Following Ezra

Table of Contents

 

 

“
Following Ezra
is a revelation. I could not put it down. Life rarely goes according to plan, and too often we try to control situations that are beyond our control. In this life-affirming book, Tom Fields-Meyer offers a rare gift: He teaches that the things we least plan for can become our greatest treasures. This inspiring memoir of a father raising (and being raised by) his autistic son is a great lesson about patience and the blessings that can come when we let our unique children lead us.”

—Naomi Levy, author of
To Begin Again
and
Hope Will Find You

 

“A riveting account of raising one special boy,
Following Ezra
is a powerful story for parents of any child. This inspiring book shows us that seeing meaning and depth in our children’s idiosyncrasies is crucial to raising strong, secure, and resilient kids. Tom Fields-Meyer has written a beautiful, funny, tender book. I highly recommend it.”

—Michael Gurian,
New York Times
bestselling author of
The Wonder of Boys
and
Nurture the Nature

 

“In a world with such narrow yet outsized definitions of success, this enchanting and profound book is a reminder that each child is made in God’s image. I was sad to reach the last page. I’ll miss following the exuberant Ezra.”

—Wendy Mogel, PhD, author of
The Blessing of a Skinned Knee
and
The Blessing of a B Minus

 

“I look for love in books about children. I trust the parent who yields to wonder and celebrates the unexpected. I honor the writer who tells a family story with dignity, clarity, and grace. Love is the river that runs through this book. Dignity and grace light each page.”

—Beth Kephart, National Book Award finalist
for
A Slant of Sun
and author of
Undercover

 

“Anyone who is raising a child with special needs should read
Following Ezra
. It shows how warmth and humor—yes, humor—can help not just the child, but the family, more than most of us could ever imagine.”

—James Patterson,
New York Times
bestselling author

 

“
Following Ezra
is an unsentimental, beautifully written memoir about a boy whose limitations and gifts are as extraordinary as his impact on the reader’s life. Like Ezra himself, this book is by turns funny, painful, poignant, and scrupulously honest.”

—David J. Wolpe, author of
Why Faith Matters

 

“When Tom Fields-Meyer’s son Ezra was diagnosed with autism, the author decided to forgo mourning for the child who might have been, and concentrate instead on the delightful kid he had.
Following Ezra
is at once a meticulous description of what it is to parent a child who has autism and a salute to the kid whose mind takes both of them to mysterious, profound, and silly places we socalled typical adults can scarcely imagine.”

—Carolyn See, author of
Making a Literary Life
and
grandmother of a child with autism

 

“The moving, fascinating story of a father’s journey toward understanding and hope.”

—Daniel Tammet,
New York Times
bestselling author of
Born on a Blue Day

 

“
Following Ezra
offers a moving testimony to the strength and breadth of the human spirit. Tom Fields-Meyer provides a tale that transcends the fears and challenges of raising his autistic son, and shares how Ezra teaches him to appreciate the beauty and depth of the world in surprising and unanticipated ways. In so doing, Fields-Meyer expands our humanity and demonstrates that love and connection are possible in ways we might not have imagined—if only we are open. I laughed and I cried as I read page after page of this poignant, powerful, inspiring, and gentle book.”

—David Ellenson, president,
Hebrew Union College–Jewish Institute of Religion

 

“
Following Ezra
is a revealing and poignant memoir, told with deep reflection and insight. We feel the fear of the unknown, the peace of acceptance, the exhilaration of hope, and the endurance of love as father and son discover each other and find their way. It will bring help and inspiration to all those who wear these shoes, and enlighten all parents to celebrate the uniqueness of their children.”

—Ricki G. Robinson, MD, MPH, author of
Autism Solutions: How to Create a Healthy and Meaning ful Life for Your Child

 

“Follow extraordinary father and gifted writer Tom Fields-Meyer as he walks with his special son, Ezra. Ezra’s struggles to live life fully and to be a participant in his beautiful family and the larger world will fill your heart and inspire you in your own challenges. His sweetness, courage, and resilience come alive in his father’s watchful gaze and masterful portrayal. Reading this book makes you feel like you just gained a new set of relatives—wise, sometimes goofy, always remarkable.”

—Bradley Shavit Artson, dean, Ziegler School of Rabbinic Studies
and author of
The Everyday Torah

 

“A book about autism isn’t supposed to be funny. But I laughed reading
Following Ezra
as much as I cried. There’s sadness here, but also great joy, boundless love, and inspiring devotion. Ezra teaches not only his father, but all of us—about our foibles, our silliness, our narrowness, and our capacity to grow, to learn, and to love. And in doing that, following Ezra—and reading his story—makes us better people. This book is a great and uplifting gift.”

—Daniel Gordis, author of
Saving Israel
and
Coming Together, Coming Apart

 

“A spot-on memoir that becomes positively transcendent as we follow sweet, worried, joyful Ezra from childhood into early adolescence and the preparations for his bar mitzvah. This story will illuminate the experience of parenting a child with autism for those who don’t know it and will resonate with those of us who know it all too well. There are blessings along the way, and Tom Fields-Meyer depicts them beautifully.”

—Cammie McGovern, author of
Eye Contact
and
Neighborhood Watch

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First published by New American Library,
a division of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

 

First Printing, September 2011

Copyright © Tom Fields-Meyer, 2011 All rights reserved

 

REGISTERED TRADEMARK—MARCA REGISTRADA

 

LIBRARY OF CONGRESS CATALOGING-IN-PUBLICATION DATA:

 

Fields-Meyer, Thomas.

Following Ezra: what one father learned about Gumby, Otters, autism, and love from his extraordinary son/Tom Fields-Meyer.

p. cm.

ISBN : 978-1-101-54409-9

1. Fields-Meyer, Thomas. 2. Autism—Patients—United States—Biography. 3. Fields-Meyer, Ezra—Mental health. 4. Autistic youth—Biography. 5. Parents of autistic children. I. Title. RC553.A88F.85’8820092—dc23 2011014572 [B]

 

 

 

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For my parents,
Lora and Jim Meyer,
who were always there,
following me

Blessed are You, Lord our God, Sovereign of the universe,
Who creates variety among living beings.

—Traditional Jewish blessing

While all of these events and conversations happened,
some names and identifying details have been changed
to protect the privacy of individuals.

PROLOGUE

The walk was always the same. Then one day it was different.

In the summer of 1999, my wife Shawn and I spent two months with our three young sons at a retreat center nestled in the arid foothills bordering Simi Valley, California. The campus was a spectacular, sprawling property stretching over gentle, golden ridges dotted with eucalyptus, pepper trees, and cactus. Shawn, a recently ordained rabbi, was teaching Jewish texts and practices to a group of young adults. The job required long hours not only in the classroom but also in intense, private discussions of spirituality during meals in the dining hall, on long strolls, and over snacks late into the night. At the same time she was nurturing the souls of a few dozen twenty-somethings, we were also busy caring for our boys: Ami, who was five; Ezra, three; and Noam, eighteen months.

Some months earlier, Ezra had begun displaying troubling behavior. He isolated himself from his preschool classmates to flip mechanically through picture books. At home, he spent inordinate periods absorbed in solitary, odd activities like lining up plastic dinosaurs and jungle animals in precise, symmetrical patterns across the back porch. His sensory system was clearly in disarray. That summer, he was so tortured by the cacophonous noises of the dining hall that he would cover his ears and run out the doors; at nearly every breakfast, lunch, and dinner we had to designate an adult to keep track of Ezra as he paced alone in small circles on the concrete patio or sought out insects among the boulders and agave plants on a nearby hillside.