Flicker (17 page)

“I go back and forth among the Refuges, there’s three. I make my way around, staying a month or so at each place. The Head Councilman is in charge of where I go and how long I stay.”

“Is that Councilman Discernment?” I ask.

“No,” he shakes his head. “The Councilmen here don’t get much say in anything I do. They wish they did, well except for Integrity; he’s the only decent one, although he’s on the outs. The Head Councilmen gets to call the shots, and he lives at Refuge One. He thinks he’s a father to me, but he isn’t. He’s nothing.” He explains the facts with loathing in his voice.

“But when you were younger, where’d you live?”

“Lucy, it’s been like this forever. I go where I’m needed, but I don’t get to choose.” He pushes the hair from his eyes, looking out towards the water.

“I get what you mean about not having choices, but not the being needed part.”

“You were never needed?”

“Never. My parents never planned on having a child. I just happened, and some people didn’t think I should’ve been born. I’ve always been in the way.”

“I read on your test about when you were born.”

I feel exposed, having forgotten he spoke with the Council about me. There’s a vulnerability to being with him alone, outside on the ledge, but I’m not scared. Being next to him is the opposite of terrifying, it’s freeing. His questions feel sincere, and I forget the things I hold against him, grateful to have someone to talk plainly with. I’ve never had that luxury.

“You said you were born when the world became dark, why did you write that?” he asks, not looking at me, looking somewhere far away, over the trees of the island, towards the Sound. Maybe he craves freedom the same way I do.

“Because it’s true.” I explain. “I was born the night all the lights went out, sixteen years ago. My mom has told me the story a million times, everyone was down in the hatch, and they’d been there for over a week. The virus had been spreading like wildfire. Well, they had power from the outside world still, and watched the broadcasts on a television, you know what that is?”

He nods yes, so I continue. “The television kept reporting how the virus was spreading on other continents, like how they all had been infected and no survivors. Mom says each day another part of the world was taken out by it. America was still hanging on … until they didn’t anymore. Mom said the reports stopped on the TV, because everyone was dying. And that’s when her contractions started. She was going into labor, with me.”

“Keep going,” he urges. I continue, feeling safe with him though I’ve never told this story before.

“She says when she started pushing, ready to deliver, a buzzing sound filled the air, like an electric charge. Then when I was born, the power went out completely and it never came back on. So I was born in the dark.”

When I finish my story we sit in silence. I peek over at the Nobleman, curious of his response, but he sits still, motionless as if thinking of something far from the ledge. Taking a bite of my apple, I think of an appropriate thing to say next.

Recalling my offense, I start up again, “Why are my answers so important to the Council anyway?”

The question startles him, and he turns to me, as if just remembering I’m here.

“It’s just how you wrote it on your paper,
Born the day the world grew dark, always searching for more light.
It’s an awful lot like the sacred texts.”

“That’s strange,” I say. “What are the odds of that?”

“It’s more than strange.”

“Are you going to say I cheated too, like the Council? I thought the deal was no Light stuff. I was just telling you about the day I was born.”

“Whoa, easy, Lucy. I don’t want to upset you. I just, I wanted to understand is all.”

Thunder booms overhead, and lightening breaks through the grey clouds, but his illumination doesn’t dim, in fact he’s brighter than the flashes above us. I cower to the window, ready to step back inside, but I need to say my piece first, no longer interested in his mesmerizing glow or his sensitive, listening ears.

“Understand this, Nobleman, I don’t care about The Light. The people here are callous and the way you treat girls is terrible and I just….” Crap. My heart stops as I remember the girls, Hana and Timid, and my anger drops, replaced with fear. “I’m sorry, but I need to go. I need to check on my girls. I was supposed to get them a pass from their duties, and I forgot. I’ll bet they’re in darkened cells again, by now.” I hurry through the window, not able to believe my carelessness.

“Here, let me help,” the Nobleman comes to the window I scrambled through. Thunder rumbles in the sky, echoing across the horizon.

