First Love (24 page)

“Please don’t. I thought you were going to kiss me, and I was afraid someone would see.” She reached for her hand, but Drew pulled it away. “Don’t, Drew. I don’t know if I can survive this without you.”

“Survive what?” Drew didn’t move, but she couldn’t look at Jordan.

“Survive us, being in a gay relationship.”

“Wow. It’s a little late to think about that.”

“I didn’t mean it that way.”

Drew stood and turned toward Jordan. “Then what way did you mean it?” Drew’s arms were folded across her chest. She was struggling to keep from raising her voice. How the hell would they survive as a couple?

Jordan walked over, leaned against Drew’s back, and put her arms around Drew’s waist. “I just need time. You are my first lover, and I’m just getting used to being able to touch you any time I want.”

“Except in public.” Drew was trying to hold down her anger.

“Maybe this is easy for you.”

“No, this is not easy. Do you know how much I want to tell everyone that I’m in love with this most amazing person? Do you have any idea how hard it is to not hug you or kiss you around my family? You are the first girlfriend I’ve brought to meet my family.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t think about that. So many things are changing, and I just wish I could hurry up and get to the end. My family is not a touchy family. Your parents were holding hands on the porch after dinner. Your dad even patted her bottom as they walked out the door. I didn’t even know what to think.” Drew’s hands were now on hers, stroking them. “There’s so much I’m trying to understand. For years, I’ve been told how wrong all this is. Sex before marriage. Sex with a woman. Showing physical affection.” Drew stiffened. Jordan kissed Drew’s neck. “Give me some time, my dearest love. I just have some adjusting to do.”

Drew turned and pulled Jordan into an embrace. Still, Jordan felt stiffness in Drew’s actions.

“I don’t want to lose you, Drew.”

“Me either.” Drew closed her eyes.

*

Jordan knew that her own fears were creating tension in her relationship with Drew. It was the last thing she wanted. The Hamiltons were going out of their way to make her welcome. When Mark and David returned, she noticed how often they were holding hands or sitting close. Drew’s family didn’t seem to notice or care if they did notice. She was determined to make as much effort as Drew. Now she was the one approaching Drew, sitting next to her, putting her hand on Drew’s arm.

“Jordan, I want you to feel comfortable.” Drew put her hand on top of Jordan’s as they sat on the fence and watched the sunrise. “Just tell me if I’m doing anything to make you feel uncomfortable.”

“How did I get so lucky to find someone like you?” Jordan leaned closer and rested her head on Drew’s shoulder. “I do love you.”

“I know. Let me know what I can do to make this easier for you.” She leaned her head against Jordan’s. “Let’s get something to eat and then get busy. We’re going to move cattle today. I plan on dragging Mark and David with us.”

When Drew took her hand, Jordan readily walked back to the house holding hands. She just needed to remind herself how much she loved Drew. Some of the earlier teasing was returning. Jordan needed to relax.

Jordan tried keeping up with Drew but found she didn’t have the stamina or the strength. Two days went by and she found she was too tired to worry about what Drew’s parents thought. “How do you keep going day after day? Are you ADD?”

Drew smiled. “Not hardly.” She knelt and rubbed Jordan’s hands. “Is this okay?”

“Okay? If you stop, I’ll do something I may later regret. My fingernails are a mess. I have blisters on my hands, and they are so sore.”

“I told you to wear your gloves.”

“I know. I was trying to be tough. I didn’t realize what long days you have and how hard the work is.” She scanned Drew’s legs and arms. “No wonder your clothes get so baggy. You’ve lost at least five pounds this week. And your body is so hard.” She ran her hand over Drew’s upper arm.

“If you keep doing that, I won’t get the work done today. Now, you sit here and relax and let me finish loading this.” She kissed Jordan’s hands. “I’m sorry your hands aren’t as soft.” She kissed them again
.

On the day before they were to leave, Jordan was alone in the house with David. She had so many questions and her own fears were keeping her from getting answers. “How long have you and Mark been together? How did you first meet?” Everything she was experiencing contradicted years of parental guidance.

