Free to Love (7 page)

“What’s the matter?” Joanna asked, temporarily distracted. She
couldn’t
help noticing he still hadn’t managed to dislodge the pipe.

“Fittings are a little rusty. No sweat, though. I’ll have this baby out of here in no time.”

For the next few minutes, he worked on in silence, twisting and turning, while Joanna continued to hold the flashlight. Her arm was growing heavy and all she really yearned to do after another busy day was slip out of her work clothes and luxuriate in a hot shower. But being close to Austin like this was rather nice, and who was she to complain? After all, he was postponing his trip to help her,
wasn’t
he? She still
couldn’t
fathom why he had taken on such an immense commitment. Hanging around for a few days was one thing, but forsaking most, if not all, of his vacation? It still
didn’t
add up.

“Don’t get what?”

“Here you are, doing all this for me, when what you really need is that fishing trip. Are you sure you don’t mind?”

He glanced over at her.
“Maybe.
Maybe not.
But like I already said, the seals and sea lions are eating most of the salmon anyway.”

“Yes, but that’s not the only reason the salmon are disappearing,” she was quick to point out. “Chemicals in the streams and oceans are killing them too. So is human debris.” She felt her face grow warm with annoyance. Was it really necessary to bring that prickly topic up one more time?

“You can put the flashlight down now,” he said, ignoring her response. “I’m almost done.”

She considered momentarily,
then
asked. “Shouldn’t you be using two wrenches instead of one? Kyle always used to.”

“Nah.
Not for a simple job like this.”

Unexpectedly, she felt something furry brushing against her ankles,
then
edging between their shoulders. “Silky!” she scolded, darting a glance at the calico feline.

Joanna reached out a hand to gently push the cat away, but Silky managed to sashay past them, purring throatily. In seconds, the cat was poking her nose beneath the pipes and connectors.

“Don’t you love the sound of a cat purring?” Joanna asked dreamily.
“Nothing like it after a long day.”

“Right now, no!” The wrench slipped out of his hand and clattered to the floor. Do something, Jo. Get Slinky out of here!”

“Silky,” she corrected. She handed him back the wrench.

“Okay, Silky then.”

She had every intention of retrieving the cat, but
couldn’t
resist teasing him a little. “What’s the matter, Austin?
You’re
the big game vet. Certainly one solitary feline shouldn’t throw you off course.”

A curious Silky continued to purr and explore, pausing to rub her head affectionately against Austin’s shoulder.

“Forget the vet bit,” he growled, though the grin on his face betrayed him. “Right now, I’m the plumber. If you expect me to get this pipe fixed, then you’ll have to do something about this confounded ca—” he jerked back, almost hitting his head against hers while frigid water spewed forth in all directions. “Whoa!”

The cat bolted out of sight.

Joanna shrieked.

Austin lunged to his feet. “Where’s the main shut-off valve?” he shouted.

Joanna, still supine, was laughing so hard the tears streamed down her face. “I... I don’t know,” she managed at last, gripping her stomach as a new wave of belly laughs threatened. She swiped away new tears as she stared up at his large form looming over her. He looked wonderful—in a very drenched sort of way.
Dark hair, disheveled and shining.
Soaked white T-shirt straining against his chest.
She suddenly realized she was drenched too.

“You don’t know!” he bellowed.

“I... I never got around to checking it out.”

“Women!”
He shook his head,
then
raced outside, undoubtedly in search of the water meter, while she scrambled to her feet. Meanwhile, she rummaged wildly through the drawers
she’d
stocked with kitchen towels, grabbing up several at a time.

She was on her hands and knees, mopping up puddles and still chuckling to herself when he returned, the emergency now under control.

“I don’t see what’s so damn funny,” he muttered.

“I’m sorry about the cat, Austin. I was just about to remove her, but... but...” She burst into another round of laughter,
then
got to her feet again, this time a bit shakily. “What happened anyway?”

“I loosened the wrong connection. I unfastened the shut-off valve instead of the broken pipe.”

“That’s why Kyle always used to use two wrenches,” she said.
“One to loosen the pipe, the second to keep the shut-off valve from slipping.”

His expression hardened. “I’m not Kyle. Stop comparing me to him!”

“Oh!” Joanna felt the blood rush to her head. The room started to spin. “I... I didn’t mean it that way—”

“Face it.” He cut her off with a wave of his hand. “How can you help
not
making comparisons?”

She bit her lip. He was right.
She’d
fallen into her own trap.
First
she’d told Austin how much he resembled Kyle, then she’d implied he wasn’t measuring up to him. Perhaps she
should’ve
encouraged Austin to leave when he’d first suggested it.

“I can see there’s something we’ve got to get straight,” he went on tersely. He took one step closer, towering over her. “No matter what happens from here on in, I refuse to live in Kyle’s shadow.”

Squaring her shoulders, she summoned her composure. “You seem to be overlooking one obvious difference. Kyle and I were man and wife... soul mates.
We’d
pledged to spend our lives together.
You’re
my brother-in-law.
You’re
only here to help.
Just for a while.”

“Yes... just for a while,” he echoed. He looked away. His voice dropped. “Kyle was good. No, he was
more
than good.
The best.
No matter how hard I might try, I could never fill his shoes.”

“But that’s not true. You were the one who stuck by your parents’ wishes. You told me yourself Kyle was a rebel.”

He met her gaze again. “Yes, but he was also a hero.
A hero who perished saving two little kids’ lives.
A hero who should’ve never died in the first place.”
He inhaled a ragged breath, stifling a sob. His eyes, dark and haunted, mirrored his pain.