“No, I need time to think, just, let me be … okay?”

I rush down the staircase, the Nobleman trailing after. Once I make it the bottom, I race to my room and swing open my door. I’m too late. The girls aren’t here and it’s entirely my fault for where they’ve gone.

chapter twenty-three

I
spin around the room, wishing they still slept, but they don’t. Running back to the hall, I search for them, hoping to catch them walking towards me with a tray of food or a laundry basket, but no one is there. Hana or Timid can’t go back to the dark room, not after what they did to Basil. Losing these sweet girls on account of my carelessness is not an option.

The Nobleman catches up to me in the hallway, “Lucy, what’s going on?”

“You tell me, you’re God to these people. Why do you want to lock up little girls? Tell me!” I scream at him, drawing a crowd around us. As the Nobleman retreats a few steps back, I realize he isn’t used to being spoken to this way.

“Lucy, I haven’t done anything to any girls.” His voice stays calm, as mine grows fierce.

“Then where are they?” I shout.  “What did Honor do to them?”

“I did nothing, you foolish Vessel.” Honor’s unyielding voice is behind me; I spin to see her. The girls are by her side, eyes wide and stunned by the scene I’ve created.

Relief washes over me, and I run to them, pulling them into a tight embrace.

“Oh thank god. I thought….” I kiss their heads as I press them close.

“Well, you can stop with all your presuming, and begin reigning yourself in,” Honor tells me, her voice covered in ice.  “Otherwise measures will be taken with you.”

“Are you threatening her?” the Nobleman asks Honor.

“There’s protocol here, Nobleman, you know better than anyone. We must observe them.”

“I will be the one giving out
measures
while I’m here.”

“Yes, Your Nobleman.” Honor bows to him, and then begins to speak to the crowd around us, “The morning service will begin in the Haven soon, that’s where all of you should be.”

I turn to Honor, my words cold, “I’ll be resting in my room this morning, my helpers will stay with me.”

She gives a loud huff, and then walks away with the other Vessels towards the Haven. The Nobleman stays with me as Timid and Hana slip back into my room.

I swallow, trying to regain my composure, after just having lost it in front of the others. “I’m not sorry for getting angry, if an apology is what you’re waiting for.”

“I don’t want an apology. I know you feared the Vessels were in trouble, but I don’t think you understand why I’m important to The Light. You misunderstand me, Lucy.”

“Did you plan on clearing the
misunderstanding
up, or am I supposed to just keep on guessing?” I’m sick of being two steps behind; it’s time for him to explain.

“I have to hold the service in the Haven now, but later I will show you.” His eyes search mine, and I don’t turn away, I let him look. He sees my fear of being a piece in someone else’s game. “Once you see it for yourself, you’ll understand me.” There’s a rawness to his urging that makes it easy to accept him. I
want
to accept him, have faith in him, because I have faith in nothing else.

“I want to understand you.”

My words cause his light to brighten, as though a weight has been lifted from his weary shoulders. Believing in him is the only choice I have anymore, and though I don’t understand him, I want to.

I turn without another word and shut my bedroom door, burying myself under my covers. Timid and Hana sit down on my bed, but I don’t want to face them knowing I’ve let them down. I shouted at the Nobleman and falsely accused Honor, not to mention I didn’t get them the pass from their duties like I promised. I’m a fool who’s putting her faith in a guy she hardly knows. I’d ask Mom what she thinks I should do, but I know her answer. She’s told me what to do, show the Council my light and find a way to secure our place here. Ignore the bad parts of this place, and focus on the good. The food and shelter and relative safety.

The girls lay on either side of me and, though I’ve buried myself from their sight, I know they’re waiting for me to unearth myself. I’ve never had practice with sisters or apologies before, and I try to think of what I’d want someone to say to me in this situation. The answer is simple; all I’d want is honesty. I can give them that. Pulling down the covers, I sit up as brave as possible and look into their eyes. “I’m sorry for scaring you girls.” My voice quakes as I apologize. “It wasn’t right to shout, and not follow through on my promise.”

