Freefall to Desire (5 page)

Once the search had been called off and she’d returned home, Brianne had gone into a depression. She had stayed in bed, not eating, not drinking. But her family had been there for her, bringing her plates of food and hot tea. Bri
anne refused it all until she could no longer starve herself. Then she’d fed her turbulent emotions with food. Within six months, she’d put on the thirty pounds she had spent the year and a half with Carter working off.

She knew how she got when it came to her emotions—unable to truly control them and helpless to assuage herself. It was the reason that going to Florida was such a daunting idea for her. If her hopes were once again deflated…

“Sleep on it,” Brianne said softly to herself. “And pray on it. When you wake up, you’ll know what to do.”

She settled in her bed with the rough draft of the novel her sister had just finished. Brianne always read Shayna’s books to give her input before she submitted them to her editor. But despite her sister’s compelling writing, Brianne simply couldn’t lose herself in the fictional historical world.

I think you were right all along. I think Carter’s alive.

Instead of concentrating on the words her sister had written, Brianne kept hearing Alex’s words. Kept seeing the serious look on his face. And something suddenly struck her about the visit, something that she hadn’t picked up on before.

Alex had relayed the news about Carter likely being alive, but he hadn’t seemed happy. He hadn’t seemed excited about the idea of reconnecting with his best friend.

The realization made her feel better. Because she herself wasn’t jumping up and down for joy—something she’d always expected she would do if she’d ever learned that Carter was alive.

Maybe it was all just too surreal to truly accept, given that three years had passed. And they really didn’t know for sure. What point was there in getting all excited, only to learn that this was all a mistake?

Of course both she and Alex were guarded. It only
made sense that they keep an emotional guard up until they learned the truth.

“Lord, help me deal with this,” Brianne whispered. “If Carter’s alive, help me truly deal with all of what’s to come.”

You could want something so badly, yet when it happened you were unprepared for it.

Brianne lowered the manuscript pages. That was also it, she realized. Not just the uncertainty of not knowing if Alex was right about having seen Carter, but the reality that she was unprepared for the unexpected news Alex had delivered—no matter how much she had wished for it. In the early months or even after the first year, had Alex told her that he suspected Carter was alive, she would have been elated. Now, with the amount of time that had passed, there was so much to consider in the event that Carter had somehow escaped death. Because she was not foolish enough to believe that she was just going to pick up the pieces with him and everything would easily go back to the way it was.

She looked at her bedside phone, then at the card Alex had given her that rested on the table beside the phone. She wanted to call Alex now, to confide in him her fears. To talk candidly about the ambiguity she was feeling. She sensed that Alex would tell her that he had his own reservations about how all of this would play out.

Of course, it was different for him. He had been Carter’s friend. That was different than being a lover. He could easily pick up and continue as Carter’s friend in a way she wasn’t sure she would be able to easily continue on as the special woman in his life.

She picked up the card, stared at the phone number. And then she lifted the receiver.

But just as quickly she returned the receiver to its cradle.
What was she going to say to him? Ask him all the same questions she had asked him earlier?

There was a part of her that simply wanted to hear his voice, to know that today hadn’t been a dream. But it was after nine. She didn’t want to disturb Alex.

After all, what if he weren’t alone?

An odd twinge came with the thought. In all the time she’d known him, she hadn’t known him to have a serious girlfriend. Carter had said that Alex was the consummate playboy. Gorgeous. Rich. He could have his pick of women, and, from what Carter had said, tended to like models.

Brianne was the exact opposite of his type. She was five-foot-five and voluptuous, with curves she had to work to keep in a nice proportion. Not tall and thin.

Not that it mattered. Why was she even thinking about that?

What mattered now was not getting Alex’s hopes up until she made a decision. When she called him, it would be to tell him whether or not she had decided to accompany him to Florida.

If you think going to Florida will help, then go. But if it’s going to be more painful than anything, then I think you shouldn’t do it.

Remembering Shayna’s words gave Brianne a sense of comfort. Her sister was right. She didn’t have to do anything she didn’t want to do—especially if it was painful.

