Forgive Me (22 page)

This kills me, as it does every time. I know that look, I have seen it so many times that it
’s hard to not know what steals her mind. “I want to talk to her about it so bad.”

She sighs a knowing sigh.
“I’m not about to break any confidences here, but I will say be careful what you wish for. She was so completely broken last night Shame, raw like I have never seen before. Knowing the things she told me last night, carrying that type of pain around and shame… it burns your ass.”

Fuck, I hate that people keep telling me that knowing what she survived is a hard weight to carry. Why won
’t she trust me to help carry that burden? “I don’t know Tay… I’m starting to think I’ll never know.”

At that she laughs.
“No, I’m certain you’re about to find out. Noah came in like a fucking hurricane last night hoping she would come talk to you.”

This was interesting and scary because I had no idea what she was talking about.
“Talk to me where?”

Now she is laughing hysterically and I feel a deep sickness roll through me
… the ‘what the fuck did I get into last night’ type. “What Tay?” I ask.

“
No way, this one is for the guys to share.” She stands to leave, but stops and drops a small kiss on my head. “I would give anything to be loved like you love her Shame.”

I speak without thinking.
“Cal?” It is the one thing I ask, but already know the answer to.

She only smiles a small smile, a sad one and makes her way to the door.
“Looks like you may get some answers.” She says and opens the door for Noah as she leaves. “Fuck please tell me you didn’t tell him about last night?” He asks and I can see the excitement coming off him at my possible humiliation.

Tayla laughs and hugs him as she leaves, yelling over her shoulder,
“Oh no, I saved it for you guys.”

I make my way back to the kitchen for more coffee and grab a mug for Noah as well before I dock my iPod and get tunes going. Music is in my blood, mix that with coffee and I
’ll start coming out of the haze.

I shuffle to
Puddle of Mudd
and hit play on
Blurry,
right as Noah comes through the kitchen. “Should I start some nice over easy eggs… the runny kind that taste good but still make you sick because you like em’ anyway?”

I gag and shove the empty mug at him knowing he is trying to make me sick.

And succeeding, the dick.

“
Blurry?” He asks and cocks a brow as he fills his mug. Noah gets music on the same level as I do. The lyrics and the meaning.

“
Makes sense don’t you think?” He knows what I mean by that because the song states it clearly. “
Nobody told me what you thought, Nobody told me what to say. Everyone showed you where to turn, told you when to runaway” Yeah Noah got it, even though it made me a bit of a dick.

“
Touché?”

I laugh and sit at the counter.
“Spill it, what did I do?”

He laughs and leans between the counter and the sink.
“It would be easier to tell you what you didn’t do, than what you did.”

I groan and roll my head on my shoulders as
“
She Hates Me
” comes on. Laughing darkly, I turn it up. “I’m guessing this makes sense too?”

Noah looks at me and shakes his head, serious now.
“What do you remember?”

I think back over the night. I
’m not the blackout drinker, but there have been times that it can take a few days for all of the night's events to come back to me. I can remember the bar and all that took place there. “Well, I remember the bar and yelling at her. Tay showed me pictures the swag mags took and they helped piece it together a little, but I’m a little jaded after the bar.”

He laughs. “Chad and Cal drug you up and down the streets of Bellevue why you yelled and screamed for Cassa to come out come out wherever she was. By the time we made it to her place you were too far gone to talk to her so I went in and told Candey to call a cab. I walked in though in the middle of a chick fest with tears wine and chocolate. Gave me the creeps so I made my point and left.”

“
Made what point?”

He groans and rubs his neck in frustration. It
’s the dudes only tell and it usually means he wants to nut you. “Dude, I came to make fun of you not for girl talk.”

I knew I was a pussy, I had no choice to own it when it came to Sass.
“I hope one day Candey finds a way to baffle you and leaves you wondering what the fuck, because it will happen and when it does I’ll remember this moment.”

I am only half kidding and he knows this.

“
Dude, I just told her enough was enough. The evasive bullshit is getting old and I made it clear I wouldn’t pick her over you or the band again. She either starts talking or I do.”

He shrugs like all of that was the norm. Not at all, in fact it
’s a complete douche-bag move.

“
And you think that can help?” I am close to hyperventilating. “Fuck, I can’t believe you thought threatening her was okay. I thought this was your area of expertise?”

He laughs at me and shakes his head.
“You know I never knew that I was surrounded by idiots until recently with this shit between you and Cass. I swear to fuck you are all fucking crazy.”

“
Explain because it sounds to me you lost what little warmth you possessed and went for the jugular!”

