Forgive Me

Copyright © 20114 by Melanie Walker All rights reserved. This book or any portion thereof may not be reproduced or used in any manner whatsoever without the express written permission of the publisher except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

Printed in the United States of America

First Printing, 2013

ISBN

Note to the Reader

I am an author and not an editor. I say as I do in all of my books, that I am an independent author and I can not afford a professional editor. As most of you know my sidekick Shawna Lisowski who edits for me with some pretty bad ass skills...well Shawna had some family emergencies and after Chapter 15 I was left on my own. I chose to NOT delay publishing and bring you the book seeing as it has been delayed multiple times already. For this reason as well, the book is live for 2 weeks at .99 cents until I have Shawna back. Various friends and family have read this as have my beta readers, but I am imperfect and a realist. Please know I am always responsible for my books, the story, the edits and the times you want to chuck your e-reader...yep that's all me. This book will be no different. I hope you all wait until the very last page of the book where I will leave a surprise, but skipping will destroy the book so DONT! I took chances on this books and I hope you all Trust Me and stick with me on this ride.... it will be intense.

Loves~

Mel

Dedication

This book is dedicated to all the women in my life who held my hand when I was weak, and let me hold theirs when I was strong.

Brandy Salisbury... your strength is astounding and I am proud of you every day.

Mandey Kuyper, the bestest bestie ever! You never let me forget about the things that mattered most. My life would be ridiculously boring if I didn't have you. You and your family are my family and I will always cherish you. Thank you for always making sure I have a soft landing when I fall. I love you!

Sarah Bailey, for being the 'Oldest friend' since childhood, though, regrettably, I am older. You are ALWAYS there and I hope you know I am there for you too.

My sisters, Belinda Norman, Kimberly Birrell, Dr. Connie Olson and Roxie Mower... we share what only sisters can and we love how only sisters can.

Amanda Anderson, because you never judge, you always support and you are always there...even if it takes a few calls.

Adrienne Wall and Mandy Hettich... Sisters of my heart but no less important in my world.

Michelle Covington, because you give a safe place, a shoulder to cry and a corona with lime when life sucks...I love you for many reasons but that is the top!

Having girlfriends and sisters is HUGE in Forgive me, and you are all huge to me.

I love you Chica's!!!

Final note to my reader...

DONT HATE ME, TRUST ME :)

Enjoy....

How many times do I have to try to tell you
That I'm sorry for the things I've done
But when I start to try to tell you
That's when you have to tell me
Hey... this kind of trouble's only just begun
I tell myself too many times
Why don't you ever learn to keep your big mouth shut
That's why it hurts so bad to hear the words
That keep on falling from your mouth
Falling from your mouth
Falling from your mouth
Tell me...
Why
Annie Lennox

Prologue

Sassy

“
What the fuck?” Corey roared and slammed his meaty fist into the side of my face. He forced me to listen to the words of my soul on that page, that fucking letter I should have thrown out. I had been in such dire straits and I wasn’t thinking clearly when I wrote it. I was scared and alone and I made mistakes that I have long since paid for.

“
Fuck you!” I snarled through the blood in my mouth and tried to stand from the floor where he had knocked me to his feet. I would not cower to Corey ever. I knew that standing would only anger him more but I was a master at pride before the fall. “You know what it is. You’re a fucking lawyer and that indicates your smarts Corey. What do you think it is?”

“
In the last six months you have broken every fucking promise you made to me Cassa! And now I learn the one redeeming thing about you, our baby was really his baby? The child of a fucking rock star, a drummer no less, a man who is paid to beat a stick to circle and create noise!” He started clapping while stalking toward me.

I flinched. Fuck!

He smiled.

