Forgive Me (11 page)

‘Why didn’t you tell me your
mother died?’ he asked
quietly. ‘Didn’t you feel you
could trust me? I thought we were friends?’

Eva was so shocked she nearly dropped the
milk she was getting out of the fridge. ‘How did you find out?’ she
asked.

‘Your brother called to see you, and I
invited him in for some tea as he seemed upset you weren’t here.’ Tod held
out a little parcel to her. ‘He brought you this for your birthday.’

Eva took the present from him with shaking
hands. ‘How did he come to tell you such a thing?’ she asked nervously.

It had never occurred to Eva that Ben would
turn up without ringing her at work first. And Ben wasn’t one to divulge anything
to a stranger; he wasn’t even very forthcoming with people he knew well, so it was
strange that he’d talked to Tod.

‘I told him we’d become friends,
even told him what a good time we’d had last night, and that you’d gone home
to see your folks today. He looked really puzzled, and he said you wouldn’t do
that because you’d fallen out with your dad since your mum died. Then he told me
how she died.’

‘I’m sorry,’ she
whispered, suddenly feeling faint. ‘I mean, that I lied and said I was going home
today. I only said that because you asked why there was no birthday card from my mum and
dad. It’s not easy to tell someone that your mother killed herself. I’m
shocked Ben told you.’

‘I think he needed to talk. He began
by just saying he ought to have come round last night to check you were alright and not
lonely, because birthdays are always tied up with your mother. But then he kind of
blurted it all out. He said it was bad enough for him and your sister, but they
didn’t find her dead in the bath, like you did, and he was frightened it might
have pushed you over the edge.’

Eva couldn’t speak; she felt stunned
that Ben was mature enough to understand the complexities of how she might feel, and her
eyes welled up with tears.

Tod came over to her and pulled her into his
arms. ‘So I’ve been worried sick since he left,’ he said, his lips
against her hair. ‘I wish you had told me about it.’

‘I couldn’t bring myself to, I
was afraid I’d seem tragic,’ she murmured against his shoulder. It felt so
good to be held and to know he’d been worried about her.

‘I thought it was a bit odd that you
came here to live when your home was so close,’ he said. ‘Ben hinted that
your father was mean to you. Was he?’

‘Yes, really horrible. He informed me
I wasn’t his child.’

‘He did what?’ Tod sounded
incredulous. ‘Look, I’ll make the tea. You sit down and then you can tell me
the whole story.’

‘Are you sure you want to be burdened
with it?’ she asked.

‘That’s what friends are
for,’ he said firmly, pushing her down on to the sofa.

It took Eva some time to tell Tod the whole
story, mainly because he wouldn’t accept the shortened version and kept stopping
her for more details. But finally it was told and he cuddled her to him.

‘That’s truly awful,’ he
said, looking really shaken. ‘You seemed so together, I would never have guessed
you’d been through something so awful. You must be a very strong
person.’

‘I don’t know about that, mostly
I feel pretty feeble.’ She managed a weak smile. ‘I keep telling myself that
I’m lucky I’ve got a job I like. And Mum left me the studio in London, so
I’ve got a nest egg. But it is hard to deal with finding out that your dad, who
you loved, and thought loved you, isn’t and doesn’t.’

‘People lash out when they are
hurt,’ he said gently. ‘That doesn’t excuse him of course; he’s
behaved appallingly. But once he’s had time to reflect on it, he might very well
come round.’

‘At the moment I don’t care if
he never does,’ she said. ‘But looking back, and that’s something
I’ve done a lot of since it happened, I can see that he was never the same to me
as he was to Ben and Sophie. He wasn’t cruel or neglectful, just uninvolved. But
once I got into my teens, and I admit I did start acting up, he was always on at me. I
couldn’t talk to him, he was so scornful about everything. I think that’s
what made me want to be anywhere but home, and that sent me on a downward spiral,
hanging out with all the wrong people.
But even when I did get back on
track, found my present job and stayed home at nights, he wasn’t really any nicer
to me. I often felt he didn’t like me.’

‘What about the relationship with your
mum?’

Eva sighed. ‘When I was little it
seemed pretty good, but it certainly had deteriorated by the time I was thirteen or
fourteen. I don’t know how you judge these things. Most of the girls at school
complained about their mums, so I don’t know if mine was better or worse. But I
did feel she was distant – disappointed in me. In the last three years I tried my best
to please her, but it didn’t make that much difference.’

