Forever Baby (31 page)

Emptiness assaults me from within at what I am doing to him. Regardless of how this all plays out, someone I love is going to be hurt, and I take the burden of the blame. I ache to comfort the man in front me, who is baring his soul to me.

I raise my hand and cup his cheek. “I do love you, Nolan. Of course I do. I just…need…time.”

Nolan secures his hand over mine, holding it to his face. “Okay, babe. Listen, I know you love Andres, and I know that you had a great summer with him. But listen to me, that is not real. A summer of fun with a Spanish lover is not real life. I am real. The love that I have for you is real. I am here, and you know that we are great together. We have lived real life together for three years now, and we are amazing at it. We are so good.” He places a chaste kiss on my forehead. “You would be taking a huge gamble by staying with Andres, and baby…it would be a gamble that you would lose. Long-distance relationships do not work, especially ones with the foundation being a summer of fun. If he hasn’t cheated on you yet, he will soon. I’m not trying to hurt you, but it is the truth.”

I gasp, my hand leaving his face. “You don’t know that, Nolan. You don’t know what he and I have. He loves me.”

Nolan grabs each side of my face with his hands, his emerald eyes latching on to mine. “I love you, Livi…so much. I will not cheat on you. I will not leave you. I will not hurt you. If you agree to be mine, I will make you so happy.” He leans in and puts his soft lips on mine.

I hesitate before opening my mouth to let him in. His kiss is slow, sweet, and so loving. I relish in his passion for me, and I allow myself to get lost in it, if only for a moment. For one moment, I feel his kiss and nothing more, and it is so sweet.

Nolan pulls away, leaving me breathless. “I will give you time.”

He levels me with a gaze, one filled with so much love. Right here, right now, all I see is a boy in love with a girl. A beautiful boy is giving his love with no strings attached to a broken girl. Memories of his devotion over the past few years flood my brain. He is there in every recollection, supporting me always.

I don’t know why I didn’t see it before. He’s always been mine, and I don’t deserve him.

Nolan stands and gets dressed. He lifts me off of the floor and places me in bed. He kisses my forehead and whispers, “I love you.” Then, he leaves my room and quietly closes my door behind him.

I hear P!nk singing, and it takes a few seconds before I awake from my sleep to recognize the song as my ringtone.
My phone!
I propel my arm to the side, grab my phone, and swipe the slide button on my screen before the song stops.

“Hello?” I say a little too desperately.

“Hey, baby. How’s my beautiful girl today?”

It’s him. Finally.
Hearing his voice in my ear—the one that has become so soothing to me, the one that makes any bad day immediately good, the one sends my heart pounding with love—is too much. I have no words. I only feel a sharp pain in my chest.

“Did I wake you, babe? Rough night?”

“Yeah,” I say weakly.

What do I say? Do I tell him? I can’t tell him. I will lose him!

I have to tell him!

But I can’t. I can’t lose him. I love him.

Nolan. What do I do about Nolan? I’m going to crush Nolan.

What the fuck is wrong with me? How have I screwed things up so badly, so quickly?

There’s nothing but silence.

“Are you okay, baby? Talk to me. How are you?”

The genuine concern in his voice feels like a jagged dagger going through my chest.

I’m such a bitch, a total bitch. I can’t lie to him. I have always been a horrible liar. I don’t think I can even lie over the phone. In fact, I know I can’t. When I call into work with a fake illness, I make Cara call in, pretending to be me. That is how much I can’t lie. He will know that something is wrong.

He deserves to know though, right?

I don’t know.

“Um…” I say, thinking about what to say.

I have to tell him. It will come out eventually. I know it. I can’t keep something this big from him. Plus, I owe it to Nolan to at least be honest with Andres.

Not to mention,
says the snarky voice in my head
, you are going to lose Andres anyway. It will not work. He will not wait for you. He will cheat on you. He probably already has. Long-distance relationships never work. Nolan is right. They never work, especially when your boyfriend is a hot singer with access to hot girls on a daily basis. It was just a summer fling, and nothing more. Move on already.

The negative bitch in my head doesn’t stop until I officially feel like crap.
Uh…have I mentioned that I hate her?
But she’s right. I know she is.
Right?

“Baby, talk to me. Whatever it is, we can work it out,” Andres says so lovingly.

My heart shatters.

Before I can process what I am saying, the words come out of my mouth like vomit, like three-day-flu, sick-on-your-death-bed, rocket-propelled vomit. The words are so revolting that they burn as they uncontrollably spill from my mouth. “I can’t do this anymore, Andres. I’m done. I don’t want to date you anymore. I am sorry. I love you, but I can’t do this. I’m going to date Nolan. I’m sorry.”

What the fuck? Why did I say that? Is that what I want? I don’t want to lose Andres! God, my life is a hot mess at the moment.

“What? What are you talking about, Liv? Where did this come from? Why are you doing this?” The hurt in his voice is palpable.

He might be a great distance away, but I can feel his pain as if he were standing right next to me.

Well, what was said is already said. I can’t stop the train wreck once it is in motion.

