Friends With Way Too Many Benefits (44 page)

Jim perked up. "What are you two talking about?"

"I'll show you later." Victoria winked.

"Cool."

After taking a sip of her glass, Jillian said, "Babe, if you get waxed again, I'm in... otherwise uh-uh."

Brian's sphincter tightened at the thought and he cringed, bringing his shoulders up and close to his neck. "Maybe we could do something else, instead."

Jillian laughed.

Jim shook his head. "What the hell are you two talking about?"

"Don't you remember I told you I got a..." Brian looked to Victoria. "...what the hell do they call it, it's not a Brazilian when they do a guy is it?"

"No, I think you got the Hollywood." Victoria paused to think. "Or wait did they do…
everything
— even the
ass-al
area?"

"Ass-al?" He held back a laugh. "What's that?"

"You know, ass-al… the area in and around the ass." She rolled her eyes.

"That can’t be a real word. And you claim to have a PhD."

"Okay." Victoria sneered. "How about I call it the whole undercarriage? Did they do all that?"

"Believe me they did everything," Brian grumbled.

"Well, they do call that a male Brazilian," Victoria confirmed.

Turning his attention to his brother, Brian frowned. "Come on. Don't you remember? We were out by the pool and I told you I got waxed just before the wedding."

Jim returned a sickened look. "First, if you did tell me, I'm pretty sure I blocked it out in order to keep from throwing up and second why the hell would you tell me that right before we're going to eat."

"The pain..." Brian shuddered. "It was like nothing I've ever experienced."

"So, we're still talking about it." Jim nodded, then topped his glass off. "I have a feeling this could go on and on." He motioned to the group with the bottle. "Anyone else?"

Brian and Victoria nodded and Jim topped them off. Victoria lifted her glass. "To hairless asses."

Jillian and Brian raised their glasses and repeated the toast. Jim cringed and said, "I'm not drinking to that in general." He pointed to his wife. "I'll drink to yours, but I'm not drinking to his."

"Hey, what's wrong with my ass?"

"Brother, if I need to tell you, I think you're in real trouble."

The four shared a laugh then when they composed themselves, Victoria said, "Brian, I always wanted to ask if when the hair grew back did it come in thicker or was it fine? I heard even if you only do it once, it's supposed to come in fine."

"Seriously?" Brian scoffed. "You want to know if my ass hair is now fine."

"Yes I do, because I remember when Rafael was preparing to wax you and you were up on the table all spread apart…" Victoria winced. "… that it wasn't a pretty picture."

Jillian began, "I think it's—"

"Wait..." Jim's jaw fell open. "You went with him to get waxed?"

"Uh-huh."

"I mean, are you saying you were actually in the room with him?" Jim asked, dreading her reply.

"Yep."

"How do I not know this?" Jim looked around the table, stunned.

"I guess it never came up."

Jillian took a sip from her glass. "Well I bet you never told your wife that you showered with me at your parents' house."

Victoria smiled. "No, no, he didn't. I would have remembered that."

"That was a mistake. She actually climbed into the shower with me. I was there first," Jim said defensively.

"Okay, okay. Calm down," Victoria rolled her eyes before she turned her attention to her best friend. "And you never told me this, I can't believe it because you tell me everything."

"I guess I just forgot about it."

"You saw his, you know, and you forgot?" Victoria looked at her, dumfounded.

"No,
that
I remember. But I just forgot to tell you."

"Okay." Victoria took a sip from her glass and shot Jillian a smug look. "Jim is still mostly hairless back there, balls and the whole under carriage. He has just the lightest blonde tiny baby hairs."

"Victoria?" Jim shook his head.

"What?" Victoria shrugged. "We were talking about what a jungle Brian has down there and I just wanted to brag about my man."

"It's not a jungle." Brian scoffed. "And can we please stop talking about how hairy my ass is and how perfect his is?"

"You're just jealous." Jim sneered.

"Am not."

They each took a sip from their glasses and Brian slumped back in his seat. Switching gears, Brian said, "Is anyone else hot in here?"

"Your hairy ass probably really sweats in this kind of weather." Victoria said, holding back a smile.

Brian looked at her dumbfounded. "I was trying to get us away from the subject, but you keep bringing us back." With one gulp, he emptied his glass then poured himself another. He held his head high and began, "Well if you must know... unfortunately, the hair has been coming in thicker for some reason since the torture you put me through."

"Oh." Victoria cringed. "That's too bad."

Brian sighed. "I wanted this to be a surprise for my beautiful wife, but right before we got on the plane I shaved everything down there... everything. And I think I did a pretty good job."

"Now I'm going to be sick." Jim made a face.

"Oh, knock it off hairless boy."

Jillian put her hand on Brian's arm. "Sounds like we'll be having some fun later."

"I hope so."

The newly married couple watched as Jillian leaned over to Brian and whispered in his ear. His mouth dropped open then he smiled. "Okay."

"What?" Victoria asked.

"I'm not telling you." Brian folded his arms.

"Oh, come on."

"No."

"Jillian what did you tell him?" Victoria asked, frowning. "You know you're going to tell me later anyway."

Jillian turned a pretend key on her lips.

"Good girl." Brian said.

Victoria sighed.

Brian looked around the restaurant. "Where the heck is our waiter?"

Jim shrugged. "I haven't seen him."

