Freeing (4 page)

“Are you serious? Why the hell not?” she barks as she sits down next to me while I lie on Candace’s bed.

Propping my hands behind my head, I tell her, “I’m supposed to be meeting a friend later.”

“What friend?” Candace asks as she walks out of her bathroom. She makes her way over to her dance bag and takes out her ballet shoes to start powdering them.

“So, I’ve been watching you do this routine with those damn shoes for years and have never had a clue why you douse those things in powder.”

She looks up at me and says, “Because your feet sweat when you dance and the powder absorbs it. It also keeps the shoes from smelling like crap.”

“Ahhh.”

“Don’t change the subject on me. Who are you seeing tonight?”

“Mark.”

“You’re going out with him again?” Candace asks in surprise and then Kimber pipes up and adds, “That guy from the other night?”

Looking between the both of them, I answer, “Yes, and yes.”

“You’re such a slut!”

I just laugh at Kimber.

“I didn’t know you were seeing him,” Candace says as she stands up and starts walking into her closet.

“I’m not
seeing
him. We’re just hanging out, that’s all.” But I know that’s really not all. It’s not like we’re dating or anything—we are in fact just hanging out—but a part of me really does want more.

Kimber jabs me in my ribs. “Fine, ditch me for ass.”

Laughing at her, I tease, “Has anyone ever told you how delicate your mouth is?”

Hopping off the bed, she kisses the air while flipping me off. When she walks out of the room, I continue to laugh at her crudeness as I hear her call from down the hall, “Text me later, bitch.”

Walking out of the closet, Candace strips out of her sweaty dance clothes and throws on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. She turns to me and lies down beside me.

I wrap my arms around her when she softly questions, “Do you like him?”

“We’re just grabbing coffee, that’s all.”

A few moments later, I feel my phone vibrate in my back pocket. Candace giggles and she reaches under me to retrieve it. When she hands it to me, I swipe the screen to see the missed text from Mark.

“I gotta run. He’s leaving campus now.”

“Okay. You wanna spend the night here tonight?”

“Yeah, I’ll text you when I’m on my way,” I say as I get off the bed. I lean back down and kiss her cheek before I leave.

Walking into Café Allegro, I see Mark standing at the counter chatting with one of the staff. I step up next to him and he says, “Oh, hey. Jase, this is Nathaniel.”

I nod my head, and Nathaniel reaches over the counter to shake my hand. He’s an older guy with a bit of a gnarly look about him. “Nice to meet you,” I say.

“Any friend of Mark’s is a friend of mine.”

Mark laughs and tells me, “He owns this place.”

“Thirty-seven years,” he proudly says.

We visit for a couple of minutes, and then Nathaniel makes our drinks before we find an empty table to sit down at.

“Did you get your schedule fixed?” I ask him.

“Yeah, I really wanted to get into Gibson’s studio, but when I first went to register, it was full. But I hopped online the other day and saw that someone had dropped and there was a seat open.”

“Gibson’s Tuesday/Thursday studio?” I ask.

Taking a sip of his coffee, he sets the mug down and says, “Yeah.”

“That’s my studio.”

“Really? That’s cool. Yeah, originally I was signed up for Professor Walter’s.”

“Oh, man, he’s so traditional. I had him sophomore year, and he criticized everything I did. He was a dick about it too.”

“Well, since we have our capstone this year, I really wanted Gibson ‘cause our design styles are similar.”

We wind up hanging out for over an hour, drinking coffee and talking about school. Afterwards, he invites me to come back to his house, so we head out and I follow him in my car as we drive to his place.

Mark rents a nice two-story house that’s not too far from campus. When we walk in, there is a guy standing in the kitchen.

“Hey, Kyle. You heading out?” Mark asks.

“Yeah, some guys I know are throwing a party,” he says and looks at me. “I’m Kyle, Mark’s roommate.”

Before I can say anything, Mark says, “Oh, sorry, this is Jase.”

“Good to meet you. I gotta run though.”

“Yeah, nice to meet you too,” I respond as he takes his keys and heads out the door.

Turning to me, Mark nods his head for me to follow him. We walk through his house and when we turn into his room, I don’t even wait to grab his arm and pull him into me, crashing my mouth against his.

Mark slides his hand behind my neck and holds me close as he starts to step us back toward his bed. He breaks the kiss when he lies down, and I crawl on top of him. Lowering my head, I take my time when I kiss him again. He rakes his fingers through the hair on the back of my head. Pushing my tongue past his lips, I slide it against his, tasting him, before pulling back and gently biting his bottom lip.

His touch is hot when he runs his hand up under my shirt, and my abs tighten at the excitement of being with him in this way. I lower my mouth to his neck and drag my lips up, kissing him behind his ear. When his hand grazes over my chest, I sit back on my knees and reach over my head, tugging my shirt off. Mark sits up, removing his shirt as well.