“I’m sorry, Andres. I can’t do this anymore.”

“Did something happen between you and Nolan?”

Do I tell him?
I have already crushed him and broken his heart. I can’t stomp on it, too.

Pulling on all my inner strength, I say, “No.” The lie is quick, and I’m not sure even I would believe the conviction in my voice, but I hope he believes me. I can’t hurt him more than I already have. “It was never going to work, Andres. We are from two different worlds. Long-distance relationships don’t work. I’m sorry.”

It’s better to hurt than be hurt, I guess. Am I making a mistake?

What is done is done. “I have to go, Andres.”

“What? Wait! Let’s talk about this. You can’t do this, Livi! What’s wrong? We can figure it out. You don’t even sound like yourself. Please talk to me!”

I can’t stand the pain I hear in his voice. I have to end this call while before I make a bigger mess than I already have. “I can’t. I am so sorry. Know that I am so very sorry for everything. Good-bye, Andres.”

I hear his protests as I hang up just as the rush of violent, painful sobs wreck my body. I bury my face in my pillow, and I cry for what I had, what I wanted, what I lost, what I ruined, and what I was too weak to fight for. I’ve lost it all, and it was my fault, my choice. I sabotaged my relationship with the only man I’ve ever been in love with because I am too scared, too weak, too pathetic, and I don’t think I could ever recover if he had ended it with me. So, I had to do it first. I had to.

It was my choice to end it, so that will make it easier to recover from this devastating loss in the long run. I hope. I hate myself for being so weak.
Seriously, isn’t Andres worth taking a chance on even if it might end with my broken heart?
But I know there is no going back. My insecurities are too great, and my self-preservation mode has kicked in. I have to put myself first.

Nolan is here, and he loves me. He is all I need. Nolan will fix this. He will fix me.

Who am I? What kind of a person does this? How could I end something I was so sure of? Why did I destroy a relationship that filled me with so much love?
A rational person doesn’t act like this. Perhaps my mother has been right all along. I let my insecurities lead me to make a terrible decision. A stable person doesn’t sabotage every happiness.

Andres’s gorgeous face pops up on my screen as I hit the Ignore button. I know he wants answers, but I don’t have the strength or resolve to talk to him. I don’t have answers to his questions. Hell, I don’t have the answers to my questions. I know I am being a horrible person by ending it this way, by refusing to talk to him, but I can’t do it any other way. I’m emotionally shattered.

I stare at his face on my phone screen for a moment, haunted by those midnight blues that I love so much, before I turn my phone off and toss it on the floor. Wrapping myself tightly in my down comforter, I pull it up to my chin and cry until my body is so exhausted that I fall into a deep, tormented sleep.

I am vaguely aware of a touch on my face and a hand in my hair. I feel the bed dip down next to me, and squinting my eyes open, I see Nolan sitting at my side. I incoherently grumble and turn my face into the pillow. My eyelids feel heavy, and I know that the skin around my eyes is puffy as if I had gone twelve rounds in the ring with some strong fists making repeated contact—well, it’s like that minus the bruises. I am not pretty after a violent, ugly cry. My swollen lids are the result, a trait I inherited from my mother.

Nolan’s hand runs through my hair as he says with concern, “You haven’t returned any of my texts or calls today. I wanted to make sure that you were okay. Cara told me that she checked on you while you’ve been sleeping in here and that she has received several frantic calls from Andres. Do you want to tell me what happened today?”

I shake my head into my pillow.

“Have you been in bed all day?”

I nod. “What time is it?” I ask into my pillow.

“Eight. Are you hungry? Can I get you anything?”

“A bottle of water,” I say.

Nolan comes back a minute later with a bottle of water.

I sit up, blocking my eyes as if shielding them from the bright sun. “I’m ugly. My face is a puffy mess.”

“You could never be ugly, Liv.” Nolan grabs my hand. “Tell me about today. What happened?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.” I place the bottle of water on the side table and lie back down.

Nolan climbs into bed behind me and pulls my back tightly to his front, wrapping his arm around me. He kisses the top of my hair.

I only have the strength to utter two more words before I fall back asleep, but the undeniable power that these words have is not lost on either of us. “I’m yours.”

For good or bad, I have altered the course of my life in a single day. The perfect dream of my life that I envisioned a mere two days ago will never be now. My new dream could be better. I just haven’t dreamed it yet, but I will.

Nolan’s warm arms tighten around my belly, and it brings me a fraction of solace. Although my heart, my soul, and every fabric of my body drips with loss as I lie in bed, broken, I know this will pass. Time heals all wounds—at least, I hope so.

The next month passes in a blur of faux smiles and a shattered heart. I ache to mourn my loss of Andres, but I can’t succumb to my sorrow completely. I have fleeting moments of mourning during stolen moments of my days—in the shower, walking to class, at the store, in my car. In these moments, I allow myself to miss him. I cry, praying that my tears will take my pain with them as they fall. These moments, of course, are contingent on whether Nolan is completing these activities with me. I know he would accept my grief, but I can’t let him see it. I don’t think that would be fair to him to know that I am so lost without Andres in my life.