Fractious (7 page)

He'd introduced himself as Tat, which I made him repeat seven or eight times before I
figured out that he wasn't pulling my leg. Tat was a master swordsman who hated the outside
world so he'd left the cities for the safety and snow of the mountain. And since there was a
dragon nearby who would someday have to be slain, he thought this mountain path was a good
place to set up shop. Many people had crossed through his territory but he said he couldn't
remember a one who had come back. That did nothing to lift my spirits.

"So, Tat" I said over a steamy cup of something that was probably tea, but like the pines,
I wasn't exactly sure. "How did you learn to be a sword smith?"

"College," the old man said. "What the hell do you do, giant?"

"Me?" I said, stabbing myself in the chest with my thumb.

"Ain't no other giant I see around."

"I'm a banker."

Tat laughed out loud, his voice crackly like dried old paper.

I saw Cu smiling at me and said, "What's so funny about that?"

"You don't look like you could count to twenty with your shoes off," Tat said.

It was my turn to laugh. "Actually, I can only count to nineteen with my shoes off."

Tat and Cu looked at me in morbid curiosity.

They left me no choice but to remove my left shoe and show them my missing little toe.
I wiggled the ones that were left and said, "Lost it in a tragic accident involving a TV tray and a
garage door. I could reenact it, but we don't have a garage door."

Both men sidled up to me and bent over my foot. Cu made a face but the old man
seemed even more intrigued then he was before. "Now that's cool," Tat said, twirling his kung fu
movie style mustache about his forefinger.

"I don't know if cool is the word for it," I muttered. "Nothing I can do about it
now."

"What about a prosthetic?" Cu said.

I blinked at him but didn't answer. "Anyway, how about this tea stuff? What is it?"

Tat drank from his cup, savoring the taste. "Just a little concoction I make from the bark
of the pine trees and the dung of my goats."

The liquid in my mouth suddenly sprayed out onto the floor of its own accord. I wiped
the back of my hand over my lips and apologized.

Tat stared for a moment before saying, "Get out."

"Why?"

"Because you insulted my cooking," Tat said, rising to his feet and putting his wrinkled
hands on his knobby hips.

"You didn't cook anything," I said sternly.

"I don't care. I don't like you. Go outside."

I sighed and clambered to my feet, hunched over in this thatched hut. "Fine," I said
under my breath. "Nobody here likes me and I didn't even ask to come." I continued to grumble
quietly as I went outside and shut the door behind me. I decided that I felt more comfortable
hanging out with Fractious the mule, so I went and sat by the corral and listened to the mule try
to convince the goats to take his place as the sacrifice. After an hour had gone by, Fractious had
had no luck and I wasn't having much either. I'd found a chicken and was attempting to teach her
to play Tic-Tac-Toe, since the mule had had no head for the game.

The chicken was winning when Cu came out of the hut with a broadsword strapped to
his back. The chicken scratched her last X, taking me out easily, and I got up in a huff, kicking
the bird across the yard in my anger. The chicken fluttered her useless wings yet landed safely.
She looked at me with contempt then clucked and began pecking at the ground. I stuck out my
tongue at the dastardly bird before I went to take a look at Cu's new sword.

"Pretty," was the first word that shuffled out of my mouth.

"Swords aren't pretty," I heard Tat say from behind me.

I turned to face the old man.

"Swords are deadly," Tat said. "And fancy."

"Fancy?" I repeated.

Tat shrugged. "Whatever."

I didn't know what else to say except, "Can I hold it?"

Cu turned to face me and said, "No."

And that was that.

We had a sword and Tat made me take a goatskin canteen full of his wonderfully tasting
yet nasty ass tea. If I forgot about what was in it, it tasted pretty damned good. I couldn't quite
get past the lingering flavor of goat dung. In the end I shared most of it with Fractious the mule,
who didn't seem to mind the goat dung in the slightest. He did seem a little bit bummed about the
goats not wanting to come along for the fun, adventure and sacrifice to a dragon.

