Flicker (18 page)

“My parents would have loved you, they were scientists before the end. They were the ones who helped set up the greenhouses to maximize the growing conditions. My mother always liked coming out here too; she would cut herself bouquets of flowers. Even though the Humblemen said that was wasteful, she’d always place a small vase in her room.”

“She’s not here anymore?”

“No, she’s gone.” His words turn cold, and I don’t press. He walks off, towards the corner of the greenhouse and opens a small gate I hadn’t noticed before as it was hidden by a large tree. He pushes it open, and disappears.

Curious, I follow him, and see him sitting in a tiny oasis I would have never found on my own. It’s a completely overgrown mess of a flower garden. Delightful in its lack of order, it goes against every other square inch of the Refuge.

“This was my mom’s. Her place.”

“Oh.” I cross my arms, stepping back towards the gate, feeling as if I intruded on a personal moment, scared to ask how his mom died. “I can leave.”

“No, stay, Lucy. I just never come here.  I should, I mean, it is really something, isn’t it?” The Nobleman brushes leaves off a small fountain, long dried out with wild roses wound around the base. A bench is nestled in the corner, and a small storage shed I have accessed from the other side creates the sidewall of the small garden.

“It’s a secret garden.”

“I love that book. Have you read it?” he asks, his interest piqued.

“Of course I have. I’ve read all the classics, though my favorite was Little Women.” I pluck a small rose from the fountain, twirling it in my hand. “I didn’t peg you for much of a reader. You know, with the way things are run here and all.” Wishing I hadn’t ruined this tender moment in his mother’s garden, I apologize.

“Nothing to be sorry for, Lucy, you don’t have to censor yourself with me,” he says gently, but the mood has shifted. Clearly the Nobleman doesn’t like me pointing out the injustices at the Refuge and maybe I have pushed him too far, too fast.

“We should finish up,” he says leaving the secret garden.

Feeling bad, I work on collecting bunches of feverfew quickly, a flower with small white petals with large yellow centers, though I know the real power of this plant lies in its leaves. Chewing them can relieve fever, but also headaches. I slip a few of them in the pocket of my dress.

“All set then?” he asks.

“We just need to drop them off with the Vessels who make salves, down the hall here.” I point in the direction we need to go, and we walk quietly next to one another. The Vessels we pass bow to him ceremoniously, and he brightens his light for their benefit. I wait with curiosity as Vessel Dignity pats my hand sweetly, thanking me more profusely then she has in the past, taking advantage of not being under the thumb of a Humbleman, smiling at the Nobleman the whole time. Everyone is caught in his mysterious spell. Apparently my friendship with the Nobleman has its benefits.

“We never see you in the Dining Hall, Lucy,” says Dignity.

“I usually eat in my room. Perfection does that, and I follow her lead,” I explain.

“You should come eat with us during our scheduled meal, people are asking about you. We have the same meal times.”

“Maybe.” I don’t commit, not sure I really want to give up the time I have alone with Hana and Timid each meal.

I follow the Nobleman back out to the hall, not sure where we are headed next.

“You still want to come with me?” he asks nervously. I nod yes and follow him down the hall, curious as to where our afternoon adventure will be. My chest is heavy, wishing for a way to lighten the mood, still unsure how I’m supposed to act around him, Should I be honored he wants to spend time with me? Angry with him for the way the Refuge is run? I settle on the most basic behavior modification: don’t make eye contact, because when I do, I forget everything else.

“Where are you taking me?”

“I promised you I would clear things up. I am a man of my word, Lucy.”

“Not Lucy for long,” I remark.

“What do you mean?”

“I have a Naming Ceremony in a few days. But I’m sure you know all about that.”

“I told you, it doesn’t work that way.”

“Then explain how it does work.” I’m growing irritated at this vague approach, I just what him to say what he means.

“I am trying.” He stops, and pushes open a large gate, letting me go through first. We walk down a flight of stairs that lead into a narrow passage.

“Are you taking me to King Arthur’s dungeon?”

“You know the Knights of the Round Table?”

“Sure, this could be an unknown chapter to one of his adventures, a strange man taking me down into a vault, never to be seen again.”

