Freudian Slip (13 page)

Julian was mindful that the Boss wouldn't want him revealing precisely who he was. The Boss didn't want any of this. Not the talking. Not the hand-holding. “I used to be a person. Like you. I wasn't terribly nice, though, Kate. I was a giant
out-of-control id. A narcissist. Everything was all about me. And then I ended up here and realized it's not about me at all. Not one bit. It's about…you.”

The sign lit up, announcing the train would be pulling in to the station.

“I don't have any info on the grand scheme of the universe, though, Kate. Nothing like that. I have a little universe I am in charge of fixing and tending. Like the Little Prince—ever read that when you were young? And his rose. You're my rose. And I suppose that makes me the prince. God, I'd thought I'd forgotten that book. This is what happens when you stop shooting up smack. You remember things.”

The train pulled in, and the doors opened automatically. Julian followed Kate on, and they found a seat near the back of the car with no one else around. Kate sat on the aisle, so that no one would be tempted to take Julian's seat.

“Can you be reborn?” she asked him.

“Hmm. Well…it's all rather complicated. And I guess I don't really know. I'll have to ask my Guide.

Kate settled in for the train ride as it pulled away and the trees of Long Island zipped past the window.

“Thanks, Jules.”

“For what?”

“Being there today. When you're with me, I somehow believe everything will be okay.”

“It will.”

“It will.” Her voice was serene.

“Sure it will. Just keep wearing that La Perla bra.”

He looked over at her, and she laughed openmouthed and loud.

He decided he liked seeing her laugh like that. And he would do whatever it took to make sure she didn't cry anymore.

“Jules?”

“Yes?”

“Can we make a stop?”

“Anything.”

He rode next to her, holding her hand. Two stops later, she stood.

“Where are we?” he asked her.

“You'll see.”

She exited the train car and he followed. Once they stood on the platform, she walked toward the depot and out front, where several cabs waited. She caught the eye of one cabbie and climbed into his car—a gray Toyota Camry.

“New Hope Cemetery, please,” she said.

The cabbie nodded, clicked the meter and pulled out of the station and onto a leafy and quiet suburban
Long Island road. Small store fronts dotted the street. Antique shops, a bagel shop, a druggist.

“I know you can't talk to me. The cabbie will think you're crazy. So we'll just hold hands. I think I know where you're taking me,” Julian said. “I know you so well. I know you as well as I know myself. Maybe even better.”

Sure enough, they pulled into the cemetery, and she directed the cabbie to the top of a picturesque hill. “Will you give us…I mean me…about fifteen minutes? On the meter.”

The cabbie nodded. “No problem, miss.”

Kate climbed out of the cab, and Julian followed her. She walked gingerly past grave after grave, until they came to a headstone with the name SEAN DARBY carved into the marble. The date of death was September 11, 2001.

Kate sat down on the grass, and pushed away some fallen leaves, pulling up a dandelion or two. “Hi, Daddy.”

Julian sat down beside her. He waited respectfully as she appeared to gather her thoughts. “The anniversary is coming up. And since you've been gone, I honestly feel like…life used to make sense and now it kind of doesn't. I don't understand how Mom can move on—I mean, I don't want her to be mourning and depressed, but…Martin isn't anything like you, Dad.”

Julian watched how the sunlight filtered through a nearby oak tree and danced on her face, dappled and alive.

“And now…well, here's the thing…David turned out to be a jerk. Leslie…worse. And I'm talking to a ghost. He's here. Next to me. And it makes me believe in heaven. Believe in something else. For sure. So where are you? Can you hear me?”

Julian looked around the graveyard. He was rather surprised. When he walked through Manhattan now, he saw them—demons, angels, Guides, and spirits. But here, in the graveyard, where he might expect to see hundreds of spirits, he saw none.

But he kind of got it now. The dead didn't go off somewhere in the clouds, playing harps. They didn't go to Hell in lakes of fire. They were involved. Like Balam, like Gus, like himself…They weren't in some cemetery. They were amongst the living, part of their lives, and yet not.

“Is he here, Jules?” Kate looked in his direction. A breeze fluttered through the leaves, and a few strands of her hair framed her face.