“No one cared about me before you Lucy,” Timid whispers in the quiet room. The world has stopped around us, a small cocoon of safety has nestled itself in this bed. Three girls brought together, all missing crucial pieces of love and security in our hearts, but all of us wanting to find them.

I reach out and grab their hands, holding them tight as tears spill on my cheeks. Timid’s not alone in how she feels, so many people have feigned their care for me, too. Dad was willing to kill me and the Council has plans they’ve never let me in on.

“I’m sorry, Timid. I never want you or Hana to feel alone again.” I kiss their foreheads again, showing affection in this unfamiliar way, knowing the words I speak are true. Outside thunder and lightening battle across the sky, and for the first time I’m thankful to be tucked away in this Refuge. We can rest in this covering of peace in my bed, an ominous calm before the storm I know is coming.

*****

“Lucy, wake up.” Hana stands over the bed, shaking me. “The Nobleman’s here for you.”

“How long have we been sleeping?” I stand and move towards the door. ”Where’s Timid?”

“She’s just coming back from getting your lunch. We’re okay, are you?”

“I’m okay, just been a long day.”

“It’s only noon, Lucy, there’s still plenty of day left, and I heard a rumor in the laundry center I thought you might want to know about.”

“What is it? Good news, please.”

“The Council decided our Naming Ceremony will be held in three days.”

The news could have been worse, and I let go of the breath I hold.  “As long as no one forces us to be Bound, I can handle a new name.”

“I don’t want a new name, Lucy.” Her chin quivers, giving way tears she tried to keep at bay. “My mom gave me my name, it’s all I have left of her.”

“What was she like?” I push dark hair from her eyes, tucking it behind her ear.

“She always called me Hana-Banana, but I’ve never eaten a banana; it was a yellow fruit from before the blackout. She told me I was as silly as the monkeys who ate them, then she’d trace on my hand a picture of a banana.” Hana takes my hand and traces a crescent moon; my skin tingles at her small finger against my palm.

“My mom did that the night she was taken,” Hana whispers. “No one will ever call me Hana-Banana again. I’ll be called by a new name, and the old me will disappear just like Basil.”

“Hana, you won’t disappear because of some Naming Ceremony. You carry the memories of your mom everywhere you go.”

“You think so?” she asks in earnest, while wiping the tears from her face.

“I know so, and no matter what name you receive at the ceremony, you will always be Hana to me.”

“Promise?”

“Always.”

The brave face she puts on melts my heart. Vessels are required to change in radical ways, causing us to lose the most basic pieces of ourselves the closer we walk towards the light, yet Hana is fighting to remember the girl she used to be in the safety of her mother’s arms. There doesn’t seem to be a way out of this web, and I find myself inching closer to the center the more invested I become in these girls.

I give Hana a hug. “I don’t want to keep the Nobleman waiting any longer, so take care to stay out of trouble, promise?”

She nods her head as her smile returns.

I slip out the door and find the Nobleman waiting in the hall for me; I didn’t expect him to be right here. Our eyes meet and I freeze, unable to move. He captivates me in ways I don’t need. In ways I want.

“Lucy.” He’s out of breath, and I have an insane urge to press myself against him, and touch my lips against his illuminating mouth, giving him all the oxygen inside of me. I know he must feel the same way because he licks his lips before looking away from me.

“I’m here. I’m right here.”

I close my eyes, unsure of the feelings swirling inside of me. Sure, I’ve seen couples at the compound steal kisses in the kitchen, wrap arms around one another, but it was never something I considered for myself. I never thought of being intimate with a person, in that way, until I saw Charlie, the cowboy who saved Mom and me.

But even that was different than the feelings stirring inside me when I look at the Nobleman. Charlie is my age and he helped me in a desperate moment, he was kind and gentle, but my words got caught up in my throat when I was with him. I don’t want to be held back anymore, by anyone or anything. I want to spill out, all the hidden parts of me.

