Freeing (7 page)

“You need to get your things and go. Until you can sort yourself out, you’re not welcome in this house. You hear me?”

“I’m your son!”

“No. You’re not. Not anymore,” he asserts sternly.

I don’t say another word. There is nothing for me to say. Why would I want to beg these people to accept me? Why should I have to? I turn around and walk back upstairs to my room to pack my bags and call a cab. Pain rips through my chest, knowing that I’ve just lost the only family I have. It’s another burden I’ll have to carry with this life that chose me. I’ve always blamed the lack of love they have for me on the agony of losing their daughter. But now I know, that regardless of whether Jace was dead or alive, they still wouldn’t accept me for who I really am.

I walk down the hall to her room and open the door. I go into her closet and take her La Jolla High cheerleading shirt she always used to wear. Closing the door, I walk over to her dresser, open the top drawer, and grab the photo album.

Taking both of these items, I walk back to my room and pack them into my bag. I just can’t walk away from here without taking pieces of her with me. I zip my bag and let my fears, my worries, my sadness rip out of me. I sit on the floor, against my bed, and the tears fall. I’m so fuckin’ lost right now. I don’t know what to do or where I belong. I feel like everything is crashing down on top of me, and the pain in my chest is almost unbearable.

With my head in my hands, I cry. Being in this house is agonizing. What once held good memories, now only holds burning ones. Knowing my cab will be here any minute, I take my bags and head downstairs. My parents are still in the living room, and they don’t even look up when I walk through and make my way to the front door. It’s as if I don’t even exist.

I’m thoroughly drained when I finally get off the plane and get to my car. As weak as it sounds, I just want to go back to the only home I know. I just want to crawl into bed with her and tell her all this shit and let it out, knowing that she loves me regardless of anything I could possibly say.

I shove my luggage into the back and slide into the driver’s seat. When I turn my phone on, I see I have a missed text from Candace.

Heading out for a few hours. Come by later. Dying to see you.

Knowing that she thought about me enough to even send this text is all I need. I breathe in a sigh of relief and head straight to her house when I see that the text was sent a couple hours ago. Even if she isn’t home yet, hopefully Kimber will be. I just need my friends right now.

I stop by the liquor store first and pick up some wine before driving to their place. When I pull up, Kimber’s car and Candace’s little white Acura are in the driveway. I’ve always had a key to their house, so I don’t even bother ringing the doorbell. I just unlock the door and walk right in.

“Hey, girls,” I call out, and before I can make it to the kitchen to set the wine down, Candace runs into the living room and gives me a big hug. God, this feels good. It’s only been a few days, but I’ve missed her like hell. She looks up at me, and with a huge smile on her face, she gives me a kiss and takes the wine. Kimber steps in and wraps her arms around me as I watch Candace walk into the kitchen.

Kimber starts chatting about some band she saw last night as I make myself comfortable on the couch. Candace walks back into the room and sits on the floor, opening the wine and pouring herself a glass.

Looking up at me, she hands me the bottle and asks, “So how was your trip to San Diego?”

Pouring my wine, I say, “It was good. I hung out with friends, went out to a few bars, and saw some bands. You know, the usual visit home.” I don’t tell her what really happened because I want to talk to her about it in private, away from Kimber. Not that I won’t tell her, but I just want to talk with Candace first.

“Well, we’re glad you’re back,” Candace says with a smile and then takes a sip of her wine.

“You have no idea how happy I am to be back,” I say in all seriousness.

“Man, was it that bad, Jase?” Kimber asks.

“It’s just not home to me anymore. Plus, I missed you bitches.” I laugh in an attempt to shift my mood from its current somber one. “So, what have I missed?” I ask and then down my wine faster than I should, but I’m desperate to take the edge off.

“Well, Candace is dating a douche from Mommy and Daddy’s country club,” Kimber says as she winks at Candace.

“I am not!” she practically squeals, and I really do wonder what the hell I’ve missed in the past few days. Candace looks at me and explains, “We went out for drinks. That’s all.”

“Are you seeing him again?” Kimber questions, teasing Candace, and I can tell she’s getting under her skin.

“You’re seeing him again?” I ask in utter shock. Who is she giving a second date to? “Wait, who’s
him
? Who are you seeing?”

“No. I mean, yes. God, really, it’s no big deal.”

“Must be if he’s getting a second date,” I say as I take another drink. “Is that where you were earlier? On your date?”

“Uh huh,” she nods.

“Where did you guys go? You never told me,” Kimber asks as she folds her legs underneath her.

“We went to Prescriptions.”

“I love that place,” Kimber says. “Anyway. New subject. What the hell are we doing this week before classes start back up?”

“I have some serious studio time I need to put in. I also have to work.”

“You always keep yourself so busy,” I say. I wish that she wouldn’t. I feel like Candace hides too much behind her school and work.

We kick back for a while, and I enjoy this much-needed distraction from what happened earlier today. We talk about school and what our schedules are going to be like this next quarter. I can tell that Candace is tired, so when Kimber and I decide to turn on the TV, I tell Candace, “Come here, sweetie,” as I motion for her to sit next to me.

Kimber turns on some trash show and Candace lies down with her head on my lap. I comb her hair with my fingers as I sit back and only half pay attention to the TV. After a while, I look down, and Candace is passed out.

