Forget Me Not (Escape Contemporary Romance) (23 page)

Best to get this over and done with, whatever was coming.

Pushing open the swinging doors leading to the living room, she headed straight to the sofa and stood at one end, placing her handbag at the foot of the chair.

‘What do you want, Stefan?’ Claire asked. ‘Why are you here?’

‘I wanted to talk to you.’

‘I figured that much.’ She looked at him, sitting calmly at the other end of the sofa, and felt her heart lurch. This would be hard, ‘Stefan, this won’t work and nothing you can say will change that.’

‘Sometimes actions speak louder than words.’ He reached across for the silver bag at the other end of the coffee table and held it out in front of her. ‘I didn’t have time to wrap it.’

‘I don’t want it. I just want you to leave.’

‘Look inside and you’ll see.’

‘No.’

Ignoring her, Stefan tossed the bag onto the sofa between them, the top of the item inside peeking out from within.

Her mouth open, Claire dropped onto the edge of the sofa.

That single glance filled her with dread. She’d told him he’d bought her a teddy bear when she was pregnant and now, as a gesture of good-will, he was giving her another. This was only trying to make amends, trying to make it up to her.

Stefan didn’t know the horrible memories this was drenching up. Even before he lost his memory, he’d never known how painful it was for Claire to lose the baby first, then Stefan.

She must have told him about the teddy bear. How else could he know?

Lowering herself onto the sofa, she pulled the teddy out of the bag and stared. Good God, she couldn’t believe it.

It wasn’t just any teddy bear. This was the same one, identical to the one he’d bought her before. The same size, same plush fabric, same face staring back at her. Only the little bow around its neck was different.

There were thousands of teddies sold at hundreds of shops across the city. Claire couldn’t work out what was going on. It must be a coincidence.

She slid the teddy back into the bag and placed it on the coffee table. ‘I can’t accept it. There are things you don’t understand, things you can’t possibly know—’

‘But I do.’

Claire looked at him, her mouth falling open.

‘It’s a Fredericks teddy bear, imported from England,’ he said. ‘There’s only one place in Sydney that sells them, Gerard’s Gifts. The bears are produced in a small factory and they’re all identical, except they come with hand-made accessories like little waistcoats that make them all individual. I liked it simple. A plain teddy with a big bow.’

‘How did you find the shop?’

‘I went back to the same place I bought the first teddy.’

‘No…that can’t…’

‘Claire, I’ve got my memory back.’

Chapter Twenty-Two

Claire couldn’t believe this was happening. Bad enough that they had fought yesterday, the anger, the way could he shut her out. But if he had his memory back, it would be worse, a hundred times worse.

Stefan would hate her just as much as when he’d he left and she would hate herself for being weak and desperate, for still loving him no matter what.

She tried to stay calm. ‘Can you remember everything or just bits and pieces?’

‘It came back to me all at once,’ he said. ‘This afternoon I decided to take a walk and I wasn’t even—’

‘I don’t want to know.’ Her head dropped into her hands, then she got a grip, and turned to look at Stefan. ‘I don’t know why you’re here. There’s nothing left to say.’

He slid closer. ‘You don’t understand.’

‘Don’t go there. I’m not going to have those same arguments about how
I
don’t understand. You remember them, don’t you, the arguments?’

At least while they’d been arguing, he was acknowledging her opinion and her existence.

The silences had been much worse, the words left unsaid. During those times, she’d imagined the worst, assumed he despised her. And maybe he had. He’s never apologise, never gave her any reason to think otherwise.

Then they’d start to speak a few civil words to each other, usually something inane about dinner or when they’d be home, but Claire would always be wondering what he was thinking, what he
wasn’t
saying.

Bit by bit, things would return to normal and she’d kid herself, think they were going to be all right again, until something new would come up and they’d go through the same painful scenario again.

‘I remember much more than you think.’ Stefan’s tone ominous and Claire wasn’t sure she could take it, but he continued. ‘There’s a lot you don’t know. There was more than one teddy bear. It seems simple but it wasn’t what you thought at all. There’s so much more to it.’

He was rambling, talking nonsense. He needed professional help and she couldn’t give it to him.

