First (Wrong) Impressions: A Modern Pride & Prejudice (15 page)

Years of anguish and guilt, coupled with a week from hell and a cold, broke Lizzy’s defenses. She sobbed her apologies, even as she remembered all the nights she’d held a sobbing Mary, saying it wasn’t their fault. She’d never believed her own words.

“Listen to me. Charles didn’t leave me because I’m fat or one-legged.”

“Don’t say that.”

“No, it’s time to say that. Charles left me because I’ve been so sad, so scarred, that I couldn’t even look after myself, let alone maintain a relationship.”

“He shouldn’t have just left like that.”

Jane smiled. “No, he shouldn’t have. But he did. So I can sit around for the next three years crying over him like I did my leg, or I can start living. That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.” Jane sucked in a breath. “I’ve been taking yoga lessons for the last six months.”

Lizzy blinked at that. “Why didn’t you tell me? I would’ve gone with you.”

“I know, but I needed to do this myself. It’s time you stopped looking after me.”

“I don’t mind,” Lizzy insisted.

“I know that, but it was time to learn to stand on my two feet. Or, one I suppose. My instructor, Sjanie Elba, just got a position in Calgary, working with amputees. She’s asked me to be her assistant.”

Lizzy was quiet. “Calgary?”

Jane nodded. “She asked me the day after Charles left. I was going to say no, but I’ve decided to go. I need this. It’s not because I might see Charles there. When I’m with Sjanie in the classes, I don’t feel like a fat, useless cow. When I first starting going, I took private lessons because I didn’t want anyone to see my leg. But she taught me to not care about my size or my leg or what I used to be able to do. For an hour a day, she taught me about the body I have today, not the one I used to have. So I’m going to take the offer. I already told Dad. He’s fine with it. It’s only temporary and I’ll be back after Christmas.”

Lizzy pulled her chair closer to her sister. She rested her head on Jane’s shoulder. “I’m proud of you.”

“I’m proud of myself. It was really hard.”

“I thought you hated yoga.”

“Yup.”

Lizzy laughed. “Then why?”

Jane grew quiet. “It’s the only thing that doesn’t remind me of skating.”

That sat in silence before Lizzy asked, “Are you sure you aren’t doing this for him? You’re not going down there to chase after him.”

“I know it seems like I’m chasing Charles, and maybe I am, just a little. But I’m also going for me. I’m going to be in a yoga studio all day, not hanging out at fancy restaurants. We’re not going to cross each other’s path.” She gave a little shrug. “At best, I’ll go out for lunch with Caroline once a week and we’ll continue as friends, without him in the picture.”

“Are you sure, Jane?”

“Yes, Lizzy. This is for me.” Jane wrapped her arm around Lizzy, “It’s time I looked after me.”

Chapter 17

November 25

Lizzy unlocked her house door and walked in. She didn’t bother flicking on the lights. She just dropped her shit on the floor, kicked off her shoes, plopped down in the nearest chair and tried very, very hard not to think about anything. She was officially now on stress leave for three weeks.

Well, her version of stress leave just meant they’d pull out the lieu time she’d built up, but nevertheless, Melissa told her she wasn’t allowed back for three weeks. The busiest time of the year was upon them, and she wasn’t allowed back to work.

Lizzy’s hands began to shake. She closed her eyes and tried very, very hard to clear her mind and not think. But all she could see was the dead body of Susan.

It hadn’t been Lizzy’s first funeral. She’d buried plenty of good, and not-so-good, people over the years, but she’d never found one of them before. She’d shaken the hands of plenty of grieving parents who’d invited her to the funerals of their sons, daughters, fathers, mothers, aunts, cousins, and friends. This was different.

She’d killed Susan.

No one saw it that way, of course, but that didn’t matter. Eventually, common sense would take over and the cold detachment would settle into her veins. But, for now it was only grief and guilt.

“Lizzy, is that you?” Ellie asked before flipping on the lights. When Lizzy looked at her, Ellie’s frown deepened. “How was the funeral?”

Lizzy’s jaw trembled. “Susan’s mother told me she often talked about me when she called home.” Tears trickled down her face, but she did not sob. She did not give in. “Melissa’s forcing me to take three weeks off.”

“That’s probably a good idea.”

Lizzy shook her head. “I need something to do or I’m going to go insane.”

“It’s not your fault Susan died.”

