Floods 3 (7 page)

In the Himalayas the mist had lifted and the sun shone down into a two-coloured world. Above, the sky was a bright clear blue. Everything else was covered in a layer of fresh white snow that had fallen during the night. It was as if no living creature had ever set foot in this high valley. The stable itself was almost hidden beneath a large snowdrift.

Inside the stable the air was warm and humid, filled with the sweet smell of damp hay. Baby Valla lay in his manger, gurgling quietly to himself as he sucked his thumb. Being a wizard, with a touch of vampire from his great-great-grandfather on his mother's side, he already had tiny fangs, and
soon punctured his own skin. This would make a human baby cry, but as Valla tasted his own blood, a contented grin spread across his little face. His parents lay together, half buried in the straw below the manger, and across the stable Vessel lay curled up at the Queen's feet dreaming of cheese.

George was gradually eating his way through the Queen's bed when she woke with a shudder and sat up.

‘What is it, my queen?' said Vessel. ‘Are you cold?'

‘Go on, blame it on me,' George whinged. ‘Can't even eat a bit of breakfast without someone complaining.'

‘No, it's not the cold,' said the Queen. ‘I felt the icy hand of death on my shoulder. The Hearse Whisperer comes behind us and she is one who will never rest until she has found us.'

‘The Hearse Whisperer?' said Nerlin. ‘My grandfather used to speak of her, but none of us believed she was real.'

‘We must leave,' said the Queen. ‘The further
away we get, the better. I knew the King would send people after us, but I never thought he would use someone as evil as the Hearse Whisperer.'

‘We need to find some food for our new baby,' said Mordonna. ‘I know puncturing your own veins is a great way to keep a deadly pale complexion, but I'd rather not.'

‘Blood, blood, blood,' gurgled Valla.

‘Oh bless him,' said the Queen. ‘Look at that blood round his little mouth. What an angel.'

‘Who's mummy's little vampire?' said Mordonna fondly as baby Valla sunk his fangs into her thumb. ‘But, oww, oww, we really need to find him some food, like, oww, oww, as soon as possible.'

‘We can get supplies from a blood bank,' said the Queen.

‘Hello?' said Nerlin. ‘Himalayas? I don't see any branches of Bloods R Us.'

‘Oh, I don't know,' said Vessel, knowingly. ‘It wouldn't surprise me if there was one up here somewhere. I mean, mountain climbers are always having accidents. I would have thought there'd be quite a demand.'

Nerlin put his son in his backpack, helped Mordonna up onto George's back and the party went out into the blinding whiteness. It almost felt like spring rather than the depths of winter, provided you were a penguin or a yeti.

‘I might have known,' George moaned, ‘every blade of grass is buried under tonnes of snow.'

Mountain after mountain, joined by a line of
deep valleys, lay ahead of the travellers, but just as Vessel had predicted, a mile or so past the stable there was a small wooden hut half buried in a snow drift. Above its door hung a sign:

‘Morning, ladies and gents,' said the man behind the counter. ‘What can I do for you on this bright, almost spring-like morning?'

‘Sixty litres of your finest red,' said Vessel, ‘to go.'

‘What group?'

‘All of them,' said Vessel.

‘I've only got fifty-eight litres in stock,' said the shopkeeper. ‘Hold on. I'll nip out the back and get some more.'

The man vanished into a room at the back of the shop and, after a few loud screams followed by
silence, he returned with two more bottles and a big bandage on his arm.

‘There you go, squire,' he said. ‘That'll be fifteen sovereigns.'

‘Here's twenty-five,' said the Queen. ‘An extra two as a tip and eight to forget you ever saw us if anyone comes asking.'

‘Is someone likely to?' the man asked.

‘I'm afraid so,' said Vessel, handing the man a small pill box. ‘I'd advise you to take these three times a day for the next week or so.'

‘What are they?'

‘Heavy duty painkillers. Some of the people following us are not very nice,' said Vessel. This was an extremely huge understatement, but he knew that if told the blood bank man just how not nice they were, he would probably run away with them. ‘I think we should probably hypnotise you too and do a bit of memory reformatting in your brain, just to be on the safe side,' Vessel added.