Instinctively, she closed the distance between them and flung her arms around his broad chest. “Oh, Austin...”

“Jo, Jo, what’s the use?” he murmured against her ear, pulling her closer. “What’s the use trying to figure it all
out.
”

“Shh!” she whispered, stroking the side of his head. “Don’t try.”

He heaved a sigh.
He’d
been trying to remain strong for Joanna’s sake. Strong in hopes of helping her
get
through her grief. But here he was nearly losing it too....

As if in mutual consent, they drew apart.

His gaze riveted on hers, compelling, silent. Feather-soft, he traced one finger down the side of her face and followed the delicate contours of her lips. Then he embraced her again, this time with unexpected urgency. In the space of a heartbeat, his mouth covered hers.

Delicious sensations assaulted her as she submitted to his kiss. She felt as if she were spiraling down into an endless black hole, faster, faster, into depths unknown. Instantly a familiar warning sprung to her mind. With a faint gasp, she broke the contact.

“What’s the matter?”

His words hung in the balance.

“I... we... this isn’t right.” She wrenched her gaze from his. She felt him regarding her for a long moment.

“Look at me,” he said. “Please.”

Hesitantly she lifted her gaze to his. His face was unreadable.

“I’m sorry.
So sorry.”
Without a further word, he turned on his heel and strode out the front door.

***

Austin swerved the Jeep onto the highway, gripping the steering wheel till his hands ached. Overhead, gray clouds loomed. Rain hammered against the roof.

“What’s come over me?” he muttered. He downshifted and peered at the glistening wet highway. He was playing with fire, he knew it. But being with Jo was almost more than he could bear.

Damn! If only she
hadn’t
looked so irresistible, damp fluffs of baby-fine blond hair framing her gorgeous face, her blue eyes shining like sapphires. What red-blooded guy wouldn’t have given in and kissed her—especially when
he’d
felt so vulnerable and empty.

Yep, there was no denying it.
He’d
needed to hold her close, kiss her long and hard, feel the comfort only she could give. But it was scary, nearly driving him insane. Joanna was different than all the rest, and no matter how he tried to talk himself out of it, the truth was becoming plainly clear.

He slowed as he approached a hairpin turn,
then
remembered the wedding rings. How long had she been without them?
Somehow
he hadn’t even noticed till today.

The rain slashed against the windshield as his thoughts raced on.
He’d
better keep himself in line. He was certainly no saint, and the last thing she needed was
him
complicating her life. Why did life have to be so complicated for both of them?
Why couldn’t she be anyone else than his deceased brother’s wife?”

The white center line sped past like a never-ending kite string. The gray ribbon of highway stretched
on and on
. He
wasn’t
sure where he was going. All he knew was he needed to keep driving. Maybe he should tell her the rest of his story. Maybe he should explain about his promise.

But on second thought, no, he decided. It
wasn’t
necessary. She
didn’t
need the details just yet. Besides, if she did know the truth, the
entire
truth,
she’d
tell him it was ridiculous and send him away. And that would make his guilt a hundred times greater. God only knew
,
it was tough enough dealing with it right now.

As he rounded the next curve in the highway, a new thought sprang to his mind. There was one way out, and only one way.
He’d
finish the repairs as fast as he could Then he’d hit the road again—due north, clean out of the country.

And if he was smart,
he’d
never look back.

***

Next evening, Joanna sauntered along the beach, cooling down after her daily run. That morning, for the first time since
she’d
moved to Southport, she’d overslept and missed it.

What on earth was happening to her?
she
wondered. Her usual discipline was dissolving like sugar in a cup of hot tea. If only she could get a decent night’s sleep, perhaps she could get a better hold on herself.

Her moist T-shirt clung to her chest as she stepped over a gnarled piece of driftwood, then approached a larger log, where she finally sat down to think. From farther away, a curl of smoke from a beach fire rose lazily into the sky.

The earthy scent reached her, but it failed to evoke her usual enthusiasm. She picked up a pearly agate, turning it over methodically, feeling its smooth surfaces between her fingertips.
   
What am I going to do?
She had to admit she was falling hopelessly for Austin. He affected even the most routine aspects of her daily life. Sleep came with new difficulty, fraught with indecision, contrasting the depression-induced insomnia
she’d
experienced after Kyle died.

She was also consuming far too much caffeine.
Picking at her food.
Easily distracted on her job—a job she loved dearly. And every time Austin walked through her front door, her pulse raced.

She chewed on her lower lip. Which part of her would win out—her heart or her head?

No, it was definitely wrong to allow him to stay, but she
couldn’t
bear for him to go. Not yet.
She’d
put it off for a while—at least till the roof was done. Then
she’d
somehow convince herself she could manage without him.

She stared out across the wave-tipped ocean and suppressed a shiver. It
wasn’t
cold, really. In fact, until about an hour ago when the first clouds had swept in, it had been a warm, early October day, a spectacular play of gold and greens against a backdrop of blue. But at the aquarium while
she’d
been giving a slide show about marine ecosystems, she’d felt a chill and her head had throbbed unmercifully. Yes, she simply had to get a decent night’s sleep, she reaffirmed, and as soon as she did,
she’d
be as good as new.

Shielding her eyes with her hand, she watched the sun sink behind the thickening bank of dark clouds that hugged the westernmost horizon. A gentle rain had begun to fall, a rain so fine one might disregard it completely.