“Oh no, you will
see
down here, I can promise you that.” He opens a door at the end of the passage, and I am practically blinded with the amount of light flooding towards us. It’s such a stark contrast to the dark pathway we were just on, and I brace myself against the cold brick wall to keep from falling.

“Are you alright? Wait here, I’ll turn it down.” He rushes into the light, and I don’t see him for a moment. Then the light fades a bit, still intense, but I’m able to see his body walk towards me as my eyes adjust.

“What is this place?”

“This is the energy room. The reason The Light has power,” he says.

I shake my head not understanding, “Like electricity before the blackout?”

“Not exactly electricity, at least not the electricity you may have read about.

“What is it then?”

“Me.” He shrugs his shoulders and for the first time I see him not as a Nobleman, but as a person.

“Let me show you,” he says.

I take a step into the room, and the moment my foot sets down, a buzz surrounds us. I move back to the doorway and it silences.

“What was that?” I ask, my heart racing as I wring my hands together nervously, not wanting to expose my light, but wondering if maybe something inside me caused the buzz.

“Did you touch something?” he asks as his eyebrows knit together.

“No, I was just standing here.”

“It must be a fluke. Everything should be fine, let me show you what I mean about electricity, okay?”

I nod and take a step back across the entrance. Once again the buzzing noise starts up, like a loud charge.

“I don’t know about this, Nobleman.” I shake my head, feeling queasy as I look around, not understanding this place.

“Maybe it is still on too high, let me turn it down a bit more, okay?” He walks towards a panel on the wall to the right of the doorway, and places his hand against a sheet of metal. His touch causes the buzzing to calm and the lights to dim.

“What did you do?” I ask, feeling safe, or at least curious enough, to step towards the panel.

“As long as I sit in this chair, I’m the energy source,” he says, leading me to the center of the room. “I come here at night and sit. Well, I also try to sleep, but it’s hard considering my hands are buckled into these.” He points to the armrests on a glorified electric chair.

“Then what happens?”

“The light inside of me, the energy, is pulled out and channeled through these wires.” He shows me the thousands of tiny wires connected to the back of the chair. “They carry energy throughout the Refuge.”

“How did this … why are you … what happened to make you…?” I don’t know what to say, my mind is blown. When he is plugged in, he makes magic. I smile remembering Charlie, how he said the prophet here was a human battery. It all makes sense. He must have known more about The Light than he let on.

“Why am I their personal power plant?” He scoffs and scratches his head. His emerald eyes look fainter than they did a few minutes ago, like he’s drained. “Ask the Council, they have a reason.”

“I know their reason,” I say, shaking my head in disbelief. The power I feel at the Haven is real, however twisted the doctrine here is, that much is true. “You’re the literal Light, their prophet. Isn’t that what you believe?”

“Believe?” He shrugs. “I never had a choice, Lucy. I’m just like you.”

chapter twenty-four

I
walk out of the energy room and wait in the hall as the Nobleman turns the power up to the high volume we found it in. I’m not sure what to say to him. How do I ask a million questions without sounding rude or saying something that will get me thrown in a dark room? I decide to go with something basic.

“Want to eat those sandwiches you’ve been carrying?” I ask.

“I do, but I have been up all night, and then this morning before the Haven I was with you … I am exhausted,” the Nobleman explains.

“Oh, that’s okay.” I try to look past myself and see him for who he is. A human-battery, over operated, under fueled. It’s easy to see fatigue written under his illuminating eyes, the heaviness of his responsibility etched around his shoulders. “Rest. I will come back tonight.”

“Here?” He smiles in surprise. “You don’t mind?”

“Not at all.”

“Until tonight, then,” he says, parting ways with me in the hallway.

*****

That evening, after the girls have fallen asleep, I sneak out of my room. All afternoon I thought about the Nobleman, the Refuge, The Light. I thought of the things I wanted to say to him, the things I forgot to mention earlier when the Energy Room caused me to forget my priorities, caused me to forget myself.

Earlier a headache came on, but I was alone in my room, and though I tried to relieve it by chewing on a feverfew leaf it did nothing for the throb. I was able to erase the pain with the flicker of light in my palm without anyone questioning me. But this secret light of mine, the one Mom wants me to reveal, is gnawing away at me. Seeing the place the Nobleman works at night only confuses me further. I went to sleep extra early, wanting to be well rested for the Nobleman tonight, because tonight I’m going to be brave. I am going to be strong.