Mordonna uncapped a one-litre bag of blood and popped the nozzle into Valla's mouth. He
kicked his little legs with such excitement he nearly fell out of Nerlin's backpack.

Fifty-nine litres of blood flopping about in two saddlebags gave George something else to moan about as they set off down the valley. Gradually the snow grew thinner until at last they were below the snow line. They followed a path along a river that jumped and sparkled over bare rocks. Grass began to appear, then stunted trees and small groups of houses with people who waved as they passed.
They stopped in a village and bought food before moving on again.

‘Rubbish grass,' said George. ‘Tastes like mulch.'

‘We really need to get off this main path,' said Vessel. ‘This is the first place they will look for us.'

‘What, you mean find somewhere where the grass is even crappier?' said George.

‘Where exactly are we going?' said the Queen.

‘Wherever it is, I bet it's somewhere bleak and cold with really tough grass,' said George.

‘We're going East,' said Vessel. ‘When we get to Shanghai we will find a boat. Then we'll decide where to go from there.'

‘Shanghai?' said the Queen. ‘How romantic. Are we going to travel along the famous Silk Road?'

‘If only we could,' said Vessel. ‘But the King will have spies all along that road. No, we will take the older and lesser-known road, the Cardboard Road.'

Eventually, after three days of hacking through undergrowth, following themselves, setting traps for and catching each other, Cliché, Stain and Ooze reached the Valley of the Sages and Other Herbs. The first thing they saw was the Hearse Whisperer sitting on a rock filing her nails.

‘You three couldn't follow your own fingers if they were on the ends of your hands and were pointing where you had to go,' she said.

The three spies, who hadn't the faintest idea that the Hearse Whisperer was the King's secret, secret agent, tried to ignore her, but as they walked past she put out her foot and tripped the first one, sending the other two crashing down on top of him.

‘Oops,' she said. ‘Now why don't you just go back home and get killed by the King? You are the crappiest spies in the whole history of spying and you couldn't find a snowflake in a blizzard, never mind catch a princess, her husband, her mother, the mother's servant and a donkey.'

‘How do you know about that?' said Cliché.

‘Assuming that's what we are doing, of course,' Stain added hastily. ‘Which we're not.'

‘No, of course we're not,' said Ooze. ‘We don't know what you're talking about. We're just doing a bit of hiking.'

‘Oh, yes, that's right,' said Cliché. ‘What princess?'

‘Look, I work for the King,' said the Hearse Whisperer. The three idiots might be of some use to her, though she couldn't exactly see how. ‘He sent me here to help you,' she added.

‘Oh,' said Stain.

‘So, you're on your way to …?' Cliché began, hoping the Hearse Whisperer knew where they were supposed to be going.

‘Yes, absolutely.'

‘To see the umm, the err …' said Ooze.

‘Yes.'

‘Excellent,' said Stain. ‘We'll follow you.'

‘No, no, you lead the way,' said the Hearse Whisperer.

‘Wouldn't dream of it,' said Cliché.

‘Ladies first,' said Ooze.

‘You don't know where you're going, do you?'

‘Well, umm, err, no.'

‘To find the Sheman?' prompted the Hearse Whisperer.

‘We knew that,' said Ooze.

‘Yes, we just wanted to make sure you really were on our side,' Stain added.

‘Yeah right,' said the Hearse Whisperer. ‘Come on, let's go then.'

When they reached the caves, it was obvious which one was the Sheman's as there was laundry hanging up to dry outside and a recycling bin with a takeaway lentil container and a pair of organic socks in it. It didn't take them long to realise the Sheman was not there.

‘She's escaped!' the Hearse Whisperer wheezed, setting fire to the Sheman's cave in frustration.

Stain got down on all fours and began to sniff the ground.

‘This way,' he said, heading towards the
cave that led to the Sanctuary Trail. They slid and tumbled down the icy mountain path until they reached the stable where Valla had been born.

‘I smell new life,' said Stain sticking his head in the manger. ‘Baby boy, no more than a few hours old.'

The Hearse Whisperer vented her anger by setting the manger alight. She did this a few seconds before Stain pulled his head out of the straw. The spy screamed and fell on the floor clutching his left ear. A strong smell of fried bacon filled the air.