“
What little warmth I had? Fuck you Shame. How about all of you back the fuck up and remember who Cassa is? Get down under the beaten and abused shit and you’ll see she is still there. She has allowed everyone to forget who she is and she allowed it because she forgot too. Cassa is not a submissive pussy Shame.”

This, in all his anger and bullying, makes sense.
“Continue…”

“
Take a dog, for instance. You get a dog from the pound and the dog is great, full of energy and happiness. But you don’t nurture that and over time that dog loses its vibrancy and over time it can become a killer if treated bad enough. You think me and Carrie were born this jaded? Fuck no, we learned to be careful of everything that had a possibility of hurting us. You can make anyone be submissive, but it doesn’t mean they are naturally that way. Cassa was never submissive. Even the times he tried like fuck to beat her into it, he couldn’t and it’s why each time, the beatings were more severe and the mental shit was more lethal. What happens to a dog that can’t be tamed? You kill it and get another. That is what Cory tried to do and he even failed at that.

She is tough as nails Shame, she doesn
’t remember it, but she is.” He fills his coffee and I am still trying to retain all the good damn points he made. I really, really, want to be Noah when I grow up, because he has a way of cutting through piles of bullshit and ugly to find the real and the pretty.

“
Do you know that she only ever cried twice?”

This makes me pause in all thought and reason.
“No. I don’t know anything about her past with him other than the night he tried killing her.”

“
I’ll say this and only this because there is purpose to it, the rest is on her. I’ll never have to be the one to tell you everything because I know Cassa and she won’t let me or anyone back her into a corner, which was the point I was trying to make last night. That being said, I will tell you he forced her to eat garbage once, rubbed her face in coffee grounds and rotten food, then forced her to eat it. She cried because of the degradation of it, not because he hurt her and she couldn’t understand why, but because he humiliated her. The second time she cried and the only time she begged, was the night he almost killed her. That’s it Shame. He beat her fucking senseless almost every day, some real sadistic shit too, and she always fought back, gave attitude. But only twice did she cry.”

“
Holy fuck.” I say because there are no words to match what I am thinking right now, but it’s a mixture of utter rage and total sadness and oddly pride in knowing how bad she fought it.

“
Yep. So I made my point last night, that I was sick of the drama and the fighting and that she needed to come clean before I blew it all out. Fucking Candey and Carrie both had my ass in a sling for it too, but like you and everyone else they don’t seem to remember who the fuck that girl is.”

I chose my words carefully here because I can see Noah is sick and tired of being the go to guy for us and our drama. He doesn
’t see how needed and awesome he is. We all try reminding him in ways he won't figure out and nut us for it, but even now I know asking what to do will only set him off. Noah has given me the answer, but he does so in a way that still leaves you guessing. I however have found a loophole in his way of things. “What would you do if you were in my shoes?”

He lets out a low whistle between his teeth and seems to ponder my question.
“Well, I wouldn’t kiss her ass and pussy foot around her anymore that’s for sure. I would take what I know into consideration and then back her in a corner and demand the truth. I do it with Carrie, I did it with Candey… with anyone. But I’m a dominant, unlike the likes of any of you. I have my own way of being heard. You need to find what works for you and what you can live with, but tread carefully bro.”

This
… was absolutely not helpful at all.

“
Yeah for sure.” I pretend, when now, I’m even more confused.

“
I’m heading out to see my niece. I would call Chad and Cal and tell em’ thanks for the lift up the hill.” He laughs and heads out leaving me alone with my thoughts.

I need to get to my dad
’s place on Mercer and check the house and I know why I am there I will end up going to Cass and begging her to fucking talk. Until then, I need to think of all that shit Noah laid out for me and see if I can find the answer somewhere.

Now that I know what I'm without
You can't just leave me
Breathe into me and make me real
Bring me to life
Wake me up inside
Wake me up inside
Call my name and save me from the dark
Bid my blood to run
Before I come undone
Save me from the nothing I've become

Evanescence

Chapter Twenty Three

Cassa

I pulled into the drive of Jerry’s house and let the engine run. I looked at the house, so small compared to the others on the island. Jerry was so proud of owning his own home on the elite island; his small empire was bigger than he thought. There were no lights on inside and I wondered if Shamus would ever come here again. I got out of the car and walked up the stone path, rain beating against my skin, but I didn’t feel it, all I felt was the pain in my chest knowing Jerry wasn’t here to fix things this time. I was here now hoping to find some rationality before I made my way to Shamus in Gig tonight. I put my key in the lock and stepped inside. The small lamp on the side of the couch was still on like Jerry had left it and his house keys were in the dish next to the door. I locked it behind me and walked into the kitchen and froze when I saw the French doors leading to a large patio, open.