And Brianne didn’t know if she could handle seeing Carter if he didn’t remember her.

Worse, she didn’t know if she could handle seeing him if he were involved with someone else.

The next morning, Brianne’s ambiguity over what to do made her angry with herself. She had been sitting at her
desk, re searching possible causes for temporary amnesia via the internet, and now pushed her chair back and stood. Why was she afraid to deal with a challenging situation? She had been ready to walk down the aisle with Carter, and in her vows she would have promised to be there for her husband in good times and bad. Sure, they hadn’t actually gotten married—because fate had intervened. What would she have done if she’d been married to Carter and
then
he’d disappeared? Bailed on him when he needed help?

Brianne made her way downstairs. She needed coffee.
If Carter is alive, how can I not go to him?
she asked herself as she descended the steps.
No matter how hard it might be, how can I not help him get back to his former self?

Brianne set the Irish cream-flavored coffee to brew, then went back to her bedroom. There she reached for a stuffed teddy bear on her dresser, one she’d had from childhood. She held the bear close to her chest, drawing comfort from her childhood toy. Carter had always teased her for still having a teddy bear she turned to for comfort, but old habits die hard.

Her heart rate accelerated. Was it possible that Carter truly was alive?

The thought was overwhelming. And she needed to talk to someone about it. There was one only one person who understood what she was going through because he himself had experienced it—and that was Alex.

Brianne moved to her night table and lifted the card he’d given her. Then she plopped down on her bed and lifted the receiver.

She dialed the cell number, which rang four times before going to voice mail. Only then did she consider that at only ten minutes after eight, Alex might still be in bed.

Brianne hung up, not wanting to leave a message.

She was surprised when, not more than ten minutes later, the phone rang in the kitchen—and the caller ID showed Alex’s number.

Chapter 4

“H
ello?” Brianne said.

“You called me?” came the deep reply.

She’d already known it was Alex calling her, and yet her stomach fluttered at the sound of his voice. Obviously she was anxious over everything.

“Yeah,” she said softly. “I’m sorry. I hope I didn’t wake you.”

“I’ve been up since six-thirty. I went to the gym, then came home and was in the shower when you called.”

Wow. Talk about dedication. Not that she was surprised. His body was still amazing.

“Oh. Well, that’s good then.”

“Have you made a decision?” Alex asked.

“I don’t know,” she admitted. “I wanted to talk more than anything else.”

“What’s on your mind?”

She hesitated. “Do you feel…”

“Feel what?”

Brianne suddenly wasn’t sure how to pose the question.

“Brianne?” Alex prompted.

“Ambiguous,” she said, forcing the word from her throat. “A little uncertain about everything?”

“Of course I do,” Alex said. “Brianne, I know this isn’t going to be easy.”

“It’s just…I want to be there for Carter. If I were the one lost out there somewhere, I’d want him to try to find me. And yet…”

On the other end of the line, Alex’s breath caught in his chest. “Yet your feelings aren’t the same?” he suggested.

A few seconds passed—seconds in which Alex didn’t breath. Then Brianne said the words that burst his bubble of hope.

“No, it’s not that my feelings have changed. It’s that I’m scared.”

Alex was angry with himself. Angry that even for a smidgen of a second he had entertained the idea that Brianne was over Carter. A full year after Carter’s disappearance, Brianne had been hanging on to the hope that he would return. Three years later, she was still single. Obviously she was still in love with him—even if he was unworthy of that love.

“I know you’re scared,” Alex said. “I am, too. I mean, we don’t know what we’re dealing with.”

“Exactly,” Brianne said softly. “Maybe the unknown is better.”

“Really?” Alex asked.

“No. Not really.” Brianne blew out a huff of air. “Those are my nerves talking.”

“You want to get together for breakfast or something?”
Alex suggested. “I’ve got to be at the store at ten, but we can meet quickly if you want.”

“No, I didn’t want to disturb you.”

