Frek and the Elixir (24 page)

“Observe that this is too aggressive a vig!” exclaimed Cawmb. “Find fault with Hawb! Reprimand Hawb for bringing an attack-minded vig.” He turned his attention to the vig, shaking his fist at it. “Silence!” shouted Cawmb. “Serve meat!”

Although you could tell the vig heard and understood Cawmb, it ignored him, preferring to frantically vark at the dogs. Evidently smarting from Cawmb's criticism, Hawb kicked the vig. The vig let out a surprised, pained vheenk and meekly settled down, holding its round rear high in the air.

“Extol the taste of vig,” said Hawb, producing something like a very sharp knife. With surprisingly graceful gestures of his clumsy-looking arms, Hawb sliced eight steaks from the vig's orange rump. This seemed to cause the vig no pain at all. In fact, being carved seemed fully to calm the beast down. “Describe as very fine,” said Hawb, laying six of the bloody steaks along the edges of the table, and setting two of them aside.

Meanwhile Cawmb had walked over to the planter box to snap off some of the segmented shoots of rickrack plant, two shoots to go with each steak.

The Unipuskers were slightly surprised the dogs couldn't sit on their stools, but they didn't object when Frek put the dogs' vig steaks on the deck. The vig itself growled a bit at this, disliking to see its new enemies eating its flesh, but now that it had been carved, it no longer seemed to be in so combative a mood.

Frek and Gibby were hungry once again, and, after some preliminary sniffs and tastes, they went ahead and ate the red vig meat—tentatively at first, and then with gusto. It was sweet and stringy; it didn't taste as bloody as it looked. It was a bit like anymeat, but with more texture to it. And, yes, it had a faint taste of sulfur, reminiscent of the Unipuskers' smell, but oddly enough the taste grew on you. The rickrack stalks were crunchy, fresh, and succulent, a fine counterpoint to the vig meat. They smelled like violets. To complete the meal, Cawmb set out some pods of water and a few damp cloths.

“Steer conversation around to the missing Orpolese you traveled with,” said Hawb when they were done eating and were busy cleaning the vig blood from their faces with the cloths.

Gibby started to say something, but Frek interrupted.

“They got eaten by the bobblie right before you came,” asserted Frek, hoping against hope that the Unipuskers hadn't esped the fact that he'd already met the branecasters. “We were really scared.”

“Request amplification and clarification,” said Cawmb in a flat tone. “Speculate upon how deep into this deception you are willing to go.”

“We were falling down toward Jumm and all of a sudden a cloud reached out and grabbed Bumby and Ulla,” said Frek. “They screamed, and then they were gone. They weren't that close to us right then. They were mad at me for making us crash.” He nudged Wow with his foot, hoping to get the dog to create a diversion.

“Express sarcastic doubt that a bobblie would harm an Orpolese,” intoned Hawb. “Point out that the two species are allied by their opposition to Unipusk, and by their chaotic disposition. Dramatically exclaim that we know you're lying. Sorrowfully state that your deceit disappoints us.”

“Well, maybe the bobblie wasn't eating them,” said Frek weakly. “I couldn't tell for sure. It happened fast. Maybe it was welcoming them. Whatever happened, they were gone. And then you guys saved us.” Wow was on his feet, sniffing at Cawmb's tail.

“Demand an end to your futile attempts to deceive us,” yelled Cawmb. “Declaim that your lies insult us. Question whether it will in fact be possible to negotiate in good faith. Reveal that we are quite ruthless.”

Right then, good old Wow bit onto Cawmb's tail cover and gave it a sharp tug. One of the tail cover's straps snapped, and Wow, bracing his legs, began trying to worry the thing loose. “Scream with embarrassment,” screamed Cawmb, twirling around to hide his tail.

At the same time, Cawmb leaned forward and dealt Wow a slap that sent the dog halfway across the room. Woo joined the fray and yanked at Cawmb's tail cover from the other side. The thing came entirely loose. Shrieking and trying to turn every direction at once, Cawmb ended up giving Frek a good glimpse of his rear end.

“Finally I get to see one of your tails,” came a girl's voice from the door. “How gnarly. No wonder you cover them up!” She giggled.

Frek looked over and, yes, it was the girl he'd seen in the ring. In person she was even nicer looking than the ring-aura had led him to believe. She had a broad smile, two long, braided pigtails, bright intelligent eyes, and a casual way of standing there. She had a turkle drawing pad attached to her belt.