I peered around the side of the door and felt a moment of panic to the large figure in dark clothes sitting on the wooden bench at the end of the dock, but I knew who it was. Shamus sat looking out over the water, no jacket as the rain raged against him. I grabbed a jacket and headed out to meet him on the dock, if he were freezing I would freeze with him and we would finally have this out. Calmness rolled through me as I made my way down the plank to the dock. I would tell him the truth, everything regardless how hard it would be to look him in the eye and admit to all I had let happen and beg him to forgive me.

I saw his back tighten when he heard my footsteps behind him. I paused and wanted to run the other way when he didn’t even turn to see me. I didn’t know what to say or how to start a conversation that was as dark as this would be. But he spoke first.

"No more lies, I want the truth Cassa." His voice was deep and full of anguish and I knew at that moment that he was far more hurt then I thought. I walked towards him and placed my hand on his shoulder, he was freezing but he didn’t move a muscle from the cold, he shrugged at my touch, a sign he didn’t want me touching him. My heart broke when I stepped in front of him and caught sight of the only man I have ever loved. Water was dripping off the brim of his hat and on to his face. His lips so full and ready to please me were now drawn tight from the pain and the cold; his eyes were cold and empty of anything but pain.

"Ok Shame." I said and hung my head, my jacket already soaked I felt a shiver. I couldn’t look at him as I spoke. “Cory started abusing me the day after I was released from the hospital after I had lost our baby.”

I paused and waited for a response but all I got was his fists, white knuckles that were white hot against his freezing red hands. "He drugged me too... on days that he had court late. If I was drugged when he was gone, then he didn’t need to worry about any mayhem I caused." I let the words linger when darkness shrouded his face.

"What?" He whispered his voice not willing to cooperate with the rage inside.

"He drugged me, he used to buy Chlorazapam from the dealers on the streets that dealt in pharmaceuticals and drug me with it when I would try and leave.”

I clear my throat and try to explain myself.
“The other night, I.. I was dreaming, usually the dreams when he would use it were really vivid. I had a nightmare that you were with that girl from a while back, Brit and that you kept telling me to wake up because he was there. I felt the prick in my arm and then I felt it all over my body. When I talked to you later that night, I was still in the mindset of that dream and confused by memories and how I was so desperate to talk to you but scared too. It’s why I always get mad when you’re gone…when you’re here the fear vanishes and I can breathe.”

Shamus looked at me then and I could see the rage simmering just under his pain. Pain at everything I had hidden from him. "Why didn’t you tell me Cassa?"

"I'm ashamed Shamus, I hate bringing the people I love into this nightmare." I threw myself against his body, begging him to just...love me. "I can’t watch you turn into Mike, I won’t have you tell me to go to therapists and call the Parole board and PO's every day." I covered my face in his shirt as my tears flowed as heavy as the whipping rain.

"Cassa." He pulled back from my embrace to see my face. "I want you to fight, but I need to be fighting with you. I won’t make you hide and I won’t make you do anything you don’t want to as long as your safe. But you can’t hide shit like this from me." He was still so angry. He threw his arms in the air and spun back on his heels, furious because he needed the truth of things I was terrified to admit. "I can’t even hold your hand in public Cassa. I have cameras around me at all times and I can’t show the world the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with because I am scared it may anger her Ex and he kills us both." He stormed away walking to the end of the dock, to get away from me? I didn’t know.

"This is my life too Cassa. I had every right to know he broke you and is still breaking you from behind a cell!”

Oh fuck, it
’s like this whole thing just keeps getting worse.

I choked on my tears, the retched feeling of all my secrets being laid bare, watching him break apart from the deception of it all and having no idea how bad it all really was. "I'm sorry Shame. I don’t know how to explain this, but he…." I was near hyperventilating. "He, he.. he g-g-g-g-got out…-"

He was at my side in five long strides. "Chill baby…" He tried sounding calm I know he did, but with that I had essentially infuriated him. Watching him try soothing the truth from me, when the truth was igniting a fury in him I never knew existed was too much. I knew I would look back on this moment and find a small grain of peace, because I wasn’t scared of Shame. Not even a little.

I couldn’t talk, I just nodded my head and flinched when he flew his arms in the air and roared in frustration. "I can’t fucking fix this!" He kicked the wall of the boathouse at the end of the dock, repeatedly and with every kick I was consumed with anguish at what I was turning him into.

