Found: A Mother for His Son (11 page)

“You’re not forcing me to stay, Dermott.”

“Maybe not, but I do have some responsibility in it, and I want to make it better for you here.”

“With a picnic?”

He nodded. “With a picnic. Maybe a couple hours away will do you some good. Make you smile like you actually mean it. You know, be happy here, because I don’t think you are.”

“I want to be happy, Dermott. I want to like Fort Dyott, and my job here. I want to fall in love with all the small-town charm and eat peppermint ice cream in a parlor where they’re not talking about…” She cut it off. Sighed stiffly, quite surprised she had so many wishes to spill out. “This is the side of me you didn’t know about, the one that gets restless and finds reasons to keep to myself, or even move on if I have to. I don’t want to, but it’s what I do. Which is crazy, because sometimes, when I’m feeling too settled or happy, it’s like I can’t get away fast enough.”

“A self-defense mechanism. But what are you protecting yourself from, Jenna? For me, it’s rumors and speculations and people who mean well but don’t know better and might say something to Max I don’t want him to hear.”

“For me, it’s…me. I’m just not good over the very long haul.” She laughed, but it was filled with so much sadness. “So I don’t get involved in anything other than my work. It’s just easier that way.”

“That’s because you resign yourself to baby steps when you could be taking big leaps.”

“Baby steps work for me. They’re safe.”

“Do they, though? You’ve convinced yourself that’s what you want because it’s safe, but deep down, JJ, that’s not you. You’re the kind of person who should be breaking free of those baby steps and taking big, huge leaps because that’s what’s in you. It was there all those years ago, and it still is. But you fight it.”

Jenna swallowed hard. She desperately wanted him to be right about that. All those big leaps got too complicated, and took her to places she didn’t belong. The baby steps were safer. Sure, they might not take her far, but at this point in her life, the trade-off was fine—relative safety over almost anything else. “You know what, Dermott? I think you should be getting back to Max now. He’s probably wondering where you are.”

He gave her a curious look like he wasn’t ready to end the conversation, then he must have changed his mind because his expression switched from serious to a mischievous twinkle, with a playful arch of his left eyebrow. “Actually, Max helped pack the picnic basket, and he was pretty insistent it had to be for the two of
us.
You don’t want to disappoint him, do you?”

Was there a hidden agenda in there somewhere? Or was this Dermott simply taking pity on her and trying to be kind? With Dermott, it was hard to tell. “And what would I be getting myself into with this picnic?”

“It’s a no-strings-attached picnic down at the river. Beautiful sunset, one of the best in Alberta. Good food prepared by my own hand, if you don’t mind tuna salad sandwiches and wine. Modestly pleasant company. Modestly pleasant conversation with that modestly pleasant company. Modestly nice couple of hours away from everything. And did I mention, no strings attached?”

When he stood there grinning at her the way he was, it was hard to resist him. His picnic idea sounded nice, as a matter of fact. So maybe she shouldn’t get all suspicious or cautious because it could be that a picnic was a picnic was a picnic, no agendas or pity intended. “You don’t have to entertain me, Dermott. Like I said, I have plans for the evening that suit me just fine.”

“Did it ever occur to you that I might want you to entertain me? You know, adult conversation, or medical conversation between two medical professionals.”

“Which is it?”

“Some of it all. You need to get away. I need to get away. I need an hour or two where all the things that normally bother me won’t bother me. So, do I have to beg?”

Jenna laughed, not at anything funny so much as that mischievous twinkle. He simply couldn’t hide it. “OK, I hate seeing a grown man beg.” She paused, faking a frown. “Were you going to get down on your knees?”

“Is that what you’d like to see?”

She never could win one of these little skirmishes with Dermott. In truth, she’d never really wanted to. “What if I said yes?” Keeping a straight face was a struggle, and she had to bite down on her lower lip to keep from smiling. “What if I told you that I’d love to see you down on your knees?”

“Only for a marriage proposal. And that, JJ, never comes before the tuna salad sandwich. So, go grab your sweater. Once the sun goes down, so does the temperature, and I’m not sure you’re ready to have me keep you warm the only way I know how.”