‘This has nothing to do with a damn teddy bear,’ Claire said.

‘This has everything to do with it. I’m sorry I threw the first one out, sorry I handled things so badly, sorry I didn’t know how to speak to you.’

‘What are you talking about?’

‘When you lost the baby, you were devastated.’

‘Yes.’

‘And I came across as a cold, calculating bastard.’

Stefan wasn’t mincing his words and neither would she. They were way beyond that now. ‘Yes.’

He shook his head. ‘That’s not how it was. At first, I focused on you and your pain, tried to be supportive.’

‘For a while, that was true.’

‘Then I started pushing you away. I was intolerant of your grief. I told you it was time to get over it and start living your life.’

Claire didn’t know why he was going over this again when they’d been through it a hundred times and never come to any understanding.

‘That’s pretty much it,’ she said.

‘There was a reason for it. I’m not saying it’s a good reason but I’m human and I made a mistake. You see, I was grieving too but I didn’t want to admit it. I thought it would go away on its own, and when it didn’t, I thought it was a sign of weakness. I took my anger out on the person closest to me—you. It wasn’t your grief that drove me away. It was my own.’

Stefan had been grieving? He’d felt their loss? He’d been so hard and cold, had treated her so harshly. Was it possible that was because he’d been hurting on the inside, too?

Claire felt lost. ‘What on earth does that have to do with the teddy?’

Stefan implored her with his gaze. ‘That’s why I got rid of the first teddy. I used to see it in the back of the wardrobe every day, reminding me of your pregnancy and the baby we lost. It felt like a punishment, until one day I simply couldn’t stand it anymore. I looked at that teddy and saw everything we’d lost, so I got rid of it. I thought if I did that, I might feel better.’

‘You told me you’d thrown it out because you wanted a clean slate, a fresh start. You said it was time I put the past behind me and moved on. You didn’t care what it had meant to me.’

‘The problem wasn’t that I didn’t care. The problem was I cared too much. And I didn’t want to admit it to you, myself or anyone.’

Claire clenched her fists to stop them from shaking. ‘You had no right to get rid of it. It was mine. You gave it to me.’

‘I know.’

‘You can’t just buy me a new teddy bear and think this will change everything and make it all better. We separated because you didn’t love me anymore. That hasn’t changed.’

‘Is that what you think?’ Stefan said.

‘What else was I supposed to think when you couldn’t stand the sight of me? You couldn’t bear to look at me anymore.’

Stefan held her gaze, his pale eyes filled with compassion. ‘I’m looking at you now. I always loved you, even when I moved out. I didn’t know how to deal with my pain and I took it out on you, blamed you. That was wrong of me, I know, but I never stopped loving you. And I never said I didn’t love you.’

Just this once, Claire had to be strong. No matter how much she wanted his words to be true, she couldn’t open her heart and let him back into her life again.

Good God, she just couldn’t do it again.

She uncurled her fingers and stared down at her hands. It was more than she could bear to look at him. ‘That’s not good enough. You left me. You didn’t want me. We were
separated for six months. You had plenty of time to think it through but you didn’t decide you wanted me after all. You didn’t come back then and you can’t come back now.’

‘That’s what I’m trying to tell you. The day I was mugged, the day I lost my memory…I was coming back to you.’

Claire stared at him. ‘That was when I bought the second teddy bear,’ Stefan said.

‘What are you talking about? The second teddy bear is sitting on the table.’

He shook his head. ‘The day I was hit on the head and mugged, I went to the gift shop and bought another Frederick’s teddy bear. For you. Because I wanted to come back to you. I wanted to give us a second chance.’

Stefan reached into the backpack sitting under the coffee table. She hadn’t even noticed it until then.

‘What are you doing?’ Claire asked.

Stefan handed her a small piece of paper. ‘There’s the receipt. Look at the date. The day I went missing, I went back to the gift shop and bought a teddy. There were a few scraps of paper in my bag, but they didn’t mean anything to me until now.’

She spread her hands. ‘So what happened to the bear?’

‘It must have been stolen along with my wallet, but that doesn’t really matter. What matters is that I was on my way back to you. Can’t you see?’