“Hi, Frek,” she said. “I got Hawb and Cawmb to bring me along, but I fell asleep right before we got here. I'm Renata, the one who's been pestering you from your ring. I hear you're twelve? I'm fourteen.” Her voice was sweet and low-pitched, with a slight roughness to it. A musical yet raspy sound.

“Hi,” said Frek. He stuck out his hand and stepped toward her, but in his eagerness, he overdid the step and went flying through the air. Gracefully she caught his shoulders and swung him around, damping his motion without falling over. For a second, Frek was practically in her arms, as if they were dancing. He had time to notice that Renata smelled good. Like sunshine. And then they were standing face to face. She was exactly the same height as him.

“Look at Cawmb's tail,” said Renata. “It's a stack of babies. I should draw it.”

Indeed, what had seemed to be a stubby cylindrical tail was in fact a pile of miniature Unipuskers. The ones closer to Cawmb's body were less developed, consisting of little more than soft clamshell heads, while the ones out near the tip were very nearly fully formed, with the very last one even moving his arms and legs. And now in fact the tipmost baby Unipusker broke free and dropped to the floor, no bigger than a gingerbread man. He looked around uncertainly, then toddled toward Gibby.

“Come here, Wow!” shouted Frek, lest the dog do something dreadful. “Woo! Come to me, too!” Sensing the possible danger, Gibby had already let the baby Unipusker hop onto his hand. The Grulloo smiled at the tiny being and held him to his grizzled cheek.

“Demand privacy,” roared Cawmb, trying both to hide his tail and to bend over to retrieve his new baby from Gibby. “Direct nosy human guests to ascend to the cockpit with Pilot Evawrt and remain there! Order Hawb to lock up those vicious dogs! Request Gibby to unhand my baby!”

Renata had freed her turkle from her belt and was quickly drawing on it with her index fingernail. Her nail was shaped into a point like the nib of a pen. Her deft strokes had not only captured the image of Cawmb's tail, but the angry, embarrassed expression of his shell-shaped head.

“Save it,” Renata told her turkle, and smiled up at Frek. “Maybe we should get out of here now. Cawmb is turning gollywog.” Her turkle took hold of her belt again. She stepped back out into the big hall with Frek following her. “Do you get how the Unipuskers talk?” said Renata. “Every sentence is in the imperative.” They started across the transparent deck. “Your dogs are cute. If I was a Unipusker, I'd say, ‘Remark upon the cuteness of your dogs.' It always sounds like they're planning to do stuff instead of just doing it. Or telling someone to do it instead of doing it themselves. Actually that kind of reminds me of my mother.” She paused, looking back toward the dining area, seemingly wanting to see more of Cawmb's uncovered tail.

“Are your mother and my Dad—” Before Frek could figure out how to finish the question, Hawb came bounding after them. The Unipusker scooped up one dog with each hand, flung them through yet another of the doorways off the entrance hall, and made a special gesture that sealed a dark panel across it. Frek could hear muffled barking.

“Take it easy!” cried Renata. “They're man's best friend!”

“Loudly echo Cawmb's belief the dogs are vicious,” shouted Hawb. “Inform Frek the beasts must be quarantined while his party visits Unipusk.”

“You mustn't hurt them,” said Frek, making an effort to sound calm and in control. “They'll need food and water. And I have to be able to visit with them. If I have my own room in Unipusk, let me keep them with me. I'll make sure they're good. I can reason with them, a little bit. They don't mean any harm. They're just dogs.” Meanwhile Renata was circling around to get one more peek into the dining area.

“Grant your request,” said Hawb after a pause. He lowered his voice so Renata couldn't hear him. “Equate your Unipusk-side living quarters with your dogs' quarantine area. Add that we will imprison the Gibby thing there as well. Warn that all of your lives are contingent upon your good behavior. Stipulate that good behavior will mean to register Hawb and Cawmb with the branecasters as the producers of the humanity channel for exclusive esping by the Unipuskers. Amplify that this will involve canceling your existing but not yet active agreement to let Bumby and Ulla be your producers. Reveal, if still necessary, that we've been esping you and that we know all of your thoughts. State that we are not fools to be trifled with. Suggest that—” Hawb broke off to look back at his tail cover, which was beginning to shake and jiggle.

At the same time a vigorous wail sounded from the dining area.