We continued along the path through the mountains. The air got thinner and the path got
windier, but I couldn't think of anything to talk about so I kept my mouth shut. I just trudged
along behind Cu, pulling my pony by his reins and looking past Fractious the mule's gray ass to
the sword on Cu's back. It looked like what I imagined a Scottish broadsword to look like. It had
a long blade, almost too long for Cu, and it shone bright and new in the dim light in the
mountains. There was a groove in the blade that I knew was for letting blood run down it. The
hilt was wrapped in black leather and it had a silver cross piece where the hilt met the blade. A
Claymore I think is what they call it.

I wanted to hold it, just so I could say I knew what holding a sword felt like, even
though this sword was half the size of a sword in my world and would probably be classified as a
dagger instead. I knew that Cu would never allow me to hold such a thing, but I daydreamed
about it just the same. I saw myself wielding it, pretending like I was Sean Connery in
Highlander
. I couldn't do a Scottish accent, not even in my wildest dreams, nor were
there any heads to lop off, but it was fun anyway. It kept me occupied as we trudged along.

I was beginning to wonder if it ever got dark here in the mountains, when it suddenly
began to get dark.

"Where are we going to sleep tonight?" I said to Cu's back as it moved along before
me.

"There's a cave up ahead," he said without looking back.

"How do you know this area so well?" I wondered how he knew about the sword smith's
house and the cave. I still had a hunch he'd been down this road before so I said, "How many
people have you brought up this road to feed to the dragon?"

"Oh, a couple," was his reply.

"A couple?!" I shrieked. It was the answer I was expecting but I still wasn't really
expecting it. "Are you serious?!"

"Quite," Cu said.

I stopped short and my pony accidentally ran his head into my rear. He snorted at my
back then moved away from me. Cu stopped just up ahead but neither Fractious the mule nor his
pony ran into him. I was just lucky in that, I guess. Things like to bump my butt...

"Come on," Cu said. "It'll be dark in ten minutes and we're almost there. You don't want
to be out in the dark."

"I don't want to be out, period," I said, planting my feet in the manner I'd learned from
Fractious the mule.

"Fine," Cu muttered. "Suit yourself. But when you start screaming, don't blame me." He
tugged at the reins of his pony and the lead of the mule and went around a corner in the rugged
path.

It only took a minor rustle of the bushes beside me for me to yank on my pony's reins
and run to catch up to him.

The cave was big enough for both us, the ponies, the mule and a bear. Thankfully, there
wasn't a bear present at the time. There was a black spot on the floor where someone had, at one
point, built a fire. There were sticks stacked in a corner and Cu began gathering some, building a
little teepee in the center of the black mark. I watched, standing at the mouth of the cave with my
arms crossed over my chest. I was pissed and hoped my stance showed as much.

Cu didn't even notice, so I had to say, "Do you not see me standing here mad at
you?"

"I see," he answered. "I've never cared before. What makes you think I'll care
now?"

I dropped my arms and huffed. "I hate you."

"I hate you, too," he said back.

"Good!" I yelled, my voice echoing back in the rear of the cave. Fractious the mule gave
a quick bray that bounced off the cavern walls, chasing my voice around. He was standing near
me and I stroked one of his big, soft ears, both for my own comfort and for his.

Cu didn't say anything.

I felt compelled to say, "I'm not going any farther with you until you explain everything
to me."

"No one's gotten past the dragon," Cu said. "And no one until you has even had the
brains to question me."

I blinked.

Cu rolled his eyes. "Nobody ever seemed to notice that I know my way around really
well. I just go to the emergency ward at a hospital and find someone who's been bonked on the
head. I try to choose the dumbest fuck I can find, and there's always a couple of dumb fucks in
the ER. They've run into trees or slipped on apple peels. Something stupid. And they never
question me. Ever. So far, you aren't quite fitting the typical profile of a stupid human
being."

I huffed some more. "Oh yeah? And what's the profile?"

"Tall," Cu said, examining me. "Lanky. Big, dumb eyes. Round head. Trench coat. Dark
glasses. Fedora."

I laughed out loud. "That was just a disguise," I said, "to fool you."

"Fool me into what?"

"Thinking I wasn't watching you anymore," I told him. "Which reminds me, that was my
best fedora and I left it in your house. Don't let me forget about it when I leave. If I leave? Am I
ever going to leave?"

"I was kidding," Cu said.

I stood with my mouth open for a minute. "Oh," was all I could manage.