Tod nodded. ‘I know that
feeling!’

‘You’ve had problems with your
parents?’

‘Yes, I’m a disappointment to
them too. But I want to know about you.’

‘Why do you think Mum kept so much
hidden?’ Eva asked. ‘The art thing, and about her childhood, family and
teenage years? Most mothers do tell their children stuff, even if they claim the kids
couldn’t care less and aren’t even listening. The thing that upset me most
at her funeral was feeling I didn’t really know her at all.’

‘Is Ben like her, or like his
father?’

‘He looks like Andrew, but he’s
far more sensitive and feels things deeply. I suppose that comes from Mum.’

‘I liked him,’ Tod said
reflectively. ‘I suppose you take after your mum?’

‘I suppose so; she was short and had
blue eyes. But her hair was red, and she had the pale skin to go with it.’

‘I think you should find this guy
Patrick O’Donnell and check him out. If he’s an illustrator, it should be
easy.’

‘It’s odd that both my parents
were artists but I can’t paint or draw,’ she said.

‘My father is a barrister and my
mother taught maths.
They produced a child who doesn’t like to
argue and is useless at maths.’

‘You didn’t tell me your father
was a barrister,’ she said in some surprise.

‘Well, we didn’t really do the
“You tell me about your family and I’ll tell you about mine”, did
we?’ he laughed.

‘No, but now I’ve told you all
my secrets, you’d better share yours.’

‘No secrets. Shipped off to boarding
school at eleven, hated it and was bullied. So we’ve got that in common. Dad
wanted me to do law, Mum wanted me to be a doctor. All I’ve done is bum around
since leaving uni. They’ve more or less washed their hands of me.’

‘I’d be proud of having a son
who cared about other people as you do,’ she said.

‘They see it as having no
drive,’ he sighed. ‘To them you are a failure if you don’t go into the
“professions”. But it’s the way my dad is that put me off. I was about
sixteen when I heard him telling Mum about a man he’d defended. The guy was
charged with the murder of both his parents. It seems the parents did terrible things to
their son, and in the end he set fire to their house and they died in the fire. I was
listening hard, and I could feel Dad’s anger that he’d lost the case, but I
didn’t sense any sympathy for his client being sentenced to life imprisonment. I
wondered how Dad could be that way. He knew just what that poor guy had gone through
during his life, he’d dug up every last piece of evidence to show the jury that
there were extenuating circumstances and that the parents had driven him to it. Yet Dad
switched off from the guy’s plight the minute the jury gave their guilty verdict.
I suppose most lawyers are the same; it’s the nature of the beast. But it chilled
me that my dad had so little compassion. So the thought of law as a profession flew out
of the window.’

They discussed things about their parents for a
little while and then Eva offered to make some supper for them. ‘I can do cheese
on toast or egg on toast,’ she offered. ‘I should’ve bought some food
today.’

Tod chose cheese on toast, and while she was
preparing it he asked her more about the studio. ‘Is there a tenant in
it?’

‘No, not now, apparently the last one
did a runner. My solicitor told me to be prepared to find it in a mess. It will all be
finalized this week. I ought to go down there and look next weekend.’

‘Would you like me to come with
you?’ Tod asked. ‘It might be a bit scary on your own.’

‘I couldn’t put you to all that
trouble,’ she said.

‘I was thinking of it as more of an
adventure,’ he smiled. ‘I’m used to pigsties, remember. We could take
sleeping bags with us and doss there, or if it’s too vile we could book into a
hotel.’

Looking at the eagerness in his face made
her heart turn a little somersault. He had nothing to gain by helping her. She
hadn’t told him about the money she had, because she’d promised Mr Bailey
she would keep it quiet. And he’d suddenly made her feel joyful rather than
apprehensive.

‘That would be wonderful,’ she
said. ‘If we go in my car I can take all the cleaning materials with me. I can
tackle anything wearing a pair of rubber gloves.’

‘Then I’ll buy you a pair and
you can clean my room,’ he laughed.

