Flight (30 page)

"That's terrific. Thanks. I love hearing about how fucked up my life was, how everyone treated me like shit, and especially this new development about how I'm the evil seventh demon who's gonna enact eternal vengeance on the world and kill an entire race of sentient beings."

He's got nothing to say to this.

"You called me pathetic back in the room last night. That's the most pathetic thing I've ever heard. That's what you said, right? Yet you're such a coward. You're pathetic, Gideon. You, not me. You throw this shit in my face, the fact that you know everything and I don't, well, that's just fucking great for you, then, isn't it? But I do what I have to do to stay alive, that's why I don't want to know the things they're not telling me. I do what I have to."

I watch him struggle as he turns his head away from my eyes and we sit there in silence for several long minutes, me staring blankly at the opposite wall, and him with his head in his hands.

Eventually I turn my back and face the concrete. I can see small insects busy up near the ceiling and normally this would bother me enough to sit up or at the very least limit body contact with the wall. But I don't care. I'm tired. And not just in the sleepy way, either. I'm tired of walking, of fighting, and of wondering what nightmare is gonna come up to haunt me next.

I just don't give a shit. Those fuckers can crawl into my mouth and slide down my throat for all I care. I've been through worse. Besides, they're full of protein.

"It wasn't all bad, ya know."

My eyes open at his voice, but I don't turn around. "What was good about it then?"

"I took you once."

I roll over and look over at him. "Took me where?"

He smiles and this time it's real. "I took you out. It was supposed to be for an overnight training maneuver, but," he shrugs, "I lied, we just fucked off for three days."

"How did this happen?"

"You were almost ten and I was fifteen. I was only back at camp for a few weeks and then I had to leave again for training." He stops and I feel inside him for the first time, searching for the memory and choosing words. I can feel him like he's Isten.

"And I hadn't see you in a year almost. So I waited for them to bring you back that night because they had you down in the tunnels, doing something horrible, which I won't tell you about. But anyway, you came back upset, all crying, your face all stained with tears and dirt and your hair a mess. It was hard for me to see you when they were ripping you apart like that.

"Anyway, you came running over to me and hugged me, chatting me up like there's nothing wrong with how we live and what we do. So, you're right about that, Junco," he looks at me sideways from the corner of his eye, "you do have an exceptionally well-developed coping mechanism for the pain. You've always had that on your side. It's hard to be mad at the things you push down, because I can't blame you. I'd have done it, if I knew how."

I let out a deep breath. "Some people think that makes me a monster. Or insane. Annun said as much back on Amelia. Asked me straight up what the limit was on my indifference." I look at Gideon's eyes. They are green in my night vision. "And I've come to the conclusion that there is no limit. I can get rid of all of it."

He looks away when he answers. "I'd take that over living with it any day."

"You were saying?"

"Yeah, so I talked them into letting me take you out for stalker training. Told them, lied to them actually, that we were gonna hunt nightdogs. And they said yes."

He smiles and then lets out a short laugh. "It kind of took me off guard, but they said yes. I packed you up in a prairie buggy and we headed north a few hundred miles, to this little marsh that popped up when we had all that rain?" He asks the question like it's something I should remember, except I don't. "And I gave you this little notebook and some colored pencils."

He stops and looks over at me, his face slightly saddened with the story. "I wish you could remember this, Junco. I made you so happy."

My throat tightens up and I have to get a hold of my breathing before I reply. "Me too, Gid."

"I gave you those pencils and that notebook and then I went fishing."

"What did I do?"

He smiles again. "Whatever you wanted, Junco. I let you do whatever you wanted for three whole days. You splashed around in the marsh, caught frogs, picked weedy little flowers, and drew everything you saw and wrote little notes next to the pictures. Like you were a biologist or something. I still have that notebook, ya know."

I'm stunned. "Where?"

A grin spreads across his face. "Back at my house. I don't normally work out of the Northern Territories, Juncs. I only came back recently to wait for you to show up."

He stares at me, waiting for me to ask him questions. I swallow. "So how could you work for my father, Gid? I don't understand why everyone is so willing to overlook his part in all this. He was not
that
good to me, he was not
that
careful."

"I don't work for him, Junco. I said I work for your mother. And the only reason I agreed was because I had to get back to you. She was my only chance."

He waits for the implications of his statement to sink in before continuing.

"Working with them is just a means to an end, and the end is coming up fast, so we really gotta get our shit together."

I'm afraid to ask after what Selia told me last night, but I do anyway. "What is the end, Gid?"

"Get the Siblings and get the fuck off this planet before they destroy the whole fucking thing."

"You're coming back with us?"

He shrugs. "If they let me, yes."

"Why am I like this, Gideon? How is it possible that I can recall the key to ancient Sumerian cuneiform from third year, yet I've lost all of you? Most of my father? It makes no sense."

He plays with something in his hand for a few seconds before answering. "They started wiping your memory of your camp time when you were only a little girl. I went to get you one day, you said you'd help me move cows – were excited about it even because they never let you ride at the camp. So it was gonna be a fun day for you. And when I found you in your room, you had no idea who I was. Just gone."

My mind goes backward in time and I see a small room. Just one bed and one chair. But then it drifts off and I can't know for sure if it was real.

"That was the first time, when you were eight."

"Eight? Why eight?"

"They fucked up your training somehow and couldn't get you to do anything. You shut down because of the prairie lions."