I’ve worked hard to memorize the corridors since the night I heard Basil forced into a room so I know my way around now. The hallway is filled with the light pitter-patter of my slippered-feet, but my heart pounds loud in anticipation of seeing the Nobleman again.

As I walk into the Energy Room, I’m surprised to see a small glow emitting from the space that was blindingly bright this afternoon. I walk in, careful to not bother him. The Nobleman wears a helmet with hundreds of wires connecting to the top, leading to the grid above him, and his eyes are shut. His hands are strapped to cuffs that pull the energy from him as well. He’s half-human, and I flush with shame at my thought. He is still a man, just one who is being outsourced.

“Nobleman?” I whisper, then regretting that I spoke his name. I shouldn’t wake him. His shoulders are relaxed for the first time since we’ve met, his legs are stretched in front of him. Charging the Refuge is a literal release.

“Lucy?” He opens his eyes, his face filled with a smile that brightens the room. “You came.”

“Of course I did.” I walk closer, feeling nervous around him all of a sudden. Sitting in the chair he controls so much.

“I slept all afternoon, so I could stay alert tonight, hoping you would come.” He pulls his legs in and sits up straighter. “Sorry I am not able to stand and offer you a seat. Not that you would want this one.” He laughs.

“I’m fine on the floor,” I say. I sit down next to him, tucking my feet under myself, trying not to look awkward in the dress I wear. “I miss my pants.”

“I have never seen a Vessel in pants.”

“That’s crazy,” I say without thinking. It isn’t
crazy.
It’s just different. I’m reminded of Charlie, how quick he was to say Dad was a lunatic for wearing his Hazmat suit, how much that hurt. “Sorry. That wasn’t nice of me. I meant I like wearing jeans, and sitting in them is easier.”

“That makes sense.”

We sit in a moment of silence, it isn’t awkward, but I don’t know where to begin with him.

“Lucy, what did you do with your free time before you came here, besides reading?” the Nobleman asks, relieving me of trying to figure out what to say.

Before it felt comfortable to be in this room, the awkwardness that overcame us in the garden gone, but seeing him in this chair, it’s obvious this is no game to him. This is his life, his everything. There’s a weight to that realization.

With a start, I remember this is
my life
too. This is
my everything
. My future hangs in the way this pans out, and I’m not interested in blindly being handed another cup of tea brimming with poison. This time I want to smash that cup against the wall. Goblets colliding, and whatever else is going on between the Nobleman needs to be sorted out before I play a question and answer game with him. I’ve never been coy, and now’s not the time to start, no matter how much he makes my heart pound or my cheeks to flush.

“I don’t really want to talk about hobbies. I mean, honestly, you confuse me. You know how everyone is obsessed with you, and honestly, I get that part. You’re this magic prophet, but I still don’t understand you. I asked to read the sacred texts and no one’s let me. You’re the prophet, yet you do nothing to help the people who serve you.”

“I told you,” he starts. “I’m not what you think.”

Boldly I raise my hand, stopping him. “I need answers. For starters, doesn’t it bother you that the Vessels can’t read?” My resentment for the inequality at The Light begins to rise.

“Of course I wish the system were different, but I am just one person, and not the person in charge.”

“Stop justifying yourself.” I shake my head in disgust. “You could at least do
something
.”

“Maybe….” He looks down at his hands, the buckles that rein him in.  “Lucy, you misunderstand me. I care about the Vessels. That is why I do this every night,
for them
. The women and children here are powerless. Starting a campaign for reading would make life worse for them.”

“That’s a coward’s response.”

“Easy for you to say, Lucy, this isn’t your life.”

“That’s the thing though, Nobleman, this is my life. I’m not stupid enough to think I’m leaving here anytime soon. The Councilmen want me to feel stuck, but I’ve been in a holding pattern my whole life. I want more.”

“More what?” The Nobleman is direct, but his question doesn’t scare me.

“I want to understand my purpose. My mom thinks that’s why I’m here, for a bigger calling.” I’m on the perimeter of my story and that’s where I need to stay until I can better gauge the Nobleman.