They had their supper, and another cup of
tea. She kept expecting Tod to say he had to go, but he didn’t. They put the TV
on, and in one advert there was a weird-looking goth girl. Eva laughingly admitted
she’d once gone for a similar look.

He raised both eyebrows in disbelief.
‘I can’t imagine that, you always look so feminine and neat.’

‘Does that equal boring?’

‘Certainly not. What right-minded male
would want a woman wearing biker boots, with matted hair and piercings all over her
face?’

‘Men that look like that too,
perhaps,’ she said. ‘I never really liked it, but the crowd I hung around
with then were all into it and I just followed like a sheep. I’m glad I was too
afraid of needles to have the piercings and tattoos. Also, I knew Mum would freak
out.’

‘My mum despairs at the way I
dress,’ he said. ‘I tried to tell her “grunge” is in now, but
she sniffed and said I looked far better in a suit. As if I could wear a suit for the
work I do! But I do have a suit and I don’t even mind dressing up for an
appropriate occasion.’

‘Which would be?’

He looked at her and smiled. ‘Taking
you out somewhere special.’

She blushed and looked down at her lap to
hide her confusion.

He turned to her on the sofa and lifted her
chin up. ‘Am I wrong in thinking there’s something going on with us?
I’m not that experienced with girls, but I get the feeling you like me.’

‘I do,’ she whispered. ‘I
just –’ She broke off.

‘You just didn’t think I was
interested in that way? Or you aren’t interested in that way?’

‘I didn’t think you were,’
she whispered.

‘Well, I am,’ he said and leaned
closer and kissed her.

It was the sweetest, gentlest kiss
she’d ever known. The kind that said he cared about her, and wanted to take it
slowly. But as the tip of his tongue flickered between her lips she felt a surge of
wanting, and she relaxed into his embrace for more.

The kissing went on and on, growing deeper and
more passionate. And yet he didn’t try to get her clothes off, or suggest they
went to bed.

He moved away slightly, and she opened her
eyes to find him looking down at her in a way she could only think of as loving.

‘Tomorrow I’ll put on my suit
and we’ll go out for lunch,’ he said. ‘Just us, a real date, and
we’ll take it from there.’

Half of her wanted to pull him back close to
her, yet the other half loved that he wanted to do things properly. ‘That would be
lovely,’ she said, her voice choked up with wanting him.

‘I’ll think of somewhere nice
and make a reservation,’ he said. ‘I’ll let you go to bed now and see
you about twelve thirty tomorrow afternoon.’

One last kiss and he was gone, leaving Eva
wanting to dance and sing; she felt so happy.

Sunday was warm and sunny, and they walked
to the restaurant Tod had picked in Montpellier. He said he’d never been there
before but had heard it was good.

Eva wore a pink cotton dress she’d
bought last summer; the colour really suited her, but she’d hardly worn it because
she thought it made her look fat. But it didn’t now. In fact when she looked in
the mirror she saw it was loose around her waist, because she’d lost weight.

Tod looked completely different in his
navy-blue suit, shirt and a tie. He’d even polished up a pair of black shoes.
There was something deliciously wonderful about having such a handsome man holding her
hand and talking to her as if she was the most important person in his life.

The restaurant was good, busy but not
frantically so, with plain wooden tables, lots of modern paintings on the walls,
and young, friendly staff. They started on a bottle of white wine
while they studied the menu.

‘I always find it so hard to
choose,’ Eva said. ‘And when I have, then I always see someone else eating
something I think I would’ve liked better.’

‘My dad is a food and wine
snob,’ Tod confided. ‘I used to hate being dragged out for meals with him
because he always wanted me to have things he thought I ought to try to widen my
experience. All I really wanted was a chicken Kiev.’

‘I love those too,’ she
admitted. ‘We never went out to restaurants much. Mum said it was too much of a
pain with three kids. I expect it was too. Sophie didn’t want anything but egg and
chips, and all Ben wanted was pizza. I was a pig, I’d eat anything.’

‘Living on my own I’ve learned
to eat anything too. Dad was astounded when I ordered mussels one day. That put him in
his place.’

‘Where do they live?’

‘In Yorkshire, near Harrogate. I
hardly ever go home these days. It’s always question time. What am I going to do
next? Wouldn’t it be better if I did this or that? On and on it goes. I just wish
I’d had some brothers and sisters to share the load.’