He answered her questions with such love in his voice that Jordan was in awe. There were so many things she wanted to know, to learn. As Drew often reminded her, she didn’t have to do it in one night. “I’ve liked Mark from the start and now I can see why he loves you.”

“You’re not making a pass at David, are you?” Drew had come in and put her arm around Jordan’s shoulder. “Come on, beautiful. We’re going for a ride to watch the sunset.”

With two agents on horseback riding several feet behind, Drew led Jordan up to a butte that let them see for nearly twenty miles. They sat quietly on their horses and watched the sun go down.

“This is incredible, watching the sun go behind the mountains. I can’t tell you how much I’ve enjoyed this. And how at peace I am.” She reached for her hand. “Can we come back?”

“Any time.”

Jordan was silent as they rode back. She had so much to process. For years, she had been taught that homosexuals were promiscuous. Mark, David, and Drew were much more monogamous than most of her sorority sisters. She had also been told that good God-fearing people detested that lifestyle. Then Drew’s mother had put her in the same room with Drew.

“Why does it bother you?” Drew asked when they had crawled into bed.

“I don’t know. I guess it’s like I don’t want to know about my parents having sex or your parents knowing we are.”

“Eww. I don’t want to think about your parents having sex, either.”

“Stop it. Why do you make fun of my parents?”

“I’m sorry,” Drew said. “I can’t blame you for your parents.”

“My parents are really wonderful people.”

Drew didn’t respond.

*

Finally, it was time to leave. Drew brought their luggage downstairs.

“I don’t want to leave.”

“I know. We can come back, Jordan.”

They were met at the door by Drew’s parents. “Jordan,” Drew’s father began, “I want you to know you are welcome here. Please take care of my daughter.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Dad, I don’t need to be taken care of.”

“Sweetheart, be quiet. This is between me and Jordan. Mark, David, you boys come back and we’ll find some padded saddles for you.” Mark rubbed his rear end in sign of appreciation.

After everyone hugged good-bye, Drew hugged her dad. “Thank you.”

He lowered his voice. “She’s a good kid. I feel sorry for her with the father she has. Please let her know she has a home here if her parents…” He left the rest unsaid.

Drew was touched by her father’s understanding. “I will, Dad. Love you.”

October

With Fall Rush over, Jordan was finally free to be with Drew. And to not worry about what other people thought. She let her sorority know that she would be studying and no longer would be available for most sorority functions. She wasn’t sure if their disappointment was because they would really miss her or that they couldn’t use the president’s daughter as an attraction. She didn’t care. She was in love.

“What are you going to do for Thanksgiving?” Jordan asked.

“Staying here. We really don’t have much of a break. What about you?”

“My folks want me to be in D.C. We’re flying to Ohio for Thanksgiving dinner and, of course, my dad is campaigning. They’re also planning a big holiday party at Christmas. Would you and Mark consider coming if I got you an invitation?”

“Do you think that’s a good idea?”

“You two could come as a couple. There is going to be a party put on by Young Republicans and they want me to be there.”

“Sweetheart, that is not my thing. Besides, until your parents know about us, it would be better if we weren’t seen together that much and certainly not around your parents. Remember Brandan’s tirade?”

“Why do you have to remind me about it?”

Drew saw Jordan tense. She wasn’t sure how to answer without having Jordan deal more directly with their relationship. She wasn’t sure Jordan was ready for that step. “What are you going to do about your parents?”

“I don’t know.”

“Are you having second thoughts?”

“Of course not. This is just harder than I thought. Please come to D.C. for Christmas then.”

“I can’t imagine your parents being happy about our relationship if they find out.”

“Stop it. My parents love me. I can’t imagine them being anything but supportive. And happy.”

“Then what are you worried about?”

Jordan stopped. “I know this isn’t what my parents might have expected, but I…why are you asking these questions? I just want you there because I will miss you. You promised to be there if I needed you.”

“Jordan, what will you do if your parents don’t approve and tell you they don’t want you to continue this relationship?”

“They won’t.”

“What if they do?”

“They won’t!”