“
Scared?” He asked his voice a sinister noise in the room. His eyes were vacant, empty and soulless. He was such a handsome man when I met him, completely different from Shamus.
Corey had sandy blonde hair, crystal blue eyes and was as clean cut as any lawyer in Bellevue. He was money and class and Armani suits where Shamus was naughty, tattooed, sexy and sin. His dark brown hair was long, his arms were defined by muscle and sinew from years of “making noise”.

“
Never!” I spat and laughed when he kicked me in the gut dropping me even though I had fought to stand back up. There was no standing now.

He crouched down beside me and I turned my head not wanting to see what he would do next. His hits were harder this time, his kicks much more brutal. I wasn
’t going to be able to hide his marks from Mike and Roni let alone from Carrie and Candey or the guys in TAT. Shame I could avoid but the others would go ape-shit. As my lies went I had covered this mess of a life as best I could.

This time there would be no cover and I would have no choice but to avoid them.

He grasped my hair in his fist, twisting the strands so tight I could feel them rip free of my scalp and I couldn’t help but cry out at the pain. “I can’t believe I fell for your shit Cassa.” He spoke through gritted teeth, yanking on my hair until my face was before him nose to nose and unable to hide. “I am done with you.”

They were the sweetest words he had ever said to me. I didn
’t understand the meaning or maybe I would have begged.

I doubt I would have begged. I never begged Corey. I always stood back up. But I felt the knife as he stabbed me in the groin. I felt the burn as he sliced me open. I fell back in shock landing on my back. I tried to roll over and get my feet but with every move pain so fierce lanced through me severing any hope of standing back up.

“
No!” He roared and kicked me in the shoulder hindering all movement entirely. I screamed and I felt for the first time broken. That scream was me finally shattering at his hands. I hated him and what he robbed me of with that scream. “No, you’re gonna stay the fuck down while I play.”

He sat on my chest, his back to me making breathing impossible.

And then he started cutting me, the pain forcing my mind to shut down and sleep. I slept to the sounds of my screams of pain only to be awoken to a much bigger tragedy.

Seven days later

“
Look Cass, we have thrown all the money in the world, in the bands fucking name at this but it’s still seriously fucked up.” This was Chad who was trying to be nice even though he was mad at me.

They all were.

I had kept secrets that made them furious.

I no longer had secrets from this soul family of mine and I accept that; but I needed to keep them from Shamus.

“
Don’t throw any money at it Chad. I don’t care what you do as long as he doesn’t know.”

Chad, God bless him, he was already in the heat of dealing with Carrie leaving him for cheating. He lived in a darkness all his own so I knew he understood needing to protect a broken heart.

“
Cass, I would die, so would the boys, to protect you with this. But I know what keeping a secret can cost and I hate to cost you and Shame this. There is no guarantee that he wont find out. There is no guarantee from the paps that they wont leak this fucking nightmare anyway. I need to protect you first, but I have to protect him too Cass.” I could hear the pain and raw worry in his voice and I hated putting some of my best friends in this nightmare. I was blessed knowing they would gladly walk me out of hell hand in hand but I didn’t want them too.

“
Chad, I deserved this. I kept this from Shamus, I lied to Corey and everyone else. This is my punishment and I will own it. I just don’t want him to think he needs to come and save me.”

“
He wouldn’t think it Cass, he would come save you.”

“
There is nothing to save Chad.”

“
Cass-“

“
Nope!” I replied after cutting him off. Let the media at it, let the world know what a complete mess I made of my life. Let them see that karma is truly a fucking cunt. If Shame finds out then it’s just my luck and I will own that too.

“
Cassa you deserve peace sweetie. What happened between you and Shame was fucked up on Shames part but he had his reasons. It doesn’t mean you didn’t have yours too. I’m a prideful guy Cass and I know where your mind was when you realized you were pregnant.” He paused on the word like he forgot how deep that lie buried me. “Had Shame known he would have come for
you but he would have come because he loved and missed you. Your baby would have been a bonus.”

