stop!” I yelled, laughter pouring from my mouth as he kept up the onslaught of tickling me, if he wasn’t careful he was going to tickle me into a coma.

“Say it.” He chuckled as he tickled me under my ribs, straddling my hips and pinning me to the bed. I knew what he wanted me to say, but I was not going to give in.

“No, never!” I said laughing so hard that I snorted like a pig, lovely!

“I won’t stop until you say it, Neva!” He said with a cocky smile, finding the most sensitive spot around my waist, tickling me furiously.

“Okay, okay Logan White is the sexiest guy on campus.” I said chuckling as he finally let up, before dropping his weight on top of me, taking me completely by surprise.

His lips were resting against my neck as his breath felt hot against my skin, my body flushing from the weight of him against me. Pulling back, he stroked a single piece of hair that had come loose from my sloppy bun, pushing it back behind my ear.

“You think I’m sexy?” He asked, he was so close, but I didn’t have the control or power to push him from me.

“You know you’re sexy, Logan, you don’t need me to tell you that.” I said on a shaky breath.

“Can I ask you something?” He pulled his weight from me slightly without releasing my body from under his.

“Yes.” I said hoarsely.

“What did you mean when you said you were broken? Because all I see when I look at you is a heroine.”

“Trust me, I’m no heroine, Logan. A heroine is a woman with courage, admired for her brave deeds. That is not me, and you know it. You have seen the nightmares.”

“But that is bullshit, Neva! A heroine is a woman who comes face-to-face with heartbreak, frightening experiences, unbelievable pain or unyielding suffering and can still rebuild her life after everything and smile while doing it. You Neva, are a heroine.”

Self-control? Yeah, that leaped out the window as soon as I walked through his door.

My world teetered on an unforgiving axis as I pulled Logan’s lips to mine, gasping as our lips met once again, his tongue teasing my bottom lip. Letting him in, our tongues danced together as they reacquainted themselves with one another.

“I still love you, Neva.” He whispered against my lips, pulling a moan from deep inside my body. With my hand in his hair, I tried to regain some control, but when Logan nibbled at my bottom lip I don’t think my mind could even process what self-control meant.

“But you keep breaking my heart, at every turn.” He cried before jumping off me, quickly leaving my room.

Tears slowly fell down my cheeks from Logan’s admission. He still loved me and what was worse is that I loved him too but didn’t have the backbone to tell him.

“Why have I just seen Logan walk out of here looking like he was about to cut a bitch?” Low said loudly as she walked through the door, slamming it shut behind her. Her brows furrowed, clearly noticing the tears that were quickly streaming down my face.

“Please don’t.” I said defeated, bowing my head quickly using my hair to hide my face.

“Don’t … don’t? Are you serious right now, Neva?” Low spat, completely taking me by surprise. “What the hell are you doing? Are you playing them both? This is not a game, Neva You said you would choose! Now all you’re doing is hurting Logan and I will not stand by and watch you do this to him.” I was frozen in place, stunned by Low’s outburst. She thinks I am playing a game? Is she freaking kidding me?

“I … I, shit.” I stuttered, her assumption taking me by surprise. But how could I tell my best friend that I couldn’t choose? How could I tell her that I loved both of them for different reasons? Angel was intense and just as broken as I was, but he was fixing me in a way I thought was impossible. I loved him because I thought I was irreversibly broken, but he was showing me that I wasn’t broken … I had just gotten a little bruised on the way. Then there was Logan, who has been protecting me since I was ten, protecting me in a way that made me feel safe, feel at home. He knew me on a level that I don’t think I could share with Angel. I didn’t have to hide from Logan. How can I tell her that I couldn’t choose just one because between them, they were both mending my broken heart?

“Have you even considered how Angel will feel when he finds out, Neva? You. Will. Break. Him.” Low spat, pulling me out of my questionable thoughts as she became more and more annoyed. Her eyes never leaving mine as she quickly paced the floor in front of me. “I mean, Jesus, Neva! The guy worships the ground you walk on and all you are doing is throwing it back in his face. Stop thinking about yourself, Neva and think about the two men you are hurting over and over, again.”

My blood boiled at Low’s words, she didn’t understand. I mean, how could she? She had no idea of the daily battle I was having with my conscience and my heart, she had no idea that I had said the same things about myself over and over in my head, torturing myself day in day out. I didn’t want to hurt either of them and it was never my intention, no matter how hard it was for people to grasp.