Jenna saw that mischievous twinkle again just as she turned to run and fetch her sweater. The thing was, he might have only been teasing, but common sense was reminding her that a sunset picnic with Dermott had played into a fantasy or two in the past. In fact, hadn’t she once told him that her idea of the most romantic date in the world was a sunset picnic, with a nice bonfire and a cozy soft blanket?

Had he remembered that? Like the ice cream, the tea, her birthday? The coincidences were adding up, weren’t they?

Dear lord, she didn’t want to think about that! But the more she didn’t want to, the more she did.

The chat between the two of them was casual as they drove away from town. Some of it entailed the medical practice, most of it was about Max. All safe ground, and she was glad for that because it put the notion of romance further out of her head. Where it belonged.

Just getting out of Fort Dyott had such a calming effect—or maybe that calming effect came from being with Dermott—she didn’t want to disrupt that in any way. So they talked, and Jenna also took a good bit of time to stare at the magnificent sights out the window. Alberta’s landscape in this area was stunning. She hadn’t paid much attention on her way in, but on this little byway they were traveling, where the flat plains opened into a craggy expanse of hills and forest, the perfect composure of it all simply flowed into her, making her feel at peace, helping her understand why Dermott wanted to come here. He needed that tranquility even more than she did.

“It’s a hidden gem,” he said, as they hiked their way through a woody patch, up the side of a modest hill. “I used to like coming here when…” He broke off.

When what? When he and Nancy had been married? Was he actually bringing her to the place he’d brought his wife? Jenna stopped cold in her tracks. “When what, Dermott?” she demanded.

He spun around to face her. “When I was a boy. We lived near here for a little while, and this is where I came when I ran away from home for a few days.”

“I thought…”

“I know what you thought…that I used to bring my wife here. That’s right, isn’t it?”

“What else was I supposed to think?”

“That maybe I’d have enough sense not to bring someone I care for to a place I’d brought my wife.”

He looked hurt, but he turned away from her so quickly she couldn’t tell for sure. “Why do you always do that? Just walk away from it? Or ignore it?” Where was the old Dermott? She’d started out on this picnic with him, but he’d disappeared somewhere along the way, and she wanted him back. Desperately.

“What I do, Jenna, is what I think is best for everyone involved. I’ve had so much confrontation, I just…” He shook his head in frustration. “It’s not too far away. How about we continue there, spread out the blanket, have a nice meal, and then…” Shrugging, Dermott turned back to the trail and continued to walk, and they didn’t say another word until they stopped at a spot that was so breathtaking all Jenna could do was stand and stare for a moment.

“You found this when you were a boy?” she asked.

“By accident. I’d heard about a higher bluff, one where you could look down and see some circular stone medicine wheels—they were used by the Blackfoot First Nation in spiritual rites and death ceremonies. I was the big-city boy who really wanted to see the Indian ruins, but the big-city boy had a pretty bad sense of direction, and this is where I ended up. Not that I’m complaining, because in time it became one of my favorite places in the world.”

“I don’t suppose I really have a favorite place,” Jenna said, spreading out the blanket. It
was
soft and cozy. “And to be honest, most of my outdoor experience has been limited to city parks.”

“You can have this. That is, if you want a favorite place.”

Kneeling down on the blanket, she stared at Dermott, who’d already sprawled out. In the background, the rush of water over the river rocks seemed almost like a balm for all the anxieties she’d been feeling for so long. “You’d let me share it with you?”

“Or you can have it all to yourself, if that’s what you want.”

It was only a gesture, but it meant so much. The kindness, the sincerity…she hadn’t felt those things from anybody in such a long time and when she looked into Dermott’s eyes, that’s what she saw. That, and so much more. “I think I’m tired of having things all to myself,” she said, finally relaxing, finally trusting. It was difficult, trusting the old Dermott and having so many unanswered questions about the one who’d replaced him. It was her problem to deal with, though, and this was a start. At least, she wanted to make it a start, because there were so many qualities in the new Dermott she really did admire.