“
Well we are never gonna know the truth Chad and I’m left with little to offer any guy now so lets call this what it is and let the world decide.” I rolled over and cringed from the pain in my stomach. Corey had taken my body and created a road map of scars across my groin. He had removed in haste my uterus and carved apart the rest of me.

No I had nothing left to offer.

Now I was living for me.

Six months later

“
I cannot believe you are pregnant!” I cry and smile from ear to ear hugging my closest girlfriend besides Roni my sister in law.

Chad, Noah and Carrie had come by the small apartment I share with Candey, this morning to spread the good news. Noah had shocked me stupid when he was bouncing on his heels in excitement of becoming an Uncle.
“We found out yesterday but I had tried to surprise Chad.” Carrie glared at Chad who winked and I knew that wink the dirty bastard.

“
I definitely one upped you baby.” He kissed her on the bridge of her nose and I felt my heart swell at seeing them both so happy. Carrie and her brother Noah had walked right out of hell themselves…Carrie just walked into Chad’s arms as soon as she could.

“
How?” I ask and start pouring a glass of wine for myself and handing the guys beers. Carrie glares at me and I smile handing her a water. Ah the joys of pregnancy. I flinch at my own inner monologue but mask my face so they don’t see.

“
Asked her to marry me first.” Chad takes a pull from his beer and Carrie starts jumping up and down in excitement.

“
Holy shit!” I screech and pull her to me for a hug. I am overjoyed for her, for the both of them.

We laugh and reminisce about the upcoming wedding and how it will take place after the baby is born and the guys are back from touring. I know then that the days of ignoring Shamus and trying to move on quietly are behind me. I know this when Chad explains his groomsmen as Cal, Shamus and my big brother Mike and Carrie of course tells me I will be her bridesmaid as well as Celeste and Roni. Candey is her Maid of Honor, Noah the Best Man. If we weren
’t coming full circle no matter how deep I dug my heels in, we were now. My hiding out and hanging with Jerry, Shamus’s dad are going to come to an end too. Shamus and his dad had a falling out when he left for the big time and were just now starting to rebuild their relationship. Jerry had been my rock through everything. He had kept all my secrets and loved me through them. Jerry was the only one who knew the truth about my abusive marriage. Just like I was the only one who knew how deep his drinking went. I wouldn’t deny being there for them or how I was always there for Jerry in a vain attempt to protect my shattered heart.

Shattered heart
…

I make a mental note to tuck away those words later as a poem starts forming in my mind. Poetry that I probably suck at but write none the less. I started writing when I wrote the letter to Shamus because it actually helped me release my pain. Most of them morphed into poems of longing for Shamus and fear of Corey.

“
Will you?” Carrie asks and I feel like a shit friend for tuning them out.

“
What?” I ask with a chuckle. “Sorry just thinking of us all changing so much. Will I what?”

“
Will you write something for us, something that we can use in the ceremony?”

“
Carrie”- My words fail me when I see both Noah and Chad watching me with a grimace and Carrie waiting for my answer. “Care, I love you but my poetry is shitty at best let alone it’s private.”

Carrie looks shocked and I immediately want to take my words back.
“First Cass, your poetry is un-fucking-real. Second I know it’s private and close to your heart. I wouldn’t have said anything if I thought Chad and Noah didn’t already know. I would keep it a secret but would have still liked that personal piece from you. If you cant I understand and we will use the John Donne poem we both love.”

Chad looks at Carrie and I want to cry at the look he gives her.

That look defines love.

I had that look once too.

I start thinking of ways I can play off of Elegy by John Donne and decide then and there I can and will do this for them. “No, I will do it and I am going to make it as special as I can for you.”

“
Really Cass? You sure?” This is Chad asking and I love him for it.

I nod and Noah steps beside me for a hug kissing me gently on top of my head.
“Strong as fuck Cass.” He says and I hug him tighter for his words. When Noah Beckett calls you strong you can’t help but whither the bad shit away.

Noah Beckett is strength defined.