“Yes, it is. She froze to death because I didn’t give her enough blankets.”

Ellie was quiet for a while. “If you’d known Susan was going to die, would you have given her another blanket?”

“Of course.”

“Then you didn’t kill her.”

More tears flowed down Lizzy’s face. “I want to be alone.”

“All right. Let me know if you need anything. Oh, and here.” Ellie handed Lizzy her cell phone. “You left your phone here. Luke called. I promised him I’d tell you.”

Lizzy stared at the phone. Except for the occasional generic online exchange, they’d not spoken since he’d left with Liam. She missed Luke so much. With him and Jane gone, she had no one to talk to. Sure, Ellie was here, but Ellie wasn’t Luke or Jane.

Lizzy swallowed her pride and dialed Luke’s number.

“Hey, Lizzy.”

“Hey.” She failed to force any life into her voice.

“Melissa called me. I’m so sorry.”

Lizzy’s throat tightened and she sniffed. “Yeah.”

Awkward silence fell between them.

Lizzy, unable to breathe from the pressure on her chest, began sobbing. “I’m sorry about what happened last month. I’m so very sorry. I never meant to hurt you, Luke, you have to believe me. I’ve missed you so much. You’re my best friend and I need you.”

Luke’s voice cracked, too. “I know, Lizzy. I’m not mad at you anymore. Honest. I want to be friends again. I miss you, too.”

Lizzy couldn’t control her emotions and she wept on the phone for several minutes. It hurt so bad, and yet the grief didn’t sting so much. Luke had lost people in the inner city. He understood the hurt and guilt she felt, and he knew what she needed most: someone to empathize.

****

November 26

The next morning, Luke called her again. Lizzy was in bed, seeing no good reason to leave it before noon.

“Have you checked your email today?”

“Nah. I’ve been reading in bed. I have to do something or I’m going to drive myself insane.”

“Well, as it happens, that’s why I’m calling. Liam and I talked last night and we want you to come here for your three weeks off.”

“Oh, I can’t, Luke.” For one thing, she couldn’t afford it. She lived very much paycheque to paycheque, and a flight, or even the bus, to Vancouver plus spending money was too much for her. For another thing, she was still hoping she could convince Melissa to let her come back to work in a couple of days.

“Yes, you can. I emailed you an Air Canada ticket. You leave tomorrow morning at eleven.”

“You shouldn’t have done that.”

“Elizabeth Bennet, I’ve known you my entire life. I know you are secretly thinking you’ll weasel your way back into work. You are going crazy sitting around and it’s only been a day. And I’m telling you that Melissa isn’t going to let you go back to work. You’re my best friend. A fight is never going to change that. Come and stay with me and Liam.”

Lizzy had a hot reply on her lips but she stopped short, her brain catching up. “Wait, you’re living with Liam?”

Luke cleared his throat. “Yeah.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah. Does that change anything?”

Before the fight, she would’ve made fun of Liam and Luke. She realized she’d not been as supportive as she could have been. Or should have been. The hurt from their argument still stung and Lizzy didn’t want anything to jeopardize the bridge Luke had built.

So she smiled, even if he couldn’t see it, and said, “Not unless you develop a lisp. In that case, I’ll have to slap you.”

“If that happens, I’ll let you!” Luke roared with laughter and Lizzy joined in.

There was a rustling sound on the phone and Liam spoke. “Hi Lizzy! Are you going to come visit us?”

“If that’s all right. I don’t want to impose.”

“Shut up. You’re Luke’s best friend and I refuse to put up with this fighting between the two of you any longer. I believe it’s important for children of God to live by example and hard feelings between His children are never a good thing.”

Lizzy controlled the laugh that wanted to escape. “Then how I can refuse? I’ll pay you both back for the ticket, though.”

“I am well compensated at God’s Refuge and can afford a plane ticket for someone I consider family. Besides, Catherine has found a position for Luke at
Insite
.”

“You’re kidding me! That’s been Luke’s dream job.” Insite was the only safe injection site in Canada, located in Vancouver. Teamed by nurses and experts, users could shoot up their dope on site without fear of arrests, reprisals, or violence. They were given clean needles, supplies, and whatever they needed to safely inject their drug of choice. Luke had worked with local groups, such as the Boyle Street Community Services, to fight for one in Edmonton. It never came to pass, but it was a cause Luke was passionate about.

And now he had a job there.

“Oh, I’m so happy for him. Thank you, Liam.”