He doesn’t answer right away, and that’s the way it is with the Nobleman. He’s deliberate, as if his words hold a weight that he bears.

“Lucy, maybe you do have a calling to be here, a higher purpose, but that’s not really my area of expertise. Everything that’s happened to me has been out of my control. There’s been no choice. And so I hear what you are saying, about stepping up and doing more, but I’ve never been anything other than a tool for people.”

I blow the air out my cheeks, exhausted by the heft in every exchange between us. It’s not fair, but I’m putting on him every crappy thing that’s happened to me in sixteen years.

Knowing I need to step back and try to connect with the Nobleman in a less dramatic way, I start again. “So earlier, you asked what I did for fun.”

“Oh, so you’ll let me off the hook then, and stop making me feel bad for the person I am? The person I’m not.”

“For tonight.” I offer him a smile, and he accepts it. Like he’s been waiting for it, from me. The crack in the conversation somehow floods the room with more light, and I’m overcome, like I am at the Haven, with the euphoric feelings of letting go. I close my eyes, and lean back against the wall.

“I can go first, Lucy.”

“What?” I ask, blinking out of my light induced coma.

“Hobbies?” He laughs as I register what he’s talking about.

“I think you just like changing your light output to mess with people,” I tease.

“It’s only like this with you.”

“That’s what all the guys say.”

“All the guys?” the Nobleman sits up straighter.

I laugh, knowing just how many guys there has been.

“I’ve never had a boyfriend, if that’s what you’re getting at, Nobleman.”

“Boyfriend?” he asks, confused.

“And I thought I lived a sheltered life.” I can joke with him, which isn’t something I’ve ever been good at, but I’m relaxed in his presence. “A boyfriend is a boy you date, or did, I guess, before the blackout. Like before you get married you date a person, exclusively….” I move my hands around not knowing how to explain the concept Mom had described to me once after I read about it in a novel. I have no real world experience to compare it to. “Say you like someone and they like you back, and you don’t like anyone else, then they are your boyfriend or girlfriend.”

“So like the period before you are Bound?” he asks, raising his eyebrows. I blush when he gives me a teasing smirk, but I deserve it, I’m the one who brought up this discussion of relationships.

“Well, just because someone’s your boyfriend doesn’t mean you’ll be Bound to them. Things might not work and you could break up.”

“That does not happen here.”

“I know,” I say with a snort.

“But I’m teasing, Lucy, I know about boyfriends, and marriage, I’m a reader remember? My parents had mostly classics, stuff not totally offensive to The Light. But I would reread those books, just like you did, though we didn’t have a massive library like you.”

I like this connection, that he finds comfort in words just like me.

“So you’ve never had one?” he asks.

Lost in my memories of Dad in his study, I forget where the conversation left off. “One what?”

“A boyfriend.”

“Not even close.” I say, my lips pulling up into a smirk.

“I’ve never had a girlfriend, so there’s no reason to be nervous with me. I told you, we’re the same.”

“The same, huh?” I give him a full smile, though nowhere near as bright as his.

“The same.”

I know I’m not the
same
as the Nobleman, but in some small ways I think we are exactly alike. He told me he wants freedom when we sat on the ledge outside, I know that yearning. And my light, the one I don’t understand, connects us too; in ways I’m scared to understand.

I don’t want to sit in a chair like him. I don’t want to be strapped down to anything but at this moment, I’m glad his body is buckled down because I’m scared of touching him, of what that might do. Our bodies connecting, charged with the light between us, could cause anything to happen. Once we go down that rabbit hole, I might never get out, he might be everything I need, but more than I can handle.

The rush from his light is gone, and my eyelids droop, fighting to stay open. I stand, knowing if we are truly the same, there will be more time for us to talk.

“Are you going?” he asks quietly. From this angle he doesn’t look like a powerful prophet, he looks exhausted, worn out. Alone.

“I probably should, it’s going to be morning soon.” Even as I say the words, I wish I could take them back. I don’t really want to leave him here like this. I have this urge to crawl into his lap, to brush his hair from his face, to lull him to sleep with a fairy tale of running away.

Instead I slip out of the Energy Room, my heart beating fast, my feet taking me back to my chamber, before I give in to what my flesh suddenly craves. We match in ways I want to understand.