"Is anyone really hungry? I know I'm not. Why don't we take our respective semi-hairless bodies and head back to our respective suites for some respective fun?" Brian flashed Jillian a sexy grin.

Suddenly the door to the kitchen burst open and two waiters came out carrying large trays of steaming food— huge steaks for the boys and big bowls of spicy pasta for the girls.

When the waiters disappeared, the four looked down to their plates. Brian grimaced. "Yeah, I don't know."

Jillian shook her head. "If I eat this, I know I'm going to be too sick to do what I just whispered in your ear."

The four exchanged hesitant looks until in unison they stood and moved away from the table. Brian said, "I insist on paying."

"Knock yourself out." Victoria moved to Jim and they shared a chuckle.

Brian looked down to the table of food. "Maybe they can give it to a shelter or something."

"Maybe," Jillian replied then she, Jim and Victoria headed toward the lobby of the hotel as Brian went to track down the waiter.

In the luxury hotel suite, Brian woke suddenly in the darkened room and upon reaching over to Jillian's side of the bed discovered she wasn't there. He looked to the clock and it read 9:33 a.m. He sat up and glanced around the room, rubbing his eyes and whispered, "Jillian?"

He opened the door to the living area and found her sitting on the sofa wearing a frown. She replied, "I didn't want to wake you."

"What happened last night?" He plopped down next to her. "I don't remember falling asleep."

She scoffed. "You did drink a little too much."

"I remember we did it, but after that I don't know."

"We did it then you passed out." She rolled her eyes.

"Sorry about that."

She swatted her hand at him. "I don't care about that."

"Then what's wrong?"

"You were snoring away and I couldn't sleep. I picked up my phone and noticed Rob called at some point last night. He left me a voice mail."

"What did he say?"

"Bridget is pregnant. She's about as far along as I am."

"Wow, that's... wow. Is he happy about it?"

"He sounded happy."

"So what's the problem?" He raised his palms in the air and gave her a look.

"I'm, uh... I'm going to be a grandmother." She shook her head, frowning. "I'm not ready to be a grandmother. I'm only forty one for God's sake."

"You're going to be the hottest grandmother ever." He smiled cheerily.

"Yeah, that's great." She sighed. "I never should have gotten knocked up in high school."

He shrugged. "But hey, we're going to have a baby too, so how cool is that? I mean, when we visit them the baby will have someone to play with. They'll be the same age."

Looking at him horrified, her jaw fell open. "Oh my God."

"What now?"

"I just realized my life is like a not-so-great movie sequel."

"What are you talking about?"

"Did you see
Father of the Bride 2
?"

"I think."

"I'm Diane Keaton... But her, if she had divorced Steve Martin and married one of her son's best friends." She shook her head. "Shit... Jerry Springer will be calling us any day now."

"It's not like that at all." He shook his head frowning, then his expression changed slowly to one of realization. "Okay, it's a little like that. Maybe, just a little."

"You see." Lifting her legs up on the sofa, she grabbed a pillow and held it to her chest clutching it tightly.

"I think you're making a little too much out of this."

"Oh, you do. Do you? Well, you're not going to be a grandmother."

"Yeah, but I'm going to be a step-grandfather and you don't see me losing it."

"That's not the same thing. Not even close."

He shrugged then took hold of one of her feet and brought it to his chest, massaging it with both hands.

She put on a sour face. "Don't try to cheer me up."

"This does feel good doesn't it?"

"Maybe." She shook her head then when he slid his hands up to her calf and worked it hard her eyelids fluttered closed and she moaned.

"Hey, in Father of the Bride the son in that movie was like ten or something."

She replied sarcastically, "Yeah, so were you when I met you."

"Okay." He shook his head. "Now you're just being ridiculous."

"I don't care. My hormones are going nuts. I'm getting fat, I'm—"

"You look adorable."

"No I don't."

"You do. Your breasts are getting bigger and you look amazing. You're glowing. Isn't that what they say about pregnant women?"

"I'm tired. I feel sick to my stomach half the time and I'm just depressed."

His eyes brightened. "I would just think of it this way. You're going to be a GILF. That's pretty cool right?"

"What the heck is that?"

"Well, you know what a MILF is?"

"Yeah..." As the gears turned in her head, her confused frown changed into a look or horror. "So now I'm a grandmother creepy guys would like to... I'm a GILF!"

"Not creepy guys— just me!"

She looked at him cringing. "Perfect."

He curled his lip. "Sorry, maybe that was the wrong thing to say to cheer you up."

"You think..." She widened her eyes.

Guiding her foot higher, he took her big toe into his mouth and sucked it for a moment as his fingers worked the heel of her foot. She sighed. "That feels good. I mean, not the toe in the mouth thing, but your hands... My feet hurt. Uhhh… those heels yesterday were cute, but they killed my feet."

"I know baby. Just relax. Shhh..." Rubbing her harder now, he went to work on her toes, one by one.

"You have magic hands," she whispered with her eyes closed.

"How about I give you a rub. Like a whole full body deal. We'll play naked masseuse."

"We haven't done that in a while." She perked up.

"I know."

"You'll sit on me and everything?"

"Uh-huh."

"I love naked masseuse."

"Me too, because you never know when something might grow and slip into something else." He flashed her a sexy smile.

"I just got a chill." She made a face and shivered. Looking to his lap, she spotted the bulge in his boxer shorts. "Looks like something's already growing a little."