No, she couldn’t see, couldn’t accept that after everything she’d been through, wouldn’t allow that this might be true.

Stefan enveloped her hand in both of his. ‘I love you. I always have. I realised that on my own but then the amnesia got in my way. I would have come back if that hadn’t have happened, if I hadn’t lost my memory.’

What could she believe? Claire wanted to believe he loved her, that he always had. ‘You were coming back to me?’ Claire asked softly.

‘I’d realised the mistake I’d made, how selfish I’d been. I was going to buy the teddy and surprise you.’ He looked down at their hands, entwined together. ‘You’ve got to believe me.’

Stefan couldn’t possibly be making this up. It was too crazy.

‘What made you want me again?’ Claire asked. ‘What made you change your mind?’

‘It wasn’t my mind that changed. Or my heart. I always loved you but I buried those feelings deep inside. I worked harder, spent more time at the office, and pushed myself deeper into my work so I wouldn’t have to think about my feelings. But when I moved into my own apartment, I had more time to think things through. I needed the space, the time on my own to work things out.’

Claire glared at him. ‘That’s a bit of a cliché.’

He nodded. ‘But, Claire, your past and your problems with your father had given you strength. It brought you, your mother and Sophie closer together. You knew how to talk about your feelings, how to be a family, how to work for what you wanted in life. All those years, I’d loved you despite your background. I had it so wrong. Suddenly, I loved you
because
of it, because it was part of you.’

‘I thought you never understood.’

‘Until recently, I hadn’t. But just as your background had made you who you are, so had mine. I was fine as long as the going was good but as soon as things got rough between us, I didn’t know what to do or how to handle it. I stuffed up, big-time. It took me a while to come to that realisation. The decision to come back to you didn’t happen overnight or in a single moment, but slowly and over a matter of time.’

Claire looked at him. ‘You didn’t even call me.’

He shrugged. ‘No, I didn’t. Right or wrong, I was going to spring it on you all at once. I’d booked two weeks off work and told my colleagues I was going to New Zealand and didn’t want to be contacted while I was away, but I hadn’t booked a trip. I was planning on spending two weeks holed up in our apartment. With you. Without the demands of work, I was going to be a proper husband for a change and take care of you, cook for you, pamper you, give you what you deserved.’

‘That was the holiday you’d planned?’

‘Not very romantic, I know, but one of the things you’d said when we’d argued kept coming back to me: that you only ever had me when we went on overseas trips, and the rest of the time all you got was the tired lawyer, the office worker who came home after a long, demanding day at work. I wasn’t listening when you’d said those things. I only started to listen after we separated.’

‘I didn’t think anything I said had made any difference.’

‘It didn’t at the time. After awhile, though, it began to all sink in. I don’t want the same things I wanted before. Me and you, we’re a family and nothing is more important than that. Maybe one day our family will get bigger, maybe we’ll have children. I hope so.’

Claire hoped so, too, but though she opened her mouth to speak, the words just wouldn’t come out.

‘The MRC Insurance case is coming to a close,’ Stefan said. ‘I was planning on leaving the firm after that.’

Claire couldn’t believe her ears. ‘Leaving the firm?’

‘I’d like to take some time off. As you’ve told me over the last week, I don’t
have
to work. I
want
to, though. In fact, I’m planning on opening my own firm so I can give something back to the community. There are deserving clients out there who can’t afford to pay and I can help those people. This new firm can take on commercial clients as well as pro-bono cases. It doesn’t have to be all about money.’

‘This is all so quick.’

‘For you, I’m sure it is, but I’ve had months to think about it. I’m ambitious. I can’t change that, but I can control it and direct it. I can have a career without being a workaholic. I can focus on what’s truly important in life. You and me, our marriage, and loving each other. That’s what’s important.’

Claire looked away from him, tried to take it all in. Was he really back? Did she dare to believe it?

Suddenly, out of nowhere the tears began to flow. Claire felt her eyes well up, felt hot rivulets sliding their way down her cheeks. She cried until the wetness there turned from warm to cool.

Stefan slid closer and brushed his hands across her cheeks. ‘I hope they’re tears of joy.’