The Nobleman’s role in the Refuge makes me ill, but the way his words hang in the air when he speaks to me makes me want to pick up the place where he left off.

“What are you doing to me?” he asks, granting me a small smile that sweeps his lips. He takes a step closer to me in the hallways and I let myself look at him again. Before I can answer, Timid meets us holding a tray in her hands, filled with my lunch.

“Are you hungry? I brought some sandwiches back,” Timid asks, setting the tray down in the room.

“You don’t eat with the rest of the Vessels?” the Nobleman asks.

“No, I eat in my room, with my helpers. I avoid the crowds at all costs.”

“I know what you mean.” He turns to Timid, “Do you mind if we take them with us? We have an errand to run.” 

“Of course, Your Nobleman, whatever you wish.” Timid bows low to him, signifying her respect. She wraps two sandwiches in napkins and hands them over.

He puts them in the small bag he carries before he kneels down and takes Timid’s tiny hands in his. “I am sorry for my part in scaring you this morning. Lucy and I never meant to hurt you.”

His light fills her face and her smile radiates. I blink back tears at the gentle words he speaks to the girl whom I’ve grown so close with. When she returns to the room, I avert my eyes from his; he unravels me one sentence at a time, compounding the opposing feelings rushing through me.

“Before we do whatever you had in mind, I need to make a stop at the flower garden, I haven’t done my job today.”

“Oh, alright, you could skip though, I can get you a pass.”

“No offense, but I don’t want a free pass from you. I like my job there,” I say, annoyed at his presumption.

“Right, of course.” He nods quickly, frowning.

“You don’t have to come.” 

“No, you misunderstood. I didn’t think you particularly enjoyed Perfection’s company … so I wanted to help you avoid that….”

“Oh.” I bite my lip, realizing I was just as presumptuous as I accused him of being. “Actually Perfection doesn’t come anymore, we’ve kind of made a deal. Stick to our own territory sort of thing?”

“Even better.” He smiles now, and I look away, a blush rising on my cheeks.

We’re able to avoid the heavier topics at hand by collecting the items posted on the bulletin board. “You get the sage, and I’ll gather the feverfew.” I pick up a small wicker basket and the Nobleman follows suit, putting gloves on his hands and reaching out to hand me a pair.

“Oh, no thank you,” Not wanting to appear rude I explain, “Growing up I wore gloves all the time, it was part of the ‘sanitation precaution,’ but really it was just neurotic. I couldn’t leave my house without a Hazmat suit on, and it’s just crazy thinking of it now because there was nothing in the air that would have hurt us.”

“So you have a bad history with hand wear, is what your saying.”

“To put it mildly. Also, I mean, more than that, I just want my hands to feel the dirt. It’s kind of a miracle, you know, that so many people died sixteen years ago, but these plants survived.”

“We didn’t die. Are we miracle’s too?”

“Maybe.” I walk away, down the center path of the greenhouse, careful to keep an appropriate distance from the Nobleman. “Do you feel like a miracle?”

“I feel like you are backing me into a corner with that question, there is no way I can answer it without sounding like an ass.”

“An ass, huh?” I laugh, not expecting that sort of language from him.

“How do you know so much about these plants anyways?” The Nobleman is on his knees rooting around curly parsley, clearly in need of help.

“I read a lot growing up.” I walk back to him and point to the sage. “See here, smell the sage, good right? If you can’t identify them, you can know them by their fragrance. Most of the herbs and perennials here are really potent.”

“So you read books on … um … botany?” He awkwardly snips a few bunches of sage, setting them with care in the basket as if it’s a brittle plant.

“Yeah, I mean Dad always said I had a voracious appetite for books, but the real reason I read was because the compound I grew up in was the size of this greenhouse. There wasn’t much to do considering I was the only kid. So I read anything and everything. But the books on plants and wildlife always held my attention the longest, I think because it was something forbidden. ”