“You go through that phase in your life where it’s good to be independent. You have your own rules, you can tweak your life into anything you want it to be and there’s no one there to be contrary or doubtful. But then you grow up…or, shall I say, grow wiser. The things that were essential in establishing yourself aren’t important any more because you’ve achieved what you wanted toward that end, or mellowed enough that they don’t matter any longer. Then, somewhere along the way, you get really tired of everything being about yourself. If you’re single, it’s hard to step out of that. If you’re fortunate to have someone else, the way you have Max, the changes happen because you want them to happen, and all the things you’ve had to yourself become about someone who turns out to be the most important person in your life. Does that make sense?”

Dermott nodded. “I am fortunate. And you’re right. My life is all about Max now. He
is
the most important person in my life. So, did you ever want children, Jenna? I mean, you’re not too old, not even close to it. But have you ever thought about it?”

Since she’d bought those baby booties, she’d thought about that more than once. “I love children. They’re these wonderful little bundles of energy and intelligence and insight that can amaze you and confuse you and scare you to death. But me as a mother…”

“You have a natural instinct, and Max responds to it. He really does like you, and that’s a high compliment from a young man who hasn’t had much womanly experience outside his grandmother and a couple of little girls in town his own age he’d rather hit than woo.”

“But the hitting will turn into wooing.”

“That’s what I’m afraid of. Max, as a ladies’ man.”

“Like his father.”

Dermott arched playful eyebrows. “And what do you mean by that?”

She arched playful eyebrows back at him. “I wasn’t the only one you took to the supply closet.”

“Where’d you ever hear something like that?”

“No one had to tell me. But I saw the way all the women reacted to you, and you saw it too. In fact, I’m pretty sure you were flattered by all the attention.”

Pulling a bottle of chardonnay from the hamper, Dermott inserted the corkscrew and popped out the cork. “Of course I was flattered,” he said, as he poured the wine into two stemmed goblets, then handed one to Jenna. “Any red-blooded man in my position would have been flattered. But being flattered and acting on it are two different things.”

“So you’re telling me I was the only one?”

“At the time, yes.”

A straightforward answer, and it surprised her a little. Yet in a way, it didn’t. Dermott was steady, he didn’t play with people’s emotions, didn’t lead them on. Jenna lifted her glass. “Then, to old times. They weren’t so bad.”

He clinked his glass to hers. “Old times. They were pretty damned good, if you ask me.” He took a sip, then studied her for a moment. “Would you have cared if you weren’t the only one I took to the supply closet?”

“Maybe, a little.” Dermott did have a bit of a bad-boy reputation back then, but that had all been part of the appeal. Would she have stayed with him, even for those few weeks, had she been one of his many? “Yes, I think I might have cared.”

“Well, just so you’ll know, you were the only one I ever took to
that
supply closet, or any other. Reputation or not, I was too busy working my way through med school and a residency to get myself involved. You were as close as I came. So why’d you run away after we got caught?”

“You scared me. I scared me. Everything scared me. I was seeing things in myself that didn’t belong there…”

“Things I’d caused?” Dermott asked gently.

“Some of them. And when I realized how easy it was to get so out of control with you, I decided to get myself back under control. It was only a fling. We knew that at the start and I thought a clean break was for the best.”

“Was it really only a fling, JJ? Because it seemed like so much more.”

She paused, glass halfway to her lips, and frowned. “That’s what it was supposed to be. What we’d agreed on, and I was sticking to our agreement.” Lifting the glass the rest of the way to her lips, she took a large gulp of the wine, nearly emptying the glass. As he picked up the bottle to refill it, she refused. Getting light-headed from too much wine too fast wasn’t what she wanted of this evening. Although…she truly didn’t know what she did want. “I know it doesn’t seem so from your perspective, but I keep a pretty tight rein on my life and when things get complicated, I uncomplicate them.”

“By running away?”

“If that’s what it takes. I can work anywhere, and there are a lot of sights to see.” She didn’t want this to be about her any more. Dermott was getting too close, asking questions that needed real answers, and she didn’t want to lie to him. But she didn’t want to tell him the truth, either. Didn’t want to dig down to that place inside herself where the necessary answers were buried. It was too painful. “So, how long did you stay out here on your big adventure?”