“Frek, look at this!” called Renata, who was back peering into the door, her pigtails hanging to one side, her finger scratching at her turkle's back again. Frek ran over to join her. Cawmb's new baby was crying, opening his little clamshell head all the way. His voice was amazingly loud.

“Give him to me,” Gibby was telling Cawmb. “He likes me better.”

Sure enough, when Cawmb handed the baby Unipusker back to Gibby, the newborn instantly ceased his uproar. He smiled blissfully up at the Grulloo's craggy face and made cooing noises.

“Grieve that my baby prefers the deformed thing to me!” wailed Cawmb.

“My name's Gibby, damn you!”

“Suggest Gibby be our baby-sitter,” said Hawb in a placating tone. “Point out that being nursed by an alien is a good formative experience for a future branecast producer. Confess that I too may be about to shed a baby, inspired by you, O Cawmb. Note that another of your babies seems about to come loose as well. Mention that we could use some help, dear.”

“This one's a cute little guy,” said Gibby. “Look—he's holding my finger.”

“Inquire if you have children of your own,” said Cawmb in a calmer tone, after taking a quick glance back at his tail.

“Sure,” said Gibby. “Two of them. The oldest is—”

“I think Renata and I'll go up to the cockpit to look around,” put in Frek. “Will you be okay down here, Gibby?”

The Grulloo shot Frek a knowing look. “Far be it from me to get between a boy and a girl.”

“Whatever that's supposed to mean,” said Frek, blushing a little. “Come on, Renata.” Another of Cawmb's babies showed signs of being about to work himself loose. And Hawb was reaching back to un-fasten his tail cover. Enough of all that.

Frek and Renata crossed the transparent deck together, moving in big hops. The receding surface of Jumm was like a magical rug. Frek felt as if he were walking on air.

Renata led him through a doorway to a vertical shaft that ran up past four decks of the saucer. The acceleration was low enough that it was easy to pull themselves up with the handholds on the shaft's side. The appointments on the decks they passed grew more and more sumptuous. The walls were covered with murals and filigrees, the furniture was plush and heavy. The light globes were shaped like Unipusker heads and the ends of the heavy chairs' arms were embossed with Unipusker heads as well. Images of Unipuskers were everywhere among the decorations, but none were present in the flesh.

“Is Pilot Evawrt the only other one on board?” Frek asked Renata as they paused at one of the unoccupied decks to catch their breath. The floor was covered with a rug resembling vig-skin but with brindle spots shaped like Unipuskers. The murals were patterned with vertical stripes of delicate green, overlaid by horizontal branches inset with images of windows into little rooms with Unipuskers in them. A city of giant rickrack plants. Four easy chairs were invitingly grouped around an octagonal gold table holding an object resembling a crystal ball. A glowing logo rotated at the ball's center.

Being a Nubbie, Frek found it odd to be in a room whose furnishings were a collection of disparate objects—rather than component parts of a single living thing like a house tree. Could the Unipuskers actually have made these furnishings by hand? It was hard to imagine an advanced civilization doing something so tedious.

“Hawb and Cawmb chartered this saucer from Pilot Evawrt just for themselves,” answered Renata in her low voice. “The Unipuskers are pretty extravagant. A big change for me, after five years of simple living in a Crufter asteroid. I barely remember Earth. Yessica moved us to Sick Hindu when I was seven. On Sick Hindu, a new blanket is a big deal. Especially since we weave them ourselves.” Renata bounced across the room and flopped down in one of the chairs. “There's no special rush to see Pilot Evawrt. He's just another bossy Unipusker. We've got about seven more hours till we get back. Tell me about Earth.”

Frek took the chair next to Renata. The back had a big hole near its base to accommodate a Unipusker tail. Other than that it was quite comfortable. He looked down at the chair's intricately patterned arms, which were sort of like wood, yet somehow artificial. The material was smoother than real, and warped into impossibly perfect curves. The chair was like a toon, like the
idea
of a chair.

“Where do the Unipuskers get all this stuff?” he asked Renata. “They don't—they don't use tools and machines, do they?”

“No, no,” said Renata, and laughed. She gestured at the room and at the saucer around them. “The Unipuskers' things are what they call kennies. It's a stage beyond biotechnology. Instead of using live matter, you use live kenner. Kenner is this odd kind of matter—the Unipuskers said we call it dark matter? Supposedly any piece of kenner is a little bit awake. Like a plant, maybe, or a pet. Funny that we humans never noticed that.”