“Is she asleep?” Kimber whispers in my direction, and I nod my head yes.

I let her sleep for a little bit longer before I decide to go lay her down.

“I’ll be right back. I’m gonna try and get her to her room without waking her,” I tell Kimber.

“Okay. I’ll go grab the other bottle of wine.”

I nod my head and scoop Candace up in my arms. This chick is tiny and barely weighs anything, so getting her into her bed is no problem. She’s already in her pajamas, so I lie her down and pull the covers over her before heading back out to the living room.

Kimber and I drink the second bottle of wine, and wind up hanging for a couple more hours. When she passes out on the couch, I head to Candace’s room and strip out of my clothes. Sliding into bed behind her, I wrap my arms around her and draw her in close to me. She presses into me, tucking herself tighter against my chest.

“Did I wake you?” I whisper.

“Yeah, but it’s okay,” she says softly. “What time is it?”

“Around two. You passed out, so I carried you in here and hung out with Kimber for a while longer.”

“Is she asleep?”

“Yeah, and snoring like a beast.” Candace laughs, and the sound makes me crack up as well.

She rolls over and lays her head on my chest, and I band my arms tightly around her. I feel like I’m clinging to the only person I have left to depend on.

“So, why did your trip really suck? I know something’s bothering you,” she questions, and I love that she can read me so well.

I let out a deep breath and say, “I told them.”

Her grip on me tightens. “What did they say?”

“They threw me out.” When I tell her, my chest begins to ache, and each breath I take almost feels like painful stabs.

I know she is crying when I feel her tears roll onto my chest. I hate that she’s hurting for me, but in a way, it comforts me to know she cares so much.

“I’m so sorry. Why didn’t you call me?”

“I don’t know. I was embarrassed, I guess. I haven’t told anyone what happened. I don’t want the pity.”

“You know I don’t pity you, right?”

“Yeah,” I whisper and kiss the top of her head, feeling a little more free now that I’ve told her. I know I have a lot more to tell her, but I won’t tonight. I don’t want to make her more upset, and honestly, I just don’t think I have it in me right now. I’m tired and have had way too much to drink.

“I’m sad because I love you. When your heart hurts, so does mine. Your pain is my pain.”

Each of her words lifts more and more weight off my chest. We lie there and I just hold her.

“You know this is your home, don’t you? Right here with me. Kimber and I are your home. And we don’t give a shit that you like guys.”

I kiss the top of her head again, and she grips me even tighter. I allow her words to comfort me, the words I wish my parents would’ve said. The heat of my tears roll down my temples, and I try to keep my emotions under control so she can’t see how upset I really am.

“Jase?” she finally whispers.

“Yeah, sweetie?”

“I love you.”

“I love you, too.” More than anything in this world.

I haven’t spent much time with Candace this past week. She’s been picking up a lot of extra shifts at work and spending more time in the dance studio before classes start back up next week. I’ve been dreading having to face Mark since we have a couple of classes together this quarter. I think about him a lot and feel terrible for what I did. I’ve thought about texting him, but have no clue what I could possibly say at this point.

Since I came back home, I haven’t spoken to my parents, so I can only assume they meant what they said. It hurts. It hurts to know that I might never see or speak to them again. I just don’t understand how you can turn your back so easily on your child. It makes me think that everything with them, all of the good, was nothing but a lie. Maybe that’s where I learned it from. Maybe pretending comes so easily to me because it’s all my parents ever did.

I don’t really know what I gained from telling them. It didn’t give me what I was hoping for. I’m not sure what it’ll take or what I have to do to be more at peace with myself. I’ve been trying to keep busy so my mind doesn’t wander too much. I’ve been spending a lot of time in the gym and running.

I was shocked when Candace said that she was coming out with Kimber and me tonight. She never goes out with us, but lately, she’s been coming out of her shell a little more. I think all the fighting with her parents has finally taken a toll on her and she’s looking for some sort of release. She even said that the guy she went out with the other day is coming along. I’m not sure if she even likes him, but I’m happy she’s giving it chance.

I decide to head out a little early, needing the distraction. When I arrive at Remedy, I spot some of my friends that are already here. We sit around and talk for a while before my eyes catch Mark as he’s walking in.
Shit!
It feels like a brick falls in the pit of my stomach. God, he looks good, and a part of me, a really big part, wants to go over and talk to him, but I’m sure I’m the last person he wants to see.

Right behind Mark, Kimber and Candace walk in, and Candace can’t get to me fast enough. I walk toward her and quickly grip her arm, rushing her over to the bar at the back of the club.

“You thirsty?” she asks with sarcasm.

Still freaking out, I say, “Not really. I just saw Mark.” When we get up to the bar, we hop onto a couple of barstools.

“Isn’t that the hottie you used to see that plays guitar?”

“Exactly.” I give her a serious look. I still haven’t told her what happened with Mark. I flag down the bartender and order us some shots and bottles of beer.

Eying me from the side, she says, “Okay, spill it. Clearly you’re into getting drunk, so tell me what happened.”

When the bartender sets the drinks down in front of us, I push two of the shots and a beer over to her, and we both knock the tequila back quickly before I confess, “He caught me kissing his roommate.”