"But," he continued, "since you have seen past the others, I'll tell you what's up." He
cleared his throat. "We have been trying to get to Amergin for the last six months. Every month
I've brought back a mortal from your realm to aid us in getting past the dragon on the top of this
mountain so I can continue on and kill Amergin myself. But no one has made it past the
dragon."

"Why me?" I said, then corrected myself. "Why us? I mean, why pick a human being to
bring back? There must be other realms that this one and mine. Why pick us?"

"Because you're funny," Cu said.

I crossed my arms over my chest, huffing once again. "Well, I'm glad you find me
hilarious."

Cu rolled his eyes until I thought they were going to come unscrewed and bounce down
onto the ground. "You understand comedy," Cu said finally, stopping his eye rolling.

"What does that have to do with anything?" I barked.

"The dragon likes jokes," Cu said.

"The dragon likes jokes," I repeated thoughtfully.

"The dragon likes jokes," Cu said again.

I was tempted to continue the repeating game but held my tongue on that. I only said,
"What makes you think I know any jokes?"

"I don't," Cu said. "I bring back the people who can see me. I wasn't even looking for
you. People who can see me are the ones who've gotten a bad knock on the head. Like you. And
humans and dragons understand comedy. The Tuatha Dé don't."

I rubbed my head, which was apparently the source of my current predicament. Or
maybe I should just blame the muggers, Al and friend. I thought it over for a minute. "When I
get back..." I began, then corrected, "
If
I get back, will I still be able to see you? After
all this is over?"

"Why worry about that," Cu said. "You're gonna die tomorrow."

"I'm not going to die," I said. "Because I'm not going to face your stupid dragon."

"Yes," Cu said, "you are."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"Am not!" I stamped my foot for final emphasis.

"You will," Cu said, "and you know why?"

"Why?" I muttered.

"Because I'm gonna let you take the sword."

I could feel my eyes grow big and a smile forced its way onto my face. "Really?" I said,
excited.

"Really," Cu said, unstrapping the sword and holding it out to me.

I reached for it but he pulled it back. I pouted.

"One condition," Cu said. "You take it, and you go with me tomorrow. Right?"

"Right." I reached for the sword and tried to take it.

"Here," Cu said, holding it out once more.

I took it, one hand carefully on the flat edge of the blade and the other on the hilt.
"Cool," I breathed, watching my breath fog on the silver blade.

"And now tomorrow you fight the dragon," Cu said.

I protested. "But I--"

Cu pointed at what I was holding. "You took the sword! You took it knowing the
condition and you still took it!"

"Shit," I muttered, dropping the sword to waist level, but holding onto it tightly lest I
drop it onto the floor. "I really wanted it."

Cu gave me a wicked smile. "I know," he said. "Now, here's some bread and water. Eat
it all and go to bed. Big day tomorrow!"

I took the bread as I sat down, laying the sword that was really more dagger sized across
my knees. Not that size matters in any instances save for TVs. I stroked the sword lovingly as I
nibbled on what could very well have been my last bit of bread. I didn't mind it all that much
until Cu pulled out what appeared to be a turkey club sandwich. Only then was my mind filled
with jealousy. I chewed on my bread and hated him for various reasons.

I slept well on the hard stone floor, using Fractious the mule's gray back as a pillow,
which he didn't seem to mind much. He slept beneath me and didn't even move when I got up to
take a piss. Outside in the darkness, I kept my ears pricked for rustling brushes, but I heard and
saw nothing. That didn't stop me from rushing back into the cave when I was done with my
whiz.

The fire had gone down to nothing but a bunch of red embers. It gave me enough light
to see my way back into the cave, and I was surprised to suddenly find myself standing over a
sleeping Cu. Had I taken one more step, I probably would have stumbled over him, which surely
would have earned me a beating with his ever present bright green top hat. Said bright green top
hat now sat upright beside him on its brim, glittering in the glow of the embers like the wings of
a green fairy, mocking me all the while. Cu was sleeping soundly except for the occasional loud
snore. I felt odd standing there, knowing I could rid myself of this annoying little man with one
swipe of the sword he had given me, but I didn't. Instead, I went back to Fractious the mule who
was now Fractious my pillow and went back to sleep.