“You’re not disturbing me.”

“It’s just…I think I need a bit more time to decide what I’m going to do.”

“And you don’t want me pressuring you until you’ve made your decision.”

“No, no. It’s not that.” Alex heard a sigh. “You must think me crazy.”

“Brianne, I’m the one who showed up at your door after us not talking for two years, and then I dropped a bombshell. Needing time to think things over is not crazy.”

“Thank you,” she said. And then, “I’m going to get something to eat myself. I’ll talk to you later, okay?”

“Sure.” Alex spoke calmly. But as he replaced the receiver, anxiety gripped his gut.

He needed Brianne to go with him to Florida.

It was the only way.

Brianne hadn’t planned on it, but she left her house two hours before she was scheduled to go to work and drove to Outdoor Gear, located in downtown Buffalo on Broadway. The store was close to the 33 Expressway, which would lead her right to the mall.

She had made her decision. If the amount of time she’d spent thinking about Carter since last night was any indication, she wouldn’t be at peace until she knew one way or another.

Still, as Brianne approached the store, she had a sense of unease. But she knew the unease wouldn’t dissipate by ignoring the situation.

Brianne slowed and signaled her intent to turn left. She
looked out her driver’s-side window at the storefront for Outdoor Gear. In three years, she had not come to the sporting goods store that Carter and Alex had bought and run together. She hadn’t been able to, knowing that Carter would likely never make another appearance here.

So much had changed in twenty-four hours.

Just as it had changed in an instant three years earlier.

She turned left into the small parking lot, her pulse picking up speed as she parked her car beside Alex’s Mercedes. In a flash, she remembered Carter’s sleek, 7-series navy blue BMW that used to always be parked back here. Carter and Alex had enjoyed some good-humored bantering over which luxury car was truly the top of the line. Alex believed, hands down, that Mercedes made a better car. Carter argued that Mercedes were for old people and that BMWs were the perfect car for a hip, young male.

Brianne actually smiled as she remembered their ribbing and how they’d often gotten her involved to solve the dispute. Brianne had always sided with her man—though she’d secretly preferred the look of the Mercedes.

The happy memory came and went quickly as she exited her Ford Focus and walked to the store’s entrance. She felt oddly nervous. But why should she feel nervous? So what if she hadn’t been here in years?

It was like leaving a school and going back to visit. It always felt a little weird. Like you didn’t quite belong.

Brianne pulled open the front door, and the door chimes sang. There were a few customers in the store, and Alex was currently speaking with a man near the hockey equipment.

He saw her, and for the briefest of moments their eyes held. Then Brianne jerked her gaze away.

She was suddenly remembering the first time she’d entered this store four and a half years ago. It had been her
goal at the time to get into better shape, to begin an exercise routine that consisted of walking and biking.

Alex had been the first one to catch her eye. And he’d smiled, bright and warm. But then Carter had appeared from somewhere off to her right, approaching her before Alex could.

And the rest was history.

Brianne glanced in Alex’s direction again. As though he sensed her gaze, he looked at her.

Brianne’s stomach fluttered, surprising her.

Obviously she had
not
just felt a zap of attraction for Alex.

It was remembering the first time she’d been in this store and had met Carter. The memory of that day was playing havoc with her emotions.

She perused the store as if she were shopping for something, and when Alex was finally free, he came toward her.

“Hey, Brianne.”

“I’ll do it,” she began without preamble. “I’ll work with you to help find Carter.”

Alex hesitated a moment, then said, “If you need more time to make your decision—”

“I don’t need more time,” Brianne interjected. “It was the only decision I could make. Because if Carter’s alive, he’s obviously suffered some trauma.” She paused. “We were engaged. I was months away from marrying him. About to take vows to love him and be there for him forever. So I…I have to be there for him now.”

“I’m glad,” Alex said.

Brianne noticed—not for the first time—just how attractive he was. At six foot four, she had always loved his height. She wondered if he were still single—if Carter’s
disappearance had him stuck in the past, unable to move forward as she had been.