“Don’t thank me, thank Catherine.”

“If I ever meet her, I will.”

“Oh! Oh!” In a high-pitched, excited voice, he said, “You simply must come now, because I’m certain I can introduce you to Catherine. You will love her, I’m sure.”

There was more phone rustling; Luke had clearly wrestled the phone away from Liam. “Sorry about that, Lizzy. The gay got away from him.”

In the background, Liam laughed heartily.

“Will you come tomorrow?”

“I’d love to.”

Chapter 18

November 27

Lizzy stuffed her suitcase in the overhead bin and took her seat. She pulled out her cell phone to text Jane:

Lizzy: On the plane now. How’s Calgary going? You see Caroline yet?

Jane: It’s going great. Caroline’s been out of town. That’s why I haven’t seen her. She txt me yesterday to say we’ll get together soon. Gotta run, but have a good trip.

Lizzy: Thx!

Lizzy didn’t believe that Caroline had been away or that Caroline would be going out anywhere with Jane anytime soon. None of it made sense. Charles and Jane were doing great together and then, boom! Charles dumps her and the three of them drop off the face of the earth. It made no sense whatsoever.

She checked her Twitter updates. She didn’t follow George Wickham, but had to admit she occasionally checked his updates to see what he was up to. Looked like he’d gotten a construction job in the mountains. Lydia was tweeting how she hadn’t heard back from her audition in Banff, lamenting that she didn’t get the part. She had two weeks of modeling work booked in Calgary, so that took out the sting. Still, Lydia, being Lydia, did tweet:

@Doitlikearockstar: Got to take 2 wks off to catch up on school, tho. Sucks!

Loving to poke her sister every so often, Lizzy replied:

@LizzyB1: School does not suck @Doitlikearockstar

@Doitlikearockstar: Pfft @LizzyB1 is my older sister. Can’t you tell? Say Hi to Luke for me!

@LizzyB1: I will, brat. @Doitlikearockstar

@Doitlikearockstar: Nerd. @LizzyB1

@LizzyB1: That isn’t an insult, @Doitlikearockstar

@Doitlikearockstar: It is in my circles! @LizzyB1

The plane was nearly all boarded, so Lizzy updated her status:

@LizzyB1: En route to #YVR! Can’t wait to see my bff @luke_char & his partner @pastor_Liam!

Lizzy put her cell in airplane mode and stuffed it into her purse. She pulled out her tablet, plugged in her earbuds, and settled down to listen to her audiobook. However, she found herself just thinking, staring out of the window at the baggage crew stuffing the luggage haphazardly into the cargo hold.

The idea of spending three weeks with Liam Collins did not appeal to Lizzy on an intellectual level. He’d drive her insane. Yet she wanted to see Luke, and perhaps see Luke truly happy. His parents were convinced, and probably still convinced, that he chose to be gay, so he could choose to be straight and “normal.” She wondered how he was, now he was out. He had no one to hide from, living away. How would it have changed him?

The flight attendant began his safety announcement, while another made sure the overhead bins were all closed. The airplane vibrated to life and raced down the runway.

Three weeks away. Maybe that was what she needed more than anything.

Then again, how would Susan’s death change her? Lizzy trembled and squeezed her eyes shut to prevent another flood of tears, but they came anyway. It shouldn’t hurt so much; Susan wasn’t the first homeless person to freeze to death that she knew. She wouldn’t be the last, either. But Lizzy had liked Susan, a lot. She had so many great memories and now she’d never have any new ones with her. Guilt pierced her.

A tissue appeared in her field of vision. Lizzy turned to see the man next to her, in a crisp business suit, offering her a tissue. She hadn’t realized anyone was seated next to her.

“Thank you.”

“Rough week?”

Lizzy’s lip trembled but she managed to squeak out, “Yeah.”

“Want me to ask if they can get you something? Maybe a glass of wine?”

Lizzy shook her head. “I’ll be fine. Thank you, though.”

“You’re welcome.”

She leaned against the side of the aircraft and thought about seeing Luke and Liam. She really did need Luke. He’d understand in a way not even Jane could. Luke had lost a couple of favourites and he blamed himself for those deaths. If he could deal with that, she could, too.

She was nervous, there was no denying that. Liam was silly, flamboyant, even embarrassing. How could reserved, sensible Luke want to be with someone who wore neon pink feather boas in his online profile?