The nerve of me.

"They did it again when you were ten, after I left and you ran away. That's what I heard anyway. That you went home with your dad and started telling everyone who'd listen that you were off killing people for the RR."

My eyes dart around the room as I look for this memory, but it's gone. "Any more?"

He nods and takes a deep breath. "Yeah, the summer right before you turned seventeen. You killed–"

"A trainer. I remember that one."

He shakes his head. "No, that was after. You killed the kids."

My mouth drops open. "What?"

"The mutant kids, the monsters. You found them in the outer perimeter buildings at the Stag and you killed them. They erased that shit immediately – weren't even careful about it either. You were never really the same. I didn't see you after that, but there were stories that you went insane. Starting erasing things all on your own. Making gaps and filling it in with made-up shit."

"My father did this?"

He nods. "He signed off on every bit of it."

"So, how did all you guys end up on the same team, Gideon? It makes no sense."

He lets out a little air, a half-laugh maybe. "Junco, there are worse people out there than your father. He was not in on the RR plan, he was a plant from day one. Long before you were born. He saved me too, ya know. I realize he's got a lot of crimes to answer for, but–"

"And you just put up with it?"

"I told you, I came back to help you. They were just the path that got me here."

"Will they try and keep me? Lucan is very worried about that point. Unreasonably so. I mean, he gave me a gift that lets me summon him. And it wasn't because he thought I'd be in trouble, or in a bad fight or something like that. It was because he thought I'd stay with Subjack."

Gid shakes his head. "I don't think so, Junco. Tier threatened them pretty good. And if you have this power, to summon that Lucan guy, well, that should be enough to stop them if they do try."

I look down at my finger and almost touch it with my other hand. I pull it back as soon as I realize it might activate with the slightest touch. "It's in my finger, Gideon. The summons is in my finger. But it only works one time."

"You shouldn't tell me secrets like that, Junco."

"Why not?"

"You're too trusting, for all the shit you've been through, you are way too trusting. Sera was right. You want to believe so bad. But don't. Don't believe anyone."

I look away. "I can't live like that, Gideon. I can't."

"I know, it's hard. But you can. When people tell you stuff from now on, you look for proof first. Always get the proof, Snowbird."

The proof.
My father's words are in my head. I reach into my pocket and pull out the small envelope he gave me before we left.

"What's that?"

"Proof." I fold open the envelope and pull out a datacard. It's not something I've ever seen before so I hold it up to Gideon. "You know what this is?"

He squints at it for a moment, then puts out his hand. I drop the little card and watch as he takes out his com and loads it in, then waits a few seconds and hands it back. "Just push the green button."

I push it and my father's face comes across the screen. He's standing in our house courtyard and the sound of the songbirds in the trees behind him makes my stomach twist in pain.

"I have to leave, Junco. I can't say any more and I can't even leave this behind for you. But know that I love you. Hopefully I'll have the chance to give this to you in the future and you'll understand. And never forget that you'll always have a home here." He looks ages younger than he did the last time I saw him. Ages, even though it can't possibly be more than four years since he made this video. The feed ends and then there is nothing but black.

I hand the com back to Gid, not even bothering to take out the datacard. Who cares who sees it now. Everyone knows my dad lives as Subjack. This proof is only meaningful to one person besides himself. And that's me.

"What's that mean, Junco? Never forget that you'll always have a home here."

I sigh. "It's a code we had."

"Obviously. For what?"

I sit there for a few moments, thinking about what our code means. But there's nothing I can do right now. And if I don't get out of this stupid mission alive, then I'll never be able to do anything about it.

I change the subject, heeding Gideon's caution from earlier. "So, where's your proof, Gideon?"

He smiles, grins actually, and unzips a pocket on his sleeve and removes a piece of paper. "I thought you'd never ask."

He hands it over and I take it, then turn it around in my hand to make right side up. It's an honest-to-God paper picture of us. We are not kids. I am a teen and he's already a man. We have on summer clothes – shorts and tank for me – and he's shirtless and has his arm casually draped across my shoulder. We are both smiling. "When?" I breathe.

"Right before that last memory wipe. It was the last time I saw you. Until that day outside Selia's place."

I look at our closeness carefully. "Did I love you?"

He smiles. "Did you?"

"I might've."

He laughs but that seems to be the signal that this conversation is over.

I take it all in, then squirm around, trying to get out of the way of a rock that has found its way under my hip. The annoying little bump doesn't move so I sit up and reach around to fling it away. I find something small and smooth instead of a rock and I pull it up to my face to see it. Jasus. It's like every cryptic message passed to me in the last decade is surfacing right now.

"What's that?" Gideon is craning his neck to see what I've got.

"It's the little compass Tier gave me back on Amelia. Must have fallen out of my pocket."

I straighten up and feel for the latch, then open it.

It glows in the night vision and the little needle wobbles for a few seconds before settling.

"Don't you have a compass in your helmet?"

I look up. "It's not for that."

"What's it for then?"

I stare at the needle for a few seconds. "It points to my true north, when I feel lost here on Earth."

"So where's it pointing?"

"It's pointing to me." I smile and lie back down, still looking at it in my hand.

Gid sits in silence for a few seconds, maybe waiting to see if I elaborate. But I don't. "OK, well, go to sleep now. We have to get going and you can't fight when you're tired."