He looks so goddamn hot, staring up at me. His chest is defined, and his abs are sculpted with deep cuts. I begin to swell up and grow hard as I watch him beneath me. Wrapping his arms around me, he brings me back down, and I try to relieve a little of my ache as I grind my hips into him. I can feel that he is just as hard as I am, which does nothing but turn me on even more. Our breathing is labored, and I want him so bad right now. Sliding my hand down his stomach, feeling each groove of his muscles, I don’t stop when I hit his pants. Resting my forehead against his, I slip my hand under his waistband and grip him tightly in my hand.

Mark lets out a low growl at my touch, and I push myself into him again, needing more relief. Before I can move my hand, he grips my wrist and says, “Wait.”

I pull my head back and take my hand off of him. “What’s wrong,” I pant.

He scoots back, and I roll onto my side when he says, “Look, I really like you, but I’ve heard a little about your reputation from a couple guys at school. You need to know that I’m not like that. I don’t do the whole casual thing. I just want to make sure we’re on the same page here.”

I look into his eyes, not quite sure of what to say. I have only ever been casual with guys. Hell, even before I was with guys, I was only a fleeting moment with girls as well. I’ve never really looked beyond that. I go ahead and admit, “I like you . . . a lot,” but I’m not sure I’m on the same page as him. It’s unexplored territory for me, and something about being in an actual relationship with another man freaks me out a bit.

My mind starts to spin, and now I’m questioning if this is really me. Am I ready to do this? Am I ready to be defined in this way? I haven’t even come out to my parents. Anxiety and fear begin to rush through me, and I suddenly need space.

“Maybe we should take a breather tonight before we take things too fast,” I tell him.

Nodding his head, he says, “Yeah, I agree.”

I reach around his neck and draw him in for a slow kiss. I can’t deny how good he feels and how good I feel when I’m with him. I want him, but I’m scared shitless at the same time.

When Mark breaks the kiss, he asks, “Can I see you Saturday?”

“Yeah.” Apart from being so unsure about our relationship, one thing I am sure of is that I have to see him again.

Stripping down to my boxers, I slide into bed with Candace. Lying behind her, I tuck her tightly against me. I’m conflicted in my thoughts about Mark, but I don’t reveal these worries to her. I simply absorb the comfort she gives me just by being with her.

“So what did you guys do?” she whispers into the darkness.

“We grabbed coffee. That’s all.” I want to tell her. I want her to know my fears, but for some reason, I can’t get enough courage to go there yet.

“You gonna see him again?”

“Probably not,” I lie, and I have no idea why. Why am I doing this? It’s Candace. She would never judge me; I know this. Why am I acting like such a pussy about this?

Snapping me out of my self-destructive thoughts, she says, “We’re hopeless, huh?”

I hear her giggle under her breath when I kiss the top of her head and agree. “Totally hopeless.”

Lacing her fingers with mine over the top of my hand, she sighs as she softens into me. I lie there in her bed, listening to her breathing slowly leveling out as she drifts off to sleep. Emotions begin to well up inside of me as I try and sort through my thoughts.

I like Mark, there is no doubt about that, but the anxiety I’ve had since we started spending more time together is stirring up this shame I thought I had let go of. I’ve been fine just playing the field and having fun, not bothering to question myself or what this all really means. This is almost too much for me to deal with. I thought that maybe I was ready for this; I thought I knew who I was, but it turns out, I’m still confused as shit.

Tossing my gym bag into the back of my SUV, I text Mark when I hop in and shut the door.

On my way.

After the other night, Mark had called and wanted to hit the gym with me. I probably shouldn’t have agreed; I know he wants something more than what I think I’m able to give him—what I know I’m not able to give him. But I can’t help the feelings that overwhelm me every time I talk to him, or hell, even think about him. So when he called and suggested getting together, I couldn’t say no.

Hey, I’m running late. Meet me at my house and we can ride together. Kyle is home.

Okay. See you in a bit.

When I arrive at Mark’s house, Kyle answers the door and lets me in.

“Hey, man. Mark just called and said he was on his way.”

“Oh, okay,” I say as I follow him into the living room. “What are you up to today?”

“Nothing really. Just hanging out, watching TV,” he says as he picks up his beer from the coffee table and sits back on the couch.

I sit down next to him as he starts flipping through the channels and asks, “What are you guys going to go do?”

“Gonna hit the gym for a couple hours.”

Taking a swig of his beer, he stays focused on the TV when he asks, “So you guys dating?”

“No,” I answer way too quickly. God, why can’t I face this? Why can’t I just be comfortable enough to say yes?

Tipping his head to look at me, he smirks and repeats, “No?”

I know that look. I give that look. A lot. When his eyes shift to my mouth, I suddenly feel like I’m back in my all-too-familiar territory, so I maintain, “No,” with a slight shake of my head.

Meeting my eyes again, I know what he’s thinking. Knowing Mark is on his way home, and as much as I like him, these feelings I’m starting to have for him bring up all the shit I don’t like to think about. Being numb and emotionless with guys is just easier, so I take this bait as an easy out from my conflicting situation with Mark. When Kyle leans in, I take the rope he is offering and hang myself.