Carrie had been right, but I think I always knew she was. Shame, like Chad, wanted the control to fix the nightmare. What Shamus had to deal with though, that Chad didn
’t, was the fact he was wanting to fix the parts of my life that were broken.

Shattered.

Destroyed.

Ruined.

I could only cry and I hated that I was reduced to nothing more but tears. I had lost. Lost Shamus, lost the respect of the ones I love the most and sadly I had lost the fight a long fucking time ago. I hated this feeling, I hated that I had kept this from him. Looking at him I figured it would only get worse if I didn’t just spill it all already. "When you left me Shamus… I was consumed with the pain. That sort of pain was something Cory could never achieve with me. He knew when we met that I was jaded and hurting. I was his target because my weakness was so visible. Throughout our marriage and courtship, he wanted, needed for me to love him the same. I think he always knew that I never could. I had no choice in the matter Shamus.”

There was a sudden rush of old buried hurt and anger at repeating the parts I have never shared with a soul, not even Noah. I grip at the sides of my sopping wet jacket and scream at him in my own anger now.
“I had no choice in you leaving me. I had no choice in how deep you hurt me Shamus! I tried to be happy. I tried going out with the girls and to concerts. I tried so fucking hard to gain that shattered piece of myself back.”

I grip the tattered piece of paper I brought with me this morning. I had written a poem that went through me like blood in my veins, because it was the words I felt at his leaving me. The words of my hurt and sorrow and pain, bled through as I roar in my own outrage.

“
By the time he started to hit me Shamus I was too lost in the anguish to give a fuck. I decided long before he butchered me that I would accept this fate and live it.” I step closer until we are inches from one another, even through the anger I can feel the sexual draw rolling from him toward me in waves. It takes everything inside of me to not touch him.

We are fierce when our bodies make the choice for us. We always have been. When he was hurting I would please him, when I was angry he would fuck it out of me. Not this time. No fucking way.

“
I settled Shamus. I couldn’t have you and I didn’t dare to go looking for someone better than the one who left me behind like an afterthought. Every time he hit me, gripped my hair, spit
in my face, called me worthless or kicked me until I was unconscious it was your face I dreamed of one day rescuing me. You were never a knight in shining armor, you were my bad ass rocker with tats and skill and loved me through every breath.”

My tears are hot as they spill from my eyes against freezing cold cheeks, a bitter reminder of the hot pain inside. “When I would wake up it was that thought that dug the knife deeper. A constant reminder of the fact you fucking left me!” I scream the last part and push him as hard as I can, my hands beating against his chest in anger.

I am instantly terrified by my own reaction, but my body is still in over drive as I continue to hit him. I feel the steel grip of his fingers as he grips first one wrist and then the other, stopping the assault.

I cannot believe I have hit another person. I had fought back in the day against any fangirl dumb enough to go after Shamus, but I had never touched a person I love. I am disgusted at myself.

I yank my hands free of his grip and fall to my knees as I cry into my hands.

“
So you figured, hey let me get my fucking ass kicked daily just because you couldn’t get over me?” He roars unaffected by my tears. “Excuse me while I try to forgive myself for fucking your life up beyond all fucking god damned measure!” He kicks the wall again and I can’t even muster the anger to fight him and his sarcastic bullshit. “I didn’t need the secrets or the lies Cassa. I need the truth. I don’t give a fuck about the past anymore because we both are too fucked up to try and fix our mistakes. But I fucking deserved to know that the whole mother fucking time I was gone on stupid useless PR bullshit, that mother fucker has been out. I don’t know this fucking dude Sass. I don’t know crazy on that level and I sure as fuck don’t know if he has been watching you when I am gone, waiting to fucking kill you.”

He storms toward me and drops to his knees before me, gripping my shoulders until I am looking at his face, blurred by my tears.
“Do you fucking get this? Do you get the fucking danger of those type of secrets?”

“
Don’t talk to me about what I don’t get Shamus. You have no clue what I have tried to fight against and protect.”

“
Well make sure you run and tell Noah, but don’t tell me, the man who would fucking die for you. Don’t tell me shit right!”

I feel like he has dug a knife into my heart with his last dig. But even though his sarcasm hurts me, he has every right to feel this way. What he doesn
’t know, is that there are secrets even Noah isn’t privy to.

I sit there sobbing, soaked and shivering from the rain as Shamus paces the dock muttering curses and sometimes screaming them. When he does speak I don
’t know how long it has been.

"Anything else?" he asked, his voice like sandpaper and it scares me. His voice was the same as a man who had admitted defeat and stopped fighting.