Drew was frustrated. “What do you want? When we’re in Washington? Am I supposed to go with you or just wait until you call?”

Jordan was fighting tears. “I just want you to be there. Just in case.”

“Just in case?”
What the hell does that mean, Jordan?

“Just in case.”

November

“How’s Jordan?” Mark asked. He had just returned from four weeks of clinicals in Jacksonville. “It seems like this term is flying by. David is coming up next week to have turkey with us. Of course, I don’t know whether to cook a turkey or ham, but I guess turkey is more traditional. It’s something we Cuban-Americans have adjusted to.”

“You must have been lonely in the big city because you’ve escalated talking to yourself to a fine art.”

“I missed you, too,” he said. “So how is Jordan?”

“She’s fine. She’s in class until seven this evening. She wants us to come to some big party in Washington during Christmas break. I think it’s a bad idea, especially after what happened with her homophobic boyfriend.”

“Not a boyfriend,” Mark reminded her.

“Well, he thinks so. Anyway, I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to be there.”

“Girlfriend, David and I would love to spend New Year’s in D.C.”

“Then you two go, and I’ll watch the place and spend New Year’s alone.”

“It wouldn’t be fun without you.”

“I don’t particularly care for big cities and big parties. Most of all, I’m not going to pretend that you’re my boyfriend.”

“Oh! Did Jordan ask us to do that?”

Drew nodded. “There are days we seem to take two steps forward and one step back and other days we just walk backward.” Mark stopped unpacking.

“I know she wants to tell them. It’s not like her dad is some ordinary person who might be persuaded to change his mind. What I’m worried about is how our relationship is tearing her apart. At some point she may need to choose between me and her family. Worse, they may even threaten to disown her or send her to some reprogramming idiot.”

“Then what?”

“I don’t know. I’m most at peace when I have everything well planned out. This I don’t know. I have to have faith this will work out.” Drew was beginning to feel like her life was like picking petals off a flower.
She loves me. She loves me not. She loves me.
Maybe she should count the remaining petals.

“In my heart I want to trust Jordan or I wouldn’t have taken her to meet my parents. It’s my head that is questioning. Jordan has a lot to lose. It’s not as if she can have a fight with her parents, walk away, and no one really notices. If I were in her shoes, I’d probably be scared shitless. With all the garbage she’s grown up with, the homophobia, and then having to live with her parents. I’m sorry, Mark, I really wonder how we’re going to make it.”

“You’re not giving up on her, are you?”

“Hell no! I just hope she doesn’t give up on us.”

“Why don’t you talk to her? She seems reasonable.”

“She is, except about her family.” Drew stopped and faced her real fear. “I’m afraid of losing her.”

“Let me get this right. You don’t want to talk to her about losing her because you’re afraid of losing her, yet you’re afraid of losing her anyway?”

“Sounds convoluted, huh?”

“Oh, honey. What can I do?”

“I don’t know if there is anything.” Drew stopped. Jordan had asked for a favor. “Actually, I guess we can go to Washington. That’s the least I can do.”

Mark smiled. “Of course we’ll go, even if we are surrounded by neo-Nazis.”

“Guess that’s why I like you so much. You always keep things in perspective.”

“I must say, you’re talkative tonight. Are you usually this chatty when Jordan is around? Maybe she’s having a good effect on you.”

Drew threw a paperback book at him.

“Think positive.”

Drew wanted to believe but she needed to protect that small piece of her heart Jordan didn’t already possess.

*

“We’ll go,” Drew said, “so you better send us an invitation. But, and this is a big one, do not expect me to wear a dress. And David is coming, too.”

Jordan threw her arms around her. “Thank you. Thank you.” She kissed and nuzzled Drew’s neck. “The YR party is much less formal. You’ll look great whatever you wear. Or don’t.”

“YR?”

“Young Republicans.”

Drew grimaced.

“They’re not that bad.”

“I guess that depends on your perspective. Mine is probably too intellectual for that group.”

“Drew! Please, you both will have a good time. Honest.”

“Does that mean we’re officially invited?”