The old Julian would have said yes. He would have told her what she wanted to hear. Or, if it was his radio show, he would have said something cruel, something disparaging.

Instead, he told the truth. Or at least, the truth as he knew it.

“No,” he said softly.

“I didn't think so.” She looked down at the grass, and let her hand glide along the blades. “I never feel him, Jules. Not like I feel you.”

“It doesn't mean he's not here. It's just…he's not here.”

She looked around the graveyard. “Are any of them here?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“I'm not really sure. But…if I were going to take a guess, I would say that they miss you. They miss their loved ones. They don't want to be out here, with only other dead people to talk to. They want to be around life. They want to be near you.”

He thought about Zack's Grandma. “I've met an angel, you know.”

“You have?”

“Yes. And she spends her time…around someone she loves. Loved. When she was alive. The way I see it, Kate, is we have it all wrong.”

“How so?”

“Human beings look at life as having a beginning. We're born. Doctor smacks us on the ass, we
cry, we enter the world. We have a middle. Everything from that point until we're almost decrepit.

And we have an end.”

“And that's not right?”

“No. It's more like…we have an existence before we're even born. And then we live this life, almost like sleepwalking. We're only partially aware of anything going on. Only aware of our hand right in front of our face. And we think it ends when we stop breathing. But it doesn't. It's one long continuum, without an end. At least no end that I can see.”

She nodded. “So,” she whispered. “If he's not here, do you think he…is somewhere? That he knows what's going on in my life?”

“I'm sure of it.”

“Have you met him?”

Julian was silent.

“Have you met him, Jules?”

“No.”

She turned her head away from him and dabbed at the corner of her eyes. “I wish I could feel him.”

“I wish you could too. I wish all people who love someone could feel them. I have to tell you, Kate, if I was running the place, things would be different. I don't pretend to understand.” He looked
Heavenward toward the Boss. People used to talk about God having a plan. He had to wonder.

She leaned forward and ran her fingers along the marble of her father's headstone.

“But if you don't even understand, how can we? How can ordinary people hope to understand?”

Julian thought about it. “I suppose they can't. But they have a name for that.”

“What?”

“Faith.”

“You're very deep today, Jules.” She looked in his direction and winked.

He thought about his life before Neither Here Nor There. Before Kate.

“I suppose I am. Maybe I'm just figuring some of this out myself…. Come on, let's go home.”

He took her hand as she stood up. She leaned over and kissed the top of the headstone.

“Even if he's not here, Jules…I miss him anyway and want him to know that somehow.”

She walked past other headstones and markers. “Promise me you won't leave me, Jules.”

“I won't. I promise.”

Even as he said it, he knew he was lying. But he also knew he'd have to figure out some way to make sure he kept his promise.

Hell, he'd strike a deal with the devil if he had to.

He wanted to stay with Kate.

Leaving the graveyard, he took one more look at its emptiness.

Where were they all? Where did all the dead people go?

“H
E'S GOT TO BE KIDDING ME
.” When Kate got to her office Monday, it was filled from end to end with roses.

This is getting out of control.

“You're not kidding. It's like a florist's in here.” After shutting her office door, she moved a large lead crystal vase with long-stemmed red roses just beginning to open, and plopped down in her desk chair. She could no longer even see the door. Reaching into one bouquet, she found the card.

Well, I adore you, too. And I won't bang your best friend.

She smiled. “Jules…I would miss you if you weren't here.”

In a world of unreliable lovers and betrayals,
bad dates and stilted conversations, Jules had become her constant companion, her defense against loneliness. A ghost who thought she was beautiful and watched over her while she slept.

Katie Girl, my whole life I was a fuckup. I'm finally gettin' the hang of this. I'm a good angel, aren't I?

“Yes, Jules, you're a good angel.” She smiled in the general direction of where she thought he was. “Kiss me, Jules.”

She felt a tickle on her cheek, and then a feeling like a feather touching her lips.

“That was divine,” she whispered.

She turned on her computer. “I'll lay odds it crashes today.” She rolled her eyes. “This old thing is a beast, but we don't have the budget for any new equipment. Can you wave some magic wand and stop it from crashing?”

Sorry, angel. I don't have control over computer systems. Out of my area of expertise.