“I’m not doing this with you, Low! Seriously, back off and keep out of it. You have no idea what I go through daily and you certainly have no idea what you are talking about.”

“No idea about what?”

My head quickly snapped towards the dorm door, my brother standing there looking between Low and me with a confused expression on his face.

“Nothing.” I whispered, I quickly turned my gaze to Low silently pleading with her not to tell Tate what was going on.

“Tell him, Neva, or I will!” Low said quickly, totally knocking me off balance. My body buckled underneath me, knowing that I would have to tell him. Dropping to my knees, the sobs quickly tore from my throat, flinching as Tate knelt down in front of me and took me into his arms, wrapping me up in a tight hug.

“Tell me what?” Tate asked as he gently rocked me in his arms, trying to sooth me as I melted against his chest.

“I’m sorry.” I said through sobs, bunching Tate’s shirt in my hands trying desperately to keep him close.

“What is it, baby girl? You can tell me.” He said in a soothing voice as he gently stroked my back in comfort. How do I tell my brother that I am in love with his best friend, the man who he trusted … the man that owned me like no one else could?

“I can’t … I.” I stuttered, the sobs coming thick and fast as my throat restricted. It was as if my body was stopping me from telling Tate the truth.

“Tell him, Neva.” Low pushed, her anger seemingly toned down.

“I slept with Logan.” My hand quickly flew to my mouth, stifling the gasp that was readily positioned on my lips, waiting for Tate’s reaction. Waiting for him to go bat shit crazy and possibly kill Logan for betraying his trust, but … it never came.

“I know.” He whispered, I quickly pulled back and stared at my brother in shock. What the hell? How could he possibly know, unless Low had told him?

“W … What are you talking about?” I said, unable to disguise the shock penetrating my voice as I looked over at Low for an answer. She shook her head, letting me know that he hadn’t told him either.

“He told me, Neva.” He sighed, briefly closing his eyes before slowly opening them again. “He loves you, baby girl, he has since I can remember but he is hurting. He has to watch you with Angel day in and day out and he doesn’t know how long he can stay away from you, Neva, he is only so strong.”

“I love him too.” I admitted, my voice was so small that I wasn’t sure it came from my lips. Looking up at my brother and my best friend, I realized the words had come from me, and Tate and Low had definitely heard me.

“What about Angel?” Tate added, clearly still not understanding.

“I love Angel, too.” I sighed, trying to find the courage to explain exactly what was going on. “I love them both, I love them for different reasons and my heart hurts every damn time I think about it. But I did choose, you guys just don’t see it. I chose Angel because I love him, but I also chose him to protect Logan. I am not going to subject him to my nightmares or my past any longer. It isn’t his burden to carry.” The tears were coming like a tsunami, wave after wave hitting me harder and harder as I tried to explain that I was in love with two men.

“So Angel knows what happened?” Low asked as she sat down on the edge of her bed.

“No, I don’t think I will ever be ready to tell him what happened. With Angel, I can just be me, not the Neva who has nightmares that scare the shit out of people who see them, not the Neva who can’t get in a damn car or the Neva who can’t watch news reports in case a car wreck is featured. I am so sick of being that person, I want to be me, I want to live!” My voice raised with every passing second as my anger boiled to the surface, anger towards myself and the man who claimed my father’s life.

“But you are basing your relationship with Angel on a lie, he is going to find out eventually. What happens if you have a nightmare while you are with him?” Low asked tentatively.

“I won’t put myself into that situation, and if it does happen, then maybe I could tell him.” I threw my hands in my hair, I knew I wasn’t being reasonable but why should I subject someone else to my pain. “I don’t know what the hell I would do, but for right now, I don’t have to tell him. For right now, I want to be normal, so will you please just respect that and stop getting on my case about it?” I spat, I just wanted them to leave the subject alone. I wasn’t ready for this.

“Okay, we will drop it but what about Logan? You slept with him Neva, you can’t expect him just to shut off his feelings.” Tate pleaded, the concern for his friend evident in his voice.

“I don’t expect him to shut off his feelings, Tate, but when I am around him, it’s like my body is forcing me to stay with him and when I’m not, I am constantly thinking about him. I love him and I can’t shut off my feelings for him either, but I think it would be for the best if we didn’t see each other. Even as friends.” The realization of what I had just said hit me hard, but I wasn’t willing to show it. I can’t tell Tate and Low that I wanted to be more than friends with Logan, that I wanted Logan without having to hurt Angel at the same time. Talk about a cluster fuck.