She smiled and checked her e-mail. Two from David begging her to meet him for lunch or dinner.

A few minutes later, someone knocked on her door.

“Yes?”

Todd, the receptionist, poked his head in. “He's here.”

“Who?” Kate looked down at her desk calendar. She didn't have any author meetings scheduled.

“Who?
Him!
The cad!”

Kate felt her stomach lurch. She looked at her watch. “It's nine-thirty in the morning. Is he out of his mind?”

“I'd give that a yes. Sleep with the blonde bitch instead of our beautiful, wonderful, sweet Kate? But he's here. What do you want me to do?”

“Shit.” She looked in Jules's direction, hoping for guidance. But he didn't say anything. “Damn…all right. Send him back. I'll try to get rid of him fast. Is Leslie in?”

“Oh yeah. You know what? I'll escort him back
and let you know what she does when he walks past her office.”

“Todd…” Kate scolded.

“I'm doing it,” he shot back.

“Fine.” She smiled at him. “Go ahead, Gossip Queen.”

Todd turned to go. Then he stopped. “Girlfriend…I don't want you taking him back.”

“I won't.”

“But I'm warning you, brace yourself.”

“Why?”

“Because he looks beyond hot today. I mean, smokin' hot.”

“Great,” she said unenthusiastically. “Shut the door, will you?”

He nodded and left.

“Jules? Jules? I need you.”

No response.

“Crap!” Kate stood and straightened her skirt, then sat back down again and pulled a small mirror out from her desk to check her teeth. No lipstick on them. She ran her fingers through her hair and looked down at her cleavage. This was a Jules shirt. They had gone shopping again. She fingered the fabric. Jules made her feel so…fuckable, to use his word.

A minute or two later, Todd knocked on her door again.

“Come in,” she said, fluffed her hair once more, and leaned back in her chair.

Todd opened the door and held it wide. David strode in. And promptly tripped, knocking over a vase, which spilled water all over her desk.

“Jesus, I'm sorry, Kate,” David apologized. He turned to Todd. “Can you grab us some paper towels?”

“For her? Yeah.” Todd turned and dashed down the hall.

“I'm so sorry, Kate,” David said as he helped her move flower vases and manuscripts out of the way of encroaching water.

“It's all right. Maybe if I didn't have so many flowers in here,” she joked. Inwardly, she prayed for Jules to come.

“I swear I must have tripped on something. If I didn't know any better, I'd swear Todd pushed me.”

Todd reappeared with paper towels. “I didn't push you.”

“I know.” David smiled at him. “I just can't believe I was such a klutz.”

I can.

Kate smiled. Her Jules. She blotted up the water on the desk, while Todd left and shut the door. When her desk was dry again, she stood up and looked directly at David. “Why are you here?”

“Because I love you.”

“David…”

“All I'm asking for is a chance. That's it.”

He was so handsome. Kate bit her lip. “Can you step outside my office for one minute? I have to make a phone call.”

“Sure. I'll be waiting right outside.”

When David shut the door, Kate whispered, “Jules?”

Yes, Katie Girl.

“I'm insane, aren't I? I keep picturing you as my perfect partner, but you're not flesh and blood. I picture you as always watching me sleep, as being with me all the time. But you can't make love to me. You can't really hold my hand. I can't even look in your eyes.”

But I can look in yours and see the whole universe, Kate.

“Where are you?”

Right in front of you. Lean forward and I'll whisper in your ear.

Kate leaned and felt a chill pass by her ear.

Kate…you have beautiful eyes.

She smiled. “Come in, David,” she called out.

He walked back in, tripped slightly and landed in a chair.

“What do you see when you look in my eyes, David?”

“I see the woman I'm going to marry.”

Kate looked at David. “Give me time. I used to look in your eyes and see that, but I don't anymore. And I don't think I can again. No more flowers. No more showing up at my office. None of it. Give me time.”

He stood. “Fine. Time. I know what I feel for you won't go away.” He leaned over her desk and kissed her lips, lingering. She didn't kiss back.

After he left, she said, “Jules?”

Yes?

“Can you make love?”

I don't know.

“Want to try?”

Yes.

“What did you think when he kissed me?”

That I don't ever want to see that again.

Not ever.

It should be me.